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Thread: You Godwin son, and you lose some: A Family Saga

  1. #41
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Life's a bi... er, female dog at times, and so are Normans it seems.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  2. #42
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Well, see Maria? I told you I'd find a good purpose for ya, Western Slavic or not! And look, the old lug is lustful! How exciting for you.

    Take good care of your Uncle



    Ah, doing good deeds always puts things in perspective.
    I was laughing out loud all through this

  3. #43
    Topaz-Fisted Demi-God Moderator Mr. Capiatlist's Avatar
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    That's defiantly not the condition I left her in.
    Brilliant!!
    -Mr. Capiatlist (Ink well):

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  4. #44
    You
    God
    Win

    Some
    And
    You
    Lose
    Some


    A Family Saga









    For yonder past these slavic hills,
    And the strange seas I do not know,
    There is a land where a farmer tills,
    And the Anglo-Saxons do row.

    Oh my fair Anglo-Saxon land,
    You were the harp of my soul,
    A song played by no fairer band,
    Then one staffed by an Angel.

    And while I may never stand once more,
    On your hallowed ground,
    I better start making babies galore,
    or your face I'll start to pound!

    Er what, who high-jacked my song!?

    QUIET!

    Saxon Babies! Saxon Babies!
    Look left then look right,
    Saxon Babies! Saxon Babies!
    Are any in your loins tonight?!





    A Saxon heir! A saxon heir,
    What do you care?
    For your Saxon heir?

    Can you buy one on the beach?
    Perhaps from some strange leach?
    Or maybe steal one from your friend?
    Switch it with some mud-He'll never know in the end!




    What is happening!? Mom?!!


    Oh Dear sweet child of mine,
    Even for you I found the time,
    To get knocked up!
    To fill that cup!

    To raise you well,
    to give you love,
    And not let your father
    ever wear a glove.

    And have a Saxon heir,
    (Just look at all that hair!)
    But what do you care?
    For your Saxon heir?!

    Have you forgotten why you were brought here?







    The Anglo-Saxons, such noble men.
    Will be lost forever, to the Norman.
    Where was the heir, where was the king?
    Laying in bed, to his pillow he'd sing.

    The Anglo-Norman, the future will be.
    Where man will carry handkerchiefs,
    and to each other say "Oh Excuse me!"
    What a horrid doom that will befall our home.
    If for your sonless sins, you do not atone.






    ENGLAND WILL NEVER BE FREE,
    THE SAXON ERA IS OVER,
    FOR NOW ON THERE WILL ONLY BE ME.
    WILLIAM THE GREAT, CONQUEROR TOO.
    FOR ALL OF HISTORY - WILL FORGET YOU
    .





    Nooooo!
    Noooooooooooooooooooo!
    Father! Mother! What have I done?! I won't fail you..I won't! Please...

    Please...

    ...

    ...


    Courier: Sire? Sire... are you alright?

    Harold: Whaa..what is going on where am I?

    Courier: You're in your bed Milord. We heard you screaming. We thought perhaps assassins. But it seems you had a bad dream..

    Harold: A dream you say? Yes..yes..a Dream of course.

    ...

    Harold: Courier?

    Courier: Aye Milord?

    Harold: Cancel my plans for today, bring in the information about the newest Norman daughters.

    Courier: Of course Milord.



    I have work to do.








    -----
    Well that was freaky.
    (Don't blame me! It was his dream! I swear it)
    Last edited by MechTheDane; 03-05-2008 at 22:06.

  5. #45
    You
    ------God
    -------------Win
    -------------------Some
    /and you lose some.

    A Family Saga





    Swithelm: What did you call for dad?

    Harold: Gear up, I need to practice my archery, and I need a live target. I 'll need you...






    Harold: ..to help round me up some animals.

    Harold: ...

    Harold: Damnit






    What the..

    Well thanks I guess. (That's a little creepy)


    Back to more important matters.





    Ah my wife is ready!
    The strange thing is her mother looks exactly like my first wife. Down to the Apron-outfit.

    The sad thing is, her mom is probably younger then my first wife..would have been. All Norman girls look alike I guess.

    Courier! Make known unto the Count of Hampshire, I wish to wed his daughter. And will NOT take no for an answer.




