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Thread: Vikan Vojislavljevic is a Fool, and Other Tales of Imperial Serbia

  1. #41
    The Avatar of Time 4th Dimension's Avatar
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    Yes, we eagerly await the TRUE history expressed by the TRUEST historian of all, Vikan.
    And that traitor Iljko is clearly in league with the Devil since he can not see the glories of the Holy dynasty of Voisavljevic, and should be taken out and burned on stake, while scattering as much honey as possible around him (as every learned man knows bees are sworn enemies of bears, thus everything they make is a sure replant of any demons (like bears). We are positive many bears would arive to give their goodbyes to their most valuable ally in the their never ending satanic quest against the Holy Dynasty!

    PS. Tough some pagans and heretics say it is all a story created by, distant ancestor of today's Holy Dynasty, Vojin the 'Bee', in order to improve the sales of his products. We say "Blasphemy! Burn them!", it is obvious that only from an bee favored man could such a God blessed dynasty sprang! Let us ot forget that church itself has helped the rise of Vojin's offspring to nobility, and that all of them are great sponsors of the church. It is said that mosto of the candles burning on the balkans come from theis beehives, and most of them are given for free, as gifts. Like when old Vojin fell down 4465 stairs (alltough he lived in a singlestory mansion), and was then chased by metalic bears (who were devilishly wearing holy colors of Vojin's son) until he fell into the river after tripping on a candle, his youngest donated a LARGE amount of candles after which, it was found that his older brothers were in commune with Devil/Bears, and were summarily burned on stake, sorounded by honey.
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  2. #42
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    I find Iljko's lack of fear from bears most distressing. Has the man no common sense?? Bears are DANGEROUS!!

  3. #43
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    Haha!

    Balkany goodness.

    Vikan sounds like my grandmother.

    -------

    Grandma: "We have been here since time immemorial"

    Me: "Time immemorial? The 19th century?"

    Grandma: "No, long ago. This has always been our land"

    Me: "Says who"

    Grandma: "Everyone"

    Me: "Who's everyone"

    Grandma: "People. Now eat some pies."

    -------

    That said she reads so much she couldn't possibly not know. I think it's more a matter of pride.

    And Vikan has pride.

    -------

    Bears, as everyone knows, are godless killing machines.

    The best way to fool them is to throw them off your scent by covering yourself in salmon and blueberries.

    -------

    Vidin! Man I love the place.

    All you need is a migrant Rurikid and a merry band of bogomils to to complete the picture.
    Last edited by RGB; 05-01-2009 at 20:06.
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  4. #44
    The Avatar of Time 4th Dimension's Avatar
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    merry band of bogomils
    They are especial merry when we set them on fire.
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    To place foot upon tyrany's neck,
    to lead tyrants to knowledge of the right,
    this is the most sacred of man's duties!
    Bishop Danilo - The Mountain Wreath

  5. #45
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    Very amusing Will I rarely laugh at all why reading something (don't know why but I will never laugh out loud for sure) but I was giggling and snickering all the way through this, very amusing!
    Keep it up, and let us hope Iljko's brain does not overheat...


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  6. #46
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    Just saw this and looking forward to more accounts from the long-suffering Iljko.
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  7. #47
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    Obviously (and sadly) the chances of this thing ever being finished are absolutely nil. I can't even find the game I was playing originally. However, as I was going through my Word documents, I did find the original text file, which included all the chapter headings for the story (which would've had 26 updates total, no more, no less). So, a year late, here's a little tidbit of where Vikan would've gone...

