The Game (a German Mod-34 AAR)

[blue emu]

This will be my first attempt at an AAR, so I’m just going to play it for laughs. It will be a humor AAR... or at least, an attempt at one... using quintelosky’s Mod-34 for Armageddon v1.2.

To date, all of my humor writing has been for television, which is a completely different environment from the Internet. In particular, in TV screenwriting you get to bounce your ideas off your co-workers, work out all the bugs, and run them through endless revisions and re-writes before anyone actually sees them. From that point of view, this AAR will be very much a “first draft”, so you’ll have to bear with me. If it turns out that it isn’t particularly entertaining after all... a very real possibility... then don’t read it.

I will be playing as Germany, starting in 1934, with my country still almost completely disarmed by the Versailles Treaty. Since I’m still a complete noob at Mod-34... and since the point of the AAR is not to show off my “leet skillz”, but to entertain my readers and to showcase quintelosky’s excellent mod, the game will be played on Normal/Normal.

The format for the AAR will be pseudo-Multi-Player. That is: I will be playing a Single-Player game, but presenting it in the AAR as if it were a Multi-Player game, with most of the commentary provided in the form of a faked “chat-log” between the imaginary players. Each of these “virtual’ players will have his own personality: a sneaky, exploitive, untrustworthy Hitler (that’s me); a bombastic, ambitious, opportunistic Mussolini; a gullible, totally ineffectual “League of Nations” Secretary General, a ruthless, cynical Stalin... there will be serious gaming, role-playing, gamesmanship, cheesy exploits; all the different styles that you might encounter in a random group of computer gamers.

Let’s begin: it’s October 1934, and this is... The Game.

Index to game updates:

1st update
2nd update
3rd update
4th update
5th update
6th update
7th update
8th update
9th update
10th update
11th update
12th update
13th update
14th update
15th update
16th update
17th update

================= ================ ==============

Winner, 2008 Iron Heart Award for the best HOI-2 AAR of 2008.

[Myth]

A blue emu AAR! And it sounds excellent to boot!

[Herbert West]

A blue emu AAR! And it sounds excellent to boot!

You meant to say to U-boot, didnt you?:P

Anyways, good luck, Emu!

[blue emu]

Hitler (Germany): Hey, dudes... everybody ready to start?

Mussolini (Italy): Let’s do it.

George V (England): Bash on!

Stalin (USSR): Awww... my tech teams are morons.

Lebrun (France): Cry me a river... hey, I’ll trade you some of mine for some of yours!

Stalin (USSR): Lol, no thanks.

Hitler (Germany): C’mon guys, stop whining and play. I’m starting the clock.

...

Hitler (Germany): WTF?

Mussolini (Italy): What?

Hitler (Germany): Where’s my Army? I only got ten Divisions?



Lebrun (France): Lol. The treaty of Versailles, man. That’s what happens to losers.

Leopold III (Belgium): Ever seen Luxembourg annex Germany?

Wilhelmina (Holland): Lol.

Hitler (Germany): ... where’s my Luft-waffles??? I got no Airplanes?... this really bites!




Mussolini (Italy): So build some.

Hitler (Germany): Yeah, right. All I’m allowed to make are paper airplanes. I gotta tech up first.



Lebrun (France): You’re not even supposed to build them... it’s the Treaty, man.

Hitler (Germany): That’s a crock... you expect me to play with just ten guys and no Luft-waffles? LMAO...

Stalin (USSR): I though we were finished whining?

Hitler (Germany): Easy for you to talk, Mr. One-Hundred-Divisions... HEY!!!

Stalin (USSR): What now?

Hitler (Germany): Someone’s got one of my provinces! Who’s this white dude, and what’s he doing in my province? Get out!!!



Avenol (League of Nations): It’s... errr... it’s just a temporary League Mandate... until a vote can be taken.

Mussolini (Italy): Democracy is for weaklings!

Pilsudski (Poland): Ha-Ha... HEY! He’s got one of mine, too!



Hitler (Germany): That’s another one of mine! I don’t BELIEVE this crap...

Pilsudski (Poland): Like hell it is! Danzig is a Polish city.

Avenol (League of Nations): Gentlemen, please... we will be discussing the... errr... Danzig question at the next General Meeting. And... if I may say so...

Hitler (Germany): Say what?

Avenol (League of Nations): The... errr... the last time we all got together and did this, most of you ended up involved in a tragic and completely unnecessary war. I do hope that we can all work together this time, and peacefully settle any differences that might arise.

Hitler (Germany): [Team Talk to Mussolini] Who is this guy?

Mussolini (Italy): [Team Talk to Hitler] I dunno, man... just some weirdo that George met on-line.

Hitler (Germany): [Team Talk to Mussolini] Does he know that this is a war-game?

Mussolini (Italy): [Team Talk to Hitler] I don’t think he knows very much...

Roosevelt (USA): Awww... crap.

George V (England): ‘sup?

Roosevelt (USA): I got a Depression. This sucks.



