The Tale of Nine Comrades

[Kazmir]

It was the coldest day within living memory when the German forces managed to breach the defenses of Stalingrad on 6th of June 1943. They were advancing fast now, city after city they were reaching Moscow. But Stalin had an idea.

In the secret chamber next to Lenin's Mausoleum, a strange scientist called Mikhail Nikitin is working on a great invention. Funded by the Communist Party and known only by comrades Stalin and Kalinin, he has the freedom to carry out his rather ambitious scheme. But the Germans would soon be at the doors of Moscow, it was time to reveal the secret to rest of the Politburo.

Nine mysterious men sneaked into the Mausoleum in the middle of a night. The first thing they saw was a room full of electric appliances and devices.

Stalin: Mikhail! What are you doing? I told you to stay in your chamber and stay away of Lenin! What a sacrilege!

Mikhail: I am sorry comrade, but the room you gave me just wasn't... big enough... I could only fit the generators there.

Stalin: Never mind, we need to do this now.

Zhukov: Excuse me comrade, you still haven't let us know why you brought us all here... and couldn't this have waited till morning? You know I have difficulties to get sleep.

Stalin: I am sorry my friend, but this is urgent. Friends and comrades, I have brought you here as I have finally figured out how we can still win this crazy war. Let me represent you Mikhail Nikitin, the greatest inventor on earth. Thanks to him we can have a rematch with the Germans.

Molotov: And how on earth are you thinking to do that?

Stalin: We go back in time of course!

Deep silence.

Stalin: Nikitin has built a time machine! What a great hero he is.

Zhukov: Ok, let's assume this... thing works, how are we exactly supposed to beat the Germans if we can't do it now either?

Stalin: Ah! Glad you asked, simple: We go back to 1939, make a coup on, and betray Hitler before he has the chance to betray us!

Khrushchev: Wait... we're going to overthrow ourselves? Oh boy, I guess we can't just walk off can we?

Stalin: Of course you can, I heard it's very cozy in Siberia during winter. Now, I have bought us everything we need, some weapons, vodka and caviar. S gentlemen, let's roll.

The men sit on strange looking seats full of devices and wires all over them.
Lights start flashing and the whole Red Square trembles.
The Strain is too much for the Mausoleum causing half of it's roof to collapse cutting bunch wires and throwing poor Lenin's embalmed body on the lap of Molotov.

Zhukov: Aah! What is going on, I don't like this at all, we're...

Loud explosion is heard and then there was silence and darkness.

Kalinin: Awh... my head hurts... everyone OK?

Stalin: What a mess! And we took poor Lenin with us back in time, oh well.

Molotov: Wasn't my fault! He just... holy mother of Lenin! Is that.. you... comrade Stalin?

Stalin: Of course it is me, what's wrong with you?

Molotov: You... look so different.

Stalin takes out the pocket mirror he's always carrying with him.

Stalin: Oh my... I must have lost 30 years! Wait a minute... you all looks awfully lot younger, especially you Beria, you can't be much older than 16! But why am I wearing these ridiculous clothes...

Zhukov: You have ridiculous clothes? Hah! Could someone please explain why am I wearing full suit of armor on me?

Stalin: Something isn't right here... Nikitin, what is goin... oh damn it, the collapsing roof crushed the man. Zhukov, get out of these ruins and take a look around.

Zhukov: Why me?

Beria: You're the one wearing body armour.

Zhukov climbs out of the ruined Mausoleum. After a while he comes back inside.

Stalin: Well? Anything weird out there?

Zhukov: No, just... cows. Cows and forest.

Stalin: Cows? In the Red Square? And, eh, forest?

Zhukov: Forest and cows yes, but I don't think we're in the Red Square anymore.

Khrushchev: We're all doomed! We're lost in the middle of nowhere with silly clothes, two corpses and cows. *Sniff* At least we have vodka...

