You Godwin son, and you lose some: A Family Saga

[MechTheDane]

You Godwin son, and you lose some: A Family Saga
Written by MechTheDane

--The Harold Years--

EPISODE 2ish: Baby-Maker Shopping

EPISODE 3rd: Norman Invasion

EPISODE 4rt: Black Make Up

EPISODE 5teen: Peakabo-Pope

EPISODE 6ly: Wife-Strife: The Movie

EPISODE 7tre: Saxon Babies

EPISODE 8th: Brother's Keeper

EPISODE 9t: The Chinless

EPISODE 1Ø: Family Matters

EPISODE 11teen: Foot-prints

EPISODE 12teen: I did it for you dad

EPISODE 13teve: Bloody Couriers

EPISODE 14teven: Toddler Fight!

EPISODE Fünfzeen: Toys for Boys

EPISODE sEckszeen: No-Man Wins.

EPISODE 17teen: The 2nd Anglo-Slav War

EPISODE auchtsteen: Missionaries

EPISODE neuntsteen: The 2nd Anglo-Slavic War, Part 1

EPISODE Twentyteen: You My Good Sir are a Ninny-Face

EPISODE Twentynext: Harold vs. Russia A Battle of Giants

EPISODE Twooftwenty: Is that a Knife in your Back?

EPISODE 23rd: A Bastard's Story

EPISODE 24rd: GODWINSTON HO!!

EPISODE Twentyfünfgeshishnet: What Panzy-town Academy are you from?

EPISODE 26er: The Heir should have the Hair

EPISODE 20sleven: No More, Man

EPISODE 2eight: Bastard Sons and Worms

EPISODE 29ter: A Family Tragedy


--The Jean Years--


EPISODE 3º: A Trip Down-Town

EPISODE 31: It's All About the Ponies

EPISODE 32: A Man and his Skull

EPISODE 33: Why are we here Again?

EPISODE 34: Hunting with the Pope

EPISODE 35: And he Alone Stared into their Red Eyes

EPISODE 36: No Ponies in Hell

EPISODE 37: Neeeeeeeeeeehhh.....

EPISODE 38: My Name is Edulf

--The Edulf Era--

EPISODE 39: 600 Saxons and A Truck

EPISODE 40: Return of the Battlecry

EPISODE 41: So, what exactly is a little Leprechaun?

EPISODE 42: Well there are the camels...



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From obscurity, the cloak of history and the fog of the past, our family rose. No one's entirely sure where our family came from, which corner of Anglo-land we crawled out of. But it mattered not, for within 3 short generations we went from Thegn, to Earl, to King.

And yet all that was shattered into thousand pieces, a thousand false hopes, a thousand tears in one single battle, in September of 1066.
My father died, my mother fled, and a seeress told me the fate of my family was to embrace obscurity once more.

This is a fate I refuse.

This is my father, Harold the II of England.







And this is me, I'm Harold the III..of nothing. The king of Denmark's like our grand cousin removed a couple times or something, so mom brought us here.







This is my sister, Gytha. She thinks she's the boss of me, I tell her she looks like a mole.








My....cousin...the king attacks stuff. It's not all that important to me.







I guess I forgot to mention..my brother. His name is Ulf. (What sort of Saxon name is Ulf?!) I bet dad made him with a trash peasant. Dad was hardcore like that. Anyways, we're the same age, and take it from me, Army or not, he's a pansy.








Ah, it's about time. I've been hitting poor Niels Svendson Knytling with a wooden sword too long!







I just live in the Court. Which is boring, and also is why my life reads like a Slide-Show of someones vacation. Anyways! This is Knud Magnus Svendson Knytling, he has FOUR names. From the moment we met and he said them all, I knew we were destined to be pals.








This is my sister's boyfriend, I'm not really sure what he sees in mole face. Maybe she goes well with his club-foot.





He's the Marshall; I know this because she's told me..at least a million times now.







A rather successful one at that. All the kids at the Academy can't stop talking about our recent military gains.

[MechTheDane]

I told them my dad once was a great fighter. That dad once defeated and killed Harald Hardrada. That dad also beat up on Welsh and even nearly beat back the Normans. No one cared. And...Niels...that Niels...He told me my dad was nothing more than an intricate webweaver! Oh how I hate you Niels, my dad once was a King too.






