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Thread: I Had A Dream... An Ethylene Induced Dream But A Dream Nonetheless!

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    I Had A Dream... An Ethylene Induced Dream But A Dream Nonetheless!

    I Had A Dream... An Ethylene Induced Dream But A Dream Nonetheless!
    -An Athens A.A.R


    Authors Note:

    Ladies and gentlemen, I present myself, presenting myself. For those of you with superb memories you may remember an AAR verging on pointlessness and insanity titled; "I Pull The Strings, But It's All Relative- A Kongo AAR". A venture of complete futility which sadly fell into the ground for reasons I cannot recall.

    However, in a time of intense productivity in my life I intend to try something as difficult as my last AAR; Athens, squatting in the shadow of the Ottoman Empire! That alas, is more or less it summed up; seeing as I may not get past the first decade...

    Objectives:

    -One; Stay Alive.
    -Two; Stay Independant.
    -Three; Reclaim The Greek Heartlands For Athenian Glory.
    -Four; Become The Dominant Mediteranean Power.
    -Five; Think Of A Fifth Objective.

    So, onwards to glory we go, hopefully I will have the first installment up tonight once i've sifted through my screenshots. And thus feel free to comment!

    P.S/Disclaimer: I have a rampantly bizzarre sense of humour so be warned that I will most likely proceed to tear the jig saw puzzle of culture and history to pieces. For my own amusement. You've been warned!

  2. #2
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    Chapter One; Don't Drink And Divine

    Francesco The First, a name which will be emblazoned across text books across the world, most likely on an obscure on the side reference halfway through a boring chapter, and below that imposing name will read the words; "His tutors could not make a great man out of him; but we'll let him rule our nation anyway." Upon reading this many students will comment on what a fool he is and idly flip over to the next page; but little would they realise that this man set forth on a great journey that would see Athens catapulted to heights of new glory! And I bring you that story, today, right now, in an easy to view variable digital download speed format.

    Francesco was an odd man, the ancient days of Greek glory were long gone; bulldozed over by the various Roman realms, various blood filled crusades between Muslims and Christians. But the ancient tales which he read about in old volumes and tales that he heard in his youth gave him a desire to recreate the glory of the past. As such, he took to wandering around his palace as a youth wearing togas and robes; emulating the styles of past Roman emperors. But one day his turn came to ascend the throne, and this is our man;



    Just don't ask (muttered various court advisors to foreign visitors).

    Now, he had ambition, not many brains, or charm, curtosy, manners, adequate grasp of verbal dexterity, composure, nerve, confidence... just grab a dictionary and cross out any redeeming complimentary words and I assure you he didn't have any of them. Now, with his ambition he intended to create a powerful toga wearing state in an age where wool spun tights reigned supreme. And to do so he wished to visit the ancient oracle of Delphi to gain a blessing from the god; a rather ambitious aim since it had been out of service for the past few centuries.

    He intended to go immediatly, well, as you can guess, he did not, instead he lingered in the court, a little bit of wine in the cumpolsury celebrations of his corronation, a little bit more, some extra on the side; and finally two bottles just to satisfy a few friends for a bet.

    But! He set of straight, well zigzaggy, away to the oracle site in order to find the blessing to secure his nations future, he climbed the mountain and passed many trials; the earth that rolled drunkenly beneath his feet, his terrible sense of direction and a terrible hoofed beast with two great horns, covered in shaggy fur and reminiscent of the devil... which he slayed in a stupour with his wine bottle.

    Finally he arrived, and peering down into the chasm in which an obscure divine power apparently resided he meditated... bathing in the etheral smoke of the gods... it did not take long for the ethylene to start doing a salsa with the alcohol in his bloodstream.

