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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

  1. #301
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    Omg, losing more in the south!
    First Balkans, then Germania!
    Now you just control the north coast and some shitty cold place!!!

    Back to Sicily!!!
    Back to Konstantinople!
    Back to South!
    Quote Originally Posted by demokratickid View Post
    Ack! Must...return...to...warmer...climate...*dead*

    Well, at least they still own the island resort of Iceland

    (and the Canaries)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kodos666 View Post
    pure gold
    Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by phargle View Post
    That last king was a triumph. His passing is only good insofar as Asta gets to rock Hakon's casbah.
    I do quite agree. Erik was great, Hakon...eh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kommunaut View Post
    wow. epic. I wonder what asta has planned.
    We shall (very soon) see!

  2. #302
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Ok, Hakon sucks in a most Crovan Way... Good... I guess...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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  3. #303
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    I'm holding out that Asta rises to the throne and does a Queen Mary on that silly heretic bunch of silly gooses
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  4. #304
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1511-1513: Religious Reading is FUNdamentalist

    Hakon III Eriksson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Pontifix Maximus, The Shield of Olaf




    Aljoz Praha Writes A Book
    (8 February 1511 – 26 December 1513)




    A Clandestine meeting is taking place in Asta’s apartments







    “I have brought the play you commissioned, Princess. It is without a doubt my finest work, though, to meet the changes you wished for, I did have to make some careful editing to his life story.” Alojz passed a matching pair of leather bound books to Asta.







    “Excellent, excellent. So he no longer loses it in battle?”







    Alojz smiled, “Oh no mi’lady, certainly not. I’ve added a beautiful, and sexually available maidservant to the story. Now he does it to save his soul from impure thoughts.”







    Asta’s lips curled back in a thin smile as she caressed the leather book cover. “Brilliant Aljoz. Hiring you may have been the smartest thing father ever did.”







    “and my reward, mi’lady?” Aljoz raised his eyebrows as he regarded the still lithe and athletic body of the Spymistress.







    Asta threw back her head and laughed, full and loud. “Oh I think not, Aljoz, I think not. When a Princess has lain with the Devil himself, what possible thrills can a mortal provide?”







    Aljoz’s eyes went wide and he gestured towards the boy playing with blocks in a corner of the apartments. Asta’s mysterious smile revealed nothing, and though she was a notorious liar, the playwright surreptitiously crossed himself to ward off evil. Just in case. “Um, then what reward did you have in mind, My Princess?”







    “Simple, Playwright. I shall make you rich and famous. I am officially commissioning your play on King Gunnar to run at Viken Theatre from now until The New Year. I am also ordering a command performance before the Imperial Family for Easter Sunday and I am ordering copies of your play to be produced in lovely volumes like the ones you’ve presented me with, to be placed in every Church, University and Library in Crovania.”







    Aljoz bowed low, he was stunned. The Assistancy to the Posthumous Poet Laureate had never brought good luck before. “Thank you mi’lady, thank you.”

    Asta shook her head at the retreating back of the playwright. “No, my dear. Thank you.”



    Now back to Emperor Hakon III’s reverie, already in progress





    Olafism is a religion of peace. Perhaps my sin was in trying to force to many conversions with torture, fire and sword rather than with unfair taxes and government hiring policies.

    So, I have issued an Edict of Tolerance allowing all Heretics to go to Hell in the manner which they choose. And also, they pay more taxes. And can’t work in government posts.







    Bard and Njord have restructured the military into Cavalry and Infantry divisions. Njord graciously suggested I make Bard to be “Master of Infantry,” since there is more infantry, which reflects Bard’s seniority, so I did.

    Njord only gets to control the three Cavalry Divisions and the Imperial Marines.








    The tax plan pays off brilliantly as Fyn converts to Olafism.







    But it’s not perfect. The Mecklemburgers have instead chosen the Mistaken Christ as their Lord.








    “That will happen, father. Unfortunately, the only thing the Audunites are mistaken about is where their souls go after death, right brother?”







    “Indeed, dear brother, as Archbishop Skule always says: Just because you reject the Pope doesn’t mean you automatically get into Heaven. That’s what Olaf’s for!”









