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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

  1. #821
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    1651-1665: Time Flies When Nothing Happens

    Erik IV Dagmarsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the Western Isles, King of the East and West Vikings, King of Germania and King of Vinland and the Skraelingias. Lord of Foppingtonia, Slavelandia and Zanzibar, High Admiral of Gibralter, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company and the Rightful King of All Poland.




    In Which More People Commit Treason
    (31 March 1651 – 28 February 1665)



    We join the Imperial Council already in session. Colonel Gustavus, commander of the 8th Akershus Rifle Regiment, is making a presentation about military tactics.






    “…and so, Your Imperial Majesty, while these smaller and shallower formations require greater drill and precision to succeed, it is plainly obvious that the increase in firepower will more than offset the risks. Especially when you consider the size of our standing army.”







    “He has a point, sire. And when you think about it, giving the men more work to do should drastically cut down on the high volume of violent crime near army bases.”







    Skofte “Hough” Crovan, Kennet Haraldson’s replacement, spoke next. “I don’t know cousin, I think…







    “Silence Ham-Hocks. You are only here because I find that my faith in non-family ministers has plummeted of late.”

    “And as for you, Gustavus, when I am done railing at you for wasting my valuable time with this gibberish about articulated infantry and Roman-esque drill, you will be hanged from the neck until dead, if you are lucky!. Why Harald and I could have been fishing, or reading poetry, hunting. Anything! But waste my valuable family time with this…this…”







    “If you please, father, allow me a thought here. I think that this man may be right. These shallow formations will be weaker, but the increase in drill and their smaller unit sizes will allow a shocking speed on the battlefield while allowing us to maintain a cohesive force.”







    Erik’s face broke into a wide grin. “Ah, son…so clever and wise. Very well, this new Haraldian Infantry formation shall be implemented throughout the Armies of Crovania at once.”







    “If it please you, father, could we call it Gustavian, after the good Colonel here? And perhaps reward his clever insights?”







    “Such modesty! Of course my pious son. Colonel, you are now a full General. The Army of Norway is now your command. Report to it at once.”







    The General bowed deeply. “Of course. Thank you Your Imperial Majesty.”







    “Alright, that’s settled. C’mon son, lets go fishing.”







    “Wait, father, shouldn’t we hear what the other ministers have to say?”







    Erik regarded them thoughtfully. “No. They never have anything useful for me. Its just a bunch of crap designed to keep me from my boy. Let’s go.

    Harald shook his head as they left.







    Erlend waited until they were long gone before he spoke. “Well, gentlemen, do you now agree? He has lost it. Erik could have been a great Emperor, but he has just lost it.”







    Hough sighed. “Yes, cousin, but what are we to do? Kill Erik? Then our family loses the throne.”







    “Well, and if we don’t act, then what? Some crisis will come up and we’ll all wind up swinging like Kennet. Or sent to the salt mines like Egilsson and his sons. I don’t even want to think about what happened to Amundsson after he questioned Erik’s fitness to rule. We are the Imperial Cabinet. It is our duty to act in a way that protects our own necks…and also the Empire. And really, would Harald be so bad?”







    “True. And we could always kill him if he has any heirs.”







    “Or get him to marry into the family. That will just redirect the throne back to the Clan. Still, we are agreed. Erik must die.”

    The conspirators shook hands and slipped from the Imperial Conference Room.



    Meanwhile, on a small fishing boat.





    “Harald, it is impossible! You are far too young to get married! Why that would cut into our father-son time!”







    Harald regarded his father with some confusion. “Father, we are in love. Plus, I am twenty years old!” His eyes narrowed. “I thought you’d be excited for me.”







    Uh-oh, trouble on the Good Ship Family Bonding. So the Crovan Clan has been allowed into the Imperial Circle and immediately plots regicide. How typical. How will all this play out? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

    (Note: I only noticed just now that Harald's portrait is wearing spectacles...I might change that!)

  2. #822
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    Excellent update. In his intelligence, Harald strongly suggests he's not his father's boy, but that's hardly surprising.

    Erik sure has gone downhill fast since he became so smitten with his 'son'. It has not hurt the Empire yet, but that can't be far of (albeit probably not as far off as the assassination attempt against Erik. Of course, the moment that Erik decided to entrust his Empire to his fellow Crovans was really the moment you knew he'd totally lost it, so that assassination is poetic justice - sort of).

    Does the Empress (she of the Fetching Hats) have any role to play in the coming tragedy, or has she already taken her final bow?

  3. #823
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    Spectacles!

    These, these... satanic objects need to be destroyed at once!

    Maybe put the bearer on a burning pile of old flags...
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  4. #824
    Disciple of Peperna CatKnight's Avatar
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    Like Stuyvesant says, Harald's intelligence and insight pretty much confirmed he's not a Crovan.

    Of course, if he marries whoever he loves (who I'll assume is also a non-Crovan), the conspirators might keep busy trying to kill him as well as Erik.

