The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much

[Stuyvesant]

53 is quite a good amount of stabbings. I must give her credit for that.

Yes, quick work given the short amount of time she had available. But then, Dagmar's always had a can-do attitude.

By the way, what is that picture originally of?

[Jebus]

We don't pay you money, we don't barter goods or services for your writing, so it's really hard to see how we have anything to complain about. At least, that's how I see things.

Then who is that guy claiming to be Albert Packer I've been paying daily?

[Snugglie]

What the... it's alive? It's alive! I'd almost given up hope, but only almost. Great to see the forum's finest moving yet again.

Regarding the update, what can one say. Sucks to be Torsson.

[kfijatass]

And thus the people rejoiced!

Check out my Swiss PicturAAR sometime ^^

[BwenGun]

Just finished reading through all this, and the CK AAR as well, and I just wanted to say what a fantastic and side-splittingly funny story you have put together! Truly the Crovans are as crazy a bunch of homicidal maniacs as have ever graced the world in which they live, and which we can be thankful never prospered in our own world's history. Though I suppose they would have made history a lot more colourful. Just a shame the colour would inevitably be red, and then later black after the blood had dried.

[Alfred Packer]

Okay - Before I jump to feedback: I need help!!!
I've been trying to convert to Vicky for months now, to no avail. I can't get anything worthwile to happen. Can someone who has gotten the EU2 to Rev converter to work PM an email address to me and convert the save for me? That would be really, really awesome.

If not: is there a graphical scenario editor for Vicky like there is for EUIII? Other wise...um. This game ends in 1835.

-----------------------------------------

Nice update, good to have them back.

Thanks!

Hahahahaha... the irony indeed...

Glad to have them Crovans back...

Glad to be back

Lord Torrson hanged for regicide?

Ah...erk.

That's what I call backfired!

Yeah it is

I must admit that I was a little apprehensive when I saw a new update after the hiatus. I worried: "Does Alfred Packer still have it after these months?"

Of course, when I was laughing so hard that I couldn't even breathe, I knew my worries were groundless. Even the repeated "Hello Peder"s were funny, when combined with that gormless CK portrait.

The Empress Anastasia's 'suicide' was the icing on the cake, Peder's execution
the cherry on the icing. That just leaves Bard - and in a battle between the cynical, subtle machinations of Dagmar and the utmost idiocy of Bard... I suddenly feel some concern for Dagmar's longevity. Well, I would, if she weren't such a nasty person.

Oh yeah, nice poetic justice to see Peder get a taste of his own medicine, even if the defenestration in question wasn't fatal.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. And yeah, I worried about the Hello Peders, but decided they worked well enough.

I wish more people had the courage to commit suicide, with 57 stab wounds to the face, neck and back, because a man was hurled at their man to death.

I know. We live in an age of cowards.

Damn you for beating me to updating again!
*Shakes fist of rage*

But it's good to be reading this again!

Haha...I am (almost) unstoppable!

53 is quite a good amount of stabbings. I must give her credit for that.

Thanks!

Yes, quick work given the short amount of time she had available. But then, Dagmar's always had a can-do attitude.

By the way, what is that picture originally of?

I don't know. I googled 'Defenestrate' in hopes of finding a nice picture, and I did. It's by Adolf Liebscher, a late 19th C / early 20th C Czech painter. I couldn't find anything else about it.

What the... it's alive? It's alive! I'd almost given up hope, but only almost. Great to see the forum's finest moving yet again.

Regarding the update, what can one say. Sucks to be Torsson.

Indeed it does, and thanks

And thus the people rejoiced!

Check out my Swiss PicturAAR sometime ^^

I will as soon as I get the chance!

Just finished reading through all this, and the CK AAR as well, and I just wanted to say what a fantastic and side-splittingly funny story you have put together! Truly the Crovans are as crazy a bunch of homicidal maniacs as have ever graced the world in which they live, and which we can be thankful never prospered in our own world's history. Though I suppose they would have made history a lot more colourful. Just a shame the colour would inevitably be red, and then later black after the blood had dried.

