The Adventures of House Eurpontid

Archidamus Eurpontid

King of Sparta


Achaea and Eudamidas Have Bad Days, 11 January 502 AUC to 23 September 502 AUC











Fortunately, Epirus has sided with us.

Unfortunately, Macedon picked those brown-nosing Achaeans to back.











Fortunately, Acrotatus is a pretty good general – for a lousy traitor.











The Aetolians attacked Epirus instead of us, so Acrotatus had plenty of time to storm Achaea…soon those villains – and all of their scrumptious little Helots will be mine!











Ha! It is mine! I have achieved my goal. Not only is Sparta a player in the world of international carnage and mayhem once more, but I actually managed to crush my hated foe! Aetolia and Macedon – with the ringleader Achaea destroyed – signed peace treaties.

Well. Now that that’s done, I don’t really know what to do with the rest of my life. I mean, those two goals have pretty well consumed every waking moment.

Maybe I’ll take up shuffle-board…or maybe work on that Epic Poem I’ve always wanted to write…Yes!

That’s it! I know what to do now…I shall write that Epic Poem of Hubert the Silent Titan! I shall start work at…*HURK*













Hello. I am King Eudamidas…my father passed away, which was a shame, but, you know, life goes on. Anyway, I have some really big plans for Sparta, I mean real ambitious ones. But, I am getting ahead of myself. First we need to see what father left the other children. Here, let us look through his will togeth…hey! What the? That can't be right. Son of a Bitch! But I’m way older! And I’ve been a Governor, an Admiral. I’ve lead important embassies to our friends and enemies.

This…this is an outrage!



*throws down Will in disgust before storming out of the Royal Hut*














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Inscription from the Temple of Archidamus, Sparta


Great Archidamus, scion of the Eurpontid line,
Did sharpen Spartan swords, save the stoic Spartan day,
Finding buried Lacedaemeon courage and heroes sublime.
Spartan spears moved proudly through famed Thermopylae.

Achaeans grown prideful were humbled in time,
Thracian women weep wildly and for false freedom whine.
Macedonians and Aetolians coated Spartan swords with grime,
Brave Epirus clove to us, seeing where the dice do lay.

Sparta’s King, called to the gods, to be toasted full with wine,
To the peak of Olympus will Great Archidamus climb,
And with Three Hundred Shades, he will proudly dine,
A modern day Lycurgus, he has shown us the Spartan Way.
​

Alcetus Eurpontid

King of Sparta


My Two Wives, 23 September 502 AUC to 12 March 505 AUC











Hello. My name is Alcetus, and I am the new King. My old mentor has passed away, sadly, while I was off commanding the Fleet, so I am kind of on my own here.

I mean, Eudamidas could probably give me some tips on ruling, since he was Governor of Thracia for so long…of course he was a thieving scoundrel, so I probably wouldn’t take his advice anyway…probably why daddy passed him over in his will.

In any case, he won’t talk to me.










I’m going ahead and taking out a loan to host a Triumph for Acrotatus. This is for two reasons: 1 – he did lead the conquest of Achaea. And 2 – he is Charis’ father-in-law and I know that would make her happy.








I’ve married Hypatia of the Proctid Family. She is very much “Old School.” It’s kind of scary. Everywhere I go its like: “Alcetus, come back with your lunch-bucket or on it!” “Alcetus, come back with the dry-cleaning or on it!” “Alcetus, come back with the newspaper or on it.”











The Outlying towns in Laconia have rebelled! I would suspect they are Eudamidas Partisans, but no one likes that guy.












Well, that was unsettling. I think it is time to check with the gods, so I am headed to Delphi to see if this is a one time revolt, or if there is going to be more trouble.











Oh Great Oracle of Delphi! Give me a message! I am King of Sparta and I need to know: am I facing Civil War?

Go and free the Athenians.

Ooohhhkkaayyy. Thanks for the advice. Um. So, how about at home: What’s the deal there…Civil War? Yes? No?

Go and free the Athenians.

Yeah, okay, thanks. Whatever.

Fricken waste of time.

Alcetus, what the Oracle clearly meant was that the gods favor the bold…not mealy-mouthed half-wits…Apollo clearly wants you to liberate Greece from those Ham-Handed Macedonians! You are disliked because you have done nothing! Now Go, Conquer Athens and return with your shield or on it!

Okay Hypatia…I get it. We will make war on Macedon, if that’s what the gods want, but we still need to recover from the Achaean War before we do anything like that…besides, I want the priests to read over the Oracle and see if they agree with your assessment.

Chicken

I heard that.










And, of course, it is only right that Sparta properly thank the gods for all the favor they showed us during daddy’s reign. And, since the priests and I generally agree that father’s showed himself to not just be a king, but to be a Hero, I am dedicating a temple to him on our Acropolis as part of the festivities.

I will sacrifice 100 virgins on the alter – No! just kidding. Dad was right. I do feel pretty stupid for suggesting that. No, it will be 20 white bulls!










I have named her after my dear mother. Hopefully, this doesn’t mean she will be insane too.











Dear Hypatia, unwilling to rest after giving birth (she thought it was unmanly), has died.

True to form even in death, the house helots drug her back home on her purse. It must have taken them forever.












I have remarried. Thorakis maybe cross-eyed and walk with a lurch, but at least she won’t be nagging me about coming home “on stuff,” so I am okay.
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