The Adventures of House Eurpontid

[Alfred Packer]

Curse it, beaten as first Sparta AAR by 1 day! Oh well. I suspect the other AAR contains a competant player and glory for Sparta. You won't find that here. Nope. Here you will see shameless rip-off, misery, incompetance and probably the total destruction of Sparta within 5 years. Probably not even worth your time to read, to be honest.
Winner of the Q2 2008 Award for Favorite Comedy AAR
Winner of the 2008 Golden Caeser

House Eurpontid

Archidamus Eurpontid
b. 434 AUC, r. 474 AUC, d. 502 AUC
Episode 1 - Taking Stock, 1 January 474 - 20 January 474
Episode 2 - Groping for Glory, 20 January 474 - 17 August 477
Episode 3 - Generalling: Not for Everyone, 17 August 477 - 28 November 478
Episode 4 - Triumphs for Others, 28 November 478 - 28 August 481
Episode 5 - Spinning Wheels and Insulting Children, 27 August 481 - 31 March 488
Episode 6 - Gongs of War, 31 March 488 - 1 January 491
Episode 7 - A Very Special The Adventures of House Eurpontid, 1 January 491 - 5 March 496
Episode 8 - Opportunity Knocks, 5 March 496 - 11 January 502
Episode 9 - Achaea and Eudamidas Have Bad Days, 11 January 502 - 20 September 502

Alcetus Eurpontid
b. 477 AUC, r. 502 AUC
Episode 10 - My Two Wives, 11 January 502 - 12 March 505
Episode 11 - The Grapes of Wrath, 12 March 505 - 4 April 510
Episode 12 - Civil Disobedience, 4 April 510 - 8 May 518
Episode 13 - Flaming Gods, 8 May 518 - 28 October 522

[Alfred Packer]

Archidamus Eurpontid

King of Sparta


Taking Stock, 1 January 474 AUC to 20 January 474 AUC











Hello, I am Archidamus. I am King of Sparta. We used to be pretty big shots, but, well. Let’s just say our ship has sailed. For example, we don’t date from our big wins over Persia and Athens. We don’t date from our big losses to Thebes or even Thebes’ humiliating defeat at Macedon’s hands. No, our calendar is based on when the City of Rome was founded. I don’t even know where Rome is!

Not only that, but the King of Sparta, me, is an orphan.










Here is my son Eudamidas. He is more popular than I am even though he looks like someone just shot his dog. And I mean all the time.











Aannnd this is Sparta. Yeah, we don’t yell that anymore. Not since we lost all those great Helots. It’s not as easy to be warrior-heroes when you have to darn your own socks. Plus, our bottomless well caved in.











Even the hated Achean League has a larger army and richer lands. Well, they don’t know we hate them yet, but if we are going to restore glory to Sparta, we need enemies right?












Oh yes, I also command the army. All 1,000 of them.












My son commands our boat.











I would offer a sacrifice to the gods to get their support for my plan to restore Sparta to greatness, but we are so poor, our sacrifices would only insult them.

So, we are on our own.









My diplomatic initiatives are not off to the great start I had hoped for.

Poor Eudamidas. He was hoping we could use the wood to build a second boat.












Well, we do have one trade route. With my secret enemies the Achean League. I’m selling them the supplies they will need to raise effective Heavy Infantry.

I’m really not good at this.













This is my new wife Eirene. When you are King of Sparta, you can’t be too choosy.

Archidamus has set a worthy goal! Restore Sparta to greatness. However, is he the right man for the job? Is his son? Does it even matter? Join us next time as Eudamidas pretends not to be grossed out that his step-mom is younger than he is on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of House Eurpontid!

[coz1]

Another Sparta AAR. How did I know this would be a popular one. At least you don't shout it anymore. Good luck, AP. May the Gods be with you (when you can afford them.)

[Phax]

There is no such thing as too many spAARtans.

[Stroph1]

Sparta seems to be a challenge at the start.

Good luck!

[CountArach]

Good luck, I liked the 300 references.

[Berrrie]

In your universe, Sparta and its leaders seem rather... dull. Try to get something done with those losers...

I like this AAR already!

[pit]

mmm nice start

[General_BT]

Well, we do have one trade route. With my secret enemies the Achean League. I’m selling them the supplies they will need to raise effective Heavy Infantry.

I’m really not good at this.

Ah... classic Alfred Packer at his best! Hilarity is bound to ensue!

[Nimismies]

You should cap your army size at 300

[Jvstin]

The "300" references have made me laugh.

And the classic "I'm really not good at this"

[Fiftypence]

Very good.

[hjarg]

Hehee, thanks for the laughs. And sorry to hear about the well.

[comagoosie]

Haha, I have high hopes for the 2nd AAR about Sparta

Good luck you are probably going to need it.

[Gigalocus]

Kill all your kings till you get a Leonidas, have just 1,000 men, use attrition to get just 300 men, march north to the hot gates and beat Persia (Or Selucis or macedon) there and then! Who needs 25,000 hoplites??!

[Lord Durham]

I would offer a sacrifice to the gods to get their support for my plan to restore Sparta to greatness, but we are so poor, our sacrifices would only insult them.

I got a real laugh out of that line.

Good job. Really...

[Mike von Bek]

Heh, this looks like a good start - lets see where it goes

[Lord Valentine]

You've done it again Alfred! A great start! Especially liked the "Here is my son Eudamidas. He is more popular than I am even though he looks like someone just shot his dog. And I mean all the time."-line. Wonderful stuff

~Lord Valentine~

[Dakar]

Very funny AAR, I´ll be following it.

[Tayran]

I wonder if anyone might pull of a serious attempt of a Sparta AAR. I mean, even if someone tries, the thread will be so infected by 300 references that it will eventually follow that route anyway.