Wow, that's awesome. I'm glad you've read through it and I'm even gladder you liked it. Welcome aboard and thanks for the kind words!


---------

and now, for something completely different...

[Alfred Packer]

Dagmar Eriksdottir Crovan

Empress of the Crovan Empire, Queen of the East and West Vikings and of the North and South Skraelings, Lady of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful Queen of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.



Of Bard And Men
(7 July 1634 – 1 November 1635)



Saturday mornings throughout the 1980’s, the cartoons were followed by a beloved twosome known as Crovania’s Critics: Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. In 1988, the beloved John Steinbeck classics Of Mice and Men, The Grapes of Wrath and East of Eden were re-released in the theatres.




“Hi, I’m Gene and this is my pal Roger.”

“Today, we’ll be looking at the first and most beloved of John Steinbeck’s famed historical fiction movies, ‘Of Mice and Men.’”

“Not just historical fiction, Roger, but also science fiction!”

“True, Steinbeck was the greatest sci-fi author since H.G. Wells.”

“It was such a shame about him going crazy and starting his own religion.”

“Yeah, mitichlorians?” *snork* “What kind of an idiot would come up with that nonsense?”

“But anyway, we’ll review Steinbeck’s first and finest work: Of Mice and Men. He took some liberties with the facts, but his blending of History and Sci-Fi is without peer.”

“Let’s roll the clips.”







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qz0jEKV2CY
<Click the Above Link to Enhance your reading experience>






Cut to a table at a seedy Space-Cantina





“The Millenium Falcon is the Fastest Carrack Afloat. She made the Darmstadt Run in less than 20 parsecs.”







…

“What the Hell is a ‘parsec?’”






Kennett looks annoyed. “I don’t know, that’s just what the guy I bought her from said.”



Cut to the Control Bridge of a massive Space-Battlestation




Alf lowers his lightsaber and closes his eyes.

“Go ahead, Dagmar, kill me and I shall become
More powerful than you can ever imagine.”







“Oh really Poet? I think the Space-Rack would disagree
About how powerful a broken corpse can become.”






Alf bowed his head, cowed. “I’ll be good.”



Cut to a desert planet





“Come now Erik, haven’t you ever dreamed of adventure?”







“Gee, I don’t know. Bagging swamp-rats in my Space-Gocart is all the excitement I need.”







“Come now Erik. The Empire needs you.”
Alf gestures towards a hologram of the Empress.

“She needs you…to kill her.”



Cut to Cloud City





“Aw jeez, Space-Carbonite? I said I was sorry.”



Cut to the Bridge of a planet-sized Space-Battleship




“Hokey religions and those improbable light-based melee weapons are no substitute for a Space-Battleship of this magnitude. The Death-Crovan is indestructible.”







“Watch it Einer. That ‘Hokey Religion’ you mock is more powerful than you imagine.
The blood of Olaf may flow in my veins, but cross me again and the blood of Einer will flow on the floor.”


Cut to some sort of cliff over the ventilation system of Space-Cloud City





“Erik, I did not Kill your mother…I AM your mother.”







“You know, given our relative ages, that seems highly improbable.”


Cut to an early 20th Century Barn





“I will love Dagmar and kiss Dagmar and call her George
And hug her and hug her and pet her and hug her
And kiss her and pet her and love her and hug her
And…Dagmar? Why is your head all floppy?”








“…”


"..."

“Wow. I remember that being so much better the first time I saw it.”

“Well Gene, that’s because you spent the seventies coked to the gills.”

“Haha. And you spent them in a meatball induced daze you little butter-ball.”

“I hope you get cancer Gene.”

"Likewise, I'm sure."

And so, in the worst parody ever, Dagmar is laid to rest. Who seizes the reigns? What the heck actually happened here? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

[Stuyvesant]

Aww... Dagmar never really got her chance to shine, Shine, SHINE! I feel vindicated that the idiot brother Bard (nice picture, by the way) did overcome poor Dagmar, but I also feel kinda sad that Dag's no longer with us.

