The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England of Scotland of Ireland and of Wales


Thoughts on the Civil War – the early years, 1279 (age 13)











Marshal Erlend reports that, for a priest, the Archbishop of Brittany sure seems to like killing people. I think the Marshal needs to be worrying more about winning his battles and less about the morals of an admitted rebel.










Okay, so up until now, the Scandinavian vassals have been quiet. I though this was because they were more loyal than the shifty Irish lords or those jerk priests. It would appear I was mistaken.









The Duke of Galloway’s Herald stopped by Viken Castle to officially declare me deposed and announce the Duke’s claim on the throne. This is probably the most tedious part of being King. I don’t think I’m allowed to just kill Heralds (although I do plan to ask around) and the speeches when their bosses rebel against me are long winded and dull. I mean, I get it, the Duke of Whatever wants me dead, you know. Just wrap it up already.

I’m thinking about having the Royal Scribes come up with a form letter/ mailer I can just send out to all the vassals. It would go something like this:



Dear Skule, Pretender to the Throne: (I like this opening better than the nasty remarks they make in person)

This letter is to inform you that the (circle 1)( Duke Earl AB Count ) of _____________
Has formally claimed the throne of (circle all that apply) Norway Sweden Denmark England Wales Scotland Ireland.

I will be making war on you until such time as:

a) You are defeated and turned into a pig-farming serf
b) You are defeated and executed
c) I only have 50 – 150 soldiers, so I will probably lose, but it seemed like a good idea when I sent the Herald.

Warmest Regards,


_____________ the (circle 1) (Duke Earl AB Count Other) of ____________________












It appears that trying to tackle all the rebels at once isn’t working. I guess I need to just focus on the British Islands and then tackle the rebels in Scandinavia.

Added bonus: the now traditional “Dance of the Rebel Duke” is in full swing in Cornwall, where he is oh so subtly laying formal claim to many of my territories. Gosh Cornwall. What could be the reason for that, you know, since your liege lord owns those territories?

I just noticed one of the Scotch Lords is rebelling, just very quietly. I’m onto you Earl White-Animal (maybe)-on-Scarlet-Background, or whatever your name is.










The Count of Kola has just bought himself out of the Kingdom of Norway. If only all the rebels with giant piles of gold laying around could get cold feet!











The Duke of Gloucester sent in the first Form-Letter rebellion. I think he even filled it out for himself. When his rebellion is defeated, I will spare his life for this courtesy.











Yet another Bishop and also a French Count have rebelled. The bishop was disappointing in that he not only didn’t return a form letter, but didn’t even send a Herald. Instead, he announced his rebellion to the people of Vastergotland when his army arrived there.

On the plus side, Bishop Inge is no Half-Dan on the battlefield. What I mean is that he is not a great warrior. He is short. Not as short as dad, but I think you get the picture.











The Duke of Norfolk just returned his form letter today and, while I’m not happy about his wanting to kill me, I do have to compliment his penmanship.










Huh. Maybe those Bishops aren’t acting alone. Could the Pope really hate the Crovan family? Why else would he send home one of my armies when all they are doing is suppressing usurpers.











A Frenchman strode boldly into Viken Castle today announcing that an army of nobility, the flower of France had arrived to serve their King in this time of need. He announced that even if the Counts and Dukes of France wished me ill, the people and lesser nobles did not. This army, he declared, would announce to the world how much the French really want to stay under Norse rule.

I have to admit, I was really impressed and kind of emotionally overcome. I mean, here was an army of loyalists, and they are from the people. I thought I might even save my French domains, since the people loved me so.

Then we reviewed the “troops.” It didn’t take long.

There were only 75 of them.

I think I’m getting a headache.

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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England of Scotland and of Wales


Thoughts on the Civil War – the early years, 1279 again (age 13)











In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one, the Duke of Cornwall sent in his letter of Rebellion.










The Duke of Norrland rebelled in the old fashioned way, through a very insulting Herald.

Once that was done, one of my advisors came in to let me know that peasants were rebelling in some of the provinces. Then he gave me this disappointed look, sighed and shook his head saying “you know, sire, we’ve been at war a little too long don’t you think?”

Yeah, like all this was part of my master scheme.











Oh man, even Finn is rebelling. At least, as a Crovan and holder of the Duchy of the Western Isles, his claim is based on something realistic. Then again, as Duke of the Western Isles, I know for a fact my chambermaids outnumber his armies.











This is perfect. One of my loyal-yet-stupid vassals has decided that internal warfare just isn’t exciting enough, so he’s decided to bring in other fun countries for us to battle.

By the way, a certain holier-than-thou advisor went to the gallows this morning. No shit we’ve been at war to long. Jerk.










This is crazy. If my vassals aren’t in active rebellion, they are busy starting wars all over the world. I hate them all.











My psychologist told me that even if it isn’t strictly “legal,” executing the Duke of Atholl’s Herald would be very therapeutic.

He was right.











