+ Reply to Thread
Page 13 of 52 FirstFirst ... 3 11 12 13 14 15 23 38 ... LastLast
Results 241 to 260 of 1022

Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

  1. #241
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
    Hearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    Divine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi
    Victoria 2Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisRise of Prussia
    500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Conquest of ParadiseCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Columbus, GA
    Posts
    2,212
    Blog Entries
    7

    1489-1493:Asta is kind of b!tchy

    Erik I “The Spyder” Kolbeinsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire




    In Which Erik's Daughter Is Offended
    (3 May 1489 – 7 October 1493)








    So the tensions with Bohemia did not lead to war – yet. But they did lead to Scandinavia getting a free chance to seize Jamtland from Candar. My Jamtland.







    To help sooth the pain of losing Jamtland, for now, I have decided to hold a grand Debutante Ball at Viken Castle to introduce my dearest daughter Asta Eriksdottir to High Society.






    And, to further glorify Crovania and the Crovan family, I have commissioned the Full-Dan College of Architecture and Advanced Poetic Studies at Viken University. Classes will be held in Spyder Hall.







    And to make things even better, guess who the people of the province of Bohemia revolted to when the chased out their Saracen overlords? If you guessed me, then you are correct. Eat that Jiri!







    Of course, it isn’t all roses. The Olafian religious zealots keep rising up all over Norway.








    And in the south, Eadbert’s Folly has finally ended. I gave the last of the lands away.







    “You know father, I think you are too hard on the Olafites. They are a peaceful people who are devoted only to God.”







    “Shut up Hakon. I don’t want them devoted to God. I want them devoted to me!”







    “But father, worshiping Olaf Crovan, Christ, is what makes those serfs and peasants happy. And if they are happy, won’t they be devoted to you? Why not let them work and worship in peace, for your own greater glory?”













    “My God Hakon. I have sired an idiot. May God grant me a long life so I may teach you the errors of your ways!”







    “You know father, I am not an idiot like my twin brother. What if you made me heir in his stead? I mean, I was born first.”






    “What a woman Emperor? Oh Asta, darling, you sure do know how to make your old man laugh! Oh, the very idea of a woman in charge!”


    “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”








    “Heeheeheeheehee.” Bard snickered and laughed so hard his chair fell over backwards.







    “Oh your majesty! She is delightful! Perhaps she should attend all meetings. What a wit!”







    “The lass is bold, though she’s not old,
    enough to know women don’t matter.

    In time she’ll see, that on bended knee,
    is where women best should flatter.”







    Asta was not amused. She rose from her seat and strode over to where William was leaned against the wall. Quickly, she delivered a kick to his nether-regions which left the Poet crumpled, wheezing and weeping on the floor.

    “Fools. You’ll all pay for this humiliation.” Asta pointed at each man seated at the table. Hakon instinctively dropped his hands to protect his privates. His sister then stormed from the room.







    “You know sire,” Bard rubbed his chin reflectively, “I know women can’t handle power openly, being such a weak and small minded sex, but she’s got some fire. Surely you can find some use for her?”







    Erik regarded his son with contempt. “God, if only she had your penis Hakon, what a King she would make! But, no matter. There is a long Crovan tradition of Spymistresses. I think Asta might fit that bill admirably.”







    “Wait, but father, aren’t Spymasters in charge of all the assassins, spies, subterfuge and sabotage? And didn’t she say she wanted to hurt us all?”







    “My God Hakon. Maybe I should have held the debutante ball for you instead.”









