Uniting Russia, (another) Kaiserreich AAR

4th Dimension said:

You mean that was actually a gay-bomb. He gave them a wrong parcel?

Click to expand...

youll find out...in the next chapter
@executer-welcome aboard the "i pissed my pants and rofled and cleaned the floor reading this AAR" express

Chapter 15: Desperate Measures

Prime minister Kolchak's office. People who are present are Kolchak, Wrangel, Vlassov and dr. Kreuzer

-YOU IDIOTS!!! THANKS TO YOU DENIKIN RAISED SUPPORT!!! NOW HE HAS THE LIBERALS, MENSHEVIK's AND BOLSHEVIK's
-This woudnt have happened if dr. Frankenstein hadnt screwed up, said Wrangel
-NEIN NEIN NEIN!!!, yelled dr. Kreuzer
-Listen to me, said Wrangel, your neurotoxin made them hornier than 13-year old boyscouts who sneak out at night to spy the girl scouts, said Wrangel
-How did you make that assumption, oh great one?, said Vlassov
-NOT IMPORTANT VLASSOV, SHUT UP!!!, said Wrangel
-Well...zhere iz a small possible chance it could have happened that i mixed up something...
-Small chance? WE FAILED!!!
-Well... i dont exclude adding a few ingredients here and there...neurotoxins are a fairly new technology
-I DONT CARE ABOUT THIS, yelled Kolchak, listen you need to break this however you know and can Wrangel or were both screwed. You must get close to Bukharin and change his oppinion about the Menshevik's

At the game CSKA-Spartak Moscow

-Damn i hate sitting on the bench...why cant i play for christs sake, said Wrangel, its boring here. WATERBOY!!!
-Water, sir?, said Vlassov the waterboy
-What took you?
-Bad pitch i suppose. Certainly a reason why we are losing
-Blah. Where is Bukharin anyways?
-He is on the pitch
-Ooooh...so he is the fat moron who missed 2 easy goals. Hmm...no suprise
-WRANGEL!, yelled Tuchaevsky the coach, GET IN THERE AND SAVE THIS GAME
-Yaaay im playing

Wrangel enters the game and takes his position on the left flank. A counterattack begins and Wrangel moves forward

-ZHUKOV, ZHUKOV I AM OPEN I AM OPEN!!!

Zhukov passes to Mj. Gen. Konev

-NEW GUY NEW GUY I AM OPEN I AM OPEN

Konev crosses but misses and the ball goes out

-Oh my god, whats your name son
-Konev
-Damn you suck. I can tell already that your military carrier will be unsuccesfull. Now get back to playing

Wrangel then spots Bukharin lying near him

-You OK Bukharin?
-Yea im just...you know...that football tactic and position...you know what I am doing...
-Being useless
-No, i am an important link to the team
-You mean by just lying in front of the goal and waiting for the ball
-Its called strategy
-Its called being useless
-Whatever. You dont appreaciate the true form of football
-Football is supposed to be a fast game
-Fast? This game? Please! Only Spanish and Dutch would play "fast" and they are nowhere to be found, you know i can bet that not even in 60 years football will be played fast. Trust me
-Whatever...i see the Menshevik's are your new best friends
-Oh yea...and that guy, Irakilj, he knows how to please the people
-Yea, can you please not talk about that, my mind is corrupted with disgusting images already too much in these past 2 years
-Hah...
-But i need to tell you...the Menshevik's are calling you guys lazy good for nothings
-Lies
-And they say your policies will ruin Russia
-Lies
-And Irakilj says you are just a stupid idiot who is good only to be used for something
-Again, lies
-And he called your momma so fat, that when she goes to the cinema, she sits next to eveeeryoneee
-Li...HE SAID WHAT??? OOOOH I AM GOING TO GET HIM!!! Thanks for telling me this Wrangel, i owe you
-Any time old pal...any time

Again, a new attack for CSKA, Wrangel sees this and moves forward

-IM OPEN, I AM OPEN!!!

Zhukov crosses the ball, Wrangel finds himself in a perfect position, makes a header and scores the goal

-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! LOOK AT ME, IM THE MAN!!!