    I wonder how the rest of Europe feels about a 'suntanned' man as heir apparent to the most powerful nation on Earth.
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  5. #825
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    A Crovan father-son moment on a ship?

    I am seeing unpleasant flashbacks!

    Meanwhile, traitors, traitors everywhere! Execute them all by Gustavian firing squad. It's more efficient than a pike-and-shot execution team.
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  6. #826
    Þeoden Woody Man's Avatar
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    Perhaps we'll see a slightly bizarre golden age under Harald?
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  7. #827
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    Do they have no other potential heirs?
    I am sure everyone within your state has Crovan blood in their veins...
    Call it prima noctae.

  8. #828
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    Do they have no other potential heirs?
    I am sure everyone within your state has Crovan blood in their veins...
    Call it prima noctae.
    They do...but how do you pick which Crovan gets it? Could get bloody!

    Quote Originally Posted by Woody Man View Post
    Perhaps we'll see a slightly bizarre golden age under Harald?
    Harald the Sun (Tanned) King

    Quote Originally Posted by RGB View Post
    A Crovan father-son moment on a ship?

    I am seeing unpleasant flashbacks!

    Meanwhile, traitors, traitors everywhere! Execute them all by Gustavian firing squad. It's more efficient than a pike-and-shot execution team.
    Unless...Gustavus is in on the scheme!

    Quote Originally Posted by CatKnight View Post
    Like Stuyvesant says, Harald's intelligence and insight pretty much confirmed he's not a Crovan.

    Of course, if he marries whoever he loves (who I'll assume is also a non-Crovan), the conspirators might keep busy trying to kill him as well as Erik.

    I wonder how the rest of Europe feels about a 'suntanned' man as heir apparent to the most powerful nation on Earth.
    It should be interesting...will they demean him and get aggressive because of his skin or will they just be so happy to be rid of the Crovans that they treat him like gold?

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    Spectacles!

    These, these... satanic objects need to be destroyed at once!

    Maybe put the bearer on a burning pile of old flags...
    hmmm...I guess I'll keep them

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    Excellent update. In his intelligence, Harald strongly suggests he's not his father's boy, but that's hardly surprising.

    Erik sure has gone downhill fast since he became so smitten with his 'son'. It has not hurt the Empire yet, but that can't be far of (albeit probably not as far off as the assassination attempt against Erik. Of course, the moment that Erik decided to entrust his Empire to his fellow Crovans was really the moment you knew he'd totally lost it, so that assassination is poetic justice - sort of).

    Does the Empress (she of the Fetching Hats) have any role to play in the coming tragedy, or has she already taken her final bow?
    I was going to be done with her, but you liked her hat so much, I brought her back!

  9. #829
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    1665-1669: A lot happens in that first paragraph.

    Erik IV Dagmarsson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the Western Isles, King of the East and West Vikings, King of Germania and King of Vinland and the Skraelingias. Lord of Foppingtonia, Slavelandia and Zanzibar, High Admiral of Gibralter, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company and the Rightful King of All Poland.




    In Which Erik Gives Pony Rides
    (1 March 1665 – 06 April 1669)


    Time has passed. Against his father’s will, Harald has married Emma Brahe, a daughter of the Hated Brahe Clan and Kings of England. This double-strained their relationship, so much that Erik refused to meet his grandsons until today. Skofte is 5. Erik is 3. Harald has left them for a moment to let them get to know one another.





    “…so we’re agreed. We shall strike as soon as Gustavus is able to subvert the Generals of the II and III Cavalry Corps to our side. With them and the Baltic Battle Fleet on our side, the transition to Harald should be bloodless…well, you know. Except for the part where we kill Erik.”







    “We are agreed. And we shall also insist to Harald than when his older son Skofte comes of age, he shall be married to the family.” *cough* “My daughter, Caitilin is as pure blooded a Crovan as can be found. I am pure Pal-Crovan from Portugal and her mother is pure O’Crovan of the Erlend line. It will be a restoration of sorts once her blood mixes with the usurper’s line.”







    Grim was somewhat confused. “So wait, Erik won’t exactly be the first Emperor to be murdered…why all this bonus plotting? Couldn’t we just lurk in the outhouse like usual?”







    “Yeah, but this is a more…delicate situation since we are replacing him with an outsider. I mean, this whole ‘he’s a Crovan’ charade is going to fall apart pretty quickly. Incidentally, Hough, how did you get General Adolphus to go along?”







    “That was easy. I just pointed out to him that under Erik he would have died horribly. Under Harald, he was promoted and rewarded.”







    “So what day shall we kill the Emp….OH HI HARALD!”







    *whistles*







    “Um. Hi guys. What’s up? I didn’t know there was a meeting today.”







    “Oh, there isn’t…we were just all…um…”







    “OOhhh! Erlend! He’s the Assistant Laureate! We came to help him with his new poem!”







