The Adventures of House Eurpontid

Alfred Packer · Apr 17, 2008

Curse it, beaten as first Sparta AAR by 1 day! Oh well. I suspect the other AAR contains a competant player and glory for Sparta. You won't find that here. Nope. Here you will see shameless rip-off, misery, incompetance and probably the total destruction of Sparta within 5 years. Probably not even worth your time to read, to be honest.
Winner of the Q2 2008 Award for Favorite Comedy AAR
Winner of the 2008 Golden Caeser

House Eurpontid

Archidamus Eurpontid
b. 434 AUC, r. 474 AUC, d. 502 AUC
Episode 1 - Taking Stock, 1 January 474 - 20 January 474
Episode 2 - Groping for Glory, 20 January 474 - 17 August 477
Episode 3 - Generalling: Not for Everyone, 17 August 477 - 28 November 478
Episode 4 - Triumphs for Others, 28 November 478 - 28 August 481
Episode 5 - Spinning Wheels and Insulting Children, 27 August 481 - 31 March 488
Episode 6 - Gongs of War, 31 March 488 - 1 January 491
Episode 7 - A Very Special The Adventures of House Eurpontid, 1 January 491 - 5 March 496
Episode 8 - Opportunity Knocks, 5 March 496 - 11 January 502
Episode 9 - Achaea and Eudamidas Have Bad Days, 11 January 502 - 20 September 502

Alcetus Eurpontid
b. 477 AUC, r. 502 AUC
Episode 10 - My Two Wives, 11 January 502 - 12 March 505
Episode 11 - The Grapes of Wrath, 12 March 505 - 4 April 510
Episode 12 - Civil Disobedience, 4 April 510 - 8 May 518
Episode 13 - Flaming Gods, 8 May 518 - 28 October 522

Alfred Packer · Apr 17, 2008

I guess they don't know it is BC yet.

Archidamus Eurpontid

King of Sparta

Taking Stock, 1 January 474 AUC to 20 January 474 AUC

Hello, I am Archidamus. I am King of Sparta. We used to be pretty big shots, but, well. Let’s just say our ship has sailed. For example, we don’t date from our big wins over Persia and Athens. We don’t date from our big losses to Thebes or even Thebes’ humiliating defeat at Macedon’s hands. No, our calendar is based on when the City of Rome was founded. I don’t even know where Rome is!

Not only that, but the King of Sparta, me, is an orphan.

Here is my son Eudamidas. He is more popular than I am even though he looks like someone just shot his dog. And I mean all the time.

Aannnd this is Sparta. Yeah, we don’t yell that anymore. Not since we lost all those great Helots. It’s not as easy to be warrior-heroes when you have to darn your own socks. Plus, our bottomless well caved in.

Even the hated Achean League has a larger army and richer lands. Well, they don’t know we hate them yet, but if we are going to restore glory to Sparta, we need enemies right?

Oh yes, I also command the army. All 1,000 of them.

My son commands our boat.

I would offer a sacrifice to the gods to get their support for my plan to restore Sparta to greatness, but we are so poor, our sacrifices would only insult them.

So, we are on our own.

My diplomatic initiatives are not off to the great start I had hoped for.

Poor Eudamidas. He was hoping we could use the wood to build a second boat.

Well, we do have one trade route. With my secret enemies the Achean League. I’m selling them the supplies they will need to raise effective Heavy Infantry.

I’m really not good at this.

This is my new wife Eirene. When you are King of Sparta, you can’t be too choosy.

Archidamus has set a worthy goal! Restore Sparta to greatness. However, is he the right man for the job? Is his son? Does it even matter? Join us next time as Eudamidas pretends not to be grossed out that his step-mom is younger than he is on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of House Eurpontid!

coz1 · Apr 17, 2008

Another Sparta AAR. How did I know this would be a popular one. At least you don't shout it anymore.

Good luck, AP. May the Gods be with you (when you can afford them.)

Phax · Apr 17, 2008

There is no such thing as too many spAARtans.

unmerged(9046) · Apr 17, 2008

Sparta seems to be a challenge at the start.

Good luck!

CountArach · Apr 17, 2008

Good luck, I liked the 300 references.

Berrrie · Apr 17, 2008

In your universe, Sparta and its leaders seem rather... dull. Try to get something done with those losers...

I like this AAR already!

pit · Apr 17, 2008

mmm nice start

General_BT · Apr 17, 2008

Alfred Packer said:
Well, we do have one trade route. With my secret enemies the Achean League. I’m selling them the supplies they will need to raise effective Heavy Infantry.

I’m really not good at this.

Ah... classic Alfred Packer at his best! Hilarity is bound to ensue! :rofl:

unmerged(45184) · Apr 17, 2008

You should cap your army size at 300

Jvstin · Apr 17, 2008

The "300" references have made me laugh.

And the classic "I'm really not good at this"

Fiftypence · Apr 17, 2008

Very good.

hjarg · Apr 17, 2008

Hehee, thanks for the laughs. And sorry to hear about the well. :rofl:

comagoosie · Apr 17, 2008

Haha, I have high hopes for the 2nd AAR about Sparta

Good luck you are probably going to need it.

unmerged(56754) · Apr 17, 2008

Kill all your kings till you get a Leonidas, have just 1,000 men, use attrition to get just 300 men, march north to the hot gates and beat Persia (Or Selucis or macedon) there and then! Who needs 25,000 hoplites??!

Lord Durham · Apr 17, 2008

Alfred Packer said:
I would offer a sacrifice to the gods to get their support for my plan to restore Sparta to greatness, but we are so poor, our sacrifices would only insult them.

I got a real laugh out of that line.

Good job. Really...

Mike von Bek · Apr 18, 2008

Heh, this looks like a good start - lets see where it goes

Crookback · Apr 18, 2008

Haha, brilliant. I absolutely f*cking wet myself at this bit:

"My son commands our boat."

:rofl: :rofl:

Lord Valentine · Apr 18, 2008

You've done it again Alfred! A great start! Especially liked the "Here is my son Eudamidas. He is more popular than I am even though he looks like someone just shot his dog. And I mean all the time."-line. Wonderful stuff :rofl: :rofl:

~Lord Valentine~

Dakar · Apr 18, 2008

Very funny AAR, I´ll be following it.

The Adventures of House Eurpontid

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