Chapter 16: A new beggining

Kremlin. The Tsars room. Several military policemen, prime minister Kolchak, general Anton Denikin and general Andrei Vlassov and fieldmarshal Peter Wrangel. On the bed lay the Tsar Kyril I Romanov, who had died hours suddenly and suprisingly

-Something is wrong here Wrangel, said Kolchak
-What? The guy died from old age!, answered Wrangel
-No, its not that...something is wrong here...i mean the Tsar was in good health then all of a sudden he dies. Plus he had also been robbed. Several items are missing from his room
-So, do you suppose he has been murdered?
-I have no idea...all i know he was perfecty healthy, then suddenly he orders his guards to leave the Kremlin and left only a few guarding the entrances and whats even more interesting the order came from his best personal bodyguard, Misha Pavlov. It wierd Wrangel. I want you to investigate
-Why me? I have to do everything around here!!! The sooner you know, ill be making coffee and tea and do basic janitorial services
-Oh shut up Wrangel, this is a direct order. Besides, the police deparment is lacking Sherlock Holmses at the moment and i am the only one who belives you
-Really
-Actually no. I could place you under arrest now but hey i have to lie sometime in this AAR dont I?
-Well...
-Get to it Wrangel

Kolchak leaves the room

-Denikin
-Yes Wrangel
-Woudnt you happen to know anything about this
-No...but I can say this is a dreadful day for Russia...and of course young Vladimir Romanov will be named heir...and now if you will excuse me i have some matter to attend to

Denikin leaves the room

-Wierd Vlassov, very wierd
-Should we arrest him?
-For what my dear Vlassov. We cant do a thing but i am certain in one thing-we have to keep Kolchak as prime minister and keep Denikin away from the young Tsar. Now Vlassov please search the room and see if we can find anything

Wrangel and Vlassov dismiss the military policemen and search the entire room

-You find anything Vlassov?
-I found his diary. Locked though
-Ok. See if you can open it. I am gonna talk to the bodyguard Misha

Downstairs

-Look, i didnt kill him, said the bodyguard
-Then why did you give the order for the other bodyguards to leave the Tsar alone
-It was his order
-Lies
-No really, he said he had some work to do. I did hear some screams and sounds...i could hear the Tsars...but i dared not enter. I knocked but i got a response...so i thought everything was OK
-Could anybody have entered the building
-Nope...but i heard Kremlin has some secret passages. We know a few but not all
-Well keep an eye on you

Later that day

-OK Vlassov, so what do we have. At 0100 hours the bodyguard gave the order for the guards to be dismissed. He said he could hear some screams at 0130h and that he knocked but he got an answear. The Tsar died from about 0200h to 0400h. The doctors say it was a heart attack but they already said the Tsar was healthy and that he had no heart problems. Anything else
-They found these pills, oh great one. No label
-Hmm...interesting. Why dont you try them Vlassov
-Me???Why me???
-Oh come on Vlassov, there is no other way. Youll be performing a service to Russia!!! What a honor!
-Yea, ill get honors at a funeral thats what ill get
-Its a direct order Vlassov

Vlassov sighs, says a prare and swallows a pill. Nothing happens

-You feel anything Vlassov
-Nope...i dont fell...ohhh
-What Vlassov, what...Vlassov you pervert could you stop thinking of women for at least a minute, this is important stuff here
-I am not thinking about women
-Then what...oh i know...i think i got it. Break into that diary now
-How?
-Find a way

Vlassov tried to pick the lock but unsuccesfull

-It wont open
-Give me that

Wrangel smashes the diary on the floor. It opens

-See? Now...

Wrangel checks the diary out and finds what he is looking for

-Yes i got it! Go and get Kolchak and Denikin to meet me at the Kremlin, tell them i figured this whole thing out
-Ok but...

Wrangel was already gone
In the Kremlin

-What is this all about Wrangel???, asks Kolchak, and what are you doing with that prostitue
-Gentlemen, says Wrangel, this is Tanya. She is a proffessional lady of the night and one of the best in her buisness
-So Wrangel, says Kolchak, are you planning an orgy
-If you dont mind, says Denikin, i have some other important things to worry about
-Nope, says Wrangel, Tanya is the reason of the Tsar's death
-So she is the murdered?, asks Kolchak
-No. Well, sort of. See, the Tsar got a recommendation for her, so he decided to have a go and relive his glory days. He was very exited, as i read in his diary. But he had a problem. He was old, so he got a help from these pills. And it worked. But as i said, he was an old man and his heart coudnt take it. Tanya panicked but robbed him and escaped thourgh a secret door only the Tsar knew about. Thats how she got in
-So basicly, Kolchak, the guy died from having proper sex in old age?
-Yep
-I wonder who is the moron who writes this stuff
-What a stupid way to die, said Denikin
-Id like to die that way, said Vlassov
-But you wont Vlassov, answers Denikin
-So, what now, asked Kolchak
-Nothing, answers Wrangel. The Tsar died from old age. We must prepare for the cooronation of a new tsar!