    And now the royal brood is revealed. Both kids are 16, by the way, the Official Age of Adulthood for the Crovan Clan. What will this merry family and their hangers on get onto next? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  2. #242
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
    200k clubHearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    EU3 CompleteDivine WindHearts of Iron III CollectionHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    March of the EaglesVictoria: RevolutionsRome GoldVictoria 2Victoria II: A House Divided
    Victoria II: Heart of Darkness500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Wealth of NationsEUIV: Conquest of Paradise
    EUIV: Res PublicaCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of IslamCrusader Kings II: Sunset InvasionCrusader Kings II: The Republic
    Crusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of AbrahamCrusader Kings II: Rajas of IndiaCrusader Kings II: CharlemagneEUIV: Art of War

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    You might very well think that ; I couldn't possibly comment
    Posts
    5,897
    ROFL debutante ball for him . I totally cracked up on that one XD Another excellent update , AP !
    DANGEROUS LIAISONS
    The New Short AAR about Seduction , Manipulation , Intrigue , Mystery , and Revolution .
    -~= =~-
    T I M E L I N E S : What if Spain Failed to Control the World?
    Seventeen AARLand Choice Awards: Favourite Overall New WritAAR Q1 2007.
    Favourite Overall EU3 AAR: Q1 2007; Q2 2007; Q3 2007; Q4 2007; Q1 2008; Q2 2008; Q3 2008; Q4 2008
    Favourite Narrative EU3 AAR: Q1 2007; Q2 2007; Q3 2007; Q4 2007; Q1 2008; Q2 2008; Q3 2008; Q4 2008

    Three Times WritAAR of the Week: 4 March 2007 13 May 2007 & 28 March 2008;
    Twice AAR Showcase: 9 Dec 2007, 14 Jun 2009; Twice Best Character Writer: 9 Dec 2007, 13 Sep 2008

    Editor in Chief of The AARlander

  3. #243
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
    Crusader Kings II

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Las Cruces, NM
    Posts
    2,554
    Blog Entries
    5
    hah, I misread this originally as this:

    Erik regarded his son with contempt. “God, if only you had a penis, Hakon."
    Harhar.

  4. #244
    Second Lieutenant Kommunaut's Avatar
    Crusader Kings IIDeus VultHeir to the ThroneSword of the StarsVictoria 2
    Victoria II: A House Divided

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Cupertino, CA, USA
    Posts
    161
    Great update. I love the whole womanly son/manly daughter thing. I see many great jokes in the future stemming from this.

  5. #245
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
    200k clubCities in MotionCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3
    EU3 CompleteDivine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest Hour
    Heir to the ThroneMarch of the EaglesNaval War: Arctic CircleRome GoldSemper Fi
    SengokuSword of the StarsVictoria 2Mount & Blade: Warband500k club
    Europa Universalis IV

    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Meerhout, Flanders, Belgium - Born in Brugge;)
    Posts
    5,745
    Blog Entries
    7
    Great piece of poetry by William by the way...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

    Ubisoft EUII 1.09 ~ Strategy First Victoria 1.04 ~ Paradox CK Deus Vult ~ Paradox HoI2 Doomsday ~ Paradox EUIII Complete ~ Paradox EU: Rome Gold

    Currently being a loser in Hattrick as FC MMDS (316966) as you could read here .

  6. #246
    Sigh. If only a witty comment came to my mind. Ok, how 'bout that:

    "Great series of updates, Packer!"

  7. #247
    Human Enewald's Avatar
    54 games registered

    54

    200k clubArsenal of DemocracyHearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDarkest Hour
    Deus VultDungeonlandEast India Company CollectionEU3 CompleteDivine Wind
    For The GloryFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHearts of Iron III CollectionHOI3: Their Finest Hour
    Heir to the ThroneImpireEuropa Universalis III: In NomineIron CrossLeviathan: Warships
    The Kings CrusadeMajesty II CollectionMarch of the EaglesEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: Revolutions
    Europa Universalis: RomeRome GoldSemper FiSengokuVictoria 2
    Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisWarlock: Master of the ArcaneWar of the Roses
    EU Rome Collectors EditionEU3 Collectors Edition500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Wealth of Nations
    EUIV: Conquest of ParadiseEUIV: Res PublicaCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of IslamCrusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of AbrahamCrusader Kings II: Rajas of IndiaEUIV: Art of War

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Hellsinki,Finland
    Posts
    22,963
    ROFL. Only if the floor were not so cold.