See! I told you he was a pansy. That made me feel a little better.






Mole face and her boyfriend moved away to Mecklemburg. Finally.







MOM! No! Early retirement is NOT what it's cracked up to be.







Damnit! Who writes this stuff?! Well, still..not as pansy as Ulf...






Finally, my Cousin has made me a Duke. Now I don't have to show you pictures of my court and pretend it matters anymore.






Speaking of family album, it seems my sister up and died. Guess no mingling with the Knytlings.


We Godwineson's might be down, but we're not out! With my tiny land of loyal, hard working subjects... Nothing will stop me.






First, I need to do a little House cleaning though.

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Tune in soon for another exciting episode of, You Godwin son, and you lose some.

[MechTheDane]

You God Win Son, and You Lose Some: A family Saga







Me? I'm Harold Godwineson. The Scion of the Saxons, the self-proclaimed patriarch of Godwinesons. I'm currently the Duke of Pom...something. It's not important, what is important....re-taking England. So..let's see what's on the agenda for today..


Considering it was under the Papal banner that the Normans attacked my father...not really on good terms with the church.


Ah. My newly founded court seems filled with young unwed women, who apparently need some guidance from their hormone ridden leader. Wonderful.


Oh yeah, I'm part of Denmark. Sister's old boyfriend's now king. Good for him..not that I care. Because I don't. I'm Harold GODWINESON. Like anyone will remember the Kyntlings.


Oh yeah, I don't need that...my only claim...to fame. Literally. And who is calling me Non-Confrontational!? I'll show you confrontational!!!!!!


But first someone needs to paint my portrait. Speaking of which, now that the ladies can see for themselves my awesome likeness, and crazy 'Godwineson hair'. It's time to find myself a lady.


Ah Sibylla. What can I say, a pig-tail and silhouette kinda do it for me. But I'll check back later when you and some of the Norman girl's are a bit older. I'll need to find myself a nice NILI, or Norman I'd like to inherit.

That way I can do to the nice young Norman ladies what the Normans did to England. Mmm.

I really do need to produce a nice Saxon heir, with brilliant flowing Godwineson hair. The sort that blows in the wind as he dreamily stands over the white cliffs of dover, the red blood of norman invaders splattered against said cliffs, drizzly trickling down into the uncaring waves of the sea, as his squinty Godwineson eyes gloss over the ever-green hills of...
oh*cough* uhm... Lets..see what else is happening...


My pansy brother wants his hands on some of my sweet ladies, well screw you! Frikkn pansy Ulf.


Ulf's in Chelminskie, and mom actually runs Marienburg. It's just us Godwineson's here on the fringe!


I did mention I was surrounded by hot young unwed women right? That's no! No and No! These ladies are mine, and they will remain as celibate as I require.

Son

What the Hwæt!?

harold godwinSON!

Dad?!

Tis I by mine time to speakth to thine is short!

Dad...I tried to tell them you were the best! I've worked to become a Brilliant Strategist, I even cheated as Denmark just to get this land...

Yes mine son. Thou hast made me most proud. Unlike thine brother, Ulf.

Well..he tries...I mean

No, I've seen. He's a pansy. Totally.

Oh okay then, yeah well. Maybe it was when Uncle Tosig..

Make thyself mute, in mine presence for the ebb of light doth beckon my prompt return. Son, do not waste thy efforts on foolish horse-play, find a wife, make a saxon, and take power unto your name, so that the ills against our family might be redressed.

Of course..I'll redouble my efforts, I'll think of nothing but improving the family. But dad, I've so much to ask you so much to talk about...don't leave me. Don't leave me again. Please.

Look to thy family, and remember; Godwineson's always look after their own.

Dad...
.....dad....
...
I won't forget, I won't forget the man who murdered you!


It might not happen in my life time. Or in my son's, or even in my son's son's. But Billy, I'm coming for you. I will cut down the fruit of your loins as if they are defenseless trees in a quaint orchard, I will become the lumberjack of your destiny.
This is for dad.
-------------------

[Herbert West]

Umm. God lutefisk!

[General_BT]

Like anyone will remember Kyntlings.

Best line of the AAR so far!

