1444 - ... ... ... I got nothing.
Well now, here is a dramatic turn of events! Hakon II captured…by cannibals! Will our fearless monarch find some way to charm his captors with his L337* Boar-Hunting Skillz or will he simply pay out the ass to avoid becoming fine cuisine. Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
* The author, attempting to be hip with today’s youth. Sad isn’t it.
Hakon II “Boaroktonos” Bardsson Crovan
King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars
Reflections on The Unfortunate End Of His Rule - Part 1, 1444
In spite of an almost grotesque series of bribes, the Lord of the Lower Dnieper has rebelled against my rule. Usually, I wouldn’t care. That place is over-run with man-eating pagans and the Boar-Hunting is terrible. My whiney, non-Boar-Hunting heir (for now) Kolbein insists that if I keep letting the distant vassals slip away, I will eventually face rebellion from the more powerful, and local vassals.
Then he asked me how good the Boar-Hunting is in the gaol. That kid is such an ass. I asked him how things were going with his hot little wife. That shut him up.
So fine, I decided to send a little group off to teach the Dnieper pagans a violent lesson in personal responsibility while I prepared to attend to more important matters.
It was then I discovered that Kolbein had waylayed my best Boar-Hunting Spear “Lucky Strike” and was refusing to give it back unless I joined the expedition. Some nonsense about the King and Emperor needing to show the nobles he can lead from the front. I reluctantly agreed.
Which, of course, was the stupidest idea I have ever had in the whole of my life.
I have sent messengers to Kolbein directing him to dispatch 1000 pounds of solid gold, 10,000 stallions, 500 virgins and the deed to the whole of the Dniepr. If he doesn’t, I think they will eat me!
King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars
Reflections on The Unfortunate End Of His Rule - Part 1, 1444
In spite of an almost grotesque series of bribes, the Lord of the Lower Dnieper has rebelled against my rule. Usually, I wouldn’t care. That place is over-run with man-eating pagans and the Boar-Hunting is terrible. My whiney, non-Boar-Hunting heir (for now) Kolbein insists that if I keep letting the distant vassals slip away, I will eventually face rebellion from the more powerful, and local vassals.
Then he asked me how good the Boar-Hunting is in the gaol. That kid is such an ass. I asked him how things were going with his hot little wife. That shut him up.
So fine, I decided to send a little group off to teach the Dnieper pagans a violent lesson in personal responsibility while I prepared to attend to more important matters.
It was then I discovered that Kolbein had waylayed my best Boar-Hunting Spear “Lucky Strike” and was refusing to give it back unless I joined the expedition. Some nonsense about the King and Emperor needing to show the nobles he can lead from the front. I reluctantly agreed.
Which, of course, was the stupidest idea I have ever had in the whole of my life.
I have sent messengers to Kolbein directing him to dispatch 1000 pounds of solid gold, 10,000 stallions, 500 virgins and the deed to the whole of the Dniepr. If he doesn’t, I think they will eat me!
Well now, here is a dramatic turn of events! Hakon II captured…by cannibals! Will our fearless monarch find some way to charm his captors with his L337* Boar-Hunting Skillz or will he simply pay out the ass to avoid becoming fine cuisine. Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
* The author, attempting to be hip with today’s youth. Sad isn’t it.
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