Stalin (USSR): Lol.

Hitler (Germany): Maybe this white dude will give them a job helping him pack up his stuff... so he can GET OUT OF MY PROVINCE!

Avenol (League of Nations): ... errr...

Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): Woah, it’s contagious... now my dudes have stopped working, too!



Mussolini (Italy): If you shoot the ring-leaders, the rest will go back to work.

Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): That works?

Mussolini (Italy): It works for me.

Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): Maybe I ought to... HEY! Part of my country just declared war on me! Can they do that?



Lebrun (France): Awww... that looks like a real drag, man. Try to keep it on your side of the border, though.

Avenol (League of Nations): ... errr... I hope we can isolate this conflict, and perhaps even settle it by negotiation.

Jover (Catalonia): Hello... I represent the free people of Catalonia, and we would like to apply for membership in the League of Nations.

Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): No way! Are you nuts? You guys are gonna be annexed before he even gets the paperwork filled out!... now what? Partisans? WTF is going on with my country???



Hitler (Germany): Man, you’re really screwed... good thing nobody’s attacking you.

Mussolini (Italy): Lol, he’s attacking himself.

Hitler (Germany): Say, Benito... got any extra Rares? I’m running in the red already.

Mussolini (Italy): No way. I’ve only got, like... a few.

Hitler (Germany): You’re useless. Anybody? Anyone got some Rares to trade?

Chiang (Nationalist China): I do, but... uhhh... I’d need some help.

Hitler (Germany): What kind of help?

Chiang (Nationalist China): I’ll need help, like... digging them out of the ground. To start with.

Hitler (Germany): Cool... I’ll send you some engineers. Here.



Chiang (Nationalist China): Thx.

Roosevelt (USA): OK, everybody... big Naval Conference coming up in London.

Hitler (Germany): Cool...

Roosevelt (USA): Not you.

Hitler (Germany): WHAT???



Hitler (Germany): You pricks. I’m not gonna put up with this much longer...

[White Daimon]

Is Blue Emus humor worthless?

I don´t know, but I´m certainly going to stick around and find out

Good concept btw

[Laurwin]

well, bring it on! *subscribes already*

are you still going to feature some kind of visual representation of the overall situation in the game? What I personally found to be funny, was the way this Danish guy used speech bubbles for the German generals in the famous cartoon AAR.

I would prefer that to a simple chat log of course, but that's very time-consuming naturally. But you could ponder that and somehow integrate such funny pics together with the chat log, in such ratio as to keep the update rate of the AAR reasonable.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXN-hRh_rIY
just for the laughs, hopefully to fuel your inspiration, I just found it from youtube yesterday, it along with the other numerous Der Untergang parodies (like the CoH one for example) is just awesome.

this video is also a parody of this "du bist deutschland" campaign thingy which has its own original cheesy commercials somewhere there also.

BTW you can't use youtube tags to directly link to paradoxplaza forums I suppose?

EDIT: ARGGH bloody forums are indeed updating slower than a Maus heavy tank brigade would advance through siberia...

[Myth]

Ooh! Give each of the characters a portrait avatar that reveals their mood at the time!

And ahh, the Naval Conferences. I was just learning about those today in my Sea Power seminar

[theusje]

Very good start. Will be following this.

Good luck.

[Foxbat]

The Mod34 AAR and funny one too! Subscribed.

Good luck btw(especially with tech tree, got me confused couple of times ).

[White Daimon]

Cool. I press the submit button and when the server returns theres been an update

A good one even, I will clearly follow this

[Laurwin]

Indeed, an overall update on the techtree would be awesome, I'm kinda pondering about downloading this mod also , but I'd like some more info, especially on the gameplay side.

[blue emu]

Mussolini (Italy): I must protest to the League of Nations! The treacherous Ethiopians have attacked one of our forts at Ual-ual! This could mean war!



Avenol (League of Nations): Errr... please, let’s discuss this calmly...

Selassie (Ethiopia): But Ual-ual is in Ethiopia. You built your fort inside my country!

Mussolini (Italy): Ha! Then why is it called “Italian East Africa”? Hah? Answer that!

Selassie (Ethiopia): But you’re the only one who calls it that!

Hitler (Germany): No he’s not... I’ve always called it that, too. Just like Austria is usually called “Southern Germany”... right, Benito?

Mussolini (Italy): ... ah... I suppose... yes, that’s right!

Hitler (Germany): There, you see?

Avenol (League of Nations): They... errr... they have a point...

Selassie (Ethiopia): WHAT? No they don’t... are you nuts? You can’t give my country to this madman just because he makes up a different name for it!

Hitler (Germany): Sure he can.

Selassie (Ethiopia): Don’t push me, Mussolini... you’re not gonna just walk in and annex my country.



Avenol (League of Nations): Gentlemen, please... there’s no need for this.

Selassie (Ethiopia): Well look... either you get this nutcase to back off, or I will.