==End of book 2==

Interlude 2

The reign of the tsar Kyril I Romanov was short lasted but during the years of 1937, 1938 and the beggining of 1939 were great times for Russia. The state has been fully reorganized, the army reformed, and the mongolian railway and Transamur were incorporated back into the Russian state. But not all was beutifull for fieldmarshal Peter Wrangel who sought to extend power

-So what are we going to do now, oh bringer of despair, asked Vlassov
-Not to worry my dear henchmen. The Tsar is only 23, a inovative man, which means anti-Denikin. We merely have to offer ourselfs as right hand man which is sure to work for him and we will soon start to manipulate him. We have to dispose of Kolchak quietly and Denikin will be a piece of cake. The Tsar's main weakness is this- he is young

Cries could be heard out of the royal room. Wrangel and Vlassov walk in to see what is wrong

-What is the matter, royal highness, asked Wrangel
-BUAAAAAAAAAAAA, cried the young Tsar, THIS ROOM IS WHITE!!! I WANT IT RED!!! AND I WANT A DOUBLE BED. AND REMOVE THIS FREAKING PICTURE IT IS FREAKING ME OUT!!!
-Calm yourself down highness, this is no way for a Tsar to behave
-BUAAAAAAAA, DONT TELL ME HOW TO BEHAVE OR I WILL HAVE YOU EXECUTED
-Calm down majesty...we will fix everything

Vlassov and Wrangel walk out of the room

-The only problem is that it seems the young Tsar is too young for his own good, said Wrangel

@theexecuter- i woudnt count on that, Denikin will pose a big threat no more, however i am hoping to introduce some new characters
@yourworstnightmare-indeed

4th dimension-you are following this AAR well, and you have done a great deal by promoting me when you were elected as a fan of the week. i got 300 reads more after that, thats why i award you the "Uniting Russia's Russian double-chip Peter Wrangel's chocolate cookie-•" . Have fun with it
I am Peter Wrangel and i approve this cookie
-What about me?
-QUIET VLASSOV, WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN AAR THEN WELL SOMETHING ABOUT YOU!!!

Chapter 17: Depression

Peter Wrangel was sleeping at his desk like a baby. Suddenly he hears a familiar voice

-Sir, wake up, oh great one!
-What is it Vlassov, cant you see i am sleeping?
-I just heard the news. The Tsar Vladimir has died from syphylis!
-He did?
-And he choose you as an heir!
-So i get to rule Russia with an Iron Fist?
-Yep
-HOOOORAY! BRING OUT THE BEER VLASSOV!

Vlassov leaves to get bear. Suddenly, a beutiful and handsome blonde enters the room

-Hiiiii darling, said the blonde, how was your day?
-Wonderful!, says Wrangel, and who are you?
-Why my darling Peter, i am your wife
-Woah, said Wrangel, i finally succeded in life
-So, how was your day? Was it exciting?
-Yea...i drank beer...and listened to the radio...and i got the news that i am the new Tsar!
-That reaaaally turns me on. I had such a tough day at the office and I need you to give me a spunge bath
-Oh yes yes yes, Peter loooooves bathing his wife
-And then you can take this lotion and give me a massage
-Daaaaaaaa...i mean do you want anything else
-No, you dont have to do anything else for me...but i can do something for you if you would like
-You know how much i like when you do stuff to me
-Goood. I will be waiting for you in the bathroom, Peter. Please...dont keep me waiting

The Blonde goes into the bathroom. Suddenly, Denikin, wearing only his underpants and a T-Shirt with a kick me sign walks into the room

-Oh great. Denikin, i told you when you walk into my office you must wear all your clothes!!!
-I am sorry, oh great one... i just wanted to say to you are the greatest general Russia had ever had, that i am nothing compared to you and that you are the only one capable of Uniting Russia again!
-Why finally Denikin you realise. That makes me so happy. Now let me kick you

Denikin turns around and Wrangel kicks him in the back side

-You know, i always wanted to do that
-But havent you already kicked me once?
-I told you that was an accident

Suddenly the door open

-Ah Vlassov, finally, i have been waiting for that beer and...AAAAAAA VLASSOV WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU!!! YOUR HEAD TURNED INTO A DOGS HEAD!!!
-Wuf

