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"Place AAR title here"
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A picture of King Al(brecht IV)
"Edit in AAR description below and delete this line"
http://www.uploadyourmusichere.com/austrian_anthem.wav
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A picture of King Al(brecht IV)
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A few things to note. Anything written in this colour is by me, and not “in character” I have one main objective of this AAR – to be silly and funny. I also have mini in-game objectives. The main one is to repeat my most successful EU performance ever, seen here:
In order to do this, I will need to make both friends and enemies within the HRE.
Note that I will be playing on easy difficulty, since I suck. This will allow me to mint, within limits.
The first chapter will follow in a few hours.
In order to do this, I will need to make both friends and enemies within the HRE.
Note that I will be playing on easy difficulty, since I suck. This will allow me to mint, within limits.
The first chapter will follow in a few hours.
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Once upon a time, in a magical land called Austria, there lived a king, king Al, though his friends called him Bob, for some bizarre reason.
Al was the kind of king that liked to do things, the sort of things that kings liked to do. One day, while Al was taking a walk in the garden, he had a bright idea. He ran to the palace, and moved a large stone away from the river. Bob, Al’s chief advisor (though friends often called him Al for some even more bizarre reason) asked him what he was doing. Al responded “I’m moving the slider one notch towards land!” Bob just nodded his head, and paged for the mental doctors to give Al another shot of “vitamins”. Al said that his move would likely reduce Austria’s naval tradition. Bob reminded him that Austria had no navy. “I guess it wont be much of a penalty then!” Al responded.
While Al was “resting” after his “vitamins”, Bob ordered a new court advisor be hired to aid Austrian prestige. He also sent off five of Al’s prettiest daughters to get married to Princes and Kings in other lands. Al did not have five children, of course, but that did not stop Bob, who would claim that the girls must have “forgotten” their childhoods. If there was any doubt left, Bob would just ask the prospective husband to compare his prospective wife to “other girls” that he’s seen, and the marriage would soon be consummated. Soon princes from Hungary, Bavaria, Bohemia, The Palatine, and Wurttemberg. Meanwhile Bob started to scheme
Of course it helps when you pretty well complete a mission before you begin it.
Over the next month, Savoy and Achaea heard about the quality of Austrian girls, and also begged to get in on the action. The following month, Baden and Thuringia also felt the hunger for a nice Austrian bride, girls were, of course, immediately sent over. In fact, Ferrara, Mantua, Naxos, Ansbach, Meissen, and even Poland demanded their own girls. By January 1 1400, the Hapsburg family was large. The news of this, however, was overshadowed by news that giant letters spelling “A U T O S A V E” were spotted hovering over Tirol and Salzburg for the early part of the morning! Following this, and giant orange pill shaped flying object appeared to hover over northern Bavaria saying “P A U S E D”. While the pesants were puzzled, they noted that giant men smashing hammers into anvils that come from nowhere often appear out of thin air, and often get replaced with soldiers that are, according to scale, at least 50 miles tall, and the idea of a hovering sentence is therefore not all that strange.
(Picture of one of the freakish giants)
Al was the kind of king that liked to do things, the sort of things that kings liked to do. One day, while Al was taking a walk in the garden, he had a bright idea. He ran to the palace, and moved a large stone away from the river. Bob, Al’s chief advisor (though friends often called him Al for some even more bizarre reason) asked him what he was doing. Al responded “I’m moving the slider one notch towards land!” Bob just nodded his head, and paged for the mental doctors to give Al another shot of “vitamins”. Al said that his move would likely reduce Austria’s naval tradition. Bob reminded him that Austria had no navy. “I guess it wont be much of a penalty then!” Al responded.
While Al was “resting” after his “vitamins”, Bob ordered a new court advisor be hired to aid Austrian prestige. He also sent off five of Al’s prettiest daughters to get married to Princes and Kings in other lands. Al did not have five children, of course, but that did not stop Bob, who would claim that the girls must have “forgotten” their childhoods. If there was any doubt left, Bob would just ask the prospective husband to compare his prospective wife to “other girls” that he’s seen, and the marriage would soon be consummated. Soon princes from Hungary, Bavaria, Bohemia, The Palatine, and Wurttemberg. Meanwhile Bob started to scheme
Of course it helps when you pretty well complete a mission before you begin it.
Over the next month, Savoy and Achaea heard about the quality of Austrian girls, and also begged to get in on the action. The following month, Baden and Thuringia also felt the hunger for a nice Austrian bride, girls were, of course, immediately sent over. In fact, Ferrara, Mantua, Naxos, Ansbach, Meissen, and even Poland demanded their own girls. By January 1 1400, the Hapsburg family was large. The news of this, however, was overshadowed by news that giant letters spelling “A U T O S A V E” were spotted hovering over Tirol and Salzburg for the early part of the morning! Following this, and giant orange pill shaped flying object appeared to hover over northern Bavaria saying “P A U S E D”. While the pesants were puzzled, they noted that giant men smashing hammers into anvils that come from nowhere often appear out of thin air, and often get replaced with soldiers that are, according to scale, at least 50 miles tall, and the idea of a hovering sentence is therefore not all that strange.