    Excellent!
    I love those uber-witty comments!
    They are so divine!

  8. #248
    Captain Berrrie's Avatar
    200k clubHoI AnthologyEast India CompanyEU3 CompleteHearts of Iron III
    Heir to the ThroneSemper Fi

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Belgium
    Posts
    356
    There is no denying that Hakon is a Crovan...
    Nothing to see here...

  9. #249
    Captain Rastar's Avatar
    Crusader Kings IIEuropa Universalis 3For the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionSemper FiVictoria 2500k club
    Europa Universalis IV

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Margaritaville
    Posts
    342
    Poets in pain once again. Asta makes a great Crovan!
    EU3 AAR -- WC with Malacca in IN 3.1 – Complete Insanity??? Weekly AAR Showcase Award Winner in 2009. Tragically abandoned due to hard drive failure, but not before beating up on Ming a few times...

  10. #250

  11. #251
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
    Hearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    Divine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi
    Victoria 2Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisRise of Prussia
    500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Conquest of ParadiseCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Columbus, GA
    Posts
    2,212
    Blog Entries
    7

    1493-1495: War. hun. good god ya'll. What is it good for? Plunder.

    Erik I “The Spyder” Kolbeinsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire




    In Which Erik Takes Advantage Of A Timely Excommunication
    (28 November 1493 – 11 February 1495)








    “My liege I run to share some fun,
    The Greeks have run fowl of the Saxons.

    Excommunication for his fornication,
    With a lass the German called wife.

    A punishment most fitting would be us forcing him quitting,
    His control of lands Swedish this night.”







    “Good Lord William, that is awful. What the devil are you talking about anyway?”






    “Sorry sire. I composed it whilst running up the stairs.” Still, William looked somewhat hurt. He’d been quite proud of himself for rhyming ‘excommunication,’ a difficult task even when not winded. “But I wanted to tell you that the King of Saxony has gotten the Pope to declare the Greek King a heretic. We can attack him with the blessings of the whole world!”







    “You shall be forgiven your poem, for now, William, because this is excellent news!”







    “Indeed it is sire, I shall call out the armies at once!”








    “Wait, Dad, is this right? I mean, yeah I know that Bergslagen is rightfully ours, don’t get me wrong, but the people are still recovering from your last war. Shouldn’t we wait?”









    “Go to your room Hakon.”







    “Father, I am an adult and the Duke of the Western Isles. You cannot send me to my room.”







    Erik was shaking with a mixture of rage and embarrassment. “No Crovan ever bothered themselves worrying about fate the peasantry! You might as well worry yourself over the fate of your bed lice!”

    Still, he calmed himself before finishing. His voice was flat. “Hakon, I can send you to your room, or I can skin your cowardly hide right here and now.”













    “I’ll be in my room if anyone needs me.”







    “Wise choice. Now, unless anyone else would like to object, let’s get this started.”






    The Greeks, Sardinians and Silesians are opening the war by going onto the attack.







    Which is great because I can just march into their tiny, undefended lands and take everything.







    Which I do.







    The Marines are sent to the Greek capital, where they quickly capture King Georgios I, The Heretic.







    Who decides that abject surrender, the loss of all his Scandinavian and German lands, and much begging and pleading is certainly better that being drowned in an outhouse.







    Sardinia agrees to peace in exchange for me surrendering my claims to lands I no longer own and do not want. They call it a win, but I still got all that Greek and Silesian territory, so they can call it a ‘tomato,’ for all I care.



    Meanwhile, In Viken Castle:





    Hakon answers a knock on his door. “Oh God! Asta! Please don’t kill me!”







    Asta smiled wickedly. “Dear brother, I certainly would never hurt you! In fact, my spies have uncovered a book I thought you might enjoy. Something to help pass the time until father returns from the war.”