    “Great! I love poetry. Especially the Portuguese Double Limerick! Please share it with me Erlend!”







    Erlend glared at Grim, who shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. “Um. Yeah. Sure thing My Prince. Um.”

    *slaps his hand to his forehead*

    “Oh! Migraine! Have to rest!” Erlend ran from the room.







    “Um. Okay then. Maybe next time?”

    Harald regarded the remaining ministers, who both took sudden interest in the cleanliness of their nails. Harald frowned before slipping out of the room.



    Harald returned to the Imperial Apartments.





    “So mother, how is it going?”







    “Look,” she pointed across the room, two small children were riding on Erik’s back like ponies. “He is smitten. They take after you so much that he couldn’t help but to love them.”







    Harald sighed. “He still won’t meet Emma though. Just because she is a Brahe.” Harald’s face was sad. He did not want to do this, but there was no real choice.


    He steeled his nerves.

    “Father, what say you? Shall we go fishing?”







    Erik jumped up, tumbling the two lads to the ground. “Oh, wonderful! It will be like old times! So long Skofte, so long Erik! T’was nice to meet you!”







    “Goodbye Grandfather!”







    “Yes! It’was delightful to meet you! We must play more when you return!”








    Ah, the game is afoot! What shall become of Erik? Will he be brutally murdered in the toilet? Will he catch fish first? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  10. #830
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    Haha oh please kill him in the toilet! Bog murders are hilarious
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  11. #831
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    Will Eric shit gold in the end? Good question. The conspirators want to know.
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  12. #832
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    Kill him, now.

  13. #833
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    Ah, there's the hat again! Thank you (I'm easily pleased)!

    Erik's days are numbered - unless Harald's conspiracy and the conspiracy of the Crovans somehow collide and cause such a trainwreck as to cancel each other out. Given the number of Crovans involved, that seems a distinct possibility...

    I laughed when I saw Skofte's and Erik's pictures. I see now how Erik, Sr. became so smitten with them.

  14. #834
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    With all these schemes and plots running Erik will just fall out of his boat and drown...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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  15. #835
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    Quote Originally Posted by Woody Man View Post
    Haha oh please kill him in the toilet! Bog murders are hilarious
    Alas, Erik has a different fate

    Quote Originally Posted by RGB View Post
    Will Eric shit gold in the end? Good question. The conspirators want to know.
    and hoped!

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    Kill him, now.
    As you wish!

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    Ah, there's the hat again! Thank you (I'm easily pleased)!

    Erik's days are numbered - unless Harald's conspiracy and the conspiracy of the Crovans somehow collide and cause such a trainwreck as to cancel each other out. Given the number of Crovans involved, that seems a distinct possibility...

    I laughed when I saw Skofte's and Erik's pictures. I see now how Erik, Sr. became so smitten with them.
    How could he not? Such adorable little waifs!

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    With all these schemes and plots running Erik will just fall out of his boat and drown...
    You've been a long time reader.

  16. #836
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    1669: This One Is Kind Of Short

    Harald II “The Sun (Tanned) King” Eriksson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the Western Isles, King of the East and West Vikings, King of Germania and King of Vinland and the Skraelingias. Lord of Foppingtonia, Slavelandia and Zanzibar, High Admiral of Gibralter, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company and the Rightful King of All Poland.




    In Which Poems Are Recited
    (7 April 1669 – 12 April 1669)



    Erik and Harald went fishing. Harald intended to savor this last trip with his father, who so inexplicably loved a son who wasn’t his. Events conspired against him.









    And so, with a reasonable portion of the former Emperor recovered, we join his funeral, already in progress.




















































    Erik has passed and a new era has dawned for Crovania. What does the future hold for Harald? His sons? The rest of the Empire? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  17. #837
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    What? That's actually looked like real poetry!

    Some of the previous Crovan Emperors will turn in their respective graves!
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  18. #838
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    Well, that was certainly an embarrassing lack of Crovan style there, I think the people attending will have some doubts about Harald's paternity..
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  19. #839
    Well, I finally got through it all! From the days of Duke Gudrod on the Western Isles in CK [which I started reading a fortnight ago], all the way through to an Emperor of questionable parentage.

    Albert Packer, I seriously commend you on your abilities to continue writing this comedy piece for so many years. It was a fantastic read, and entertaining through & through.

    My favourite death by all means was the 'accidental defenstration' where Dagmar's agent was used as ammunition in one of the most bizzarely effective assassinations to ever grace the Empire. Actually, hm...then Bard IV the mentally damaged murdered Dagmar too.

    Wait, and Bard. The old Bard the courtier, the one who somehow lived for eighty years. He was also ridiculously incompetent and yet...killed so very many important people.

    I think if you get a dumb man named Bard, you unlock some hidden formula for a savant who's genius is in being a pure killing machine...like some kind of medieval humanoid typhoon.

    My god.

    It's the Crovan Code.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    What? That's actually looked like real poetry!
    Of with his head!
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