The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

Kolbein Hakonsson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire



The Empire Reorganized!
(12 December 1454 – 6 April 1455)









Thanks to Geoffrey’s excellent suggestion, I am implementing a plan to completely overhaul my Kingdom. Here you can see the old way of doing things. Such a complicated mess! And given to corruption, intrigue and, of course, rebellion.







And here is the new system. As Holy Roman Emperor, I approved the changes in status for the Crovan Duchies. Isn’t this clean and concise? To mollify the nobility, I’ve given them most of the Governorships, only I have given them ones as far from their homes as possible.

See? Simple, elegant and best of all, since all the local institutions, developed and used over millennia, have been swept aside without a care, there is no troublesome organizations who can breed rebellion.








Okay, so maybe the total annihilation of the local institutions and language rights overnight wasn’t the best plan I ever had. The Crovan Guard will be working overtime. And this is just the Italian rebels. There is also a French uprising.







And just as we get the Italians under control, the Hungarians in Germany have risen up against us. The Hungaro-Germans we cannot reach with the Crovan Guard because Bohemia is blocking our passage.









“Quick, Chancellor Geoffrey, we need passage through Bohemian lands. I am sending you personally to negotiate this. The only condition you need to be aware of is that we will not give them anything at all in return.”

“Good luck!”







…

“Right. So negotiate the right for Crovan forces to travel at will through Bohemia, ‘requisitioning’ any supplies they need en route and all while not giving one single concession to the Bohemian Crown.”

Geoffrey nodded and turned, striding boldly down the audience hall. None could hear him mutter under his breath, “stupid git.”





A Week Later, Our Intrepid Chancellor Finds Himself Before The King Of Bohemia, Wadislas:

“Greetings, your Majesty, I come, as you know, with a simple request. Rebels have taken root throughout the Crovan Empire and we cannot effectively stop them without crossing your esteemed lands in very teeny, tiny, most inconspicuous areas which you won’t even notice unless you look very hard, for they will even clean up their wrappers.”

“Webellion is a tewwible tewwible thing. Espwecially if it spweds to my wands...”

Geoffrey quickly interjected, “which it might! These rebels will stop at nothing to see us all done away with.”

“Vewwy Wewwl. I shawl sign the Tweaty at once. But what wiwwl your master gwive me in wetuwn?”

“Ahem…

The King of Boheme I clearly see,
Has a hat of such quiet dignity,
On his head it perches so daintily.

Wadislas, well known for ability,
Err…oh! His form don’t have an ab-nor-mal-it-tee.

Though he claim-ed the throne through patricide,
King Wad is beloved both near, far and wide.”

…


“Intewesting stwucture. Is that Iambic Pwentameter?”

“Um. Yes. I call the structure the ‘Wadislas…Whyme.' Geoffrey winced inside.

He need not have worried, for the old King was tickled pink to have the new poem structure named in his honor and agreed to Kolbein’s request.
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Kolbein Hakonsson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire



In Which Kolbein Implements A Cunning Plan
(6 April 1455 – 17 April 1457)









The plan was simple. Even if the hike was long. It has become obvious the 9,000 strong Crovan Guard will not be anything like enough to keep the peace, so I’ve begun an expansion.







And now more Franks are rebelling…plus the Serb rebels have returned.








Good Lord, suddenly rebellious peasants, burghers, lords, you name it, they are thick and fast on the ground all demanding either freedom or a return to their ancient privileges.

If you think this is the way to convince Emperor Kolbein to change his mind, you are sorely mistaken.

What it will do, however, is force the Imperial Army to grow.

Now I’ve split the Crovan Guard and raised new Regiments, so we have 15,000 men split into brigades of 3,000 each, two of which are mounted.

Standing Armies are going to take some practice.






As the rebellions spread into North Africa, it has become clear to me that the people are displeased.









“Chancellor Geoffrey, Spymaster Gudbrand, Conversion Czar Eirik! Come to me. We must pow-wow.”







“Yes, sire?”






“The rebellion is spreading like wildfire. It seems like more Serbs rise up each week and we’ve only barely been able to keep a lid on the unrest in France and North Africa. I need suggestions.”






“What if we yield to some of their demands?”







…


…



“Eirik, you’re fired. Get out.”

“Does anyone have a reasonable suggestion?”







As Eirik slunk from the room, Gudbrand piped up excitedly. “Sire, I know this may take a while, but it seems to me that if we kill each and every single one of the rebels, well, the problem will take care of itself.







Kolbein was excited. “That’s what I was thinking! Well done Gudbrand. It may take decades or centuries, cost thousands of ducats and the lives of many of my expendable soldiers, but we shall perservere until we kill every last rebel in Crovan Europe.”

“See that Geoffrey? Now that is thinking outside the box!”






Geoffrey regarded the two men and thought before responding. “Yes. Excellent plan, of course.”

“Say, Your Imperial Majesty, as long as I’m here, we just got a messenger from…”





“Oh God, not another one of those complaints from that Count Grim guy because…”







“Oh no sire, this is from an actual ally. The King of Sardinia, you know the guy you just allied us with all off the cuff. It seems he is calling on us to honour that alliance…”
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Kolbein Hakonsson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire



Crovans At War
(17 April 1457 – 27 September 1458)









I will give the Sardinian’s credit. When they start a war, they start a fun one.







The plan was pretty straightforward.








The Saint Aslak Brigade: Terrors on the Battlefield, not so good at sieges.







The Dirty Peasants, unaware I am raising a new force just to deal with the uppity lower class, think that while at war, I will need to appease them…








“Ill news indeed sire, the vile peasantry has decided that this war is a perfect opportunity to demand reform. And by reform, I mean they are murdering your representatives and trying to throw off Crovan rule.”






“How bad of an uprising are we talking about here? I mean, there’s usually someone in revolt right?”






“True sire, but at the moment, aside from the usual Italian and French rebels, we have 9,000 Bohemians, 6,000 Serbs, and 8,000 Turks.”






“Well, lets think about this. The Crovan Horse Guard is near Moravia. Send them against the Bohemians…”







“I did Your Imperial Majesty. They are all dead now.”







Kolbein was excited. “Well done! I knew they could handle a few ruffians…”






“No sire, it’s the Crovan Guard who are dead. I think we need to accept that 15,000 soldiers isn’t going to be enough to maintain order in a country this size, at least if we want to continue our current levels of oppression.”





“You are right Gudbrand. Let us raise a new army in the Balkans, replace the Horse Guard and beef up all Brigades. My god, these stupid peasants are far more troublesome than Tripoli. At least the war has been nothing but good news. The Dalmatian coast has been overrun, we’ve seized their French lands and their African Capital is under siege. Tripoli may well cease to exist after this!”







“Odd news sire, I’ve just received word from my Sardinian counter-part. It seems the Tripoli War is over. Our allies have made peace in exchange for 7 pounds of gold.”





Kolbein’s face turned bright red. He stiffly excused himself from the room. His rage was barely contained and it was clear that many small knick-knacks on his apartment shelves would not survive the night. “King Andreas is a bitch,” he hissed through his teeth as he left.
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