    “I think you may find this book speaks to you, dear brother, the way it speaks to those serfs you love so much.”









    Ho ho! What the devil is that minx up to? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  12. #252
    Human Enewald's Avatar
    54 games registered

    54

    200k clubArsenal of DemocracyHearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDarkest Hour
    Deus VultDungeonlandEast India Company CollectionEU3 CompleteDivine Wind
    For The GloryFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHearts of Iron III CollectionHOI3: Their Finest Hour
    Heir to the ThroneImpireEuropa Universalis III: In NomineIron CrossLeviathan: Warships
    The Kings CrusadeMajesty II CollectionMarch of the EaglesEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: Revolutions
    Europa Universalis: RomeRome GoldSemper FiSengokuVictoria 2
    Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisWarlock: Master of the ArcaneWar of the Roses
    EU Rome Collectors EditionEU3 Collectors Edition500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Wealth of Nations
    EUIV: Conquest of ParadiseEUIV: Res PublicaCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of IslamCrusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of AbrahamCrusader Kings II: Rajas of IndiaEUIV: Art of War

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Hellsinki,Finland
    Posts
    22,963
    Maybe that book shall even teach a crovan something of mercy!
    Bah, probably not.
    Just more evilness.

    Hĺkan, gĺ till ditt rum!

  13. #253
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
    200k clubCities in MotionCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3
    EU3 CompleteDivine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest Hour
    Heir to the ThroneMarch of the EaglesNaval War: Arctic CircleRome GoldSemper Fi
    SengokuSword of the StarsVictoria 2Mount & Blade: Warband500k club
    Europa Universalis IV

    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Meerhout, Flanders, Belgium - Born in Brugge;)
    Posts
    5,745
    Blog Entries
    7
    Ok, Asta clearly is the Penultimate Crovan... Our fate is in her hands...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

    Ubisoft EUII 1.09 ~ Strategy First Victoria 1.04 ~ Paradox CK Deus Vult ~ Paradox HoI2 Doomsday ~ Paradox EUIII Complete ~ Paradox EU: Rome Gold

    Currently being a loser in Hattrick as FC MMDS (316966) as you could read here .

  14. #254
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
    Crusader Kings II

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Las Cruces, NM
    Posts
    2,554
    Blog Entries
    5
    Amazing - you've obviously mastered the dialogue. I love the interplay between the idiot poet and the emperor, whose every response is some variation of how bloody awful the poetry turned out to be. It's like some kind of British sitcom.

  15. #255
    Captain Berrrie's Avatar
    200k clubHoI AnthologyEast India CompanyEU3 CompleteHearts of Iron III
    Heir to the ThroneSemper Fi

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Belgium
    Posts
    356
    Wicked Asta!!!
    Also, nice conquests. We finally begin to see some blobbing.
    Nothing to see here...

  16. #256
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
    Hearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    Divine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi
    Victoria 2Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisRise of Prussia
    500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Conquest of ParadiseCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Columbus, GA
    Posts
    2,212
    Blog Entries
    7
    Enewald: Mercy? Never!

    Murmurandus: her evil hands!

    phargle: thank you...dialogue has been my Achilles' Heel, so I'm glad to hear I'm making progress!

    Berrie: I know it...I'm so happy for missions and lucky nations. The maps before were painful to look at!

  17. #257

  18. #258
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
    Hearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    Divine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi
    Victoria 2Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisRise of Prussia
    500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Conquest of ParadiseCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Columbus, GA
    Posts
    2,212
    Blog Entries
    7

    1495-1496: Thank God. That Knut was a wet blanket!

    Erik I “The Spyder” Kolbeinsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire




    In Which Knut Loses His Job
    (1 March 1495 – 2 May 1496)








    Hakon burst into the meeting. He was terribly excited. “Father! I bring great news! I have just returned from Wallachia and –“







    “Oh great. And how was the honeymoon?”







