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    The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

    This is the story of a family, the Crovan family and their many adventures in Europe, but then, if you have read the title, you are already aware of this fact. The Crovan family loyaly served the Kings of Norway until they were treacherously betrayed by the treacherous sons of the late treacherous King.

    But that will be a story for another day. For today, the Crovans are a small-time family with big-time dreams. Some of them will make it, some will not. Some will be eaten by bears. This is their story.

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    Codex Crovanus, Volume I (1066-1452)

    Click on a Ruler to go to the page their reign begins, or to read the Episodes individually, click on the Episode name!


    Gudrod Haraldsson Crovan, Duke of the Western Isles
    b. 1047, r. 1066, d. 1085
    Episode 1 - Ruminations on the first years of his rule, 1066-1070
    Episode 2 - Ruminations on the middle part of his rule, 1070-1079
    Episode 3 - Ruminations on the latter part of his rule, 1079-1085
    Episode 4 - Ruminations on the end of his reign, 1085

    Erlend Gudrodsson Crovan, Duke of the Western Isles, the Hammer of Leinster
    b. 1070 r. 1085 d. 1114
    Episode 5 - Reflections on the years of his minority, 1085-1090
    Episode 6 - Reflections on the early part of his rule, 1090-1094
    Episode 7 - Reflections on the early middle part of his rule, 1094-1103
    Episode 8 - Reflections on the early middle part of his rule, 1103-1105
    Episode 9 - Reflections on the middle part of his rule, 1105-1111
    Episode 10 - Reflections on the latter part of his rule, 1111-1113
    Episode 11 - Reflections on the end of his rule, 1113-1114

    Ossor Erlendsson Crovan, King of Norway, Sword of the Lord (self-proclaimed)
    b. 1111 r. 1114 K.o.N. 1140 d.1142
    Episode 12 - Ruminations on the early part of the Regency, 1114-1119 (ages 3-8)
    Episode 13 - Ruminations on the middle part of the Regency, 1119-1123 (ages8-12)
    Episode 14 - Ruminations on the early years, 1124-1128
    Episode 15 - Ruminations on the early years, 1128-1130
    Episode 16 - Ruminations on the early years, 1130-1131
    Episode 17 - Ruminations on the early years, 1131-1132
    Episode 18 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1132-1136
    Episode 19 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1136-1139
    Episode 20 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1139
    Episode 21 - Ruminations on the later years, 1140
    Episode 22 - Ruminations on the later years, 1140-1142
    Episode 23 - Ruminations on the later years, 1142

    Skofte Ossorsson Crovan, King of Norway, the Heretic King
    b. 1133 r. 1142 d. 1180
    Episode 24 - Grumblings about the early years, 1142-1143
    Episode 25 - Grumblings about the early years, 1143-1144
    Episode 26 - Grumblings about the early years, 1144-1145
    Episode 27 - Grumblings about the early years, 1145-1147
    Episode 28 - Grumblings about the early years, 1148-1149
    Episode 29 - Grumblings about the middle years, 1149-1153
    Episode 30 - Grumblings about the middle years, 1154-1158
    Episode 31 - Grumblings about the middle years, 1159-1163
    Episode 32 - Grumblings about the middle years, 1164-1168
    Episode 33 - Grumblings about the middle years, 1169-1171
    Episode 34 - Grumblings about the later years, 1171-1173
    Episode 35 - Grumblings about the later years, 1173-1174
    Episode 36 - Grumblings about the later years, 1174-1176
    Episode 37 - Grumblings about the later years, 1176-1179
    Episode 38 - Grumblings about the later years, 1180

    Harald "the Brief" Skoftesson Crovan, King of Norway
    b. 1170 r. 1180 d.1181
    Episode 39 - Memories of the only years, 1180-1181

    Hakon Skoftesson Crovan, King of Norway
    b. 1172 r. 1181 d. 1216
    Episode 40 - Regency Dreams - Caitilin's Reflections, 1181-1185
    Episode 41 - The vacant musings on the early years, 1186-1189
    Episode 42 - The vacant musings on the early years, 1190-1194
    Episode 43 - The vacant musings on the middle years, 1195-1203
    Episode 44 – The vacant musings on the middle years, 1204-1208
    Episode 45 - The vacant musings on the later years, 1208-1216
    Episode 46 - The vacant musings on the later years, 1216

    Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan, King of Norway
    b. 1189 r. 1216 d. 1223
    Episode 47 - Reflections on the early years, 1216-1217
    Episode 48 - Reflections on the early years, 1218
    Episode 49 - Reflections on the middle years, 1219
    Episode 50 - Reflections on the middle years, 1219-1221
    Episode 51 - Reflections on the later years, 1221-1222
    Episode 52 - Reflections on the later years, 1222-1223

    Grim "the Ill-Advised" Gunnarsson Crovan, King of Norway
    b. 1213 r. 1223 d. 1226
    Episode 53 - Reflections on his reign, 1223-1226

    Half-Dan "the Man" Gunnarsson Crovan, King of All Norway, Sweden, Denmark, England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales,
    The Terror of the Moors, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)

    b. 1210 r. 1226 d. 1267
    Episode 54 - Ruminations on the early years, 1226-1227
    Episode 55 - Ruminations on the early years, 1228-1230
    Episode 56 - Ruminations on the early years, 1230-1234
    Episode 57 - Ruminations on the early years, 1234-1236
    Episode 58 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1236-1240
    Episode 59 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1241-1244
    Episode 60 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1244-1248
    Episode 61 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1249-1252
    Episode 62 - Ruminations on the later years, 1252-1256
    Episode 63 - Ruminations on the later years, 1256-1263
    Episode 64 - Ruminations on the later years, 1263-1267
    Episode 65 - Ruminations on the later years, 1267

