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I can't help but suspect that Bard's vassals sat and went:
Bard-bashing Vassal 1:"Should we rebel against him?"
Bard-bashing Vassal 2:"Nah, rebellion is like sooooo 13th century!"
Bard-bashing Vassal 1:"I know, let's drag him into a foreign war and have him lose the rest of England!"
Bard-bashing Vassal 2: "Why Bill, that's a fabulous idea!"
 
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Murmurandus: Alas, your words of wisdom went unheeded (much to the regret of Bard's eternal soul!)

Sokraates: :)

jordarkelf: thanks! (also, i need to get off my duff and install the DVIP...it looks really cool)

Eams: Something tells me you are right


Hey! I just realized that I've crossed the 10,000 view mark...plus there are 400 posts in here and I'm about to post the 90th episode.

Good Times!
 
1331-1332

Bard Skulesson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark



Wefwections on his weign, 1331 – 1332





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Once again, Count Oswald of Suffolk offers a fabulous bribe. Once again, we accept.






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The Duke of Ostergotland surrenders. I think I get the pattern now.




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Plundered twice this war, the Duke of Norfolk accepts peace.





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The King of England accepts a White Peace so he can go back to focusing on things that matter – such as losing the British Isles to the Muslims, again.





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I brought the news to King Bard, only to discover his new illness has made him more incomprehensible than usual.

“Dwis wis gweawt news, Owgmwud. Wewee weeawwey nweeb do fwockwus won wouwwr idwernaww endemwies.”

I told the Royal Council he ordered me created a Knight of the Realm.






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Our attempt to bring the rebel Duke of Norrland to heel was almost suborned by the Pope, who tried to force Bard to accept peace with Norrland, which is completely unreasonable.

I didn’t even bother to tell King Bard that I refused the Papal Nuncio’s orders out of hand.






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I really haven’t gotten around to telling him he was excommunicated as a result of my taking the initiative.




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The Chancellor just caught the plague, which scuttles the idea that power is proof against plague.


It also seems ugliness provides no protection either.






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The Duke of Cornwall just rebelled, but honestly, no one cares.







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I feel some guilt over the fact that King Bard has acquired intestinal worms because there is some chance that God has spited him with these worms as a result of his excommunication, which, of course, he is still unaware of.




It seems God has no sympathy for Bard Crovan! Tune in next time when we see what exciting new misery can be inflicted upon everyone’s favorite Invalid Monarch on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
 
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Poor Bard. He started out as one of my favorite Crovan characters, actually. He had a lot of potential and since he didn't start in a civil war you had the opportunity to develop his character from the very start.

But by introducing Ogmund, Bard was simply killed storywise and I have the feeling that you yearn to have him dead gamewise as well. Maybe you should have opted for a less difficult to read speech impediment (though I'm one of those who find the one you chose excellent and funny), like only exchanging the every "r" for a "w". "King of Nowway" would have given you some excellent puns.

It's a shame wasting good characters. I hope you do better with Wulfhere. Have you noticed, by the way, that his name sounds like someone was calling a dog?

"Wulf! Here! Here, boy! That's a good boy! *pat* *pat* *pat*"
 
Sokraates said:
Poor Bard. He started out as one of my favorite Crovan characters, actually. He had a lot of potential and since he didn't start in a civil war you had the opportunity to develop his character from the very start.

But by introducing Ogmund, Bard was simply killed storywise and I have the feeling that you yearn to have him dead gamewise as well. Maybe you should have opted for a less difficult to read speech impediment (though I'm one of those who find the one you chose excellent and funny), like only exchanging the every "r" for a "w". "King of Nowway" would have given you some excellent puns.

It's a shame wasting good characters. I hope you do better with Wulfhere. Have you noticed, by the way, that his name sounds like someone was calling a dog?

"Wulf! Here! Here, boy! That's a good boy! *pat* *pat* *pat*"

I hate to say it, but you are quite right. I had real high hopes for Bard, becuase a lot of odd things do happen to him in rather quick succession. I totally blew it with his impediment - I made it too hard to read - and then when I saw negative feedback I changed direction totally. Which threw the whole thing off course. So that was two mistakes in Bard's reign which torpedoed him altogether.

Frankly, I do yearn for his death for just that reason (of course, the game itself ended on January 9th): I feel like I totally wasted an opportunity for a really good character. Still. He's not dead yet and there may be a chance to recover something before he passes.

