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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #181

  2. #182
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    I can't wait to find out what vital truth Beli is hiding - I wonder if it has anything to do with a national deodorant crisis in Scotland or something?
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  3. #183
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Farquharson
    I can't wait to find out what vital truth Beli is hiding - I wonder if it has anything to do with a national deodorant crisis in Scotland or something?
    I know! I'm waiting with baited breath myself (maybe a toothpaste shortage?)

  4. #184
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    1208-1216

    Hakon Skoftesson Crovan

    King of Norway



    The vacant musings of the later years, 1208-1216











    Little Inge came to me today and demanded the title of Chancellor. *sigh* He’s all grown up too. I can’t believe those stupid giant collars are still in style. I really thought that fad would pass quickly.

    I went ahead and made Inge Chancellor. What could it hurt?










    It actually hurt quite a lot, since none of the other chancellors took him seriously with his idiotic shirts, so I made him Duke of Trondelag to get him out of my hair.










    Some courtier claimed that I fathered her child, which it total nonsense. Although dearest Astrid is gone, I am still faithful to her.











    My son Gunnar just had his first child! He named the boy Daniel, after some guy from the Bible, but Dan is such a runt I suggested he be called Half-Dan. Gunnar laughed and we shared a good moment. I left wishing him luck fathering a decent sized heir next time.

    Two weeks later, I’m talking to a courtier and he starts telling me this story about how Gunnar decided to call his boy Half-Dan on account of how small he is. Somehow I never came up in the story.

    Damn you Gunnar, that was my joke!










    Jamtland and Herjedalen voluntarily joined Norway today. This would have been a more prestigious occurrence if not for the fact that both had been part of Norway before and only left through violent rebellion, but whatever. They’re back for now.











    You know what. I really do miss Astrid. I know. Nothing funny about Clinical Depression.











    I hit upon a novel idea for liberating England from the Saracen Yoke. Rather than raise up armies and march over there and fight, which is a lot of bother and seems to only produce vagabond kings living in my stables as an end-result, I have decided to find a local English Lord who is fighting the local Spanish Moors and simply give him lots of gold to help with his war effort.

    In theory, it was a brilliant plan. In practice, he took some 4000 pounds of gold in subsides and fled with the cash to some sea-side resort to live out his days in decadent luxury. Meanwhile, his demesne was overrun by Heathens.











    Haldor the Gimp has decided he would make an excellent Chancellor. I’ve decided to let him try in spite of his "trendy" clothing choices.

    You see, the council meets on the third floor of the castle and I think we can have great fun placing wagers on weather or not Haldor is able to make it to cabinet sessions before they end.











    My cousin Audun was given a medal for heroism today. He personally uncovered a vile plot by his 13 year old son Bjorn to overthrow the crown and install a regime of Yard Gnomes and Walruses as the new overlords of Norway.

    It would have been nice if Audun hadn’t killed the boy, because I think he must have misunderstood something about the plot, but still. That kind of loyalty can’t go unrewarded.










    The Papal Nuncio popped by to ask me if I would be joining the latest Crusade his boss was proposing. He asked all menacingly, so I don’t think he’ll be taking “no” for an answer. I proposed that I go on a little Crusade right here in Norway by burning and pillaging some pagans for the Lord.





    Uh-oh, it looks like the Pope is expecting Norway to do some big things in the Crusading world and I don’t know if a pillaging of Vasterbotten will count! Another clash between Pope and Crovan? Will Hakon finally find the Inner Crovan Steel and defy the Catholic Church? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  5. #185
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    The Pope? How many divisions has he got?

    And will some cardinal glares burn like lasers?
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  6. #186

  7. #187
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1216

    Hakon Skoftesson Crovan

    King of Norway



    The vacant musings of the later years, 1216











    The Papal Nuncio made it perfectly clear that what the Pope expected was for me to personally lead the armies of Norway on a Crusade to liberate Constantinople from the Turks. Or Else.

    I checked with the Royal Cartographers and they have assured me, in no uncertain terms, that Constantinople is by the Mediterranean.

    Well crap. An oath is an oath.