(Picture of one of the freakish giants)
Reading other AAR's, I find that starting halfway you can get lost. A well written AAR with few screenshots can be lost on the new reader. Even the most beautiful graphics and wonderful penmanship (keymanship?) wont sink in for someone just browsing. I therefore commit that I will post at least one world-map per page where I update*. This means that any page that I have an update will have a world map, any pages full of comments are excluded.
I also commit to the following:
At the end of the game, to reveal any and all reloads I did.
Not use the "sow discontent" spy function (multiplayer games always ban it, so I'm going to get used to this)
Post an update in the following circumstances:
Whenever a king dies
At the resolution of a major war (IE against France)
To keep the playing up to date with the posting - IE I will post what I've just played. I have two computers (a desktop from which I post, and a laptop from which I play) and literally write as the game is ongoing. What you get is fresh.
With the above in mind, to sometimes ask for, and accept, advice on what to do next.
To play this game and write this AAR to the end! Save some kind of accident that destroys my Laptop (in which case I'll have bigger things to worry about). No getting bored and giving up halfway. This game ends in one of two ways - I annex the world, or the world annexes me.
* = first page excluded (as not much will change in the early going)
I also commit to the following:
At the end of the game, to reveal any and all reloads I did.
Not use the "sow discontent" spy function (multiplayer games always ban it, so I'm going to get used to this)
Post an update in the following circumstances:
Whenever a king dies
At the resolution of a major war (IE against France)
To keep the playing up to date with the posting - IE I will post what I've just played. I have two computers (a desktop from which I post, and a laptop from which I play) and literally write as the game is ongoing. What you get is fresh.
With the above in mind, to sometimes ask for, and accept, advice on what to do next.
To play this game and write this AAR to the end! Save some kind of accident that destroys my Laptop (in which case I'll have bigger things to worry about). No getting bored and giving up halfway. This game ends in one of two ways - I annex the world, or the world annexes me.
* = first page excluded (as not much will change in the early going)
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Not really, I realized after I started my Castile one that I've been hankering to play Austria again (only ever did it once, as seen above) If/when I get bored of one I can switch to the other! Plus I plan for them to have different attitudes, this one more silly.
And i was hoping for the pacific islands to be annexed in the glorious Austrian empire 
What good is an empire without a loyal vassal :rofl:And i was hoping for the pacific islands to be annexed in the glorious Austrian empire
In early 1400, another marriage was secured with Burgundy, mostly because Al said “it’s a pretty colour” Baden, Lorraine, Luxembourg, Thuringia, Saxony, Meissen, Anhalt, Brunswick, and Luneberg, all joined the European inbreeding program, despite "not being colours at all". In 1402, "Ernie 'number one' from the Bavz" was elected to lead the Unholy Unroman Unempire (otherwise known as the 3U) as it's Unemperor, this adding the Unimperial title to the Continental Royal Alliance Program of inbreeding (aka CRAP)
There was more CRAP as Oldenberg, Friesland, Gelre, Hesse, Cleves, Brabant, Brittany, and Hainaut joined. In 1404, "Rup-man Three from T-Pal" was elected as Unmperor.
The only news after this was pure CRAP. Pommerania, and Mecklenburg joined in on the fun. Following this, all german royal families were CRAP. Here is a picture of some of the CRAP.
After England and France joined, the CRAP program was scaled back.
In 1406, a petition for redress came up. The king changed his shirt, and the subjects felt more free as a result. In 1407, Austria adopted a Bureaucracy.
Then, one day, Al passed away.
Max took over! With Bob at his side, of course.
There was more CRAP as Oldenberg, Friesland, Gelre, Hesse, Cleves, Brabant, Brittany, and Hainaut joined. In 1404, "Rup-man Three from T-Pal" was elected as Unmperor.
The only news after this was pure CRAP. Pommerania, and Mecklenburg joined in on the fun. Following this, all german royal families were CRAP. Here is a picture of some of the CRAP.
After England and France joined, the CRAP program was scaled back.
In 1406, a petition for redress came up. The king changed his shirt, and the subjects felt more free as a result. In 1407, Austria adopted a Bureaucracy.
Then, one day, Al passed away.
Max took over! With Bob at his side, of course.
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There is an update coming soon.
