The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

Alfred Packer · Aug 29, 2010

loki100 said:
good to see such a ... such a youthful leader of the Crovanian navy

need some fresh blood in there...new ideas right?

RGB said:
Will the plans succeed? No. Crovania does not understand kind and gentle. Crovania can barely understand anything longer than 3 lines. The Old constitution was perrfect, I'm a traditionalist. The founding father knew all!

I find it appropriate that a 5 year old is running the navy of the world's biggest maritime Empire, and the HoI style government? Harald is way ahead of his time.

Jiri is a racist jerk and he turns his head around like a bigoted belaced owl.

The Founding Fathers always know best. Such wordy amendments!

mayorqw said:
Crovania for the bloody, deranged Crovans!

Hoorah!

Stuyvesant said:
Such shining ideals, and the Enlightenment hasn't even dawned yet!

Now, if Harald knew his Crovan history, he'd know this was not only a hopeless endeavor, but in all likelihood one which will speed up his own demise considerably. Still, one has to admire his suicidal idealism.

Nice work on the art work! I'm quite impressed with the face-mirroring! From Jiri's response, it seems that a war with Bohemia and Russia is in the offing (again...).

Well...maaayyybbbeeeee...

Murmurandus said:
Good Heavens! That looked like a scene from 'The Exorcist'!

my usual high artistic standards at work

Woody Man said:
As always, you are the master of the baroque comic book style.

The freeing the serfs thing is a bit weird though, were I a Crovanian nobleman, I'd get with the murdering..

Their 'murder-sense' must be tingling, right?

Enewald said:
Hmm, who is the next heir?

coming soon right?

Kommunaut said:
Argh! Wouldn't you know that this gets going again while I'm on vacation and therefore don't notice it! A belated welcome back AP, and great updates!

Thanks Kommunaut and welcome back...to the AAR!

Also: turns out I did have time for an update today!

Alfred Packer · Aug 29, 2010

1670-1672: A Spot Of Tea!

Harald II “The Sun (Tanned) King” Eriksson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the Western Isles, King of the East and West Vikings, King of Germania and King of Vinland and the Skraelingias. Lord of Foppingtonia, Slavelandia and Zanzibar, High Admiral of Gibralter, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company and the Rightful King of All Poland.

In Which A Joke Goes Awry
(2 January 1670 – 5 January 1672)

We join the Tri-Emperor Conference, hosted in scenic Bohemian Calais. Present are Emperor Harald II of the Crovan Empire, Emperor Jiri III, King of Bohemia and the Holy Roman Emperor, and Tsar Zygamantius IV of the Russian Empire. The Conference was Harald’s idea.

“And so, gentlemen, I should like to toast to a new era of peace between our peoples. The tea, incidentally, is from my own personal tea fields in the new Crovan Province of Taiwan. I hope you both enjoy it.”

“Ah yes. It is delicious. Of course, I always use a spot of cream in mine.

“Of course!” Harald looks over the table in mild confusion. “Say, Jiri, I don’t see the sugar.

“That’s because there isn’t any.”

“Oh.” Harald was very confused, but decided to put his best foot forward. “Well, I’m terribly sorry to trouble you. Could you have one of the servants fetch some? In Crovania it is customary to add some sugar to one’s tea.”

“Oh, we use sugar as well. I just didn’t want to spoil your fun.”

“Spoil my fun? What do you mean Jiri, get to the point?”

“Well, I…” Jiri tittered, covering his mouth with his napkin. “I know how much you Portable Serfs love to pick your own.”

“WHAT? What did you just say?”

“You know…the Portable Serfs, always picking sugar and singing those delightful spirituals. Could you pipe out one for us?” Jiri tittered again.

…

Harald was furious. “Portable Serfs don’t pick sugar, you jackass. What you are thinking of is cotton. Sugar is cut.

“Regardless, I think the joke still works on several levels.”

“No. No it does not. You see, you are also not insulting a Portable Serf, but rather the Crovan Emperor in person. The most powerful man in the world and that is a bad idea little King.” Harald stormed off, calling his personal guard and heading for his flagship, the King Crovan.

Jiri paused thoughtfully. “Oh yes. Rather should have thought that through a bit further, eh Ziggy? I suppose this means we are at war. Well shit.”

…

“Eh. Speaking of which, old chum, it seems I might have need of an ally right about now, any interest in going to war with Crovania? Maybe you can recover Finland?”

“I am thinking, Jiri, that I will be sitting this war out.”

…

“Bollocks.”

Well, Jiri still has a neck, but he has stuck it out for the sake of racial humor. Was this a good plan? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World is Not Enough!