    *hurk*








    Wow, Hakon really takes his oaths seriously! Was Spain really that bad? Maybe it’s because he misses dear Astrid. Whatever. He was a lousy king anyway. Maybe Gunnar will prove a more interesting monarch. We’ll find out soon enough on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  8. #188
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Marvellous ending of this here last one. Wonder how this Gunnar-person will do.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
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    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
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    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  9. #189
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglie
    Marvellous ending of this here last one. Wonder how this Gunnar-person will do.
    if he's anything like his predecessors, I'm sure it will involve failure, infidelity, and rebellious vassals!

  10. #190
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1216-1217

    Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

    King of Norway



    Reflections on the early years, 1216-1217











    To celebrate the fact that I am the first Crovan since Gudrod himself, our progenitor, to rise to the rule after reaching adulthood, I have decided to grant my old titles to my brother Haldor the Gimp.










    I would like to compare my two sons. Here, we have my son Half-Dan. I was going to name him Dan, but as you can see, he is so tiny that he only needs half a name. Clearly, this lad would make an awful king.

    Also, I made that joke up about his name myself.










    This is my other son Grim. Now Grim. That even sounds like an imposing and Kingly name. Who on Earth is going to cross King Grim, Lord of the Vikings? Yes, clearly this lad is marked out for greatness.











    The problem of Half-Dan’s older age is quickly solved by first sending him off to Church School, thereby removing him from the circles of power.










    And then by making Grim the Count of Telemark. I am happy to not be a Telemarkite, subject to the whims of a three year old overlord. I’m sure Grim will have great fun there. He even has soldiers to order about!











    The Vasterbottians just offered me an obscene amount of money to end a war that dad started and I forgot about! I’m not even going to ask where they found that much gold in their ice-encrusted, wind-blasted wasteland of a home. No, I am simply going to pile it all into the vaults and do a merry jig. I shall call this jig the “Money-Dance.” You can do it too: Simply hop about in small circles, with your hands raised above your head.

    Good.

    Now open and close your fingers much like the pincers on a crab…what you are doing is grasping at the money raining down all around you.

    Now sing “Money! Money! Money!” as you do this.

    Now, if you have 5,000 pounds of solid gold recently given to you by an unsuspecting Pagan Prince desperate to hold his lands, have a slave – a trusted one mind you – stand on a high balcony and rain gold down upon you. That gives it an extra-nice touch.

    I recommend using very small coins, penny sized or smaller, as those Byzantine gold coins can damage limbs.











    This is Magnus MacLeod, the direct descendant of Skofte McLeod and living proof that the MacLeod Clan still has a lock on the most awesome names in the universe. Somehow, through six generations, this family has remained in control over some part of Iceland, although now he is a direct vassal of Inge Stencil-Kitten.











    Who, as Lord of Varmland, is contractually required to rebel at the earliest opportunity.











    I married Maria Knytling today. The union of the Crovan and Knytling Clans is a long-standing one, with many of the Crovan men taking Knytling brides. Part of that tradition, unfortunately, also involves cuckolded Crovans, murderous wives and treacherous mothers. On the plus side, she is a hottie. Also, I guess I should mention that my old wife, whats-her-face died, making this all possible.










    I don’t know who’s been raising Half-Dan these last seven years. It just occurred to me that he might like his own room and maybe someone to look out for him and make sure he is eating properly. Since he is already in Church School, I have simply sent him to Church Boarding School.





    Well, the Vasterbotten Crusade had a happy ending and any succession issues have been neatly taken care off. Gunnar’s reign seems to be off to a nice start, but will it stay that way? Murder Stalks the Royal Court, New SpyMasters are hired, and Gunnar quickly turns his KILF into a MILF on the next action-packed episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  11. #191
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    Great update! I have high hopes for Gunnar's reign. If nothing else the Money Dance is surely convincing proof of his suitability for the job!
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  12. #192
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    Quote Originally Posted by Farquharson
    Great update! I have high hopes for Gunnar's reign. If nothing else the Money Dance is surely convincing proof of his suitability for the job!
    The money-dance competition should have been part of the elections for Holy Roman Emperor

  13. #193
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    1218

    Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

    King of Norway



    Reflections on the early years, 1218











    Maria is clearly fertile, as our newest son Ale proves.










