Uniting Russia, (another) Kaiserreich AAR

hello and welcome to my comedy-AAR. hope you like it
i will update whenever i can

Mico94 said:

If you want to do a comedy AAR, then don't put in Balkan jokes, because can happen:
1)most of the non-balkan readers won't understand

2) most of the insulted-by your jokes balkan people will be very angry

(by the way I didn't understand what do you mean with that slovenian, but I think it is better that I don't know)

And wtf is a slovenian sniper doing in Russia

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1. they dont have to. mazbe the joke is ment for balkan readers only
2. if you get insulted by a comedy AAR then i really dont know what to say to you

and a slovenian sniper in russia? who cares. he is not a main protagonists. people are not interested in him but the quest of PETER WRANGEL THE TO BE DESPOT OF GREAT RUSSIA!!!

Chapter 2: Seizing power(almost)

Peter Wrangel, General Vlassov and a eager band of soldiers are marching towards Moscow

-So tell me henchmen, how did you manage to find 10 working rifles
-I dont want to talk about it
-Well...OK...whatever...so did anyone bring a map of Moscow

Silence

-YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU DID NOT BRING A MAP OF MOSCOW
-I thought you would bring it, oh bringer of despair
-That is why i have you henchmen and for this you shall be punished. 30 slaps with a wet noodle when we seize power
-Yes, oh great one
-Let us ask a peasent where the presidential palace is. Hey you!

Wrangel calls a peasent who was working in a nearby field

-Hey you, peasent, tell me where is the presidential palace here!
-Presidential palace?
-Yes, the presidential palace. We are on official duty to seize power AND UNITE RUSSIANS UNDER A GREAT RUSSIAN BANNER
-Well, good for you. There is no presidential palace here, the capital is in Petrovgrad
-WHAT???
-Well yes
-But i could have sworn that...
-Aaaaah see this country's goverment was so weak people didnt even notice we had one so everybody forgot where the capital is. People were even forming their own countries. How do you think how the goverment stayed in power so long? Because nobody knew where it was
-Hmmm...makes sence. I was asked for my passport 3 times on the way here. Oh well ONTO ST. PETERSBURG!!!!

Wrangel leaves with his men

-Damn city folk, said the peasent

In St. Petersburg, near the seat of goverment

-OK boys are you ready to storm the building. Henchmen!
-Yes oh great one
-You and your men go inside first, ill go in once it safe. It will be fast and swift and it will take them by suprise. Ill go in when its safe
-I dont know about that. There is a huge crowd watching us

Wrangel turns his head and sees a large crowd observing his band of soldier. Wrangel, irritated, fires in the air 2 times and the crowd disperses

-Stupid people. OK GO GO GO

Wrangel's men storm the building but find no one but a fat guard(who obviously hasnt moved from that position for a long time) sleeping

-WHERE IS HE, WHERE IS DENIKIN???

The fat guard wakes up

-Who, Denikin? Is he the janitor?
-No he is the president and the head of goverment of Russia. He took power after Kerensky was assasinated by a lone gunman with a Tokarev rifle with a scope on a direct hit in the head...erm...so they say!
-KERENSKY WAS ASSASINATED? HOW TERRIBLE!!!
-Wait you didnt know?
-Not quite. I really dont care
-So why is this building empty?
-I dont know. I guard this building and as long as it is standing here intact then my job is done
-Blah. Ok i will leave you on your...work...let us go

Wrangel exists the building and takes a pedestrian and pulls out his gun and aim in the head

-YOU! TELL ME WHERE HAS THE GOVERMENT WENT
-They just moved to Moscow, havent you heard
-BUT WE'VE JUST BEEN THERE
-Oh you must have missed them
-CURSEEEEEES. WHY, WHY IS MY DESTINY TO UNITE RUSSIA AVOIDING ME, WHY???
-You know, you should really calm down a little bit. My ears hurt from your yelling
-Ah sorry. Nasty habit. Here you are free
-So what are we going to do now, oh powerfull one, said Vlassov
-Well it is too late now, Denikin certainly knows what we are plannning but we will head back to Moscow since i need to have a chat with Denikin. Now, where did i put my passport?

4th Dimension said:

Oh nice...

Slovenian thing is that Slovenians are really the only sane people on the Balkans (what Europeans call Balkans. geographically, Balkans is only what's south of Sava and then Danube.), (except maybe the Greeks but then they never really fall under the term Balkanian all tough they are the natives. They had the great misfortune that couple of tens of millions unwashed barbarians moved in their neighborhood and ruining their reputation).

So like whenever sense and thick headiness meet they tend to call each other names and insinuate that those that are sensible and intelligent are... you know.