Kommunaut · Aug 29, 2010

Wow, only one of them going to war with you? I imagine they will be crushed by Harald and his mighty tan!

Enewald · Aug 29, 2010

Finland is not worth it. Bloody cold, and it is still august...
I hate the climate!

CatKnight · Aug 29, 2010

I think the Bohemians are about to have a problem.

Woody Man · Aug 29, 2010

Dawww that's a shame, I was hoping for a war of epic proportions! But alas, it will have to be a war of moderate size. Jiri was pretty hilarious though, I like him, hope he doesn't get killed..

unmerged(59077) · Aug 29, 2010

Finland is full of Finns with Finnish Knives. Good idea, Lithuanian-named Russian Tsar.

Jiri should time his jokes better. He would not be the last comic standing, is all I'm saying.

Stuyvesant · Aug 30, 2010

Well, Jiri is a racist jerk and doesn't think things through very well before acting, but he shows an admirable quickness in processing the rapid change in international relations:

Jiri paused thoughtfully. “Oh yes. Rather should have thought that through a bit further, eh Ziggy? I suppose this means we are at war. Well shit.”

Hopefully, Jiri's Empire will go down the tubes as quickly as his jokes.

Oh yeah, unexpectedly sane reaction from the Russian Czar. Hm, a Sun King in Crovania, a sane Russian as Czar - the times, they are a-changing.

Murmurandus · Aug 30, 2010

Mmm, the Sugar War will be noted in History if only for the reason why it started. Kind of the War of Jenkins' Ear...

Alfred Packer · Aug 31, 2010

Alright...this is annoying. My photobucket account is at 99% bandwidth for this cycle, so I'm not going to post a new update until the 9th when the cycle resets. I just don't want to post something and have it unreadable for a week.

I have finished the next update and I'll get a few more ready as well, so there will be regular updates after that.

I've never even approached my bandwidth limits with photobucket before, did they reduce their cap or something?

Enewald · Aug 31, 2010

Solution; make a new account in photobucket!

4th Dimension · Aug 31, 2010

Now think. What would a Crovan do. He certainly wouldn't let somebody like photobucket stop him from his goals.

Flammehav · Sep 1, 2010

Sucks. I've been reading alot the last 5 days, and got up to around 1340 or so and now all the pictures are gone

I guess I put the reading on hold for a week or so then, not so fun to read without the pictures. Great AAR though. I enjoyed it alot.

Rich028 · Sep 1, 2010

4th Dimension said:
Now think. What would a Crovan do. He certainly wouldn't let somebody like photobucket stop him from his goals.

There is not a single crovan who wouldn't threaten and then murder them. Except Asta, who would cut out the threaten bit.

unmerged(216158) · Sep 1, 2010

The pictures

they be gone

Stuyvesant · Sep 2, 2010

I guess it's the cumulative effect of 600 game-years worth of screenshots that finally brought the photobucket limit down on you.

Shame that it happened, I hope it's not a harbinger of the future. Well, regardless, looking forward to whenever the pictures (those beautiful pictures) reappear and the story continues.

Dearnen · Sep 2, 2010

Clearly, someone threw the current Assistant to the Posthumous Photo Laureate out a window.

...and I had just started reading again after about a year's absence. Not that I missed much, though, since our esteemed author took a long break himself. In any case, I look forward to the day that the most deranged noble family in world history is restored to their glory! All hail Crovania!

Murmurandus · Sep 2, 2010

Someone kicked the bucket...

Alfred Packer · Sep 9, 2010

Kommunaut said:
Wow, only one of them going to war with you? I imagine they will be crushed by Harald and his mighty tan!

None can stand before the Sun (Tanned) King!

Enewald said:
Finland is not worth it. Bloody cold, and it is still august...
I hate the climate!

I can't really argue with you. And neither could Ziggy!

CatKnight said:
I think the Bohemians are about to have a problem.

Indeed they are!

Woody Man said:
Dawww that's a shame, I was hoping for a war of epic proportions! But alas, it will have to be a war of moderate size. Jiri was pretty hilarious though, I like him, hope he doesn't get killed..

Well, he's alive for now!

RGB said:
Finland is full of Finns with Finnish Knives. Good idea, Lithuanian-named Russian Tsar.

Jiri should time his jokes better. He would not be the last comic standing, is all I'm saying.

Yeah, and a little research wouldn't hurt either

Stuyvesant said:
Well, Jiri is a racist jerk and doesn't think things through very well before acting, but he shows an admirable quickness in processing the rapid change in international relations:

Hopefully, Jiri's Empire will go down the tubes as quickly as his jokes.