    Hakon was thrown. “Oh, um great. Lot’s of fun, thank you father. And Rupina is a delightful girl, thank you for arraigning that marriage for me father. But anyway, there was exciting news – “







    Erik cut his son off again. “Well, anything for you son. She seemed kind of mousey, and I think her father’s a secret Olafite, but whatever the heir wants, the heir gets, right Asta?”
















    Hakon flushed red. He was getting visibly agitated. “Anyway, father, the news from-“







    So, son, how was the weather? Did you have a nice cruise?”







    Hakon threw up his hands, “dammit dad, you know good and well Wallichia is landlocked! Why the Hell won’t you-“







    Erik, and the entire court, excluding Asta, exploded into laughter. “Sorry son, I can’t…I can’t that was so funny. Anyway, the news from Wallachia. I suppose you wanted to tell me that they had split with the Holy Catholic Church and they’ve denied that the Pope holds the keys to salvation.”










    “Well, um, yes.” Hakon was deflated.







    “And I suppose you were going to tell-”







    “Tell him what sire!” Knut cut off the Emperor and then broke into giggles. The rest of the room was silent.









    “You’re fired Knut.








    Knut hung his head in shame as he rose from his seat. “Sorry, your Imperial Majesty.”







    “Yes. You should be. Jokes like that are only funny the first time. Now then, I would like to introduce you all to someone. Siegmund August Shultz, the Sheriff of Trondelag and Earl of Agdar. Siegmund will be charged with three tasks. First, he is going to implement, Empire wide, the system of tax levying that has proved so profitable in Trondelag. Second, since Knut is no longer with us, he will also be charged with watching the spread of these Protestant Churches within our Empire and to report on the major strains infecting Crovania. Since the 95 Theses were nailed to the door of the Wallachia Cathedral, every two-bit drunken priest in Europe as come forward with some cockamamie new religious doctrine. The only thing they all have in common is that they repudiate the authority of the Pope in Rome and that they are spreading too fast amongst the population for me to simply kill them all, as we usually do.”

    “To help provide a cover for these activities, Earl Siegmund you will undertake a strict accounting of the entire Crovan Empire. We shall put it out that this is because of all the changes in landownership since the southern losses and the northern conquests, and it is. But Asta, I want your spies to work with Siegmund. I want to know everything about these religions running rampant within my empire. There may be an advantage to be gained here.”







    Asta regarded Seigmund briefly. Then, for a moment her eyes flicked to her brother. “I agree, father, there may be an advantage to be gained here. Earl Seigmund shall enjoy the full cooperation of my organization.”







    “Excellent. And pay particular attention to what’s going on around Viken-Bohuslan. I understand that a majority of the citizenry around here are already, more or less openly, turning their backs on the Catholic Church. I want to know the leaders, their intentions, and whether or not the army needs to teach them the importance of Last Rites.”








    Hakon’s face what white as a sheet. “Oh father, I highly doubt anyone would have designs on your life!”







    “Oh dear brother, so gentle and naďve. Sometimes I wonder if you are better suited to a cloistered life, perhaps working within a church, or something. An Emperor must always be one step ahead of his enemies, even if they don’t know they are his enemies.” She smiled a toothy, wolfish smile and Hakon sunk further in his seat.







    Erik regarding his two children for a moment, his thoughts his own, before he rose. “Excellent, then Seigmund, you and Asta have your orders. Off with you.”









    Okay, so we didn’t find out. Well, anyway, Hakon has married and the Protestant Revolution is under way. Join us next time for boring statistics on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  19. #259
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
    Hearts of Iron 2: ArmageddonCrusader Kings IIDeus VultEuropa Universalis 3Europa Universalis: Chronicles
    Divine WindFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIHOI3: Their Finest HourHeir to the Throne
    Europa Universalis III: In NomineEU3 Napoleon's AmbitionVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi
    Victoria 2Victoria II: A House DividedVictoria II: Heart of DarknessRome: Vae VictisRise of Prussia
    500k clubEuropa Universalis IV: Pre-orderEUIV: Conquest of ParadiseCrusader Kings II: Legacy of RomeCrusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
    Crusader Kings II: The RepublicCrusader Kings II: The Old GodsCrusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Columbus, GA
    Posts
    2,212
    Blog Entries
    7