    "Oh mighty gods" He cried in a somewhat nasal voice, "Do you hear my cries? My pleas to create I more powerful land for my people? To abolish suffering and the horrors associated with uncomfortable undergarments?"
    "Yes actually I do." Replied an omnescient voice in a suspiciously British accent, Francesco picked up on this.
    "Oh mighty god, why do you speak with the tone of voice attributed to those who live in the far northern mists?" Demonstrating that perhaps he wasn't as much of a twit as we were given to believe... Never believe everything you read on the internet folks!
    "Well... I... no I do not..."
    "Aha! But you do!"
    "Do I use the words ode and yee excessivly?"
    "No all powerful entity of Delphi, but I expected something far more heavenly!"
    *All Omnescient Voice Thinks About This For A Moment*
    "Very well, how about this?" *Put's On Upper Middle Class British Accent*
    "I doo saay Francesco the first what a truly spiffing toga you have donned today!"
    "Oh Benevolance!" He cries flinging himself forwards in respect.
    "Ah my dear chap call me Bernard."
    "Bernard?"
    "Yes Bernard my good man! Bernards a solid reliable name for a divine mission like this!"
    "Very well Bernard my lord!"
    "Good Show! And from now on you shall be known as... Pompalopadopalonabus... The Inconsistent"
    "Ahh... say it again please Lord?
    "Pompalopapoppadopolus The Inconsistant."
    "But I thought tha-"
    "The Inconsistent! Keep Up! Now, go forth and lead Athens to glory in the name of Bernard!"
    "I shall my lord I shall!"

    And so Pompalopadopalonabus The Inconsistent as he was now known sped off into the night to bring the news to his court.... Bernard help them.

    ----------


    Authors Note:

    I can only apologise for my utter insanity. I don't know what came over me...

  3. #3
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    Chapter Two; A Plan To Nowhere

    Pompalopadopalonabus The Inconsistent had spent the last few nights locked away in his room, “hiding from his mother in law”, his close friends said, “rather ill the court staff said, “pondering brilliant plans for the future of our realm” the peasants were told; and for once the peasants were right. He had been consulting with the divine, the heavens, the god of all gods, the oracle; yes, I’m talking about Bernard. Together they laid out glorious plans for the future of Athens, and to the surprise, and trepidation, of his staff, he called a meeting. Thus as his advisors and officials entered the room they gathered about him, them in their fashionable ruffs and tights and him in his toga.

    “My fellow Athenians, I sit here today, after having consulted with the heavens, to elaborate on my truly admirable, no, glorious vision for a future Athens.” With that he rose from his throne and pulled on a cord, retracting a curtain it revealed a wall sized map of Athens and the surrounding lands; picking up a paint brush on a stick he drew a great blue line across a certain area.

    “Our brothers and kinsmen, forced beneath the yoke of Ottoman rule… these lands should be ours! Not theirs! I mean look *points at Crete* a nation of bankers have taken a once pride bastion of Greek culture!” He paused for a moment, a dubious look on his face, “Gosh I sound intelligent… anyway! These lands in blue, they should be placed under the rule of a Greek state once more! And these lands… *draws line with a big red brush* should also be ours! Once proud city states reduced to nothing more than rural villages, gentlemen, we must go from this *draws green line* to all of this!”



    His officials were astounded; this man must have surely been shined upon by the gods to have such inspiration, such ambition! On the other hand, they thought grimly, he could have finally gone completely bonkers and was leading Athens to its doom. An attendant stuck his hand up.

    “Your Lordship, how, may I ask, do you intend to achieve… anything?”
    “Excellent question!” He cried excitedly pulling back another curtain on another wall,”I have already secured two alliances with our brothers in arms!”



    “Transylvania and Cyprus!”
    “And they’ll help us crush the Ottomans will they?”
    “Oh yea of little face, do not fear, there’s more!” He pulled back another curtain.



    “Alas I will miss those two washwomen… always so helpful, rolling up my socks; remember gentlemen, always check whom your marrying before you send out an offer!”
    “But sir!” His advisors cried utterly exasperated, “What’s your plan?”
    “Well, my dear men,” I have sent a warning to the realms of Morea, The Knights, Venice, Albania Montenegro and Naxos.

    His advisors covered their faces in horror, “But they’ll steam roll us! And I don’t even know what a steam roller is!”
    “Do not fear my loyal men, do not fear.” He stood up and walked around the room, his arms outstretched, imagining himself to be bathed in an eternal light; he looked silly. “We have made another royal marriage with Cyprus, and my tales of glory for the people of Athens have raised our average stability to plus one! Or at least that’s what the poll stations say… But our stability dropped to minus two last night gentlemen…”
    “Why?”
    “Because were at war!” *pauses for looks of horror to sweep the room* “Our allies Transylvania have enacted a glorious campaign against Bosnia and Moldavia, and I accepted to join them in this endeavour!”
    “But Why!”
    “For the money of course, raise taxes for future glorious fund raising wars!”

