The Adventures of House Eurpontid

**Alfred Packer** · 18-04-2008 15:35

Wow! Thanks for all the kind comments. Unfortunately, as those of you already familiar with my work know, it is all down-hill from here, but hopefully a couple of you stay along for the ride!

600 views and 2 pages off of 1 post! Truly my cup runneth over!

**Eams** · 18-04-2008 15:41

I wouldn't know about the down-hill bit, certainly not qualitywise. Crovan for instance has steadily improved with each new update.

**Alfred Packer** · 18-04-2008 15:44

Archidamus Eurpontid

King of Sparta

Groping for Glory, 20 January 474 AUC to 17 August 477 AUC

I have just signed an alliance with Macedon, the baddest country in the neighborhood. Why do they want us for allies? You got me, but this will be useful.

Eirene passed away today. I will miss her hunched, misshapen, lurching walk. And also the sex.

I have remarried. Meet Eunice. While I admit, she is an insane epileptic, she is also hot to trot and, let’s face it. I can’t be too picky.

I should probably share some responsibilities with noble families outside my own so they don’t get, I don’t know, all stabby with me.

I will let Apollonides of the Zagreid Clan command the Militia. I will hand the command of the Heavy Infantry to Stuttering Ephron. I’m guessing by the time he could finish uttering the words, “Hey guys, lets overthrow the King!” I will have had ample time to make a leisurely stroll across the mud-pit that forms my Courtyard and relieve him of command.

I have fathered a daughter. Her name is Charis. That is all.

I have sent the army off to the Barbarian Northlands in search of glory, possibly slaves and maybe a good site for a colony.

When there are large numbers of heavily armed and bored men sitting around the castle, sometimes you need to just get them out of the place, not just because bored, heavily armed men might get some funny ideas about re-distributing power, but also because they don’t spend all that free time bathing, let me tell you.

The Generals sent back word that Maedi was kind of a waste of time, but that there was a country called Thydis that might – might mind you – be weaker than we are. They have 6,000 men just like we do. But their costumes seem to indicate they are even poorer than we are, so unless they have some allies, well…I might just have to unleash a little Spartan mayhem.

I have entrusted the least loyal noble with a very critical mission: to got to the barbarian lords of Thytis and tell them Sparta is going to kill their menfolk, enslave their womenfolk and reduce their villages to mud.

I hear these barbarians actually eat their foes.

And now, the first clash of Spartan arms! I know my Generals and soldiers will make me proud.

And we did it! I mean, we actually won two battles in a row!

Thrace will be mine…er…Sparta’s! With all its rich juicy helots ready to work to death to support their master’s lavish lifestyle…ah. Good Times.

Seriously? Was it that simple? Surely some disaster will overcome Archidamus’ forces! Or is Sparta really going to rise again? And are there really going to be that many helots in Thrace of all places? Find out next time on The Adventures of House Eurpontid!

**coz1** · 18-04-2008 15:56

Something's coming. That did seem far too easy.

**hjarg** · 18-04-2008 16:07

The only good way to comment this is:

hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

Thanks!

**Tayran** · 18-04-2008 16:14

Great AAR! Keep up the good work. Love your kings new wife

**Lofman** · 18-04-2008 18:40

I like it. Keep up the good work, and show those blokes in Thrace who is the strongest.

**comagoosie** · 18-04-2008 21:58

Nice move. With thrace almost guranteed in your hands, what will be next, a spAARtan can never be too ambitious

**Skarion** · 18-04-2008 22:29

Just wondering, but is the Spartan overclass big enough to keep whole of Thracia occupied?

**Asmodeous** · 18-04-2008 22:43

While I admit, she is an insane epileptic, she is also hot to trot

Seizures are sexy. When they happen in bed? Woowee!

Me.

**Lord_Robertus** · 19-04-2008 20:05

Yay Sparta! Invade Persia just like old times

**Alfred Packer** · 21-04-2008 11:57

Lord_Robertus: Sparta's ambitions are only equalled by her abjact poverty!

Asmodeous: I think that comment gets you a seat on the Hell Express

Skarion: Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't read any manuals or anything. It took me a while to figure out the game does marriage for you, and the only reason I sent the army north was because I wondered if you could attack barbarians like you attack natives in EUIII...turns out you can't, but it also turns out Thracia is a really weak country!

comagoosie: Probably a few epsiodes of bitching and grousing, followed by a surprise attack on some unlucky fellows.