The people's heroes all climb out of the ruins to take a glance at the endless fields, forests and cows. In the horizon they see a city. It isn't big, but it looks somehow familiar. They take up everything they might need, rifles, food, vodka and the embalmed corpse of Lenin and head to the mysterious city.

The (awfully young) comrades:

1. Josif Stalin
2. Anastas Mikoyan
3. Mikhail Kalinin
4. Lazar Kaganovich
5. Nikita Khrushchev
6. Kliment Voroshilov
7. Georgy Zhukov
8. L. P. Beria
9. Vyacheslav Molotov

[swippy]

i love this AAR already!

[Snugglie]

Man, this might be one of the coolest ideas I've seen in the CK-forum for quite some time. Following, indefinitely.

[Kazmir]

The group was closing in on the mysterious city. They had walked for hours leaving a trail of empty bottles after them, they saw tiny shacks and poor farmers alongside the road.
They arrived to the city's huge walls made of stone. There are two guards at the gates, wearing leather armour and equipped with spears.

Voroshilov: This place looks so... backward. The machine must have thrown us to Kazakhstan.

Stalin: Greetings soldiers. Can one of you tell us where we are.

Guard: You have arrived to the glorious city of Moscow, travelers.

Zhukov: Moscow? This cannot be Moscow, where's Kremlin? Why is this... wall built here and why on earth are you wearing such silly clothing.

Guard: We do not know what you are talking about at all, but if you are to enter the city, I suggest you dump that corpse you're carrying into the Moscow river.

Kalinin: What a sacrilege! Don't you know who this man is? Where have you been the last 50 years? To throw Lenin into a river!

Stalin: Uhh, tell me... what year is it?

Guard: 1066 of course.

The group stood there, silenced and in disbelief. Something had gone wrong, terribly wrong. They entered the city and saw large medieval society spreading in front of them. They were lost. Terribly lost.

After a moment of pondering their options these optimistic men came to a conclusion that not everything was lost after all. Now they had plenty of time to introduce the wonders of socialism into the world and, probably, also longer time to prepare for the upcoming German attack.
These energetic comrades grabbed their rifles and headed to the palace. No one could stop nine drunken Russians with firearms in the age of swords and spears. They rushed to the duke's chamber, and forced him to give up the surrounding lands. After this successful coup the Kingdom of Soviet Union was established, his highness Stalin as it's legitimate ruler. A new era was about to begin.

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I don't have a slightest clue whether ordinary people actually knew or were interested what year it is in the 11th century, but they had to get the info from somewhere.
I know this reply wasn't that great and quite short, just wanted to get into the real action already.

[TheConqueror]

HHAhaha...thats the most hilarious thing I ever saw!

[Kazmir]

swippy: Glad to hear that.

Snugglie: Thanks, I just had this crazy idea and bam, I made this aar. No idea what direction it will take after this, probably pretty weird one though.

TheConqueror: Glad you like it, hopefully it'll just get better.

[Snugglie]

This is just as wonderful as it seemed. This beginning sure bodes very well for the future!

[stnylan]

What an amusing conceit! Should be fun

[CCA]

Hooray for liberating the oppressed workers and peasants!

[Kurt_Steiner]

I cannot miss this AAR. I hope that Adolf has not his time own time machine, too

[Spencer_123]

Interestingly hilarious AAR. I won't miss it.

[Enewald]

Wows... with some rifles and bottles of vodka... you can conquer the world!
Btw, can you mod the game so that you get no demesny penalty?
Because it would be better so, as the nation is lead from Moscow and there should be no dukes to rebel...

And I wonder how many bastards our comrades will get.

[Kazmir]

The new court of Moscow soon adapted the feudal lifestyle while not forgetting the principles of their sacred ideology. The old inheritance laws were replaced by elective ones, making sure the power would stay in the hands of The Party.
A meeting was arranged concerning the unification of Russia, and eventually rest of Europe, under the rule of this wonderful worker’s paradise.

