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Thread: Tea, Biscuits, and Painting the World Pink since 1815

  1. #1
    Second Lieutenant Jingle_Bombs's Avatar
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    Tea, Biscuits, and Painting the World Pink since 1815

    In case you hadn't noticed, it's a British AAR

    Well, this will be my first AAR for Victoria. I've been reading some of the others on here, and the quality is outstanding, so I feel obliged to do my bit for the community. On the Total War center forums I regularly wrote AARs, and even won a competition or two, but for now I'm going to keep this simple, mainly because I'm still getting to grips with the game, and additionally because AARing for Vicky is rather different than it is for RTW... So in all honesty I have very little idea of what I'm doing . Anyway, all comments, good, bad or ugly are appreciated, and at the least I hope you enjoy it.

    Introduction:

    Following my initial introductory games with Vicky, I've finally worked out how to play it relatively well. So here I am, on Normal/Normal difficulty, playing as good old GB on the Grand Campaign. Of course, I'd advise the viewer not to expect a string of easy success radiating from these updates, because, much to my own despair (and amusement) only today did my USA game come crashing to a halt because I managed to reduce America from rank 8 to rank 167 in only 5 minutes, which is something of a record for me :P Anyway, I'm giving the UK a bash, and hopefully I'll fare better this time. Initially I was going to write a general UK AAR, but after having played for about 30 mins, I decided that It'd be best to focus mainly on India, at least to start with - cutting down the number of screenshots from about 35 to 19 for the first update alone. However, am I correct in saying that there's a 10 pic limit on posts? If that's the case I might just have to be crafty, and get to work with photoshop (loopholes ftw!!!11). I'm going to set myself the challenge of doing one update per day, which while to many of the veterans out there may seem unremarkable, in the past my best average has been once a week... mainly because I'm a lazy bum

    Now, with all that rambling out of the way, I'll leave you with this humorous image for those atheists among the audience, and I'll get on with preparing the first update.



    Edit: Ah, to hell with the bit about India, this is easier than I thought
    Last edited by Jingle_Bombs; 12-02-2009 at 20:20.

  2. #2
    Lord of Slower-than-real-time El Pip's Avatar
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    For the title alone I have to follow this one.
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  3. #3
    Second Lieutenant Jingle_Bombs's Avatar
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    Chapter One

    Chapter one - The Cotton Trade


    Great Britain, ruler of the waves, richest nation on the Planet, owner of the greatest Empire the world has ever seen. And also the official reason why pink is not a girly colour.



    My reign begins at the beginning of 1836. Britannia most certainly does rule the waves at this point, and my task is to make sure it stays that way. As the new godlike entity now ruling Britain, I now not only have the ability at my fingertips to implement reforms, tax rises and economy management at a speed modern governments can only wistfully dream of, but I also gain the temporary confusion, bewilderment moving through to panic that modern governments can only wistfully dream of someday overcoming... Oh, and I've got a collection of endless pop ups informing me that half of Europe is kissing my arse at a phenomenal rate. At least I won't have to worry about foreign policy, since most of the known world seems to be doing it for me.


    from left to right: Diplomatic relations, Technology, Budget before, and after.

    A quick scan reveals that the budget is looking dangerously leaky, The whigs are in power, along with their annoying Free trade policies. The budget is soon fixed by reducing naval maintenance... alot. It hardly matters anyway, because with as many ships as this, I can just spam my endless fleets Russian style at my enemies.


    The annoying whigs are in power. That said, the Tories aren't much of an alternative.

    Having tried numerous continental countries before, I'm far from keen to get embroiled in any of the messes that usually seem to occur there, so I'm adopting a policy of isolationism. Now, Isolationism requires self sufficiency, and self sufficiency requires industry, so I decide to break into the market at the very top, with a new luxury furniture factory. However, if memory serves correct, in order to get luxury furniture, one must have a good supply of ordinary furniture, and to make the latter, one requires fabric. At least I think so... or maybe it was something else. In any case, my own fabric factories were suffering through a lack of cotton, and unfortunately there are only really two places you can get cotton in large amounts. Those being the southern USA and India.