This looks very interesting - Now that I see Harold's view of 1066, I'm actually rooting for the Godwinson's! Too bad he lost his claim on the Kingdom of England so early. Nonetheless, the Godwinson's shall push on - death to William the Bastard!

[MechTheDane]

Best line of the AAR so far!

This looks very interesting - Now that I see Harold's view of 1066, I'm actually rooting for the Godwinson's! Too bad he lost his claim on the Kingdom of England so early. Nonetheless, the Godwinson's shall push on - death to William the Bastard!

Thank you kindly, worry not my presenting style will improve..with practice.
But just like Harold, I shall not rest!

[phargle]

It might not happen in my life time. Or in my son's, or even in my son's son's. But Billy, I'm coming for you. I will cut down the fruit of your loins as if they are defenses trees in a quaint orchard, I will become the lumberjack of your destiny.

The lumberjack of your destiny. Hah. I salute you.

[Snugglie]

"The lumberjack of your destiny". Following, totally. Also, since I assume this is your first AAR (?); Welcome!

[crusaderknight]

A scion of King Harold II! I'm definitely following this! Death to those dirty Normans!

[kalenderee]

I'm with the good General. "Like anyone will remember Knytlings."

As an aside, Knud and his spawn have been HAUNTING my last few games. I wish I'd made them AARs.

But yeah, this one's pretty cool. Some nice turns of phrase and the perennial raging against the CK engine. Harold's delightfully bitter. As one would expect of the sworn nemesis of Bill the Bastard.

[MechTheDane]

You Godwin son, and you lose some: A Family Saga





My Biographer has made known unto me, that other such tales, stories and chronicles, in general fill up this space right beneath the title with important information about that episode. While intuiging, I reminded my Biographer that none of those others 'efforts', where about such a noble or fearsome family, as the Godwineson's, and thus other then this one time, I shall fill this heading area with nothing more than spaces. Spaces which silently utter my contempt for a world which has forsaken us Godwinesons. Each space is like a tiny note of hate.

After a few years of running Pom...er something. This happened. My Dukedom is about as exciting as a pond full of dead fish.





I hate to revert to having random friends information brought up to me for my inspection. But really...really have you ever been the Duke of Pom...er something?!

Apparently Ulf made a baby, which means i wont inherit his land. I bet his son grows up to be a pansy.


..Harold!!

Erm. I mean, now to find me a wife!




First there is Valdrade heir to Surrey county,
I hear if I bang her first, I'll get a nifty bounty!





Next to bat Sibylla a Norman through and through,
Although she has no mommy, I hope my seed slips through!





Or there is Marie De Sumer at the tender age of one,
You might think that she's small, but there's always time for fun!



So many Norman girls - not quite yet old enough,
I must make Saxon heir's while I give it to them rough!






So now that I have atleast a year to kill before I can get married, I decided to check up on some of my Godwinesons ancestors. This is Tosig, my uncle. He once had some land in England, but got greedy and dad totally smacked him down. He died then, but he does have some sons. One of which is alive.



If you call being a sick, lustful lonely old guy living. Pathetic.

Maybe I'll help him out later; Godwineson's always look after their own..







Damnit Count of Surrey! He had son, however with a name like that it took me a few moments to realize it. Normans, psh.
Give me a good Saxon name like Aethelweard any day!

Oh Valdrade if only you could have known,
The things I would have taught you,
The cries and calls you would moan,
When in our nuptial bed I bopped you.
How you would easily kill your brother,
And father if you could,
not to mention find a way to shank your mother,
To see what's under this Saxon's hood.







Since Valdrade was a let down, I'll marry my alternate..Sybilla! I'd sing a song about it, but... well... since were about to be married I really don't have to try anymore.

I must admit she's not all that bad looking either, her jaw's a little strong but I'l take it.

I also sort of like the whole 'oh I'm wearing an apron' thing she's got going on; kinky.





If you're wondering,what has been going on with my Dukedom in all this time I think I might have made a fishery or something Pom...er. Not missing out on anything there. And now that I have a nice fresh Norman girl, with nice fresh inheritances, I'll make dad proud.

Let's go Saxon HEIR!






Godwineson's Ho!

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Tune in next time... because well the story continues..and who wouldn't want that?

[Alfred Packer]

"Each space is like a tiny note of hate."