Lofman: Indeed they will feel the wrath of Sparta

Tayran: Thanks!

hajarg: I'm glad you like it!

coz1: It really did.

**Alfred Packer** · 21-04-2008 12:03

Archidamus Eurpontid

King of Sparta

Generalling: Not For Everyone, 17 August 477 AUC to 28 November 478 AUC

To celebrate our immanent conquest of Thrace, I have fathered a son. I wanted to name him Albert, after my uncle. Eunice wanted to name him Cletus because she is insane.

We compromised.

Stuttering Ephron has chased off many of these Thracian attacks. I am beginning to wonder if he is getting too popular.

And now Thrace has fallen! Time to welcome them into the Glorious Kingdom of Sparta!

I kind of thought they would. Now, to deal with Stuttering Ephrom.

His troops like him a little too much, so I’ll promote him to Governor of Thrace and take over control of the Heavy Infantry personally. Won’t they be excited to have that nobody replaced as General with their King!

Still, Ephron did a good job…and now he lives far away, where I cannot watch over his daily plottings, so I’m going to go ahead and give him a triumph…something we haven’t had in Sparta for many years, I tell you.

Just great. The Barbarians of Maedi rise up just as I am trying to march home the Heavy Infantry and show them how great a leader I am.

My claim was somewhat undercut by the humiliating defeat I suffered..

Not only that, but they are chasing me…this could not get any worse!

Fortunately, Apollonides and the Auxilliaries were ready to fight.

Unfortunately, so were the Barbarians.

Also unfortunately, we are outnumbered.

On top of that, I managed to get about a thousand Heavy Infantry killed and the rest demoralized right before a rather nasty battle.

Now Appollonides just saved my bacon. I still can't understand the brilliant strategem he used. It had something to do with me and the Heavy Infantry continuing to flee inches ahead of the Barbarian Hordes and then something called a "Flank Attack" by the Militia. I am getting out of the Generalling business. I can always have them murdered if they get too popular.

Okay, well that was close! Archidamus nearly undid his general’s hard work. Will there be consequences? Has Appollonides’ earned a Triumph? Wouldn’t that be emberassing? Seriously, if you were the King, how could you give the speech without just dying of humiliation. Anyway, with luck, Archidamus won’t destroy his fragile new empire in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of House Eurpontid!

**comagoosie** · 21-04-2008 12:32

Barbarians seem to be the biggest threat in Rome. Let's see what happens.

**Chief Ragusa** · 21-04-2008 12:35

Whilst this may not be the first Sparta AAR, it is is most assuredly the first Byzantine one!

A Spartan King who can't command troops. Standards have fallen. The heir to the throne commanding a navy. What is this Spartan dynasty coming to? He'll be no good on land, either, will he? A few rousing '"This is Spaarta, ou, ou, ou!" will get the troops going. Those heavies can run fast. I suppose they have to be so they can catch the helots.

Hope you get those trade routes going and the money to sacrifice to the Gods. They get even more insuted when you havethe money and don't send some of it their way.

**Skarion** · 21-04-2008 12:45

Skarion: Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't read any manuals or anything. It took me a while to figure out the game does marriage for you, and the only reason I sent the army north was because I wondered if you could attack barbarians like you attack natives in EUIII...turns out you can't, but it also turns out Thracia is a really weak country!

All right. Just curious (as I dont own the game) how Paradox has simulated the hierchal system of Sparta that stopped them from expanding (as Sparta were barely able to keep control over their own territory and any expansion would have to be through tributuary states/allies).

You noticing anything?

**Alfred Packer** · 21-04-2008 12:51

Originally Posted by Skarion

All right. Just curious (as I dont own the game) how Paradox has simulated the hierchal system of Sparta that stopped them from expanding (as Sparta were barely able to keep control over their own territory and any expansion would have to be through tributuary states/allies).

You noticing anything?

I think they did it by giving Sparta almost no slaves, since all tax monies (or most?) seem to be based on possession of them (which would make sense, since they lost control of Messenia in the 360s) it makes Sparta a bit player right out the gate and boxed in by neighbors who can all actually afford armies.