    The advisors shook their heads in despair, surely Athens would be decimated by numerically superior foes, especially with the Ottomans numbering the tens of thousands on their borders. Would Athens survive a time of war and strife? Or would they be crushed beneath Bosnia?

  4. #4
    Paradox QA Paradox Dev Team ForzaA's Avatar
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    Ethylene induced eh?

    ..That does sound rather worrisome to be honest. (though it does fit the "bizarre" quite well, as one would rather expect ethanol induced)

    Still, an interesting challenge you have set for yourself
    Error in war on error on line 1.

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    I'll be watching this... good luck.

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    ForzaA: Aha, to have my leader become exceptionally drunk would be far too predictable, so instead I had him get completely plastered before wandering over to the Oracle of Delphi. Ethylene induces a sense of euphria and is belived to be what used to come smoking out of the "Oracle"; hence the Greeks and their prophecies. I may be tearing a culture to shreds and sticking on Roman stuff but I have to do my homework

    L Lawliet: I'll need all the luck I can get, I did an AAR about the Kongo and that was challenging, but THIS, is possibly suicidal... still, makes it more fun

    A Sunday/Monday update is in order I believe, exams alas.

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    Chapter 3; Much Ado About Nothing

    From Pompalopadopalonabus's point of view his magnificently glorious entry into the war amounted to nothing more than properganda and an elaborate scheme to hide behind their allies whilst prying gold coins from everyones pockets. However, due to the lack of nearby enemies from which to pry from he resorted to pickpocketing his own citizens through the medium of governmental budgeting.



    "Alas" Pompalopadopalonabus thought disdainfully, "It is a sad day for your realm when despite a comprehensive government sanctioned tax-a-thon you can only raise 0.9 of a Ducat a month..." Apparently it seems that the currency of Athens is far ahead of the rest of the world, we have embraced a rather crude version of decimalisation; is it fractionalisation?


    Our 0.9 Part Of A Full Ducat


    Apart from the ensuing debates over the usefullness of fractional currency the "war" moved on with little to no incident; Moldalvian and Bosnian diplomats decided to rub salt into the economic related wounds of Athens. Informing us that we could not even linger on the doorsteps of places we could not afford to enter.



    Isolated in a little world of it's own Athens continued along as normal, Pompalopadopalonabus consulted with Bernard occassionally, but there was nothing to be done aside from assemble ducats from various items of change and attempt to make togas more fashionable; finally however something more interesting sparked activity withen the palace of Athens.



    Bernard ratonalised that entering the war would be unfavourable, that there would be no territorial gains, would expose Athens to a theater of war in which they would be vulnerable and more to the point they were utterly incapable of projecting their military power ove the seas due to their fleet consisting of a single galley.


    Espousing Delusions Of Grandeur Since 1342


    Unfortunatly Pompalopadopalonabus, lacking in any recognisable form of logical thinking, declared that fighting too wars would require extra funding, hence by all means they could double their war taxes. With that decided upon Athens entered the war against Tripoli and interestingly enough the Knights. Unfortunatly our allies were, even by our generous standards, useless.



    Although logistically unable to either launch an assault an attack on Rhodes, nor win a protracted naval campaign Athens set forth it's galleys to earn some reputability; after all, Pompalopadopalonabus had been unable to extract any extra funds from the populace. Although the initial voyage was a success, driving away a Knights fleet of equal strength, the fleet was forced to retreat in the first excursion against Moldalvian forces. However, after recovering they set sail once more and the almighty Bernard threw Athens a break.



    In a single stroke the Athenian fleet had been doubled, retreating to the safety of the harbour to consolidate their victory they pondered two things. Firstly, were the Knights consorting the the Portugeuse? Were they engaging in piracy? Who knew, but more to the point, could Athens use this transport to catapult Athenian armies across the world to greater glory? Only time would tell...

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    How can you sail a thousand men on a portuguese king? I thought that only Portuguese Queens could have that many men on top of them...
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    ProffessorEGADD, you might want to take a look in this thread. Congratulations.
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    'has fallen' it should be?
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    More!