    Ha, Normans. No back bone.

    Hmm, she's a little sick, but that wont slow me down. However she might not be the most comfortable, but really does that matter?

    I can't even remember the name of a single previous wife.

    How many have I even had? Meh, asking silly rhetorical questions like that wont get me anywhere.

    However on the topic of child-rearing...




    Looks like someone made a mistake, and now came home for dad to take care of him.

    Ah kids and their games.

    Sadly, on the note of becoming a grandfather...there is problem I can afford to no longer ignore.

    Courier, bring my book of Anglo-Kings, I need to spend some time alone with dad.






    Dad? You there? I have a problem.

    The Norman has been of child baring age for a little while now. And I've kept him wifeless. However very soon he will become the Count of Hereford.

    And he will then marry on his own, and maybe even produce children.

    Norman Children.

    I'd kill him now...but his current heir..is me. And once he has a new legitimate brother, I think that brother will be is heir, a Saxon heir.

    So I need him to live long enough to become the count, but I can never let him breed. What should I do? I'm at loss.

    ...

    ...

    Of course! I'll make him marry middle-aged women! It's perfect! Women who are just slightly past child-baring, and will live a long long time.

    You're a genius dad! I'll get on this right away!

    Courier!? I am done with this you can...wait..WAIT JUST A MINUTE..




    A NAVIE PUPPET MASTER?! "...as their own ineptitude is apparent to all.."

    WHO WROTE THIS! WHO WROTE THESE LIES?! My father...my FATHER got himself made KING OF ENGLAND! He DEFEATED the last true Viking KING!

    WHO WOULD SO BLIND TO HIS GREATNESS TO PUT THIS..THIS..sacrilege!!!

    DAMN you NORMANS! Damn YOU!!!

    Courier! Get this book out of my face, and burn it! And cancel our subscription to that book-club that sent us this.

    Sigh, we'll just have to make our own history.


    Get my coat, we need to go find The Norman a wife.








    The Mighty Siward, Earl of the North. He killed King Macbeth, stood a towering 6'7, and was a loyal vassal to true Anglo-Saxon kings. It seems his linage has also fallen upon hard times since the Norman invasion.

    He's Saxon daughter will do nicely though. If my failure of an heir refuses to be Saxon, we'll just surround him in Saxons..old nagging saxons. That'll teach him.

    Hmm..whats that Courier?
    She's PREGNANT?!
    YESSSSSSSSS! YES! Ha Ha! I knew God still loved the Godwinsons!




    While I was going through my new daughter-laws files, I realized she had one brother alive as well. Not wanting to see the heroic Siward dynasty die out, i offered him one of my Saxon daughters.

    He was soo happy for the chance to make children and re-establish his line..he moved into my castle.

    And started eating my food...and sleeping on my couch.

    ehhh.





    That pansy.

    Well now that he is dead I guess there is only one thing to do...





    Celebrate!
    Pagan Style


    All of this celebrating over the death of my worthless brother, has made my own sons realize something very important about each other.






    They want cause to celebrate as well.

    Ah Swithelm, ever since our pep talk he's wanted to do this. I want to do it too, Swithelm, but we need him alive for now.

    Sorry.







    ...


    *Left hand twitches*




    -----
    Ouch, sucks for him. He's getting old too!
    Last edited by MechTheDane; 17-04-2008 at 17:33.

  6. #46
    General saskganesh's Avatar
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    dream sequences.

  7. #47
    Captain Prussian_King's Avatar
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    Excellent. I really enjoy his heir troubles as I never get them.
    Past AARs
    Göttdämmerung-(1944)-A-Canadian-AAR - Abandoned due to corrupted save game
    Glory-Honour-or-Death-An-Australia-36-AAR - Abandoned due to apathy

  8. #48
    Its a Norman plot to fill your house with girls!

  9. #49
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    So what have we learnt from this? Well, that Norman women only produce Normans and girls...
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  10. #50
    And then marry them and breed good, God-fearing, Norman Billspawn.

    Edit: well, the timing of THAT was just a little awkward.