Note that just because no one seems to be reading this, does not mean I'll stop :rofl:
Note that just because no one seems to be reading this, does not mean I'll stop :rofl:
Following the ascension of the new king, Max, a new CRAP program was started with the intention to spread high-quality Austrian CRAP as far and wide as before. Max decided Austria needs to be more centralized, but there was a warning that a revolt might rise. Bob recommended “waiting to push the button” until “our army arrives in that province” Max did not understand a word of that but suggested that Bob take care of it since he “seems to have ideas already” on how to deal with the situation.
Max is perhaps most remembered for having the Pope call a Crusade against the Ottoman Empire.
Well, that and the whole getting elected Unperor of the Unholy Unroman Unpire!
Max is perhaps most remembered for having the Pope call a Crusade against the Ottoman Empire.
Well, that and the whole getting elected Unperor of the Unholy Unroman Unpire!
My next update will have all the action. Being HRE Emperor was required for the first major stage!
Wow! Your CRAP is being extremely succesful! I guess you just want to bring the finest Austrian CRAP in all corners of the world, don't you?
May 22 1422
War was beginning
Max: What happen?
Bob: Someone elect us unperor
Max: We get signal
Bob: What!
Max: Pope turn on
Bob: It's you!!
Pope: How are you gentlemen
Pope: All your curia are belong to austria
Pope: You are on the way to victory
Bob: What you say!!
Pope: You have no stop take your time
Pope: He he he he....
Max: Bob!
Bob: Take off every "K.u.K."
Bob: You know what you doing
Bob: Move "K.u.K."
Bob: For great grapefruit
Operation Grapefruit
An Alliance was solidified with Bohemia. With some crafty work, Bob sent out ninjas, er, I mean spys, to fabricate claims on Salzburg. It worked, and war came soon after. Meanwhile Bohemia betrayed us!! We'll get our revenge... by re-signing the Alliance once the war was over.
Salzburg was added to the growing Austrian Empire.
In 1427, Lorraine reagged us into a war. Due to our greatness, we took the lead in the war. At this point, Max fell asleep and forgot to declare peace on behalf of the alliance. Lorraine meanwhile got into trouble again, this time with Burgundy, this put France on our side as France was an ally of the former.
A herald came form Genoa. Max said "I did not know anyone was named Harold in Genoa" Bob just sighed, and slapped his hand against his forehead. Apparently, Milan had demanded Genoa release Sardinia, and gave them 11 buckaroonies to keep everything peechy keen.
France meanwhile decided to take Bourgogne, which was not that bad as we were focused on Antwerpen, which we later annexed. Antwerpen was then added to the UUU via an event, which changed relations between Austria and Austria by 100.
Max meanwhile went back to focus on Genoa, signing a peace that forced them to become one of our vassals. A short thank you was sent to Venice and Naples for doing all thequested we defend them! So we said sure, why the heck not, and found ourselves in war with Switzerland with Avignon, Burgundy, Ferrara, and Genoa on our side. We made peace with them by demanding they become our vassals, and give us the province of Schwyz. We then allied with them.
In 1429, Corsica dr work for us. Genoa became our Ally.
Alsace meanwhile got into a tuff with France. Max yelled out "REFERENCE NUMBER ONE" in Bob's face. Bob told him to relax, and suggested we avoid the war, regardless of the impact it may have on our standing as Unperor. Most of the following years were spent fixing our relationship with
others in the UUU.
In 1441, we ended up in another war, this time with Munster. The war ended with them becoming our vassal and ally.
In 1443, France caused more trouble, they declared war on a UUU member, but we ignored them.
In 1444, Max passed away, and Nan took over.
War was beginning
Max: What happen?
Bob: Someone elect us unperor
Max: We get signal
Bob: What!
Max: Pope turn on
Bob: It's you!!
Pope: How are you gentlemen
Pope: All your curia are belong to austria
Pope: You are on the way to victory
Bob: What you say!!
Pope: You have no stop take your time
Pope: He he he he....
Max: Bob!
Bob: Take off every "K.u.K."
Bob: You know what you doing
Bob: Move "K.u.K."
Bob: For great grapefruit
Operation Grapefruit
An Alliance was solidified with Bohemia. With some crafty work, Bob sent out ninjas, er, I mean spys, to fabricate claims on Salzburg. It worked, and war came soon after. Meanwhile Bohemia betrayed us!! We'll get our revenge... by re-signing the Alliance once the war was over.
Salzburg was added to the growing Austrian Empire.
In 1427, Lorraine reagged us into a war. Due to our greatness, we took the lead in the war. At this point, Max fell asleep and forgot to declare peace on behalf of the alliance. Lorraine meanwhile got into trouble again, this time with Burgundy, this put France on our side as France was an ally of the former.
A herald came form Genoa. Max said "I did not know anyone was named Harold in Genoa" Bob just sighed, and slapped his hand against his forehead. Apparently, Milan had demanded Genoa release Sardinia, and gave them 11 buckaroonies to keep everything peechy keen.