    “It is hoped that the Archbishop is better at saving souls than writing catchphrases.” Asta rose from her seat. “Well, Hakon, your boys are 17 today and, as men destined to rule, I have commissioned a special present for them.







    “Here is a carefully researched and 100% historically accurate portrayal of the Life of King Gunnar. I think you will find he played John the Baptist to Olaf’s Christ. I also suspect you will find many parallels to your own lives and I hope you will turn often to this book for literal interpretations of how God wants you to act.”

    Asta handed the books over.







    Hakon’s eyes filled with tears and he forced himself to choke back the emotion. “My sister, aunt to my boys. Olaf has clearly touched your life, turning you from the vile and promiscuous wanton woman who tried to steal my throne into a very giving and holy scion of our family and church. May Olaf shine upon your days and not visit you with his special stigmata until you return home to glory.”







    “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I have to go. In a remarkable coincidence, my spies discovered that the entire servant staff were all Catholics and secret Audunites. In accordance with your Edict, I have fired them all. Today, we are interviewing maidservants and chefs. Don’t worry dear brother, we shall make certain all are good Olafites.”

    Asta turned and strode slowly from the room, pausing to ruffle the hair of her nephews.






    “Do you see that boys? Olaf’s will be done.”







    “Hey wait a minute! I just thought of something. I command all the vile peasants and have charge of bows and pikes. Njord gets to command the elite Imperial Marines and the nobility who make up the cavalry. That bastard humbugged me!”









    With warfare eschewed for now (perhaps our monarchs have tired of being Bad Boys?), The Empire settles into a relaxing period of religious intolerance, pressured conversions and evil schemes by certain Spymistresses. In case you haven't guessed the plot yet, you will certainly find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  5. #305
    Black Hound of Han Enewald's Avatar
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    lol, brilliant as allways!

  6. #306
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Ah, so there is a plot??
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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  7. #307
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Asta has got to be my favorite villainess so far. Admirable. Simply admirable. The firing of the servants and the ruffling of the nephews (ahem) was a nice closing touch.

  8. #308
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Onward with Olafism! No one can stop it!
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  9. #309
    The Guy of Rome RomanGuy's Avatar
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    I seriously doubt what Asta is planning has brought and will bring luck to The Assistancy to the Posthumous Poet Laureate!
    "Veni, vidi, vici"
    "I came, I saw, I conquered"
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    I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic.

  10. #310
    Second Lieutenant Kommunaut's Avatar
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    wow. Asta is one clever... I don't think I should finish that statement.
    Great update as usual!

  11. #311
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    lol, brilliant as allways!
    Heh. Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    Ah, so there is a plot??
    Well, Asta has a plot. I plan to just keep randoming throwing stuff together.

    Quote Originally Posted by phargle View Post
    Asta has got to be my favorite villainess so far. Admirable. Simply admirable. The firing of the servants and the ruffling of the nephews (ahem) was a nice closing touch.
    Thanks! Asta has been great fun to write for.

    Quote Originally Posted by demokratickid View Post
    Onward with Olafism! No one can stop it!
    Indeed, all kneel before the drunken lord

    Quote Originally Posted by RomanGuy View Post
    I seriously doubt what Asta is planning has brought and will bring luck to The Assistancy to the Posthumous Poet Laureate!
    quite true.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kommunaut View Post
    wow. Asta is one clever... I don't think I should finish that statement.
    Great update as usual!
    Thanks and yeah, she is

    And while the forum was down for maintanence, I had time to write two updates! Happy days for you guys!

  12. #312
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1513-1514: They pay more than Hooters

    Hakon III Eriksson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Pontifix Maximus, The Shield of Olaf




    In Which New Maidservants Are Hired
    (26 December 1513 – 1 September 1514)




    In Asta’s apartments, two more applicants are trying on the new palace maidservant uniforms







    “So, Princess Asta, do we get the jobs?”







    “You’re damn right you get the jobs. Wendy, you will be assigned to Crown Prince Gunnar’s chambers. Helga, you will work in Prince Hakon’s rooms. Keep them neat and tidy, and never forget to dust the lower shelves…often.”