  11. #51
    Topaz-Fisted Demi-God Moderator Mr. Capiatlist's Avatar
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    Haha I know that feeling, just can't manage to get a male heir? Maybe you can change the succession law so it goes to the strongest son and not the first born... (Unless you've already done so or the Norman is the strongest son).
    -Mr. Capiatlist (Ink well):

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  12. #52
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Capiatlist
    Haha I know that feeling, just can't manage to get a male heir? Maybe you can change the succession law so it goes to the strongest son and not the first born... (Unless you've already done so or the Norman is the strongest son).
    Well at the moment, The Norman is the only son who can inherit period. So strongest son, or first son... he wins both contests.

    Harold will worry about succession laws when he gets some one worthy to succeed him. Thanks for all your comments though. They keep me going!

  13. #53
    Keeping the ship on course Kazmir's Avatar
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    This is just brilliant!
    Makes me want to play CK again, but I really need to get Deus Vult first, I hate the original one's interface.

    Please keep us updated, and soon.

  14. #54
    bezrodniy kosmopolit Morsky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MechTheDane
    Well at the moment, The Norman is the only son who can inherit period. So strongest son, or first son... he wins both contests.

    Harold will worry about succession laws when he gets some one worthy to succeed him. Thanks for all your comments though. They keep me going!
    Well, you could switch to elective law and grant one of your Saxon bastards some titles to make him strongest male vassal. Worked for me once, when my title was in danger of going to a different dynasty and the dissolute Lothario of a duke was on the verge of death.

    Nice AAR - comedy is the toughest genre of them all, and you're doing admirably well.

  15. #55
    Quote Originally Posted by Morsky
    Well, you could switch to elective law and grant one of your Saxon bastards some titles to make him strongest male vassal. Worked for me once, when my title was in danger of going to a different dynasty and the dissolute Lothario of a duke was on the verge of death.

    Nice AAR - comedy is the toughest genre of them all, and you're doing admirably well.
    Good thinking that. Don't worry though, I won't let poor Harold down.

    Thank you for compliment, but as I said before it's not a comedy! It's serious and critical drama about one families fiery rebirth!

    It just so happens to be funny.

  16. #56
    GOD WIN


    You
    Son
    And You

    Lose
    Some

    A Family Saga













    ...
    How you tease me fate!

    Huh?
    What is it courier? A letter for me?!






    Dear Esteemed Cousin, You are invited to attend little Alfred Godwinson's first Birthday. Our happy basket of joy is growing up! It would be most splendid if his Grandfather/2nd Cousin could show up for the party.
    As always, be sure to bring clothes you can get messy, as our darling child's lack of a jaw causes him to spew constant food and entrails out everywhere.

    See you soon! -Your Lovingly Slavic Daugter, Maria


    ..err I think I'm gonna be busy for that..
    Courier? Yes..just send my daughter...some gold..or something. I'll let you worry about details, I've had too many details for today.


    I wonder if creating a crime against nature upsets God.






    Point taken.






    ...
    I SAID, Point taken!

    ughghgh





    No more Normans, pleaaase. Just please...give me a Saxon son..






    Yes...yes perfect, now if we just place these here..add a line here and..
    *Creak*
    Harold: ..Hello? Who is there?

    Wiglaf: Is me daddy.

    Harold: Ah Wiglaf my boy! Do you need to fetch you another Norman Slave to play with? Your old one die on you again?

    Wiglaf: *giggles* Noooo daddy, last one still can walk!

    Harold: Well thats good I guess, kidnapping Normans is getting harder and harder. Well what did you need Wiglaf?

    Wiglaf: Daddy, wuts a bassard?

    Harold: A Bastard? Why? Where did you hear that.

    Wiglaf: Serlo sum utter kids were callin me it. Dey said I wasnt any goods like dem. Cuz I was bassard.

    Harold: Well. You know how daddy got a new mommie recently?

    Wiglaf: Smellys lady!

    Harold: Exactly, the smelly lady. Normans aren't very good at hygiene.. Whose got clean hands?!

    Wiglaf: meeeeeeee

    Harold: Thata son. Anyways when dad doesn't have any mommies around. Dad gets lonely and finds lots of nice mommies to..play with. Usually not smelly ones, but sometimes if daddys really lonely...even smelly ones.

    Wiglaf: Lots of Mommies!