Oh yeah, unexpectedly sane reaction from the Russian Czar. Hm, a Sun King in Crovania, a sane Russian as Czar - the times, they are a-changing.

Indeed, the 17th Century is a Strange New World

Murmurandus said:
Mmm, the Sugar War will be noted in History if only for the reason why it started. Kind of the War of Jenkins' Ear...

The Sugar War...I like that!

Enewald said:
Solution; make a new account in photobucket!

eh...maybe next time

4th Dimension said:
Now think. What would a Crovan do. He certainly wouldn't let somebody like photobucket stop him from his goals.

Well...Skofte I would have. So would that one king who committed suicide rather than Crusade...but on the whole, true!

Flammehav said:
Sucks. I've been reading alot the last 5 days, and got up to around 1340 or so and now all the pictures are gone

I guess I put the reading on hold for a week or so then, not so fun to read without the pictures. Great AAR though. I enjoyed it alot.

They're back...glad you've been enjoying it and welcome aboard!

Rich028 said:
There is not a single crovan who wouldn't threaten and then murder them. Except Asta, who would cut out the threaten bit.

Haha...Asta was so great.

Van5 said:
The pictures they be gone

They're back!

Stuyvesant said:
I guess it's the cumulative effect of 600 game-years worth of screenshots that finally brought the photobucket limit down on you.

Shame that it happened, I hope it's not a harbinger of the future. Well, regardless, looking forward to whenever the pictures (those beautiful pictures) reappear and the story continues.

If it is, I'll have to break down and make another account

Dearnen said:
Clearly, someone threw the current Assistant to the Posthumous Photo Laureate out a window.

...and I had just started reading again after about a year's absence. Not that I missed much, though, since our esteemed author took a long break himself. In any case, I look forward to the day that the most deranged noble family in world history is restored to their glory! All hail Crovania!

Its back...

Murmurandus said:
Someone kicked the bucket...

*rimshot

Alfred Packer · Sep 9, 2010

1672-1673: In Which The AuthAAR Lost His Script For This Episode And Just Winged It

Harald II “The Sun (Tanned) King” Eriksson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the Western Isles, King of the East and West Vikings, King of Germania and King of Vinland and the Skraelingias. Lord of Foppingtonia, Slavelandia and Zanzibar, High Admiral of Gibralter, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company and the Rightful King of All Poland.

Kolbein Catches A Leprechaun
(6 January 1672 – 7 February 1673)

“Well then, gentlemen, it is sad that our dear friend Marshal Adolphus passed right on the eve of this current crisis. That being said, I have found a man just as inventive and creative to fill his post in the Armaments Ministry. I present Lord Zatac.”

Lukas stood on his chair. “Hello everyone. I wanted to go over some ideas I’m implementing. First off, as a native of Skraelingia, I know how our coasts have been plagued by pirates. While the scheme to send hopelessly outdated ships of the line to the coasts has been great, I thought we might need something with more speed to run the raiders down. I’m currently raising three fleets of these ‘Frigates’ for use in coastal patrol duties. I’ve also developed…”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Your Imperial Majesty, but that is a great trick!”

“I’m sorry? Trick?”

“Your puppet…I can’t see strings or anything! Brilliant!”

“He is adorable isn’t he? Drink some water next time you make him talk!”

“…”

“I am not a puppet you morons. I am Lukas Zatec, Once-King of the Zapotec, Freeborn. I and my family proudly fought against the Einarsson Brothers in their invasion…”

Kolbein grabs the diminutive Armaments Minister about the waist. “Just in case you’re a leprechaun, I’ve got dibs on the pot of gold.”

“Knock it off you fools. Henceforth, Crovanian Ministries will be open to all personages, regardless of circumstances of birth, rank, family history or personal altitude. Mr. Zatec’s ideas have already shown such promise, you all would do well to learn from his outside-the-box thinking.”

…

“Um. Speaking of family, Cousin…My Caitilin is almost six years old now. Perhaps it is time that Skofte was betrothed?”

“Gah! Not now Erlend! We have a war to fight!”

“Oh right…I almost forgot.”

And fight it they did.

Bohemia found a pair of half-rate allies in Hungarian Saxony and the oft-treacherous Castile.

While the war was global, in the sense that Crovania stole a bunch of Castile’s colonies, the main effort was the 176,000 men who plunged over the borders into Saxony and Bohemia.

All was going according to plan until Morocco’s Axis of Third Rate Powers tipped the balance of power away from Crovania!

Just kidding. They were slaughtered.

And so was Bohemia.

In the words of Jiri III: “Bollocks.”

Skofte and Erlend kept their mouths’ shut, but what did they really think of Harald’s most egalitarian declaration? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World is Not Enough!

The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

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