1489-1493:Asta is kind of b!tchy
And now the royal brood is revealed. Both kids are 16, by the way, the Official Age of Adulthood for the Crovan Clan. What will this merry family and their hangers on get onto next? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
Erik I “The Spyder” Kolbeinsson Crovan
Emperor of the Crovan Empire
In Which Erik's Daughter Is Offended
(3 May 1489 – 7 October 1493)
So the tensions with Bohemia did not lead to war – yet. But they did lead to Scandinavia getting a free chance to seize Jamtland from Candar. My Jamtland.
To help sooth the pain of losing Jamtland, for now, I have decided to hold a grand Debutante Ball at Viken Castle to introduce my dearest daughter Asta Eriksdottir to High Society.
And, to further glorify Crovania and the Crovan family, I have commissioned the Full-Dan College of Architecture and Advanced Poetic Studies at Viken University. Classes will be held in Spyder Hall.
And to make things even better, guess who the people of the province of Bohemia revolted to when the chased out their Saracen overlords? If you guessed me, then you are correct. Eat that Jiri!
Of course, it isn’t all roses. The Olafian religious zealots keep rising up all over Norway.
And in the south, Eadbert’s Folly has finally ended. I gave the last of the lands away.
“You know father, I think you are too hard on the Olafites. They are a peaceful people who are devoted only to God.”
“Shut up Hakon. I don’t want them devoted to God. I want them devoted to me!”
“But father, worshiping Olaf Crovan, Christ, is what makes those serfs and peasants happy. And if they are happy, won’t they be devoted to you? Why not let them work and worship in peace, for your own greater glory?”
…
…
“My God Hakon. I have sired an idiot. May God grant me a long life so I may teach you the errors of your ways!”
“You know father, I am not an idiot like my twin brother. What if you made me heir in his stead? I mean, I was born first.”
“What a woman Emperor? Oh Asta, darling, you sure do know how to make your old man laugh! Oh, the very idea of a woman in charge!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Heeheeheeheehee.” Bard snickered and laughed so hard his chair fell over backwards.
“Oh your majesty! She is delightful! Perhaps she should attend all meetings. What a wit!”
“The lass is bold, though she’s not old,
enough to know women don’t matter.
In time she’ll see, that on bended knee,
is where women best should flatter.”
Asta was not amused. She rose from her seat and strode over to where William was leaned against the wall. Quickly, she delivered a kick to his nether-regions which left the Poet crumpled, wheezing and weeping on the floor.
“Fools. You’ll all pay for this humiliation.” Asta pointed at each man seated at the table. Hakon instinctively dropped his hands to protect his privates. His sister then stormed from the room.
“You know sire,” Bard rubbed his chin reflectively, “I know women can’t handle power openly, being such a weak and small minded sex, but she’s got some fire. Surely you can find some use for her?”
Erik regarded his son with contempt. “God, if only she had your penis Hakon, what a King she would make! But, no matter. There is a long Crovan tradition of Spymistresses. I think Asta might fit that bill admirably.”
“Wait, but father, aren’t Spymasters in charge of all the assassins, spies, subterfuge and sabotage? And didn’t she say she wanted to hurt us all?”
“My God Hakon. Maybe I should have held the debutante ball for you instead.”
Emperor of the Crovan Empire
In Which Erik's Daughter Is Offended
(3 May 1489 – 7 October 1493)
So the tensions with Bohemia did not lead to war – yet. But they did lead to Scandinavia getting a free chance to seize Jamtland from Candar. My Jamtland.
To help sooth the pain of losing Jamtland, for now, I have decided to hold a grand Debutante Ball at Viken Castle to introduce my dearest daughter Asta Eriksdottir to High Society.
And, to further glorify Crovania and the Crovan family, I have commissioned the Full-Dan College of Architecture and Advanced Poetic Studies at Viken University. Classes will be held in Spyder Hall.
And to make things even better, guess who the people of the province of Bohemia revolted to when the chased out their Saracen overlords? If you guessed me, then you are correct. Eat that Jiri!
Of course, it isn’t all roses. The Olafian religious zealots keep rising up all over Norway.
And in the south, Eadbert’s Folly has finally ended. I gave the last of the lands away.
“You know father, I think you are too hard on the Olafites. They are a peaceful people who are devoted only to God.”
“Shut up Hakon. I don’t want them devoted to God. I want them devoted to me!”
“But father, worshiping Olaf Crovan, Christ, is what makes those serfs and peasants happy. And if they are happy, won’t they be devoted to you? Why not let them work and worship in peace, for your own greater glory?”
…
…
“My God Hakon. I have sired an idiot. May God grant me a long life so I may teach you the errors of your ways!”
“You know father, I am not an idiot like my twin brother. What if you made me heir in his stead? I mean, I was born first.”
“What a woman Emperor? Oh Asta, darling, you sure do know how to make your old man laugh! Oh, the very idea of a woman in charge!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Heeheeheeheehee.” Bard snickered and laughed so hard his chair fell over backwards.
“Oh your majesty! She is delightful! Perhaps she should attend all meetings. What a wit!”
“The lass is bold, though she’s not old,
enough to know women don’t matter.
In time she’ll see, that on bended knee,
is where women best should flatter.”
Asta was not amused. She rose from her seat and strode over to where William was leaned against the wall. Quickly, she delivered a kick to his nether-regions which left the Poet crumpled, wheezing and weeping on the floor.
“Fools. You’ll all pay for this humiliation.” Asta pointed at each man seated at the table. Hakon instinctively dropped his hands to protect his privates. His sister then stormed from the room.
“You know sire,” Bard rubbed his chin reflectively, “I know women can’t handle power openly, being such a weak and small minded sex, but she’s got some fire. Surely you can find some use for her?”
Erik regarded his son with contempt. “God, if only she had your penis Hakon, what a King she would make! But, no matter. There is a long Crovan tradition of Spymistresses. I think Asta might fit that bill admirably.”
“Wait, but father, aren’t Spymasters in charge of all the assassins, spies, subterfuge and sabotage? And didn’t she say she wanted to hurt us all?”
“My God Hakon. Maybe I should have held the debutante ball for you instead.”
And now the royal brood is revealed. Both kids are 16, by the way, the Official Age of Adulthood for the Crovan Clan. What will this merry family and their hangers on get onto next? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!
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