Wulfhere will be better - in fact, the Slesvig Line as a whole has several monarchs with very solid potential -
 
Alfred Packer said:
Wulfhere will be better - in fact, the Slesvig Line as a whole has several monarchs with very solid potential -

Read: They're as coocoo as the average von Habsburg (there is a very good book on this subject). Bring 'em on! :D

Regarding negative feedback: you also received positive feedback on your implementation of Bard's impediment. Besides, the Nay-sayers are always the loudest. Phargle also received negative comments for writing in iambic pentameter but that was it.

I'm eagerly waiting for the next episodes. Somehow I have the feeling Ogmund will not act as Bard's voice much longer, once Bard finds out about his excommunication. :)
 
"Whisper words of wisdom... Let it be..." ;) :p :D
 
Sokraates said:
Read: They're as coocoo as the average von Habsburg (there is a very good book on this subject). Bring 'em on! :D

Regarding negative feedback: you also received positive feedback on your implementation of Bard's impediment. Besides, the Nay-sayers are always the loudest. Phargle also received negative comments for writing in iambic pentameter but that was it.

I'm eagerly waiting for the next episodes. Somehow I have the feeling Ogmund will not act as Bard's voice much longer, once Bard finds out about his excommunication. :)

I do need to clarify, by negative feedback, I don't think I got a "this sucks," but rather "hey, I can't read this," the over-correction was my fault. the posters in here have always been great and I always appreciate the comments.
 
Alfred Packer said:
I do need to clarify, by negative feedback, I don't think I got a "this sucks," but rather "hey, I can't read this," the over-correction was my fault. the posters in here have always been great and I always appreciate the comments.

Can we at least hope that Bard dies while hunting a murderous predator that plagues the land (there's such an event, IIRC) with his famous last words being "Be vewy vewy quiewt, I'm wooking for a wabbit" :D
 
Eams said:
Can we at least hope that Bard dies while hunting a murderous predator that plagues the land (there's such an event, IIRC) with his famous last words being "Be vewy vewy quiewt, I'm wooking for a wabbit" :D

Yep, those were the lines I thought about posting as a comment to Bards first appearance. The correct quote is by the way: "Shhhhhhhh..., Be wewy, wewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits ..."

Alfred Packer
: People read THE Bard and the English have even stared to teach Chinese in school. So it shouldn't be any problem to understand someone who speaks "innovative" English, for Peter's sake.

And I dare anyone to say otherwise. *Hurriedly runs to an easily defensible position and activates automated defenses*
 
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After much sould searching (or rather, after a cup of coffee and an hour of writing an update) I am ready to move on.

Bard is going to be Bard. I am going to write him as I envision him. To assist those unable to read the incomprehensible jargon will not suffer either, well...read the update, you'll see what I mean.




Once I post it, of course.
 
1332-1333 - in which the author loses most of his audience

Bard the Incomprehensible (also, the Second Heretic King) Skulesson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark



Wefwections on his weign, 1332 – 1333

A Special Note: Some readers have voiced concerns that attempting to understand King Bard’s Speech is as enjoyable as stabbing oneself in the eye with a power drill.

For these readers, I will henceforth supply Closed Captioning of Bard-Speak.

When you have no idea what Bard is saying, simply scroll down a bit and the humble author will supply an explanation (it will be colored like this).





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Once again, it is I, Sir Ogmund von Starchshirt, Knight of the Realm, Voice-box of the King and, of course, your humble narrator. Today, I bring more good news. The Duke of Norrland was killed in battle. As you may know, 5 year old boys are pretty easy to bully, so his son the new Duke quietly rejoined the fold.






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And the plague continues. I've decided to send Bard to Durham for a convalescence. I hear the air is quite healthy out there!

---------------
Swomefwing is wotten in de state of Nowway. I hewld a pwivate mweeting wif de Chancewollwess. She says I have bween excwomm... excwommmuniccckkkk..exww.

I've been bwanded a hewatic!

It sweems Ogmund maybe up twow swomewfwing nefwee…nefweeee…
bad.
Awlso de Chacewollwess hwacked a woogie own me. I fink she is sick.

(King Bard is expressing concerns that Ogmund may be up to no good. Also, he just found out he is excommunicated. He has not yet found out the Chancelloress has the Plauge)





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Excellent. I do not need to send him away after all! The Chancelloress did the dirty work already...and it was even an accident! I am sorry to turn on Bard. He has always been good to me. But you see, the Council of Nobles (excluding Wulfhere) have made an interesting proposal. It seems they have tired of living under a Crovanocracy. Since Bard has made the Kingship elective, a few would like to try an Ogmundocracy!

The best part: Since I will be attempting to overthrow a known excommunicated heretic, I have the Pope’s blessing!

Well what did you expect? As a Knight, I have become a vassal of the Crown and there are certain duties and expectations that come with serving the Crovans.

