Eadbert Thurcytelsson Crovan
King of Norway and of Serbia, called “The Mover”
Reflections on the middle years, 1367-1370
Lancaster sets a rebellion record. Not for speed, but for pointlessness. I mean, I gave him those lands specifically so that I would never have to worry about the place.
For the record, I am still not worrying about it.
And here is why: This is my new Kingdom of Norway and Serbia. I found that a good way to end your vassal problems is to simply destroy all of them. Of course, I can’t rule this whole place myself, but now I can take my time and put people I know I can trust into positions of minimal power.
For example, my dear son Edwy, whom you’ve never met before. He is now Duke of Athens. See that cute little mug? He won’t be betraying his pop!
I promoted the loyal Count of Naissus to the Dukedom of Viden and my trusty and beloved brother, I made him Duke of Dyrrachion. You will note, however, that no one has a power-base strong enough to threaten my grandmother, let alone the whole kingdom.
There are, of course, a few problems involved in ruling over a nation of heretics. I can only see one way out of their demands and that is to kill peasants until they accept Jesus. Then we will all share the same faith.
This is really annoying. I lead my troops into battle one lousy time and I get stabbed. And does it heal? No, of course not. It festers and swells and gets so red it glows.
And now this green gunk is oozing from the wound. The doctor says I shouldn’t worry because it is merely the residue demons leave behind when fleeing from the body, but I have my doubts.
My advisors have advised me to abandon my claim to the title of Essex. I was shocked.
Who the Hell thinks I
want Exeter. I swear, it is easier to dump a clingy, drunk woman than it is to dump Norway and England.
The Phillipopolians have requested forced conversion. I am happy to oblige.
Hmmm…maybe we didn’t kill enough of them?
Imagine my surprise when I learned that the Duke of Lancaster and 600 men sailed all the way from England to Norway…well…not Scandinavian Norway, but Crovan Norway. You know, the place I rule over, not the geographic location. I mean, the people up in Scandinavia are Norse, true, and the people down here are Greek and Slavs…definitely not Norse at all. I mean, hell, I’m not even Norse…anyway, the Duke of Lancaster invaded my lands with a comically small army.
I sent the sheriff to arrest them.
So Eadbert has ended his civil wars rather quickly…or has he! Tune in next time when Wiglaf annoys the King, we get a picture of a Crovanless Scandinavia and someone gets murders. Who is the lucky victim? Find out on the next exciting episode of