I feel his hands on my shoulders and for a brief, dreamy moment I think he's going to kiss me back.
But then he's pushing me away, his voice as firm as his hands.
"No, Becky. No."
I stumble back, nearly tripping over my feet and just stare at him.
He sighs and looks at the thin carpet between us.
"Look, it took a lot for me just to convince Melody to let me stop by here."
Anger surges through me and I'm glaring at him now.
"What?! Nick Hunter, are you even a man anymore?! Or has she cut off your balls?!"
He levels me with a hard look and I shrink back in spite of myself.
"Come off it, Becky. You can't blame her. Not after the crap you pulled. If I were her, I wouldn't want me coming over here either."
"I was just a 20 year old girl! I wasn't even old enough to drink!"
"And you're a 30 year old woman now, throwing yourself at a married man! What's wrong with you? You don't even seem upset that Caveman killed himself."
"...I need a glass of water."
I whirl around and stomp out to the kitchen, hoping that he'll be there when I get back. Not that I would blame him if he left. It was a terrible thing I did, after all.
Out in the kitchen, I pour myself a glass of water and set it on the counter, just staring at it.
Nick and Melody's wedding was an amazing event. The Baron's in Theta Sigma Phi too, apparently, so fraternity members from all across the world flew in to attend the ceremony. And that's not even counting all the rich, the famous and the nobility there.
As you can imagine, Drake's girlfriend was absolutely beside herself with delight, especially when Melody asked her to be one of her bridesmaids. I was one, too.
Only I wasn't just a bridesmaid. I was her maid of honor.
"You're the only friend I had in college", Melody told me over $20 coffees. "To tell you the truth, I'd feel pretty ashamed if I didn't have any of girls from the university in my party. It'd make it look like I couldn't find friends there, that I was an outcast."
I don't know why I accepted, but I did. Maybe because Melody really was a friend of mine, one of the few non-sorority girlfriends I had, so I understood where she was coming from. Maybe, too, because Melody's one of those girls that even women can't say no to, no matter of how jealous of her we might be.
Drake's girlfriend and I were the only ones of the bridesmaids who weren't the daughter of Count so and so or Important Family such and such. Like I said, Drake's girl was absolutely thrilled and we honestly all had great fun planning together. Melody loosened up too, around us and showed a side of her that was warm and friendly, a side that I don't think too many people know about.
And then I had to go and ruin it all.
It was a splendid cathedral the ceremony was in, a church at least 800 years old, in a seaside city in Italy. Even now, in this crumbling house, I take a breath as I think about the beauty of the Gothic architecture, the immensity of the altar and the mass of gorgeously and handsomely dressed people filling the pews.
Drake was the best man, of course and a lot of other fraternity guys were Nick's other groomsmen. His parents were so proud and the Baron was happy too, happy because his daughter was happy and even Mrs. Suchet was telling everyone that Nick was, "a fine young man, who really knows how to talk to people the right way."
Some archbishop whose name I've long since forgotten administered the service and despite the beauty, despite the wonder and fairy tale quality of it all, my stomach churned and my throat burned with acid jealousy. -I- wanted to be the one standing beside Nick, -I- wanted to be the girl wearing the lovely 15th century wedding dress. -I- wanted to be the one he was love in with.
And I guess that's why, when the archbishop asked if there was any objection, I spoke up.
In front of everyone there, I said the words that will live on forever, become the punchline of stories for years and centuries after.
"I object!" And when all eyes were on upon me, I said the words I still privately regret, late at night, when the ghost moans and my heart breaks again and again.
"I'm pregnant.. and it's Nick's."
The uproar that followed was absolutely horrible, the din of surprise and anger so heated and thick I wouldn't have been surprised to look at the altar and see hellsmoke and Satan's laughing form there instead of the cross.
Melody whipped around and gave me a look of such hatred that for a moment, I wished I'd fallen dead on the spot. I didn't even see Nick's face and couldn't look at him even if I was able to. I was too trapped by the frozen fury in her eyes.
It was all a lie of course and the truth was eventually found out. They married officially a few months after that, but from what I hear, a lot of the joy had gone out of it.
All because of me.
My eyes mist over with tears and I find myself sniffling and wiping my nose as I pick up the glass of water.
I know it was a horrible thing to do, to betray my friend like that as her maid of honor and to embarass her on her wedding day and embarass the man I love, too, but I couldn't help it.
I couldn't stand to lose him.
I found out later, when Nick called me to inform me that they were married, that she'd known that he slept with me. Something about their being completely honest with each other that I didn't pay much attention to because darts of pain were stabbing themselves again and again in my heart, in my head, in my entire body.
We hadn't spoken since then, though I dreamt about and longed for him every waking hour after that. When he called to tell me about Bobby, that was the first I'd heard from him in nine and a half years.
Forcing myself to be calm again, I walk out to the living room with hesitant, fearful footsteps.
I don't let out a breath again until I see he's still standing there, leaning against the door, his lips grimly set.
"I don't think it'd be a good idea for you to go the funeral, Becky."
"I don't care. I'm going anyway. If it's me bothering you that you're concerned about, don't worry. I won't even speak to you if that's what you want."
His face sags and he lets out a sigh, closing his eyes.
"Please, don't be like this. Tell me, what's been going on with you? I mean, it's been a long time since we've seen each other."
Like I didn't know that already, I want to shoot back at him, but instead I take a sip of water and shrug.
"I'm an assistant manager at T.G.I.Friday's. After you graduated, I got really depressed and my grades slipped spring semester to the point where I lost my scholarship. I needed money for school then, so I started waitressing there. I liked the job and the people okay and didn't really have anything else come up after I graduated, so I stayed there and worked my way up. It's not bad. I like my co-workers and it pays the bills."
He nods, those beautiful green eyes of his searching my face. Other men might ask if I was happy, if I was seeing anyone and so on, but not Nick. He can read people and he can read me, finding the answers he might want without even having to ask.
"Well, I better get back. Louie wants me to read a story to him."
Another jab at my heart. A reminder I don't want.
"You named him Louie?"
Nick smiles, a smile that's all the more hurtful for how gentle and loving it is.
"Louis, actually. He's the oldest. Then there's Nicholas, Jr. who everybody calls Nicky. And then our youngest is our daughter, Alix."
I can only nod and he nods back, saying that he'll see me at the funeral if I go.
It isn't until he's gone and the door's shut that I throw myself on the floor, wailing with grief while the water spills out of the glass, seeping into my robe and making the blackness cold.
Chilly.
Like death.