    The two girls blushed and tittered, “thank you Mistress, we won’t disappoint you.”







    A lean, dark, dangerous looking man slipped into Asta’s rooms. He slid behind the Princess, who did not seem to notice him as she watched two more applicants struggling into the maidservants uniforms. He hissed his words. “It would seem there are many benefits to being on the Imperial Staff.”







    The corners of Asta’s mouth turned up in a smile. The rascal had tried to startle her, but she’d been following his progress from the moment the door opened. “Aslak Bolt. The Mercenary General of Bolt’s Company.”

    “My father had much use of you in his wars. He made you quite rich, I would imagine.”







    “Indeed he did, Princess, rich enough to buy my own Kingdom, if I wanted one. Still, things have been quiet in Scandinavia since your brother’s nose was bloodied by the Bohemians, but you Crovans never stay quiet long. Who is the target? Denmark? Mecklenberg in Brittany? Maybe another go at Bohemia?”

    “I assume you need me to raise new regiments, which won’t be a problem. I can have up to 12,000 men under arms within…”







    “I’m going to stop you there Aslak. There is no campaigning afoot. At least, no military campaigning. And my spies have appraised me of your true financial situation. You lost your entire fortune investing in Christopher Columbus’ plan to sail to India.”







    Aslak’s face turned red behind his beard. Angrily he sputtered, “look, it made sense at the time. The Earth is round, we are at the far north and India is in the south. Based on his calculations of the size of the planet, it should have only taken a few weeks sailing north and presto, the spice trade would be ours. I don’t know why none of us thought about how he’d get around the ice sheet, I guess we were all just too excited at the prospect”







    “Now now Aslak, no need to get angry. I’m offering you financial rewards that are guaranteed this time, and a few serving maids of your own. My brother wants to reorganize the army. The problem is that the two men in charge are always at each others throats and nothing gets done. You are an expert strategist and tactician, you have a sterling reputation and you can get things accomplished.”

    “I want you to be Hakon’s greatest assistant. Make all his dreams come true. Make him your friend and confidant. Once that happens, I will have a real mission for you, mercenary.”







    Aslak nodded. Then he bowed low. “I will accept this offer, Princess Asta, and I will not forget who I really work for.” The old Mercenary General had dealt with Hakon during the Bohemian War. Whatever plots Asta was assembling, he had no doubt the ruthless Spymistress would have the upper hand on her brother.

    Like a good mercenary, Aslak planned to fight for the winning side.



    Later on, in Hakon’s throne room





    “My dear sister, I have exciting news! Gunnar is to be married! The Lutheran Prince of Hanover and I have arranged a marriage between my boy and his daughter. Of course, the girl will convert to Olafism immediately, but this will certainly strengthen the Protestant League!”







    Asta smiled broadly, “indeed brother, this is very exciting news. Soon, you will have little grandchildren, new heirs running about the palace. I shall make sure to stop by the twin’s apartments and offer my congratulations.”







    Hakon had been reveling in his new, improved relationship with his sister. Now his heir was to be married. Truly, everything was coming up Crovan, but there was one concern. “Asta, before you go, three quick things.”








    Asta curtsied low. “Of course, my brother, how can I assist you?”







    “Well, first off, thank you for hiring Aslak. He’s been a real boon to me. The soldiers’ morale is up, never been higher in fact,”







    “and he’s helped me keep the standing army in line with our manpower resources and budget. I mean, he’s right. If we need to get back to 100,000 men for a war, we can always bring in mercenaries!”







    “Of course, but you are stalling Hakon. What is it you really want to say?”







    Hakon blushed. He was rather uncomfortable with this topic. “Well, it’s the new maidservants.” Hakon scratched his lower lip nervously, wondering how to proceed.







    Asta’s face took on a look of total innocence. “What about them, dear brother? Are they not performing their duties appropriately? Let me know who has disappointed you and I shall dismiss them at once!”






    “No! No! They are all delightful girls, very nice and all. It’s just their uniforms. Do they have to be so…revealing?” Hakon’s face was red.