    The factories in question, and my shiny new divisions (see below)

    Well, that shouldn't be a problem, eh? I jolly well own most of India! Except for a minor detail. India as we know it, is divided between Britain, and British dominions. Unfortunately for me, the cotton in question is located within Hyderabad, one of the many said dominions, slap-bang in the middle of india. Now I'm not a dishonourable sort of chap, but the bottom line is that Britain needs that cotton, so the only solution is to occupy the region, and get to work with those plantations, which of course means I'm going to be declaring war on one of my dominions, and I'll be taking a nasty prestige hit with me - but it's all necessary if I'm to become the number one in industry, and overtake......Hamburg? Heh, most amusing. I'd hate to think what would happen if Hamburg owned more than one province...


    plucky little Hamburg


    The cotton concerned

    Anyway, I raise some extra divisions, and head out to India on transports. The whole ugly business is over quite soon, and the country is annexed. Thankfully, nobody seems to mind, and I'm still getting regular assurances that the Ionian islands are repeatedly improving our relations, so no harm done eh? I begin expanding the cotton RGOs everywhere in the empire to get a good flow of resources. Belgium offers me an alliance, which, despite my isolationism, I decide to accept, because I like Belgium and I'm still embittered about being gobbled up by Germany in my last game as them.




    I soon start looking around the rest of the world, and exchange a few colonial claims with America for more land in Canada. Then a pop up assaults me in the middle of fighting the Hyderabadians, informing me that the Opium trade is booming, offering me only a paltry £500 in compensation for its rude interruption. However, this reminds me that I indeed have bigger fish to fry, and I promptly move my troops towards the Chinese border.




    Quite apart from my external knowledge of the approaching Opium war, that popup was just too ominous for its own good...

    That concludes update 1. Phew! that wasn't as difficult as I though it would be.

    Anyway, toodle pip chaps, and I leave you all with this parting gift.

  4. #4
    Romanorum Imperator Augustus asd21593's Avatar
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    Looks like a good start

    What name were you under at TW Center?

    I used to post there about 2 years ago under the same name
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    Lord of Slower-than-real-time El Pip's Avatar
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    With cotton you shall rule the world. Perhaps. Or maybe Fabric. Whatever it is I'm sure crushing Indian dominions will help you acquire it.
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    Perpetually Confused likk9922's Avatar
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    Sweet! A new newbie British AAR. I'll watch this.
    I'm smart enough to know that I'm stupid
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    Brun hårig sjuk sköterska Heimdall's Avatar

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    Great start!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jingle_Bombs View Post
    Now, with all that rambling out of the way, I'll leave you with this humorous image for those atheists among the audience, and I'll get on with preparing the first update.
    What about us God boys then? No funny pictures?
    [K]ommer någon våra fjäll för nära
    och mulnar det i Svithiod,
    då bröder vid vårt namn, vår gamla ära
    vi hugga oss en väg i blod.
    Och stupa vi på ärans bana,
    om Hildur våra lif begär,
    vi svepa kring oss Sveriges fana
    i döden den brudtäcket är!

    Paradoxsvenskan - spela FM2009 med oss på skandinaviska OT-forumet.

  8. #8
    Black Hound of Han Enewald's Avatar
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    Poor China... nothing stands in the way of european imperialism.

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    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Ha! Excellent, I'll be reading along!
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  10. #10
    Second Lieutenant Jingle_Bombs's Avatar
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    @asd21593: I'm Jingle_Bombs over at TWC as well. I didn't join until last year though, so we probably missed one another.

    @El Pip: Well, seeing as I now own a significant percentage of the world's cotton production, you're not far wrong...

    @lik9922: Good to hear it, stay tuned!

    @Heimdall: Even as a Baptist I found that pic pretty funny. Still, I did have a look for you, but I guess God just isn't funny anymore

    @Enewald: Aye, practically nothing. At least nothing other than half a million chinamen armed to the teeth, lurking somewhere within the fog of war... But as you'll see in today's update, I've come prepared!

    @demokratickid:
    Thanks, glad to have you tagging along.

    The next update will be up in a couple of minutes. I've just got to upload the pics.

  11. #11
    Second Lieutenant Jingle_Bombs's Avatar
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    Chapter Two

    Chapter Two - I gots Wood!


    With cotton flowing into my fabric factories, the balance of furniture power is restored, and DFS will no doubt have a sale on soon as a result. I decide to crank up crime fighting, because not only should it cut down on corruption leeching my RGOs, but I can afford it too! The result it a police force more efficient that Britain's police today couldn't even pretend to be as good as!


    The new budget

    I'm running low on machine parts, and the farce of Britain having an abundance of the things is wearing thin. I convert some more pops and expand my MP factory.


    POP education for the nation!

    Hopefully that'll help in the long run, especially when it comes to building colonies and industrialising. Just as a safeguard, I grab some more machine part techs, as it'll take a while to replace the parts spent building my luxury furniture factory, and upgrading the MP one.


    Must...have...more...machine parts!

    My ordinary furniture stocks are dwindling, so I decide to step up timber and lumber production. Luckily for me, that's what Canada is for. My Lumberjacks get to work expanding my RGOs there.