    PART THREE:IN WHICH VIKAN’S FATHER GAINS A CROWN, AND HIS BROTHER MARKO LOSES HIS CLOTHES

    PART FOUR: IN WHICH VIKAN’S FATHER TAKES THE CITY OF BELGRADE, AND VIKAN DISCUSSES LINGUISTICS WITH HIS NEW WIFE

    PART FIVE: IN WHICH VIKAN BECOMES BISHOP OF HUM, AND TAKES THINGS LITERALLY

    PART SIX: IN WHICH VIKAN WEARS OUT HIS WELCOME IN DIOCLEA, AND VIKAN’S COUSIN PLOTS AGAINST HIS FATHER

    PART SEVEN: IN WHICH VIKAN FINDS HIMSELF IN LUCCA, AND PERISLAV TAKES THE VIRGINITY OF VIDIN

    PART EIGHT: IN WHICH VIKAN NOT SO TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNS, AND THE DECLARATION OF THE TSARDOM OF SERBIA

    PART NINE: IN WHICH PERISLAV ANNOYS THE ROMAN EMPEROR, AND VIKAN IS REAPPOINTED BISHOP

    PART TEN: IN WHICH VIKAN FINDS HIMSELF IN A SPOT, AND PERISLAV IS CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN

    PART ELEVEN: IN WHICH VIKAN OFFICIATES A FUNERAL, AND MARKO THROWS A GAUNTLET

    PART TWELVE: IN WHICH VIKAN FINDS A NEW HOME, AND MARKO SCARES AN ARMY

    PART THIRTEEN: IN WHICH VIKAN MOVES TO NIKOPOLIS, AND MARKO TAKES HALF THE BALKANS

    PART FOURTEEN: IN WHICH A SLEW OF BASTARDS WANT VIKAN’S BLESSING, AND VIKAN IS BISHOP OF A PAGAN PLACE

    PART FIFTEEN: IN WHICH VIKAN LOSES A SON, AND SOPHIA LOSES HER CHASTITY

    PART SIXTEEN: IN WHICH THE CROATS ARE CONQUERED, AS IS VIKAN’S WIFE

    PART SEVENTEEN: IN WHICH VIKAN ARRIVES IN HUM, AND MARKO LEAVES HIS MISTRESS

    PART EIGHTEEN: IN WHICH VIKAN WALKS ON THE BEACH, AND MARKO GROWS ANGRY

    PART NINETEEN: IN WHICH MARKO SLIPS ON A SEASHELL, AND VIKAN ALMOST FINDS A CROWN

    PART TWENTY: IN WHICH VIKAN FINDS A HOME IN EPIRUS, AND DRAGIJSA DEFEATS EVERYONE WITHOUT A SWORD

    PART TWENTY-ONE: IN WHICH VIKAN ENJOYS HIS RETIREMENT, AND DRAGIJSA UNITES AN EMPIRE

    PART TWENTY-TWO: IN WHICH A COUSIN DIES, AND A NEW ZHUPAN OF DURAZZO IS FOUND

    PART TWENTY-THREE: IN WHICH VIKAN HEARS BAD ADVICE, AND SUFFERS THE CONSEQUENCES

    PARTY TWENTY-FOUR: IN WHICH VIKAN GOES TO THE CITY HE HATES, AND THERE IS A LITTLE SQUABBLE

    PART-TWENTY-FIVE: IN WHICH VIKAN GIVES UNWANTED ADVICE, AND SPENDS HIS DAYS IN A LATRINE

    PART TWENTY-SIX: IN WHICH VIKAN VOJISLAVLJEVIC MEETS A NEW WIFE AND HIS END, AND A CHRONICLER CELEBRATES HIS FREEDOM

    In summation, from the few notes I took, Vikan's journey took him to the following places:
    Diocese Bishop of Dioclea
    Refugee in Lucca
    Diocese Bishop of Dioclea
    Diocese Bishop of Nikopolis
    Diocese Bishop of Wallachia
    Bishop of Hum
    Refugee in Epirus
    Count of Durazzo (by inheritance)
    Diocese Bishop of the Byzantine Empire
    Refugee in Serbian Empire
    Last edited by General_BT; 04-11-2009 at 00:30.
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  8. #48
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    Now that was quite a list.

    Vidin's virginity especially fascinating.

    Seriously, how dare you not finish these kinds of things?
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  9. #49
    Good stuff, Bt!

    Have you read Jerome K Jerome?

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