Okay, so I can finally check “suppress Duke of Ulster” off my To Do List. That only leaves 2 dozen more rebels to crush.











But first, in a moving ceremony, I made Alfwold de Montfort, Lord of the Swamps of Tir Eoghain the new Duke of Ulster.

I was making a speech in which I planned to loudly extol the virtues of my Emerald Island Kingdom, but all I could come up with was that there weren’t many legless reptiles or croaking amphibians. Also, the swamps kind of smell bad. Plus, these guys rebel like constantly and its not like they are filling the old tax coffers with gold. Really, Ireland is nothing more than a drain on the soul of anyone cursed to own the place.

By the end, I just gave Alfwold the whole damn Kingdom. He tried to refuse, but I called no backsides.










Once again, I have called the Estates General. Much to my surprise, they still had plenty of gold to hand over, especially once I made it clear that army units were being quartered in all of their houses unless I got enough money to quarter them in the houses of much poorer people.











This may come as something of a shock to you, but some of my vassals have decided to rebel! I know…how strange!

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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England of Scotland and of Wales


Thoughts on the Civil War – the middle years, 1279-1280 (age 13)











Marshal Erlend pulled off the rare overwhelming victory against the rebels. The celebration was somewhat dampened when word reached us that the reason Erlend was fighting so few rebel troops is because the others were busy seizing lots and lots of my personal lands.











The Archbishop of Brittany finally accepted the same peace terms I have been offering him continuously over the last few months: namely to surrender to every one of his demands.

Apparently there is a quota of required rebellious vassals because the Duke of Strathclyde immediately rebelled.











And apparently that quota has just been kicked up a couple of notches.











Now Trondelag joins the rebels.











As do Uppland and Cumberland. The only truly loyal family has been the House of Anonymouscommander. Without the scions of that line to lead the armies, I don’t know what I would do.












Until now, I’ve been avoiding a general mobilization, for fear of antagonizing my remaining loyal vassals.

I’ve decided on a policy shift. I’m going to go ahead and raise those feudal levies. With any luck, I at least get a few months use out of the troops before their lords rebel.











Word reached me at court today that Marshal Erlend was killed leading his armies in battle.

While the Marshal will be missed, no one man is more important than the Kingdom. A new Marshal will take his place.











Or would have. Courtiers seem to be fleeing Viken like rats from a sinking ship.

See mom! This is why I wanted to join the army instead of go to Court School!











Maurice and Torgils, two men whose very names strike terror into the hearts of their enemies, have decided to let me use their troops, at least until they need them for more violent rebellion.












Today, a Herald arrived from the Count of Rugen. He declared the Count’s undying love and loyalty for the Crovan Dynasty. He announced that the army of the county was at my service until such time as the vicious rebels against my God-ordained throne were all destroyed.

The Herald standing behind him in line – curiously also wearing the livery of Rugen - seemed somewhat shocked during his speech and his face kept getting redder and redder. He was clearly embarrassed.

When the first Rugenite Herald completed his speech on my virtues, I permitted the next in line to speak. He rather shamefacedly ran up to the throne and thrust a form letter of rebellion into my hands from the Count of Rugen.

The whole court enjoyed a good laugh over this delightful miscommunication.


Except for the Heralds.


They were executed.

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Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England and of Wales


Thoughts on the Civil War – the middle years, 1280 (age 14)











The Civil War continues pretty much as usual in England, with my armies being decimated and my lands being seized and pillaged by my crappy ex-vassals.










Now the Duke of Berwick has sent in his Letter of Rebellion. Since his troops were the backbone of the so-called Army of Scotland, this probably does not bode well for me.









A Herald for the Count of Torzhok stopped by the court to issue his formal letter of rebellion today. I immediately figured someone was playing a prank on me – you know, I’m so hated even make believe countries rebel, so I laughed and laughed. I mean seriously? Torzhok? That is so obviously a fake name. The Herald got really upset and spent like an hour trying to convince me that not only was Torzhok a real place, but that his liege lord was planning to seize my throne even now.

I asked him if the Count of Torzhok’s army included pixies and faeries. The Herald got mad and stomped out.

I don’t know what courtier thought of this delightful prank, but it definitely made my day a little brighter.













But the good vibes did not last. As usual, the bad news came from across the pond.










Frankly, I’m tired of dealing with the Scotch, so I’ve decided to hand dominion over them to one of father’s more violent and cruel bastard sons Pal. It is no more than they deserve.











I am starting to see where my future lies. One rebellious Norwegian vassal falls to my armies while another one shows his loyalties by sending me troops.

News from England remains the same.











Good Lord, that Duke of Cumberland is a military dynamo! He must be descended from the Anonymouscommander clan. They are, as you know, a warlike bunch.











Once again, victories in Norway are matched with yet more treachery abroad. I hope you Poitiuvians speak Muslim because I sure won’t be saving your butts when Mosul comes calling.










And here we have the first piece of good news in England for quite some time: Cornwall has fallen to my conquering armies.











I swear. It feels like this year is never going to end.

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