    Oh, Canada...

    This brings me onto another conundrum. My Lux. Furniture factory will be finished soon, but a quick check reveals that my gathering of Tropical wood is a little underwhelming... however the answer once again lies in South East asia. Burma has a good supply of Tropical wood producing provinces. I offer to buy at least one of these, in exchange also for one of my less useful territories in Burma. After all, British etiquette demands that I ask nicely before crushing the little savages. To my disappointment (honest!) they refuse.


    Fools....


    Now I don't know about you, but were I a small uncivilised nation, that has been approached by a superpower like Britain (especially one that only a few months ago crushed a similar sized nation with about 10 casualties) I'd be more than willing to co-operate. However it seems the Burmese are more stupid than they look, so I'll have to do what the British do best - subjugating uncivilised nations, selling them copious amounts of PG Tips, and teaching them how to play Cricket.

    My china bound forces make a small detour south, and I get my forces into position. A lightning campaign follows - the burmese are simply no match for massed formations of Martini-Henry rifles.




    Once I've subjugated much of the country, I approach their government with a deal: They hand over Tropical wood producing provinces, and I allow them to retain their autonomy. They gladly accept the treaty, including a Military access clause - I figured in the long run it'd be nice to strike at the Chinese from areas they can't invade. I begin regorganising and expanding the new RGOs, and my Tropical wood daily production rate rises from 0.03 to 0.38, a substantial improvement, I think you'll agree.



    For good measure, I use some of the new income I'm getting to build some fortifications on the border. Best to be safe than sorry. I commission a new General, Gough, who turns out to be a competent leader, as well as a Charles Darwin lookalike.




    I continue preparations as per the plan, and soon enough I've got a 110,000 strong army of British troops waiting at the border. I was giddy with anticipation by the time I got this message:


    All is according to plan, heheheheheheheheh...

    I know the Chinese have a huge army, but can they really stand up to a hundred thousand British troops pouring across their borders?

    You'll have to wait and see...

  12. #12
    Black Hound of Han Enewald's Avatar
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    Please save China... the longer they burn opium, the longer every fourth human on globe suffers.

  13. #13
    You are Brittania, ruler of the seas. What are you doing attacking China by land? Land your troops close to Beijing and burn the Imperial Palace to the ground!

  14. #14
    Perpetually Confused likk9922's Avatar
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    Double-pronged attack by land and sea = much more effective.

    And I have a feeling you will blow straight through them. Knife through warm butter, wot?
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    Second Lieutenant Jingle_Bombs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    Please save China... the longer they burn opium, the longer every fourth human on globe suffers.
    Really? hmmm. Then again, every third person probably suffers for the existence of the British Empire. Sad.

    Quote Originally Posted by andrergsanchez View Post
    You are Brittania, ruler of the seas. What are you doing attacking China by land? Land your troops close to Beijing and burn the Imperial Palace to the ground!
    This is a very good point, but unfortunately, at the time I didn't have 11 transports... or the time to build them.

    Quote Originally Posted by likk9922 View Post
    Double-pronged attack by land and sea = much more effective.

    And I have a feeling you will blow straight through them. Knife through warm butter, wot?
    In the end what you advised did happen. Sort of. And unfortunately as you'll see, the Chinese put up a hell of a fight.

    The update will be up shortly. Once again, thanks for reading

  16. #16
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    Chapter Three

    Chapter Three - "There's somethin' happening here... What it is ain't exactly clear..."

    All is well in the Empire, income is good, corruption seems low, and my new furniture industry is going so well, I can finance the building of an artillery factory. Quite apart from needing the arty anyway, they sell for a small fortune. It's not long since my message about the Chinese that this appears:



    Great news! Or at least it would be, if I actually knew where Beaufort was (These boxes really need a "go to" button). Probably in Canada somewhere. In any case, I don't have time to go looking for diamonds, because back in Asia, things are hotting up. There's been a murder at Guangzhou, and the Brits are being typically bullheaded about the matter... We are now at war with China! On July 14th, 1839, British troops move out.




    As per the plan, the army marches across the border, and then divides up to capture as much ground as possible before the mighty chinese army mobilises. Gough takes the main force northwards through the larger provinces, allowing him to more quickly try and reach Beijing, and drawing Chinese attention away from the rest of the army.