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    Things are looking up! How much annual income are you getting?

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    Chapter 4; Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, Two More Steps Forward

    The sight of the victorious Athenian fleet returning to the harbour caused a sudden unexpected surge in national pride. Their fleet had been doubled through military ingenuity, so thrilled was the populace with this that they forgot about their woes, recovered slightly from a mass epidemic of slight insanity and became "more stable"; the nations leading psycologists stated that they were positive two...


    Having a positive outlook is good for mental and public stability


    The only people whom were unimpressed by this were the fisherman, whose fishing boats numbered in the hundreds and could easily lead a fish fueled crusade against the Ottomans. Unfortunatly fish pickings were superior in the North and thus their guild could not be convinced to act on Athens bealf.

    The two vessels rested and recovered, meanwhile however Bernard and Pompalopadopalonabus schemed on how to best utilise their glorious fleet. Cyprus was crumbling under a dedicated Templar attack, and it seemed only natural that they come to their allies aid. As such, the two ships set forth, with the Athenian military numbering one thousand Roman styled troops to appeal to Pompalopadopalonabus's aesthetic ideals.

    After battling with two seperate Moldalvian fleets and coming out triumphant, despite not inflicting any losses upon their foe, they landed on the beaches of Cyprus.


    And were utterly destroyed


    "Alas!" Pompalopadopalonabus cried in typical Athenian drama, "How did this happen?"
    "Well Pompouslompaloppapom... pous... well sir, there were no survivors."
    "But the report says that only twenty eight of our troops passed on!"
    "That it does sir."
    "So why don't you have a clue as to how it happened?!"
    "Well sir, after loosing contact with them we searched the nearby waters and sent on a few chaps to the beaches to find any clues..."
    "And? What did you find?"
    "A pair of shoes."


    Only the finest cow skin for our brave boys.


    "Some corresponding footprints leading to the ocean from the battle field."



    "One of our troops helmets."


    Rather unfashionble in these times.


    "A boomerang..."


    A curved stick? We were beaten by enemies with curved sticks?


    "A boomerang?"
    "Yes sir."
    "Whats a boomerang?"
    "I don't know."
    "Then how do you know it's called a boomerang?"
    "I didn't call it anything..."
    "Yes you did."
    "No... that was you sir... in your infinite wisdom..."
    "Ahh ut of course, continue."
    "We also found an apple."


    Excellent nutritional value


    "Interesting..."
    "It is quite a puzzle sir."
    "Any ideas on what happened then?"
    "Well sir, we can only presume that our lads were marching to the battlefield... humming and singing we imagine whilst talking of how much tey were enjoying seeing their wives when they got home. Unfortunatly a small local boy was playing with this wooden device nearby, striking our lead troops head he dropped his apple; pausing to retreive it the lads behind him marched straight into him..."
    "And how does that account for the deaths?"
    "We beleive there must have been a cavernous ravine next to them down which twenty eight of them fell before the formation stopped..."
    "Ok...."
    "Following that, a Templar scout snuck up behind our army, tapping them on the shoulder and yelling "boo" rather loudly he led them on an epic chase through a number of fields before jumping of a slight drop, naturally a brave boys followed... unfortuantly realisnig too late that it was a cliff..."
    "So... a suicide spy?"
    "Something of the sort yes sir..."
    "Interesting..."

    Undeterred by their failure, they used the funds raised through their war taxes to raise a new regiment. Intent on Plotting new scheme.



    In other news, Milan had offered a trade agreement with Athens, apparently they find our pottery quite appealing... unfortunatly we could not afford access to any of the markets; regardless of this we accepted to further relations between us.



    Ultimatly however, the desire to continue with the war was further fortified by a shocking demand from their Bosnian foes.



    This of course ran counter to the desires of Bernard, and so the war would continue... once they had an army.

    -----

    For me chaps this is in the past, so consequently I cannot remember what my income is... if I recall vaguely however the only thing that's keeping my nation going are the war taxes.

  14. #14
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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  15. #15
    Second Lieutenant squigian's Avatar
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    Things are looking bleak at the moment, barring your naval success and stability increase but I assume Bernard has a plan that we can put our faith in.

  16. #16
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    He does indeed have a plan do not fear... realisticaly I expect an update Friday or over the weekend.

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