    I have taken Austisland from Magnus MacLeod, this is a fitting punishment for fighting alongside Inge the Traitor.










    For book-keeping purposes, I have appointed another Magnus to rule over Austisland.











    All I demanded was Varmland, he could keep his desert holdings, wherever they are, but Inge says no. I even offered him money.










    Audun strikes again. You may recall he “thwarted” a plot on the King’s life and executed his own son a few years ago. Well, today, we found Bishop Egil slow roasting over an open fire, Audun basting him with a tangy barbeque sauce. Audun insisted that the Bishop had committed suicide and he was merely trying to administer last rites to the fallen priest.

    I found this claim highly unlikely, but decided to letter the matter drop for now.











    Little Grim wanted a Duchy of his own for his birthday.











    After giving it some thought, I have decided to make Audun the Spymaster of the Kingdom. After all, sometimes the Spymaster has to do some dark and twisted things and, well, Audun seems up for that sort of thing.

    Plus, it can’t hurt to stay on his good side.











    I met this pretty little wench at the pub last night and we hooked up. I snuck back into the castle at 4 in the morning and pretended to have been up all night with insomnia. What are the odds Maria will find out?











    Oops. Pretty good, it would seem.










    And here is my newest legitimate son Magnus. I don’t know. Magnus sounds like a real manly name, plus he can count on rulership over Iceland in the future.





    Okay, well it wasn’t as action packed as I first led on, but still, pretty interesting things happened: A Bishop was in fact murdered and the murderer, rather than being punished, was added to the Royal Council, and Maria did have several kids, so, you know, it wasn’t all lies in the last teaser! And you better believe this teaser: Join us next episode as Audun launches a Royally Sanctioned Murder Spree on the next gruesome episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  14. #194
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Holiday Schedule Update

    Okay folks, Christmas vacation is upon me, so for those of you who enjoy regular updates of the Crovan Clan and also for those of you who enjoy sporadic updates of Jerusalem - that would be RGB - (these will come faster in the new year), have a great Holiday season.

    I update the Crovans at work when I first get in - hence the regular Monday through Thursday updates. Our office will be closed beginning tomorrow and not reopening until January 7th. When at home, I have two small children and a wife who eat up a significant portion of my free time and, add in Christmas, and there will be even less, so updates will be sporadic during the break. From the 25th-the 2nd, my family and I will be off skiing, so there is a pretty slim chance of an update appearing then.

    I do have the next 6 episodes ready to go (pics loaded to photobucket, post sitting in Word docs), so if I do get a chance to hop online, I will push out an update.


    Otherwise, I wish you all the best, enjoy your holidays, for those of you of legal drinking age in your various locations, have a happy New Years!

    Thank you all for reading and enjoying. Frankly, seeing that I have made someone smile makes all of this worthwhile.

  15. #195
    The White Rose of York Rex Angliae's Avatar
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    Alfred, You've certainly made a lot of us smile. You output is prolific so your upcoming absence will leave a gap but also give us time to read other works! Who knows, I may even get to the pub........(do bears sh*t in the woods??) Thanks for all the wonderful upates; have a good break, enjoy the skiing. Don't keep us waiting too long.
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  16. #196
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Yes, you've certainly made a lot of us smile. The escapades of Gudrod and his spawn has gotten my mood back on track after many a late night of homework, and it is always enjoyable to read a new update.

    So merry Christmas to you, Packer. And I guess that the rest of your readers, along with me, also say hello and merry Christmas to your wife and children!

    (Good luck with the skiing, it's a hard art. Me myself, I've always failed it.)
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  17. #197
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    Yikes! No Crovans for over a week! OK, I can make it. I'm telling myself I can make it... No, but really, no pressure - have a great holiday!
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  18. #198
    Happy Holidays Alfred....can't wait to get the latest on the Crovans.

  19. #199
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    Have a nice vacation Alfred and concerning the skiing, break a leg
    Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
    -R. D. Laing-

  20. #200
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Rex: thanks and happy holidays

    Snugglie: and Merry Christmas to you (and congrats on your Major Award!)

    Farq: well, here is a slight repreive!

    Rastak: same as for Farq!

    Iudex: Har har smart guy!

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