    Harold: Yep. And one of those mommies and me played once, and when our game was over, you came! And that's also what a bastard is. It's not bad.. It just means that since we don't know who your mom was, that you can't get my toys when I die.

    Wiglaf: Dad has best toyss..no toys for serlo!

    Harold: Don't worry son, he'll never get any of my toys. Now you run along, and don't let those kids tease you.

    Wiglaf: okay! and daddy..

    Harold: Yes?

    Wiglaf: One day I wont be a bassard anymore. I be just like utter kids. You see.

    Harold: I'm sure you will son.








    !!!!!!!!
    Oh this is just getting out of control!
    Put her with the rest of them!

    Get my armor ready, some one is going to pay for this!





    *left hand twitches*

    For the loss of the son I should have had today. I will force an entire nation of Slavics to lose their sons!

    Attack! Godwinson Ho!


    And so our hero did wage a bloody and foul war against his neighbors. Killing and slaying males as he tore through the country side. He also had the male offspring of Bovine, Sheep, Rabbits and Horses murdered. Only when the conquered populations lay wasted and ruined before his feet in a sea of red thick blood that no imagination could fully realize, did he stop his crusade, and lament his failure to his people, his failure to his father, his failure to his cause.

    The scenes of that battle were so graphic, so intense, that we dare not show you them here, for fear that the internet itself burn up and fizzle out.

    So we skip ahead!







    Swithelm, my oldest Saxon son. You shall be a count in my land, take good care of your realm. Do me proud.





    Sverker, you're sorta a lazy bum you totally crashed at my place after marring my daughter.

    So..get out of my House.



    I hope by raiding, pillaging, burning and raping every ounce of living flesh in these pagan lands was enough to appease my merciful baby jesus lord God.

    I hope we're cool again.





    A non-incest ridden baby! I think that's a good sign for things to come.

    Good thing I skipped his brother's birthday though, since he's dead and all.

    Woulda been awkward.




    -----
    I know! I'm like "Wtf did i just read" too! But hey sorry, I'll do better next time!
    Last edited by MechTheDane; 18-04-2008 at 00:45.

  17. #57
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Woo, that even got a little deep.

    If you'd only change your succession laws to "Elective", that Saxon son-dude would outrule Serlo... And see it from the bright side, when you marry all those daughters with the juicy, Saxon names away, you'll boost any treasury...
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  18. #58
    You God Win Son, and lose some.

    A FAMILY SAGA











    Today The Norman approached me, with something he felt was very important.
    This was probably the first time I've ever actually spoken to him, in his entire life.
    He felt that the inheritance he thinks he is going to receive, should be divided up with himself.

    Apparently the idea of him having the throne all to himself was too much for him to bare, and he wanted me to share it with the rest of himself as well.

    This is why I don't talk to my Norman children.









    After that talk, I decided it was more important than ever to make sure he didn't reproduce.



    On the topic of reproducing...





    My wife hasn't been pregnant for like a year.

    So it's time for a new one.

    I wonder if her being my Spy Master Complicates things any.







    Nope.






    This is Eve, my former wife's younger sister. For some reason she is 21 and still not wed.

    I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.






    I know you're stressed. Your sister just died under unusual circumstances, you are marrying her controlling baby-demanding husband who is like 20-30 years older than you.

    But let me make it simple for you.

    As long as you make me babies, you live.

    So don't stress, don't worry about the big picture, just get to work. Okay?







    That's my Eve.






    Now tell me you didn't enjoy that!












    -----
    Has Harold lost his mind? Has his need for a Saxon Heir pushed him past the brink?! Will his murderous rampage know no bounds?
    I dunno.
    Last edited by MechTheDane; 18-04-2008 at 21:03.
    I'm quite hostile.
    Don't say I didn't warn you.

  19. #59
    Keeping the ship on course Kazmir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MechTheDane
    My wife hasn't been pregnant for like a year.

    So it's time for a new one.

    I wonder if her being my Spy Master Complicates things any.







    Nope.


    That must have been one of a hell to live with the Godwins if she is ready to assassinate herself.

  20. #60
    Henry VIII, that gluttonous descendant of Frenchmen, doesn't have a damn thing on a Godwineson.

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