----------
Weww pwewfect. Now I hawve the pwague.

Newevewer the wess, I wiww not bwe kwept in the shadows any wongew. You know he made himswewff a Knight!

(Bard now realizes that he has the plague. Also, he has decided to take a more active role in the running of his realm. He is annoyed that Ogmund has claimed a Knighthood.)





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Oh dear. Duke Arne has jumped the gun. He was supposed to wait until after I met with Bard this morning and slipped hima knife in the gullet along with his morning tea. Duke Arne's Herald storming into Viken Castle and demanding I replace the "dead King Bard" on the throne has somewhat compromised the whole scheme.

Oh well, the jig is up, so I must bid you
adieu. I am off to join the nobles in their uprising.

Doubtless you will see me soon enough, when, as King Ogmund, I can resume my discourses with you.

----------
I was wight! Ogmund has betwayed me! A webeweewwwl Duke has decwaww…decwaaawww…de…*sigh* named him my successwor and King!

Ogmund wan off to join them too!

Pwoor fwoowl. Evweyone knows not to twust a Vwikwing Duke!


(Having discovered proof that Ogmund has betrayed him on the advice of some nobles, King Bard expresses sorrow for poor Ogmund. The nobles, you see, are rather untrustworthy.)





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Foowish nobwels. It is obvwious Wuwfhwee…Wuwwfff…the Saxon was meant to be King. See, his vwassals alweady webel against his wuwul…wwuuuu…his cont-wool.


(Because Wulfhere has chronic vassal problems even as a Duke, it is clear to King Bard that he is marked out by God as a true King of Norway)






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A cwevwer twick, since no one is in Vwestfwowd! Cwurse you Ogmund!

(Bard has decided that Ogmund is somehow behind the destroyed Civilian Harbour in Vestland. Despite the messenger's insistance that "enemy troops" destroyed it, there is no evidence of an army in the province at all)






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Duke Awne is wet bwack in the Kwingdom. I guess he weawized it twakes mwowee…mwovewvw…you can’t ovewthwow a King wif onwy 800 men.

(Duke Arne learned the hard way that being a Duke doesn't make one a "Great" Vassal.)





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And now anothew Cwount decwawes Ogmund King! This time it is the Cwount of Tavasts.

Pwobabwy not the out-powring of suppowt Ogmund was expwecting.

(The Count of Tavasts is weak and useless. Ogmund won't get the throne if only the crappy vassals back him.)






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Now Sodewmanwand joins the webewllwls…the weebbewwwe…the webweewwoouus.

Fwuck it. You know what I mweant.

(Yes, we do.)







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Hooway! The Chuwch of Nowway has decwawed suppowt fwor me, in spwite of the Pope! This is a special occwassion as the Chuwch has nwevah suppowted a Cwovan bwefwore.


(The Church of Norway has decided to defy the Papal Ban and support Bard as the true King of Norway. Don't ask me why.)




So Bard has reclaimed center stage. Clearly, the author has gone mad. Of course, the fact that he now has the plague probably limits the number of readers who could be lost to his incomprehensible ramblings. When will you get sick of reading this tripe? Hopefully not before you read next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan in which King Bard makes a curious discovery about Viken Castle!
 
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Eams said:
Can we at least hope that Bard dies while hunting a murderous predator that plagues the land (there's such an event, IIRC) with his famous last words being "Be vewy vewy quiewt, I'm wooking for a wabbit" :D

There is indeed such an event, it claimed the life of Duke Gudrod back in Episode 4. I so wanted that to happen again.
 
HwoowAYYY! Bawd's back!

From King Bard's return speech:

King: "Yo! Whwew mwy dwogs wat!"

Crowd: "Bawd! Bawd! Bawd! Bawd! Bawd! Bawd!"


Did you ever notice how the name on King Bard, (mis)pronounced the way he does, sounds like dogs barking? No? Now you do. :D

Thank you, Alfred Packer! Great idea with the "explanations".


Alfred Packer said:
Fwuck it. You know what I mweant.

(Yes, we do.)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
Bard the Incomprehensible is so pathetic he's enjoyable... ;)

But I, poor reader, needed to hire a translator to understand him as the 'commentator' is clearly biased... :p :D
 
Glorious! Truly glorious. Bawd indeed seems to lack some nuts in his case, or is it just the speech impediment? Anyhoo, the explanations add another dimension to his rambling. Marvellous.
 
Snugglie: As of Episode 91 - both!

kalenderee: ask and ye shall recieve

jordarkelf: truly, he is the Ubercrovan. I like that.

Chilperic: no problem!

Murmurandus: and also strangely durable.

Sokraates: And thank you, Bard's Uberfan.