As far as the parody of Star Wars goes... The jury's still out whether it's truly inspired or just beyond belief. I was entertained, regardless.

So, is it Bard for President (of the Sino Trade Company), or will Erik get to try his hand at this Crovan ruling business?

PS: I hope you can sort out your EU-to-Vicky conversion. It's only been a few years, I don't feel ready yet to let go of the Crovans...

[Murmurandus]

It has Harrison Ford in it, it's bound to be good...

Oh, and the headset of Dagmar is still funny...

[Stuyvesant]

It has Harrison Ford in it, it's bound to be good...

Oh, and the headset of Dagmar is still funny...

Oh, I don't know, much as it pains me to say it, Harrison has been in a few turkeys... 'Six Days, Seven Nights', anyone?

Anyway, clearly this was a movie masterpiece. It has the "Bah-Chicka-Wah-Wah" guitar stuff in it, after all (Who remembers the plot of 'Shaft'? And who remembers 'Theme From Shaft'? Point made)!

I liked the cowing of Alf and the following:

“Watch it Einer. That ‘Hokey Religion’ you mock is more powerful than you imagine.
The blood of Olaf may flow in my veins, but cross me again and the blood of Einer will flow on the floor.”

Is a lovely Dagmar-esque take on a well-known classic.

Only two responses so far?!? Blasphemy!

[RGB]

Heh.

Poor Dagmar, didn't get her well-earned world domination for long.

"Erik, I'm your mother, don't you know that this is truuueee...."

[Enewald]

Erik accidentally Dagmar with a light-sabre?
But space-carbonite?

[Alfred Packer]

Aww... Dagmar never really got her chance to shine, Shine, SHINE! I feel vindicated that the idiot brother Bard (nice picture, by the way) did overcome poor Dagmar, but I also feel kinda sad that Dag's no longer with us.

As far as the parody of Star Wars goes... The jury's still out whether it's truly inspired or just beyond belief. I was entertained, regardless.

So, is it Bard for President (of the Sino Trade Company), or will Erik get to try his hand at this Crovan ruling business?

PS: I hope you can sort out your EU-to-Vicky conversion. It's only been a few years, I don't feel ready yet to let go of the Crovans...

I'm working on it. It's slow going, manual labor (esp. since I don't know what I'm doing) and has about even chances of creating a scenario that crashes itself to death, but, by then Vicky2 should be out. Surely someone will make a finished converter for that!

It has Harrison Ford in it, it's bound to be good...

Oh, and the headset of Dagmar is still funny...

Heh. Thanks.

Oh, I don't know, much as it pains me to say it, Harrison has been in a few turkeys... 'Six Days, Seven Nights', anyone?

Anyway, clearly this was a movie masterpiece. It has the "Bah-Chicka-Wah-Wah" guitar stuff in it, after all (Who remembers the plot of 'Shaft'? And who remembers 'Theme From Shaft'? Point made)!

I liked the cowing of Alf and the following:

Is a lovely Dagmar-esque take on a well-known classic.

Only two responses so far?!? Blasphemy!

Bad responses usually mean weak update. Of course, it also means author quit for half a year. So I can't fault it either way.

Heh.

Poor Dagmar, didn't get her well-earned world domination for long.

"Erik, I'm your mother, don't you know that this is truuueee...."

Yeah, she really didn't. But, really, her reign was sooo short, it couldn't be anything but a disappointment relative to her rise. Hence the quick cop-out parody.

Erik accidentally Dagmar with a light-sabre?
But space-carbonite?

It's made by a Space-Carbon, Inc, a subsidiary of Spacely Sprockets, LLC.

[Alfred Packer]

Bard IV “Mongo” Eriksson Crovan

Emperor of the Crovan Empire, King of the East and West Vikings and of the North and South Skraelings, Lord of Sino, Pontifix Maximus, Rightful King of All Poland and of the Germans, Life-President of the Sino Trade Company.



In Which Kennet Has An Unpleasant Job To Do
(1 November 1635 – 20 June 1639)



We look into the venerable Imperial Council Chambers. While the throne sits empty, the assembled Lords are talking quietly.