    Progress is steadily made. A few piecemeal chinese armies make their way towards Gough's troops, and he dispatches them with relative ease. In the meantime, The second part of the army, under Robertson, proceeds south towards the coast, towards Hong-Kong, and the third, and smallest part of the army lead by Gibson, moves East through central china, mopping up the unguarded provinces there. Finally, the main chinese vanguard shows up, a respectable 50,000 or so men strong, and engages in battle with Gough's forces in Chengdu Province. Back at home, Queen Victoria is married, making for a fine morale booster for the troops abroad, as well as more lovely prestige for me.




    Unfortunately this is where it starts to go distinctly pear shaped. Gough's army is forced back by the Chinese, and yet more chinese troops appear seemingly from nowhere at the centre, like thousands of yellow clothed ninjas.



    It seems the Chinese mobilised faster than I thought. I make a decision to redirect incoming reinforcements by ship, to swing past Indochina, and take key provinces on the Eastern coast of China, my main targets being Quiongzhou, Hong Kong, Shanghai, and eventually Beijing.




    The idea is that it should draw enemy forces away from the frontline, and eventually capturing the capital should hopefully give me a huge boost at the bargaining table.

    Gough is pushed back again, losing more ground, and this, combined with partisan action leaves a small force sourrounded by the chinese. I have Gough regroup and meet them in a fighting withdrawal to link our territory back up. I recall Robertson from the south to give my forces a much needed boost. Unfortunately however, the chinese start to claw back land Robertson had spent no insignificant time capturing.





    To the East, Hong Kong and Shanghai fall in quick succession, and the small force, now under the command of General Bell, moves in for the kill near Beijing. However, to my own amazement and exasperation, a huge Chinese army is waiting for me at the capital, as well as large forces in neighbouring provinces. Somewhat bemused as to all the activity here, I decide to hold my ground, and wait for a better opportunity to strike at Beijing.






    Back in the West, when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they do! A huge army 140,000 strong appears to the east, ready to attack my positions already fighting for their lives.



    Luckily for me, it temporarily disappears, for no apparent reason. Reinforcements from India arrive to bolster my defences, and in a few key battles, the Chinese lose enough casualties for me to swoop in and make a huge land grab before a fresh wave hits my lines.






    It's only once this happens though, that the reason for the huge amount of Chinese military activity reveals itself. The Russians, currently in their own war with China it seems, swoop in from the North-West and inadvertantly secure my Northern flank. This sudden relief allows me a chance to regroup, grab a few more provinces, and dig in.



    All seems to be going well for the first time in a good few months when The Russians pull out. They evidently signed a treaty of some description, and I gape as Russian troops march off into the sunset. After this, a comically huge amount of Chinese troops begins making its way south towards my positions.



    I realise it's probably time to start negotiating. Any British bullheadedness has left me now, and I accept a pitiful treaty, gaining only Hong Kong for all my efforts. On December the 11th 1843, the Peace is signed, and British troops begin a weary march back to Bengal to reorganise.





    The war lasted only 4 years, but I can assure you it felt like alot longer. The sheer amount of troops being flung around really made my head spin on occasion. In the end I never captured Beijing. I made an attempt, but the Chinese beat me back, and I had to retreat to the ships. Some provinces must have changed hands more times than I can count, and the amount of money I spent on armaments, reinforcements, and new divisions isn't even worth trying to estimate. What I ended up with was a 19th century equivalent of Vietnam.

    No joke, I had a splitting headache by the time I'd finished, and these screenshots just don't begin to explain how mentally taxing the whole campaign was.

    Lessons learned?

    -Never go to war with China
    -If you do, get a good alliance with Russia
    -If you've got so many troops you think it'll be overkill - You'll probably need twice as many...

  17. #17
    Lord of Slower-than-real-time El Pip's Avatar
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    I'd have thought the lesson to be learnt was; Britain was a naval power, act accordingly.

    So massed amphibious assaults all along the coast then a charge for Beijing from the coast before China can mobilise (no idea how long that takes, but I understand its not instant).
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  18. #18
    Perpetually Confused likk9922's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by El Pip View Post
    I'd have thought the lesson to be learnt was; Britain was a naval power, act accordingly.

    So massed amphibious assaults all along the coast then a charge for Beijing from the coast before China can mobilise (no idea how long that takes, but I understand its not instant).
    Two months for full mobilization, if memory serves.

    Yes more troops, but also remember beating China gets easier as the game progresses, due to tech.

    Still, not a bad fought war for your tactics.
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  19. #19
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Wee! Excellent work, sir!
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  20. #20
    Lt. General SirCliveWolfe's Avatar
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    Great to see another UK AAR being started

    Quote Originally Posted by El Pip View Post
    I'd have thought the lesson to be learnt was; Britain was a naval power, act accordingly.
    Didn't someone once say "never start a land war in Asia?"
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