Stalin: After carefully studying this map and our options, I have came to the conclusion that we should strike the Sami tribes to the northeast of us with full strength before invading and subjugating our Russian neighbours.

Molotov: Oh but the words “invade” and “subjugate” both sound so imperialistic and militaristic at the same time. I suggest we use more fitting expression, such as integrate and unify.

Stalin: Point taken. What would I do without you Molotov? Now get prepared, we have a nation to be conq… err, sorry, integrated.

Kaganovich: Excuse me, but why on earth are we conquering some back forest, Antarctic tribe in the edges of Siberia when we have whole Russia to be unified. We should start from our neighbours especially those that pose a direct thread.

Stalin: Because we need to… uhh, secure our supplies. And never question my orders again!

Kaganovich: Secure our supplies? What supplies? The vital supplies of wild bears? The highly important stocks of permafrost? I strongly oppose su…

Stalin: Silence, or I’ll deport you to… back to your room! Now get lost, the meeting’s over, we’re going to launch the attack in the beginning of March.

Kaganovich: That old devil, why did I even support him in the first place.

Stalin: Bah, unruly court members make me sick.

Courier: Sire, the clergy are asking a right to collect extra tithes from the peasantry. What shall I tell them?

Stalin:Extra tithes? From the working class? Collected by the clergy? Tell them to crawl back to their dark holes! Those people are poor and hungry enough, doesn’t the clergy have a heart at all? The only reason why I haven’t banned religion yet is the superstition of these people and the massive power the church possesses, we need to get rid of it.

Courier: At once, milord.

Stalin: Oh and courier, give orders to collect some extra taxes from these peasantry. Call it party tax or something. I need to fill my war chest.

Stalin leaves with Zhukov, Molotov and 5000 men towards the icy, vitally important peripheries controlled by the Sami tribes. They raid villages, loot cities and have an overall splendid time. The campaign was also blessed by surprisingly beautiful weather. Stalin and Molotov were watching a nearby battle from atop of a hill.

Stalin: Ahh, look at these beautiful sights down there, my dear friend.

Molotv: Yes, it makes me feel so warm inside. Birds singing, flowers sprouting, nothing beats spring!

Stalin: Well I was actually meaning the bloodshed our enemy is experiencing down there, but you’re right, spring is beautiful too.

Molotov: I bought some lunch with me, you want some too, comrade?

While reaching for his lunch box, Molotov suddenly falls from his horse, hurting his leg.

Molotov: Ough! My leg! It hurts! What do I do now? People will hear I fell from the horse and laugh at me, oh the horror!

Stalin: Don’t worry, we’ll just tell them you hurt it in the battle. I will also award you with pile of medals for your heroic deeds on the battlefield. I’m sure they’ll believe that.

Molotov: Thank you *sob*, you’re a real friend!


Stalin then headed northwards with his troops, leaving Molotov struggle with the villages in the south. Meanwhile the king of Norway, Svend Estridson Knýtling, decided to forge an alliance with the new Soviet Union, later on introducing the principles of socialism to Scandinavia. It is said the effects are still visible in today's Nordic societies.

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Sorry for no update yesterday, trying to make it at least once a day, but Mondays and Wednesdays are bad for me. I also updated the portraits in first picture to show everyone's titles, position in court and ages.

[Veldmaarschalk]

What an interesting AAR-idea and such a surprise for me

[Snugglie]

It is said the effects are still visible in today's Nordic societies.

Sums up Sweden in a nutshell.

[Estonianzulu]

Oh this is just fun.

[phargle]

Maaaarvelous.

[stnylan]

I especially like what you did with the injury event. Good fun.

[AlexanderPrimus]

Would be funny if, a few years down the line, the Soviets discover that the Holy Roman Emperor has appointed a new Imperial Chancellor -- a strange Austrian with a silly little mustache...

[TheConqueror]

I want to see Molotov's face when he discovers about the "medics" of that age