France meanwhile decided to take Bourgogne, which was not that bad as we were focused on Antwerpen, which we later annexed. Antwerpen was then added to the UUU via an event, which changed relations between Austria and Austria by 100.
Max meanwhile went back to focus on Genoa, signing a peace that forced them to become one of our vassals. A short thank you was sent to Venice and Naples for doing all thequested we defend them! So we said sure, why the heck not, and found ourselves in war with Switzerland with Avignon, Burgundy, Ferrara, and Genoa on our side. We made peace with them by demanding they become our vassals, and give us the province of Schwyz. We then allied with them.
In 1429, Corsica dr work for us. Genoa became our Ally.
Alsace meanwhile got into a tuff with France. Max yelled out "REFERENCE NUMBER ONE" in Bob's face. Bob told him to relax, and suggested we avoid the war, regardless of the impact it may have on our standing as Unperor. Most of the following years were spent fixing our relationship with
others in the UUU.
In 1441, we ended up in another war, this time with Munster. The war ended with them becoming our vassal and ally.
In 1443, France caused more trouble, they declared war on a UUU member, but we ignored them.
In 1444, Max passed away, and Nan took over.
Nan: Hey Bob
Bob: Nan?
Nan:Watchya thinkin about
Bob:I think I just remembered how I won as Austria last time
Nan:…What?
Bob: It’s time for…
OPERATION PUMPERNICKEL
Bob decided to scale back the CRAP program, but nations begged for more CRAP. We said “you want CRAP?” And they said “We love CRAP” so we sent the producers of Fox News. Unfortunately, that was not enough, so more royal marriages were secured. It was decided that France must be dealt with eventually. Bob said that Austria was not strong enough to deal with France at the moment, but that with time and proper planning, we can be. For now, we must grow.
While Nan was lollygagging about, Denmark declared war, and as Unperor, we joined in. Bob took charge, while Nan ran about chasing squirrels. We won the war, of course, and took a few nice provinces. While Denmark was able to steal many of our allies away by offering them separate peace deals, we did the same taking Norway and Sweden out of the war. All was good.
A difficult decision had to be made. France offered us an alliance. Should we take it? Should we avoid it? The answer was not simple, and not known. Bob thought about it, and consulted with Nan, who said that he likes ham. Bob decided that an alliance might just be what we need to give us time to grow, before we jab the knife of Austrian revenge in their back. Alliances were sealed with France and Britain as well just to keep the French off balance.
Following this a man named Harold came. It turns out he was also a Herald, from Bavaria – he just wanted to let us know that Bavaria now owns Hungary thanks to inheritance. Bob was shocked. At first he thought that this could mean our eventual defeat, but after some thought, he came to the conclusion that it will be easier to deal with them as one chunk. Bob was pleased.
Bob then ordered the army to ready. Cavalry was assembled, in exact units of 1000, no more, no less. Bob said that this was because he liked round numbers. As the troops were being assembled, Milan decided to declare war. I mean, it’s not like your biggest and most threatening neighbor has just built thousands and thousands of troops that are just waiting for something to kill, and its not like attacking a target within the Unmpire will draw the attention of the Unperor, causing your allies to flee, and of course its not like the Unperor is, oh, say me, your neighbor who’s just built those thousands of troops. Needless to say the war was a breeze. Oh no, that was Nan’s flatulence. Meh, the war did not take all that long anyway. We smashed their defenses and forced them to hand over some of those juicy provinces of theirs. Bob was pleased.
Bob was just getting started. Nan, meanwhile, was just finishing, finishing dinner. Nan had three dinners a day, and five on the weekend. Following this he went back to running around the palace playing “hide and seek” with the imperial guards. He noted the guards were “easy to find” because they “just stood there” This lead Nan to win most games, losing only when Bob dragged him away to attend some kind of official state function. When Fox News (which had been returned following the failure of the CRAP program) asked Nan what he thought about Bob exercising the powers of the state without consulting with him, Nan responded that “Bob said king means I can have fun” and added “why, what did Bob tell you King meant?”
During the interview, Bob invaded Aquileia. Bavaria, it’s noble ally, tagged along. Bob said “BWAHAHAHAHAHA” to this, at which thunder and lightning appeared from nowhere, despite it being sunny out. Our armies made quick work of the enemy, but boy, is war messy.
During the war, we got two requests to fight in a war; One from France, asking us to help invade Alsace, and one from Alsace, asking us to defend them from France. Bob was tempted to take both offers, so that Austria would win no matter what, but decided to stay out of the war. Many said that Austria would not hold on to the post of Unperor. Bob just responded “that’s fine. We don’t need it anymore…”
The war with Bavaria and Aquileia ended with a victory for the forces of Austria. (Of course, notice how the good guy always wins
What did you think, we’d get vassalized!?) Bob decided that it was high time for a break, and whipped it out. His camera, that is, and took some pictures.