“As Imperial Chancellor, I still reserve the right to chair these meetings, even if Bard never made it official. It is simply one of the roles of the Chancellor!”







“Kennet, darling, I know you used to chair these silly things,” Erik waved his arm with a flourish, “but since I am now Lord of the North and Heir Apparent to the Empire, I think you can go back to modeling those darling little hats of yours.”







Kennet sat down irritably. He hated pissing contests with Erik. Especially because he always lost them.

“The hat, My Lord, is a foreign policy initiative. I’ve told you already that I only wear it as a sign of the poor oppressed Polish people who suffer unfairly under Russian Rule and away from our protection.”







Erik tittered. “Of course, darling, because we’d treat them sooo much nicer.”







“Haha! Great sarcasm Sir!” Einer was new, but not so new that he didn’t know who to ingratiate himself with.






“Yes, yes, I am the life of the conference room.”

He cast a critical look at Kennet and rolled his eyes before whispering, loud enough to be heard, “not that that’s saying much.”






“If it please Your Lordship, I’ve got a report on the growth of Skraelingia.”







“Oh! Splendid! Do go on.” Erik cupped one hand to his cheek and mouthed the words “love the hat.”







“Um. Right. Thanks, Sir.

Anyway, it had been a pretty boring Christmas, so me a few thousand Cavalry decided to find a land route from Peninsular Skraelingia to Cumana.”







“Which we did, adding a new colony along the way, and keeping the whole thing under budget through the highly successful “Employee Attrition Program.”







“Well now that is just fabulous Vice-Roy. The best part is that you are here.

I’m going to need to you sit down and go over the whole organization of Vinland and Skraelingia. I want it reorganized in the most perfect way possible.”







Amundsen blushed. This was a major responsibility. “Your, your Lordship! What an honor. I assure you I shall approach this in as careful and…”






“Uh-huh. Super. Just make sure its done by Thursday.”

Erik then clapped his hands over his mouth, opening them slightly,

“Can’t tell you why…ssshhhhh…big surprise!”







“Your Lordship, if you’re reorganizing portions of…”







Erik pressed a single finger against his puckered lips until Kennet quieted down.

“Now then, Einer Egilsson, do the same thing for our European Lands. That should be easier since not much has changed there.”

“And Kennet…hummm. You can do Africa, India and Sino. But no mucking with the Sino Trade Company. They bring in the ducats.”







“But sire!...”







“Oh! And Alf? I’ll need your most splendid Epic Poem about…No! Two Epic Poems! One about St. Olaf and one about the Glory of Crovania.”








“Buh…By Thursday?”

Just then, the door to the conference room crashed open and there, standing before the assembled lords was Emperor Bard IV.

As usual, he wasn’t wearing pants.

Kennet Groaned.







“Unky Kennet? I finished Making Dooty. You can clean my bottom now!”

Well, we didn’t find out. But we did meet Dagmar’s little tot. How lucky for us! What’s the big secret? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World Is Way Too Much!

[RGB]

Wiping Dooty or extolling Crovania's glory in verse. Hard to say which is more unpleasant.

[slokiller]

Wiping Dooty keeps you alive in Corvania.

Poets have a nasty habit of dieing much to often.

Can't wait till thursday, wonder what the surprise is?

[Stuyvesant]

You'd think that by now the poop jokes would be growing old... They aren't. Poor Kennet...

Incidentally, I work for a company that provides EAP - Employee Assistance Program - benefits. I think I like your explanation better.

I think I'm going to find little agreeable about Erik, but I must agree with his assessment of the hats. You've outdone yourself with the sheer concentrated horror of hattery in this update.

Looking forward to the big surprise... Does Thursday in Crovania translate into Thursday for us?

[Murmurandus]

Wiping Dooty or extolling Crovania's glory in verse. Hard to say which is more unpleasant.

A Glorious Poop Poem?

[Enewald]

Could someone explain me how the Empress died?

[Duke of Wellington]

I rather like this Erik, he seems like quite the man to run the empire while Bard sees over his royal duties.