Avenol (League of Nations): I’ll... I’ll put it on the agenda for our next General Meeting. Please, if everyone would just stay calm...



Hitler (Germany): Say, Avenol, are you done with my province yet? Can I have it back? I want to redecorate...

Avenol (League of Nations): The... uhhh... the referendum is coming up in a couple more months.

Hitler (Germany): I don’t need a referendum. I already know that I want it back.

Avenol (League of Nations): If you’ll just be patient for a bit longer... I’m pleased to announce, however... that the League has made a firm ruling on the Catalonian conflict.

Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): Yeah? What a coincidence... so have we.



Alcala-Zamora (Republican Spain): Now for those friggin’ Partisans...

Hitler (Germany): Chiang! Where are those Rares you promised me? I sent you those engineer dudes months ago.

Chiang (Nationalist China): Well, I got some here for you, but it’s pretty slow going... we have to carry the Rares three thousand miles in wheelbarrows to get them to the ports.

Hitler (Germany): Sheesh! Can’t you build a railway or something?

Chiang (Nationalist China): Ummm... could you send us somebody who knows how to build a railway? It would really speed things up.

Hitler (Germany): OK, whatever... here’s some more engineers. Now get me those Rares, Chiang... my stockpile’s practically at zero.



Avenol (League of Nations): Excuse me... but the Saar referendum?...

Hitler (Germany): Yes? This had better be good...

Avenol (League of Nations): They’ve voted to rejoin Germany.



Hitler (Germany): Woo-Hoo! I got my province back... I mean, ONE of my provinces. What about Danzig? When do I get Danzig back?

Pilsudski (Poland): Lying dog! Danzig is ours!

Avenol (League of Nations): The... errr... Danzig question is still in the hands of the Special Committee.

Hitler (Germany): Fine, fine... Pilsudski and I can probably settle it just between the two of us anyway... heh.

Pilsudski (Poland): Yeah? You and whose Army? Ha-Ha...

Hitler (Germany): Good point... good point. We’re gonna need an Army, aren’t we?



Lebrun (France): Hey! You can’t do that!

George V (England): That’s not on, old man!

Hitler (Germany): Bite me, both of you. I just need a few Divisions to guard my borders. Relax.

George V (England): Well, I suppose that’s fair enough.

Lebrun (France): What? You upper-class twit! He doesn’t care about defending... he’s gonna build a huge death machine, roll across our borders, and crush our cities to rubble!

Hitler (Germany): Jeez, I’m not Godzilla. Take a pill, Lebrun. Tell you what... I’ll build mostly Militia. You’re not scared of Militia, are you?

Lebrun (France): Well...

Hitler (Germany): OK then. Sheesh... relax.

Chiang (Nationalist China): ... ummm...

Hitler (Germany): NOW what? Do you have more Rares for me?

Chiang (Nationalist China): Yeah, right here. That railroad sure makes it quicker... but... ummm... the Japanese are really starting to talk tough, over here. If they do invade us, I won’t be able to protect the mines. My Army is total crap.

Hitler (Germany): Well, what do you expect me to do? I’m on the other side of the world.

Chiang (Nationalist China): Send me one of your dudes to train my Army, and I’ll be able to keep sending you Rares.

Hitler (Germany): Mmmm... OK, deal. Take this guy. Here.



Chiang (Nationalist China): Cool, thx.

Hitler (Germany): Alright... next, I’ll need some Luft-waffles...WTF???



Hitler (Germany): Chiang, you bloodthirsty retard! Did you just kill that dude I sent you?

Chiang (Nationalist China): What? No! Why would I do that?

Hitler (Germany): How would I know why? Did you?

Chiang (Nationalist China): I said no! He’s fine... he’s right here, eatin’ some noodles.

Hitler (Germany): Well... is he chokin’ on them? Says here he’s dead.

Chiang (Nationalist China): That’s bullshit, man. He’s fine. I’ve got him teachin’ our kids how to shoot.



Hitler (Germany): Well... all right... but you look after him.

Chiang (Nationalist China): If...

Hitler (Germany): What?

Chiang (Nationalist China): If he did... like... choke on his noodles or something, would you send us two or three more dudes? We could really use...

Hitler (Germany): NO! You’re not getting any more of my guys.

Chiang (Nationalist China): OK, OK. Never mind.

[HannibalBarca]

This is great.

[Kaiser_Mobius]

This is awesome. You should throw in some l33t speak too.

Keep it up!

[BoemsiBoemsie]

this is pretty funny, Ill be following your AAR!!

[trekaddict]

You should throw in some l33t speak too.

This would be the beginning of the end for these forums.

[Myth]

Oh, that Mussolini! And that Chiang!

[Michaeru]

Keep it coming, this is great.

[Gabriel Anthony]

This reminds me of that old internet post about WW2 as an AOE multilplayer game which made me laugh every time I read it

found one version of it here

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/ar...s_20057151.asp

So far Emu has captured that very well, keep it up I find its funny

[wilegfass]

Looks interesting. It's better than any of my jokes.