    1496: Manpower-Schmanpower

    Erik I “The Spyder” Kolbeinsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire




    A Very Boring Halloween
    (31 October 1496)








    “Well then, Seigmund and Asta have completed their investigations into the Empire. I am a grandfather twice over, thanks to my son Hakon and his twin boys, and William has completed the Epic Poem ‘The Greek Crusade.’ My cup runneth over. William, I am going to save your little gem for last. First, Seigmund, Asta, please begin.”







    “Right, of course your Imperial Majesty. I started with an assessment of your territories and our neighbors.”







    “First off, the southern lands are all gone, as you know. This has actually made us much stronger. By wisely shedding all those peripheral lands, the Crovan Empire is much more compact, tightly organized and easier to maintain and defend. I think the directions the Empire needs to expand to continue this trend are quite obvious. Although, in addition to securing the Baltic Coastline and the Scandinavian Interior, I would suggest we consider seizing that small Kingdom in Ireland, and maybe a piece of the Spanish coast, to kind of surround the rest of Europe.”







    “As far as external threats, well, there are two current threats and two emerging threats. First, Great Lithuania. We don’t have any real conflicts as of yet, but we hold that small swatch of land in the heart of Lithuania and, I think, we both have designs on Finland. They are also the largest and most powerful nation, excepting, of course, The Crovan Empire.”

    “The Holy Roman Emperor and King of Bohemia is another threat. They are consolidating their territories in Southern Germany, they have a stranglehold on the Imperial throne and we have several interlaced territories. Add to that the fact that you have personally humiliated the King and your families have been in competition for some time and it becomes clear that conflict with them will probably be inevitable and constant until one of us is destroyed.”

    “As far as emerging threats, well, England has consolidated, we have an ancient enmity with the Brahe Clan which runs the place and we have a competition over control of Scotland. For them, I recommend we bribe ourselves into their good graces and then kick them out of Scotland when they least expect it.”

    “Finally, The Grand Duke Mecklenburg in Britanny. This Lord has migrated almost as much as your family has, Your Imperial Majesty. They hold a portion of the old Duchy of Jutland, so they will have to be dealt with eventually. I recommend we continue to support the French Duchy of Provence as a counterweight against them.”







    “And what about all of those other countries and continents outside of Europe and Asia? I’ve never heard about them before?”








    Siegmund regarded the map for a moment. “Oh, that’s nothing really. I issued them a very large piece of parchment and cartographers hate to leave blank space. I guess they didn’t feel like painting dragons.”







    “Anyway, onto the military. Now, we maintain the largest in the world, almost 100,000 men under arms and enough to battle both Bohemia and Lithuania at the same time. However, our projected maximum available reserves are quite tiny, so our army is actually quite fragile. In any seriously prolonged war, we will probably need to make extensive use of Mercenaries. That will be something to keep in mind, financially.”







    “For now, we are maintaining 10 Active Divisions, each consisting of 6 Regiments of Longbowmen and 4 Regiments of Light Cavalry. This has been effective in past wars, so we will probably keep this structure for now, in spite of the expense.”

    “As for the Navy, well, we have two equal fleets, one based in the Canary Islands and one based in the Baltic. Each is able to transport a full division anywhere in a moment’s notice.”







    “Now, to pay for this military, the Crovan Empire has the largest income in the world, although Great Lithuania might have surpassed us. I think they acquired another country through marriage, which gave them quite a boost.”







    “Unfortunately, do to the size to the army we must maintain, and our frequent use of it in Wars of Glorious Conquest, we are faced with runaway inflation, which as of yet, we cannot find a way to curb. This is a big problem that will have to be faced or else our economy, military, everything will just collapse.”