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indeed. balkans ftw

Crush3r said:

Ha, what's he going to do? Threaten Denikin with publishing his gay porn collection? :rofl:

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no no no
VCR still havent been invented!
update toghnight most likely!
and no more balkan jokes due to bad reception

Chapter 3: Iron Grip

Peter Wrangel and his henchmen gen. Vlassov were in the new presidential palace in Moscow. They were about to meet gen. Denikin, the new president of a great Russian state

-So, great one, how do you plan do deal with Denikin
-Well since we were held up on that goddamn so called border post for 20 days because that nation does not recognize Russian passports we lost valuable time. Denikin is already organizing his state and it will be difficult to overthrow him now. I must be friends with him for now
-That border post incident was very embarrasing
-Indeed. I mean the guys takes an area of about 10km wide, proclaims it his own state, proclaims himself the emperor and then doesnt want to let us in since we have Russian passports and holds us 20 days in a small pig-house along with his smelly pigs. I usually hate barging into people's houses but i just had to take a shower. I mean i could be smelt a mile away. That is not how a Russian general should look like. You know Vlassov your men could have opened fire
-We could but he had an SMG. That is like, a miracle
-I hate Russia's army

The door opened and a soldier came out

-General Wrangel, president Denikin will see you now
-Finally

Wrangel walks in and find Denikin sitting in his office. It was a simple office with a Russian flag behind Denikin

-Wrangel, my dear dear Wrangel, how are you
-Pretty much well sir. You?
-Ah, never better. I feel like a 15 year old boy ready to lose his virginity
-If i didnt know better id say you were still a virgin
-Hahahahaha, good one Wrangel. You were always one of my favorite colleagues. So full of passion, and fire in your eyes
-Yes...well...
-Just the kind of man this country wants for a prime minister
-REALLY???I mean...do tell
-And that is why i appointed a new prime minister-patriarch Vladimirov Vladoschevoschevich
-Oh you shoudnt...YOU APPOINTED WHO???
-The patriarch is the man of the people. He is adored by them
-Are you kidding me? Vladimirov is the worst patriarch Russia's ortodox church ever had! He was apointed by Kerensky as an experiment to expand his influence beyond Petrovgrad 2 years ago and all he managed to expand was his own pocket!
-Now, now Wrangel, let us not get too hasty
-Not too hasty? The people dont like him they hate him, everyone hates him! He was just in a line of wrong moves Kerensky made, a small priest in Siberia who has never seen a city before Kerensky found him. When he appointed him as a patriarch the entire church was so outraged there was almost a civil war!
-You will change your mind when you meet him, I am confident. Oh here he comes now

The prime minister, his "holiness" Vladimirov walked into the room. Even though he was a man into his sixties Wrangel knew he musnt be decived. Vladimirov is a old greedy man hated by everyone and feared also by everyone, and is a outrage for the church. Wrangel knew he had to get him out of his way

-Good afternoon president. And who is this?,asked Vladimirov
-Ah, prime minister, this is general Wrangel. General Wrangel, meet our patriarch and prime minister, Vladimirov
-Pleased...to meet you, said Wrangel
-Whatever. Now what did you want to see me about?
-All in due time my dear prime minister. Please have a seat
-No thank you. I would prefer if i stand

Wrangel's face suddenly turned stiff for a half of a minute, then suddenly Wrangel's face turned serious then it became green and Wrangel ran out of the room and into the bathroom. Vomiting could be heard before Wrangel came back in

-I say Wrangel, are you ok?
-Yea yea...i just thought of something that i could have gone my whole life without thinking about it
-Well in any case Wrangel i want to tell you that our army is in very poor shape and i am making you the commander of the Moscow district and the STAVKA HQ. I think you should handle it. I also want you to supervise our army, and its modernisation and I want you to give me a report by the end of the 2 month period, understood
-Yes sir
-Ok. By the way would you like to have dinner with me toghnight at 8 o' clock, just the two us, we could
-NO NO NO...i mean no sir i have plans toghnight
-Well...ok...now if you will excuse us me and the prime minister have some...private matter to attend to
-Ok sir

Wrangel walks out of the room and gives the signal to Vlassov to leave the building

-So how did it go, said Vlassov
-I have been apointed as the head of the Moscow military region. And i met the new prime minister, the patriarch
-NOT HIM!
-Yes...him. It seems Denikin is choosing his cabinet in such a way that the "seat of the goverment" will rarely be used by that cabinet. We must get rid of that priest. He is an evil man. And we have to get rid of Denikin. But we shall do that later. Right now we have an army to modernize. Now...let us pay a visit to that "emperor" with my new army i just got! Payback is sweeet


General Denikin, the very much active leader of Russia

one note about the priest
the patriarch and the prime minister is a fictional characted, not an in-game character as well, but a characted made by me. i used the example of those corrupt priests from the good old renessance comedies which i had the pleasure of reading this year. the patriarch is in no way to any resembelance to the real life, he is just a funny old characted i created to make this AAR more fun