    Asta smiled indulgently. “Dear brother. Of course they do. Why, protecting your safety is my principle job as Spymistress. These new uniforms are perfect for women with access to yours and the princes’ private chambers, I mean, there isn’t a spot to hide a weapon anywhere in those outfits.”

    To Hakon’s shrugged agreement, Asta quickly replied, “excellent. So the uniforms stay. And as to your third request, dear brother, you don’t even have to ask. I shall personally escort Gunnar’s bride here safely. Now give me leave to speak to the boys and I shall head for Germany tonight.”









    So Hakon had no clever schemes. This should surprise no one. Asta’s scheme continues to unfold. Find out what happens next on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  13. #313
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1514-1515: Such dirty little minds

    Hakon III Eriksson Crovan

    Emperor of the Crovan Empire, Pontifix Maximus, The Shield of Olaf




    In Which The Lads Are Tempted
    (1 September 1514 – 20 April 1515)










    Gunnar looked pensive, “I know brother, but these impure thoughts just won’t go away. I keep sinning against Olaf in my heart.”







    “My loins are on fire too. I wish I could talk to the Archbishop about this, but it’s just too embarrassing.” Hakon looked frazzled and exhausted. The young men had been speaking in whispers, not wishing to offend the maidservants.







    “Okay, gentlemen, we have finished dusting the baseboards.”

    “Tee-hee, it was sure hard having to stand and bend over the whole time, but these stone floors are so, so very cold on my delicate backside.”

    “Shall we stretch up and dust the chandeliers a while?”







    “No!” the word exploded from inside Gunnar. He was trembling.







    “Please, please leave us a moment.” Hakon’s eyes were tearing up. “We have much to discuss and need privacy.” He stumbled through the words, but buried his face in a pillow as the two maidservants curtsied quite low before exiting.







    Gunnar stretched out on the floor, a pillow over his face. “Ooohhhhh, God, oh Olaf, how do we resist this sinful temptation!”







    The door opened and in strode their Aunt. “Good morning boys. I have just spoken with your maidservants and they said you were both acting quite rude this morning, and that you even chased them from your chambers. You know that means they will not get a lunch break this afternoon as they will have to return and clean your chambers then. Now, is that anyway for a good Olafite to treat commoners? You’ve seen their lithe, slender bodies. You know perfectly well they don’t need to be skipping any meals.”







    While Gunnar’s legs continued to involuntarily twitch, he sat up. His auntie was right, of course. “Sorry Aunt Asta. We just…well,”







    “We just needed to be alone a moment, that’s all,” Hakon interrupted earnestly.







    Asta lounged in a chair. “Boys, boys, boys. You are 19 years old now. Gunnar, you are about to be married. You weren’t having childish, impure thoughts about those maids were you? Because,” Asta smiled a predatory smile, “Olaf would certainly not approve such behavior.”







    Hakon’s face turned beet red. “Well, no, not what, I mean.” He stammered.







    “We were, we were,” Gunnar sobbed, “Oh aunt Asta, what are we to do?”







    “My boys, why you should stop having such impure thoughts. Think. What Would Olaf Do?








    Hakon’s voice was breaking, “that doesn’t help. Olaf would have gotten drunk and slept with the maids, the butlers and even the chickens. He came to take on our sins in a more literal fashion, after all.”







    “Remember auntie? His motto was ‘Don’t do as I do, or you’ll go to Hell,’ so we can’t look to Olaf.” Gunnar buried his face in his hands. “Could we just give them different clothes to wear? Like sack-cloths or something?”







    Asta drew up her mouth in a faux-pout. “Sounds to me like two little men want to take the easy way out. No my boys, I will not change their uniforms because it is clear to me that you both are being tested by God and I won’t be party to you failing that test.”







    “You, you think we are being tested?” Gunnar was intrigued, he hadn’t thought of this possibility.







    “Well of course. I mean, do you think Olaf put you here just so you could rule Crovania? No! He put you here to serve Him, as he always has. Crovania will go on no matter what happens to us, but what really makes our family special is God’s special love for the Crovans.”