    Erik regarded the scroll carefully. After all, there was still so much to do and he was already 41. He then regarded his son. “Tell me, Siegmund, let us say that I must engage in a few more wars in my lifetime. Could inflation control be put off, say, until another, less glorious, reign?”







    Siegmund looked through his papers and thought for a while. Regardless of his personal feelings on the matter, he knew what the emperor wanted to hear. “Of course, Your Imperial Majesty.”







    “Excellent. Speaking of that less-glorious reign, Hakon, I believe you have some exciting news to share.”








    Hakon was annoyed as he’d hoped for something besides a reign of Glorious Accounting, but still, fatherly pride took over. “Yes father, I do. Or should I say, grand-father! I have secured the Imperial succession by fathering twin sons. The first out I have named Gunnar, in honor of that Most Christian Monarch, Gunnar the Self Mutilated, father of Half-Dan The Great. I have named his younger brother Hakon, in honor of Hakon II the Tasty, your posthumous grandfather. I think little Hakon will be trained for the priesthood.”







    Erik shrugged. “Well, Hakon, interesting choices, naming your sons after those who made way for great monarchs rather than the great monarchs themselves.”







    Asta cut in, “yes, father, I find that interesting, and for just the same reasons.”







    “Yes. Well, now that that is done, Asta, what have your spies found out about these Protestants in Viken?”








    Hakon swallowed hard as his sister spoke. He felt like her eyes never left him. “Well father, we have found two major groupings of Protestants within the Empire. The Protestant Church of Olaf Crovan, Christ Reborn and the Reformed Church of Audun Crovan, Christ Mistaken. The Audunites, for now, seem to be strongest in your French lands, while the Olafites are strongest right here in Viken itself.”

    “Now then, the Audunites and the Olafites both refute the power of the Pope, but otherwise seem rather doctrinally similar to each other in that both claim a descendant of Gudrod Crovan, our progenitor, as Christ Reborn. There are a couple of key differences though.”

    The Audunites claim that Jesus returned in the form of Audun Crovan. He was to convince King Skule to liberate the Holy Land from the infidels so that he could return with Power. Instead, he was murdered. Since Christ did not return with power when Bard II conquered Jerusalem, the Audunites think that God actually wanted Skule to Crusade in some other location and Audun Christ simply heard God wrong on his way down from Heaven. They are waiting for Christ to return with the correct location of the necessary Crusade.”

    The Olafites draw their inspiration from a later Crovan, namely Arch-Bishop Olaf Crovan. He was the Bishop of Constantinople under Eadbert the Mover and Alfred, last of the vile Saxon-Crovans. Twice excommunicated by the Pope, addicted to cheap wine and covered in a rather nasty rash, Olaf is not what most of us think of when we think of Christ returning to Earth, but this church is huge with the serfs and vile peasants, and those who love them,” a small smile danced over Asta’s lips, “because they see Olaf as one of them. A very personal savior, if you will.”

    Asta shrugged. “Neither one is a threat, for now, father. In fact, since both sects look to our family as God on Earth, I would highly recommend a program of tolerance. As for the most useful, I would say the Olafites could better used, simply because Audun Crovan is a known Erlend-Crovan, while I am fairly certain I can, ahem, provide evidence that Olaf was a good Aslak-Crovan, like ourselves.”






    “Excellent work, Asta. But, I also asked you to discover the leaders of these sects, what have you there?”







    “Oh we are working on that father, do not worry.” She smiled at Hakon as he shrank into his seat, “and we have some excellent leads.”









    So Protestantism has spread to Crovania and we’ve learned about the Imperial finances. Woo-hoo. Join us next time for something exciting on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  20. #260
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
    Crusader Kings II

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Las Cruces, NM
    Posts
    2,554
    Blog Entries
    5
    Erik Crovan is a bad-ass. I dig the crotchety old bastard.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 13 of 52 FirstFirst ... 3 11 12 13 14 15 23 38 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts