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The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

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1444 - ... ... ... I got nothing.

Hakon II “Boaroktonos” Bardsson Crovan

King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars


Reflections on The Unfortunate End Of His Rule - Part 1, 1444





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In spite of an almost grotesque series of bribes, the Lord of the Lower Dnieper has rebelled against my rule. Usually, I wouldn’t care. That place is over-run with man-eating pagans and the Boar-Hunting is terrible. My whiney, non-Boar-Hunting heir (for now) Kolbein insists that if I keep letting the distant vassals slip away, I will eventually face rebellion from the more powerful, and local vassals.

Then he asked me how good the Boar-Hunting is in the gaol. That kid is such an ass. I asked him how things were going with his hot little wife. That shut him up.





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So fine, I decided to send a little group off to teach the Dnieper pagans a violent lesson in personal responsibility while I prepared to attend to more important matters.

It was then I discovered that Kolbein had waylayed my best Boar-Hunting Spear “Lucky Strike” and was refusing to give it back unless I joined the expedition. Some nonsense about the King and Emperor needing to show the nobles he can lead from the front. I reluctantly agreed.





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Which, of course, was the stupidest idea I have ever had in the whole of my life.

I have sent messengers to Kolbein directing him to dispatch 1000 pounds of solid gold, 10,000 stallions, 500 virgins and the deed to the whole of the Dniepr. If he doesn’t, I think they will eat me!






​






Well now, here is a dramatic turn of events! Hakon II captured…by cannibals! Will our fearless monarch find some way to charm his captors with his L337* Boar-Hunting Skillz or will he simply pay out the ass to avoid becoming fine cuisine. Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!


* The author, attempting to be hip with today’s youth. Sad isn’t it.
 
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If Kolbein is any sort of real Crovan, Håkon won't stand an ice bit's chance in hell to get out of this.
 
Snugglie: indeed, Kolbein is a true Crovan :)

Murmurandus: yep

pharlge: and fall they do.


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And now: someone once commented that "The Crovans and the true heirs of the Knytlings."

What this means to me is that, like any true Knytling or Crovan heir of any quality, I must predecease the King.
 
Sic Semper Crovanus.

Kolbein Hakonsson Crovan

King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of the Bulgars and Sicilians


The King Is Dead. What’s for Lunch, 1444-1452





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I hear dad was a little stringy. Well, he was getting old.





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Torgeir “Cannibal” Crovan, Count of Lower Dneipr is let off with a stern warning to not eat anymore of my parents. Look at him. So fat and happy.

I understand it was a roast.





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Far off Muscovy pledges eternal fealty to me. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they are completely surrounded by the only other power worth anything, Great Lithuania (last seen destroying the Mongol Hordes)





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And the Duke of Apuila pledges me.





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Which adds another title to my throne. Good lord, I don’t know what dad always complained about. Being King is easy as pie.





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I sent cousin Svein to Lower Dneipr as a special envoy to Torgeir.

I send all my heirless relatives to the cannibal.





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Now, as things wind to a close, let me give you a quick tour of the Crovan Empire. You like that? I think it’s got a nice ring to it.

You are, of course, familiar with the Imperial Heartlands.





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And here we have the German and Scandinavian holdings.






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And the French and English lands. That’s the Elrend-Crovans ruling over Ireland. Hah! Alsak-Crovans rock suckers!







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I only mention all of this because I am feeling nostalgic, you see.

The International Guild of Heralds held there convention in Constantinople this year and sent a delegation to my court to announce that Crovan Norway is the baddest nation ever.

Tell me something I don’t know Heralds.

​






And so it ends. Kolbein has murdered his father and fed several family members to his cannibal cousin, so at least we’re going out with some class. It has been a long ride and I am sad to see it end and thank all of you who followed along, commented and enjoyed the show along with me.
 
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A good ending,surely invoking a lot of nostalgia for any long-time reader of this. :) The Crovans went out in style. Well done!
 
The Crovans' have truly managed to leave Europe in an awful state. How many European kingdoms still exist as you enter EUIII, four?
As others have said, a good ending.
 