    “I thought Olaf wanted us to relieve the suffering of the peasants.”






    Asta plucked a book off of the table and leafed through it while she talked. “Why you can do that too, Hakon. Remember, both of you, the greatest Crovans were not the conquering heroes, no, they were Saint Aslak, consigned to a swamp, Ossor who ended Heretic Yngling rule in Norway, Saint Audun, who while not the Christ Mistaken, was still a prophet of Olaf and was murdered for his convictions, Olaf Christ, of course, and many others who were tested by God and found pure of heart. Such as King Gunnar, who, if I am not mistaken, was tested just as you boys are being tested.”







    Asta dog-eared a page and then tossed the book onto the bed by Hakon. “Perhaps this will give you some inspiration to carry you through your test.”

    Asta then rose and walked to the door. “Now, I must go gentle nephews. Stay strong for Olaf’s sake. And, of course, the sake of your eternal souls.” She then disappeared down the hall, humming to herself while the brothers opened the book to a dog-eared page.









    Hoo-boy, can this be drug out any longer? What is going to happen to the lads? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

  14. #314
    academic outlaw Moderator safferli's Avatar
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    What would Olaf do? A classic! And the reply is even better:
    Hakon’s voice was breaking, “that doesn’t help. Olaf would have gotten drunk and slept with the maids, the butlers and even the chickens. He came to take on our sins in a more literal fashion, after all.”
    That sounds like a saint who knows his way around town!
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    Ireland's Teardrop -- EU3 DW Munster/Ireland AAR. Follow the story of Munster, taking over the entire North American continent!
    Rule Helvetia! Helvetia Rule the Waves... -- Victoria 2 beta AAR. Watch Switzerland defeat the British Royal Navy... or die trying!
    What if the Pope had 200,000 men? -- A Papal States EU3 1.3 aar (abandoned/finished after owning 70% of the world)

  15. #315
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Ok, I propose w refocus this AAR to maidservants only...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

    Ubisoft EUII 1.09 ~ Strategy First Victoria 1.04 ~ Paradox CK Deus Vult ~ Paradox HoI2 Doomsday ~ Paradox EUIII Complete ~ Paradox EU: Rome Gold

    Currently being a loser in Hattrick as FC MMDS (316966) as you could read here .

  16. #316
    academic outlaw Moderator safferli's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    Ok, I propose w refocus this AAR to maidservants only...
    Yes! We demand more pictures of the maidservants dusting stuff! Eh... out of pure theoretical interest, of course...
    When I speak in regal, manly grey I do so as a moderator.
    Never publicly comment or answer to a moderation post. Please write a PM (see Rule #2 of the Forum Rules).

    --
    How to give a proper man-to-man hug

    Ireland's Teardrop -- EU3 DW Munster/Ireland AAR. Follow the story of Munster, taking over the entire North American continent!
    Rule Helvetia! Helvetia Rule the Waves... -- Victoria 2 beta AAR. Watch Switzerland defeat the British Royal Navy... or die trying!
    What if the Pope had 200,000 men? -- A Papal States EU3 1.3 aar (abandoned/finished after owning 70% of the world)

  17. #317
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Hah, Asta's snap "You're damn right you get the jobs" was worthy of her father, you pandering writer, you.

  18. #318
    Second Lieutenant Kommunaut's Avatar
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    Victoria II: A House Divided

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    "don't do as I do, or you go to hell"
    This just keeps getting better and better, like some kind of perpetual humor machine.

  19. #319
    You are one update machine, Packer! And you deliver quality. Especially Bard's belated realization that he was had had me laughing out loud.

    So - Asta is trying to get her nephews to join holy orders? Or what?

  20. #320
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alfred Packer View Post
    Indeed, all kneel before the drunken lord!
    Well, not for too long, lest his stomach decide to become un-drunken...
    Current AAR: Das Vereinigte Königreich von Mitteleuropa - Last Updated: October 19, 2011
    My illustrious Inkwell is right here for your enjoyment!
    AWARDED: Irish Shamrock Cookie by King_Richard_XI
    I'VE BEEN CANONIZED

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