This is off to a smashing start. Great stuff

[General_BT]

This is a really wonderful start... I'm giggling so hard right now! The songs killed me!

[crusaderknight]

Harold is really quite a character.

I like his strategy of inheriting Norman lands. Perhaps this is how Harold and his heirs should oust the Normans. Instead of kicking them out, the Godwinsons can breed them out!

[saskganesh]

very entertaining. good work.

[MechTheDane]

Well thanks. Since you folks seem offal kind like, I'll just go and post another update.

Harold's a Shrewd man. He's filled with vengeance but he's also reasonable, he knows he has ways to go before he is ready to meet the Normans in head to head battle. Until then he'll just whittle away and bide his time. And use every resource at his disposal to get ahead.

[MechTheDane]

You God Win son, And you lose some: A Family Saga

My wife is Pregnant with the Heir to Hereford. My lands are prosperous. Things are going pretty well. I don't think they could get better.



Ha Ha! You see that? I challenged fate, and fate bowed before me. For things did get better, my wife turned out to be a real catch.

Soon my glorious heir shall be born, and the first bricks in the road to England shall be laid. (No, I refuse to make some sort of ill-tasting joke around the word 'laid', I am a Godwineson you cur!)




What's that? The Microwave ping! Let's take that baby out of the oven while he's hot.

A boy at that! Perfect, and his name is Serlo...

His name is SERLO?!?!

HIS NAME IS SERLOOOOOOOO!

...A NORMAN? YOU CRUEL WENCH YOU PRODUCED ME A NORMAN CHILD!

gaaah

NOT NOW GHOST-DAD! I need to think..

*left hand twitches*

Okay. I had a Norman son. It's cool. Accidents happen, right?
Yes, Calm down Harold - keep your cool, is no problem. We'll just the knock the wife up again, have a Saxon heir and force..Se...Seerr...The Norman into obscurity.

*left hand twitches*

We got this.
We GOT this.






See? The wife's popping them out left and right as it is.

Godwineson Ho!






But just incase, a plan B is always nice.







So...what you are telling me, is that you can kill the only SAXON child I currently have? Hell no! How about you do something productive like smother Se...
Like smother seeeer...

Like kill The Norman child.

*left hand twitches*







My 2nd child, my true heir! Oh wait..it's a girl. Well so long as it's a good Saxo...
..
What the HWÆT! A Western Slavic child?!

Okay Harold, it's cool. It's a girl anyway, you were bound to get one of those. Just means we've gotten all the non-Saxon out of her system. The next one for sure will be our Saxon heir.






That's my baby-maker. 3rd time's the charm you know. I wonder what I'll name him, perhaps Harold the IV would be the most fitting.

Child-making is waaay more stressful then I thought it'd be.










And my Third child was a beautiful baby daughter, not the son I needed..but atleast we're finally taping in to the Saxon genes. I'm not sure I could have survived another non-Saxon child.

Either way Ecgfrida, as awesome as you are, you're still a girl in a mans world. So me and mom are gonna head back to the "office" for another go.

You might notice it says I have 3 sons, well those are my two bastard boys. Insurance policy.









What can I say, I'm dedicated to my work?

Godwineson Ho!








Nnngng yes welcome to the family Eadwine, congrats on being Saxon and all that jazz. Go meet your sisters before I forget your name.

Okay this IS getting ridicules. I can only assume I'm being too gentle on my wife in the sack. I'm not a profressional scientist, or doctor. But I'm pretty sure gentle lovin' equal gentle children, which translates into girls and normans.

Therefore if I pound her all the way back to Normandy, she should produce me a rough tumbling male Saxon heir.


It's full proof.








Probably should have thought that through a little better.

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Oh no folks! Harold's still young, but his track record for Saxon heir's isn't going to great! Will the Godwineson's plan of sleeping into England back fire and end with their conversion into NORMANS?! Stay TUNED!

[crusaderknight]

Serlo = oh crap.
2 Saxon Bastards = Saxon sons who aren't worth much as they can't inherit.

Get to work Harold!

[Murmurandus]

Good start indeed...

[Snugglie]

What the HWÆT! A Western Slavic child?!

See it from the bright side, it's not Norman at least.

Bloody brilliant update.