Alfred Packer said:
I send all my heirless relatives to the cannibal.​
Click to expand...

Another classic. :D

Congratulations on finishing the first part of this wonderful AAR and even more congratulations on this finish. It sets the tone perfectly for the things to come.

Roll over, Wu Tang.. Here comes the Crovan Clan. :D
 
jordarkelf: thanks and that is true...CK really thrashes Europe something good.

Snugglie: Feeding his father to his cannibal cousin? I think that marks the one thing I did not steal from phargle :)

phargle: that behemoth is Rurikovich Lithuania...that was kind of strange that they both ended the same day...mine would have finished a day earlier, but I was feeling lazy.

Eams: there are several "kingdoms" (Like Germany - consisting whooly of the Island of Corsica), but as far as real solid nations: Spiderweb-like Bohemia and Milan cover huge areas of Germany and France. Ireland is mostly a solid country. England, though split in half exists alongside a very powerful Welsh Duchy. And, of course, Lithuania.

Sokraates: :) Glad you liked it...I've played out Kolbein's reign and begun his son, but I'm pausing for a game of HOI to clean my pallate before moving into Crovan2 (plus, I need to work on the style a bit - I won't change it too much, but I need to find a way that works well with EU)


--------------------------

Coming soon: Dynasty Wrap Up (appropriately, like the 1st idea for this AAR, the last idea will also be stolen from phargle)
 
Alfred Packer said:
Eams: there are several "kingdoms" (Like Germany - consisting whooly of the Island of Corsica), but as far as real solid nations: Spiderweb-like Bohemia and Milan cover huge areas of Germany and France. Ireland is mostly a solid country. England, though split in half exists alongside a very powerful Welsh Duchy. And, of course, Lithuania.
Click to expand...
About that, are those yellow counties sprinkled out across Sweden and Norway Milanese? Or Turkish? :D
 
demokratickid: Yes, part I has ended...Part II should be interesting

Eams: Both, I think. I know the turks wind up sprinkled everywhere (along with Tunisia and Triopli)

phargle: you can be Fabio.
 
Wrapping things up, Part I

Using Dynastic Glory 3.3, I have uncovered some rather interesting Crovan Stats. In Part I, I'm going to look at the Over All and Individual Medalists from all the clans:



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In the Team Piety competition, the Rurikovich Clan of Lithuania came out on top, thanks to early boosts in their Crusades against the Mongols and, of course, the conversion of all Russia to the Holy Catholic Church. The Crovans finished a dismal fourth, failing to medal, probably because of all the excommunicates and Heretics...oh and murderers.



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Interestingly, Kolbein the father-slayer has captured Gold in the Individual Piety Competition while Bard II, uber-Crusader failed to medal and the Rurikovich Clan is nowhere to be seen.




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In the team Prestige competition, the Rurikovich Clan once more took the gold with the Crovans falling narrowly into 4th, once again failing to medal.



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The Individual Prestige competition was a Crovan Sweep, but filled with Upsets: Thurcytel the wife murdering do nothing captured gold. Skule, who lost most of Half-Dan's conquests to rebellion, captured Silver, and Eadbert, whose claim to fame was dying childless and unloved after a failed blood-feud with his own brother captured the Bronze, shutting Bard II out of the medal standings.

An interesting top 10 finisher was Anges Knytling, who stole most of Scotland from her son and stabbed him in the back.



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In the Team Glory Competition, the Rurikovich Clan continued their Group Gold Sweep, although the Crovans managed a Silver. They never did work well as a team.



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The Individual Glory competition contained one last upset. While Thurcytel and Eadbert went 1-2 at the top, a Rurikovich managed to squeek into Bronze, denying Bard II his last shot at a medal.

Interestingly, the serial-wife-murdering Thurcytel captured gold, and his last wife, the serial-husband-murdering Asta managed to squeek into the top ten!

How glorious indeed.
 
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Highly interesting, although the most awesome Crovan lords remain the ones that never got close to this sort of glory. :p Ah, Gudrod, Aslak, Ossor, the old days...
 
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Seems Thurcytel is the über-Crovan... :cool: :D
 
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