Vlassov got a head of a dog

-Oh dear now i get it...this is all a dream
-Well duh Wrangel, said Denikin, do you really think i would bend down to you
-Yep...oh well...its still not bad. I can get used to a Vlassov like this...yep everything is gonna be alright
-Ooooh what a cute little doggie, says Denikin
-Wuf
-Oooh what is that down there? Maybe i should take a look
-NOOOOOO DENIKIN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STOP THAT THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS DREAM
-AUUUUUUUUUUUUF
-OH DEAR GOD THIS CANT GET ANY WORSE

Suddenly the blonde steps out of the bathroom

-What is the scream for, Wrangel deary
-LOOK AT WHAT DENIKIN AND VLASSOV ARE DOING!!!
-Oooooh how nice, i think ill join in

The Blonde undresses completly

-OH MY GOD, YOU ARE...YOU HAVE A...
-Well duh. What do you think how else would you get a girl like this

The Blonde joins in

-OH MY GOOD HOW CAN I DREAM OF SUCH PERVERSIONS. Maybe its because i am surrounded by morons and pervets but still OH THE HORROR OH I GOTTA WAKE UP I GOTTA WAKE
(Denikin starts to sing)

The train is rolling down the track,
Listen to the wheels go clickety clack,
Over the bridge, around the bend,
Taking me for a ride.

Now we sit here in the passenger car,
And the freight car's next in line,
And way in back is the little caboose,
Rolling along behind.

-You know Denikin, i think you should replace Vlassov in the back, he cant stop drooling at me, says the blonde
-AAAAAAAAH MY BRAIN IS SUFFERING PERMENANT DAMAGE, GOTTA WAKE UP, GOTTA WAKE UP

Wrangel start banging his head on the wall. Suddenly he wakes up. Vlassov is standing besides him

-Are you ok sir?
-AAAAAAA... i mean its you Vlassov with a human head! Oh how i am happy to see you
-I suppose you had one of those dreams
-Unfortynatly
-The Tsar request an audience with you
-Tell him ill be there in half an hour...i need a drink. Get me some beer

writers note's
the AAR's popularity has very much increased. By some estimates, i have more than a 100 regular readers now, which is very good and i am very happy for it. i hope i will get compliments from people who havent yet posted anything as compliments are always important to a writer, and its the same case as me. about this chapter, i thought it was hilarious, a bit perverted but oh well someone has to write that. i plan to remove denikin slowly from the AAR but he will remain until the end. the grand finale will really be a grand one indeed, but we still have more than 10 chapters remaining. oh yeah and in the next chapters prepare for war
now for those of you who think this AAR is uncivilized i will now write a special chapter. SO

Special chapter

-Hello, my name is Peter Wrangel and i am a fieldmarshal in a Russian Tzarist army
-And i am Andrei Vlassov, general in the great Russian army serving the glorious Tsar
*khm*
-...in the Russian army serving the glo...
*khm* *khm*
-...i am a general in the Russian army
*khmkhmkhmkhm*
-But i threw out everything i could!
-You forgot to mention that you are my lackey
-But everybody knows that, besides this is unnecesary
-Oh dear god Vlassov, YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF IN THESE SPECIAL CHAPTERS!!! We did that when we gave 4th Dimension the cookie, and we shall do that now
-I still think its stupid
-Well thats why you are the henchmen. Now, we are here because of the people who consider this AAR "uncivilized" and "simple" and we want them to prove them wrong. today Vlassov will tell you something about-the opera! Are you ready Vlassov?
-Yes. So-the opera
Opera is an art form in which singers and musicians perform a dramatic work (called an opera) which combines a text (called a libretto) and a musical.....zzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzz
-What? You feel asleep Vlassov? WAKE UP!!!
-Aaa...what, who, where? Hey we are on the air!
-AAAAAARGH...give me that. I am gonna read
Opera is an art form in which singers and musicians perform a dramatic work (called an opera) which combines a text (called a libretto) and a musical score. Opera is part of the Western classical music tradition. Opera incorporates many of the elements of spoken theatre, such as acting, scenery and costumes...zzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz
-Hahaahaha, now how feel asleep
-Well...i lasted longer than you
-Maybe we should get Denikin to read
-Please dont. Oh well for those of you who would like to learn more follow this link to this intranet thingy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opera
Next time we will be talking about table manner. Now thats something you could use Vlassov

4th Dimension said:

Since the Crovans and Knytlings are dead all uncivilisadnes has fallen to you.

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zuh?

man i got so scared...i coudnt find the AAR on the list and i started panicking. its still here luckly, but just a bump