    Skule Half-Dansson Crovan, King of All Norway, Sweden and Denmark
    b. 1266 r. 1267 d. 1326
    Episode 66 - The Regency of Svia, 1267-1274 (age 1-8)
    Episode 67 - The Regency of Marshal Orson, 1274-1277 (age 8-11)
    Episode 68 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the early years, 1277-1278
    Episode 69 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the early years, 1279
    Episode 70 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the early years, 1279 (again)
    Episode 71 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the middle years, 1279-1280
    Episode 72 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the middle years, 1280
    Episode 73 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the middle years, 1280
    Episode 74 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the middle years, 1280 - Now with More 1280!
    Episode 75 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the latter years, 1281-1283
    Episode 76 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the latter years, 1283-1285
    Episode 77 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the latter years, 1285-1287
    Episode 78 - Thoughts on the Civil War - the latter years, 1287-1293
    Episode 79 - Thoughts on his reign - the mid-latter years, 1293-1300
    Episode 80 - Thoughts on his reign - the mid-latter years, 1300-1304
    Episode 81 - Thoughts on his reign - the mid-latter years, 1305-1310
    Episode 82 - Thoughts on his reign - the latter-latter years, 1310-1317
    Episode 83 - Thoughts on his reign - the latter-latter years, 1318-1324
    Episode 84 - Thoughts on his reign - the latter-latter years, 1324-1326

    Bard "the Incomprehensible" Skulesson Crovan, King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark
    (Also, the Second Heretic King)

    b.1299 r.1326 d.1334
    Episode 85 - Wefwections on his weign, 1326-1328
    Episode 86 - Wefwections on his weign, 1328-1329
    Episode 87 - Wefwections on his weign, 1329-1330
    Episode 88 - Wefwections on his weign, 1330-1331
    Episode 89 - Wefwections on his weign, 1331-1332
    Episode 90 - Wefwections on his weign, 1332-1333
    Episode 91 - Wefwections on his weign, 1333
    Episode 92 - Wefwections on his weign, 1333-1334

    Wulfhere "The Saxon" Haraldsson Crovan, King of All Norway, of Sweden, of Denmark and of Serbia
    b.1301 r.1334 d. 1353
    Episode 93 - Ruminations on the early years, 1334-1336
    Episode 94 - Ruminations on the early years, 1336-1338
    Episode 95 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1339-1342
    Episode 96 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1342-1344
    Episode 97 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1344-1349
    Episode 98 - Ruminations on the later years, 1349-1351
    Episode 99 - Ruminations on the later years, 1352-1353

    Thurcytel Wulfheresson Crovan, King of All Norway, of Sweden, of Denmark and of Serbia
    b.1318 r.1353 d. 1360
    Episode 100 - Ruminations on the early years, 1353-1354
    Episode 101 - Ruminations on the middle years, 1354-1355
    Episode 102 - Ruminations on the later years, 1355-1358
    Episode 103 - Ruminations on the final years, 1358-1360

    Eadburt "The Unhinged" Thurcytelsson Crovan, King of Norway and of Serbia
    Called "The Mover"

    b.1336 r.1360 d.1379
    Episode 104 - Reflections on the early years, 1360-1362
    Episode 105 - Reflections on the early years, 1362-1363
    Episode 106 - Reflections on the early years, 1363-1366
    Episode 107 - Reflections on the middle years, 1367-1370
    Episode 108 - Reflections on the middle years, 1370-1372
    Episode 109 - Reflections on the middle years, 1372-1375
    Episode 110 - Reflections on the final years, 1376
    Episode 111 - Reflections on the final years, 1376-1379

    Alfred Thurcytelsson Crovan, King of Norway and Serbia
    b.1341 r. 1379 d. 1388
    Episode 112 - Ruminations on the first part of his rule, 1379-1384
    Episode 113 - Ruminations on the second part of his rule, 1385-1388

    Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan, King of Norway and Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of the Bulgars
    b.1359 r. 1388 d. 1430
    Episode 114 - Geneology, part I, 1388
    Episode 115 - Geneology, part II, 1388
    Episode 116 - The Early Years, 1388-1392
    Episode 117 - The Early Years, 1392-1393
    Episode 118 - The Early Years, 1394-1398
    Episode 119 - The Early Years, 1399-1402
    Episode 120 - The Middle Years, 1403-1408
    Episode 121 - The Middle Years, 1409-1413
    Episode 122 - The Middle Years, 1414-1420
    Episode 123 - The Middle Years, 1421-1422
    Episode 124 - The Later Years, 1422-1424
    Episode 125 - The Later Years, 1424-1428
    Episode 126 - The Final Years, 1428-1430

    Hakon II "Boaroktonos" Bardsson Crovan, King of Norway and Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of the Bulgars
    b.1400 r. 1430 d. 1444
    Episode 127 - Reflections on the first part of his rule, 1430-1434
    Episode 128 - Reflections on the middle part of his rule, 1434-1437
    Episode 129 - Reflections on the latter part of his rule, 1438-1443
    Episode 130 - Reflections on the Unfortunate End of his rule, 1444

    Kolbein Hakonsson Crovan, King of Norway and Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks, King of the Bulgars and Sicilians
    b. 1417 r. 1444 d. 1465
    Episode 131 - The King is Dead. What's for Lunch, 1444-1452
    The Rest of King Kolbein's Adventures continue in The Adventures of the Crovan Clan 2: The World is Way Too Much, an EUIII:NA/IN AAR!

    Codex Crovanus, Volume II (1453-1835)

    Appendix A - Rulers of House Crovan
    Appendix B - Poet Laureates of the Crovan Empire
    Last edited by Alfred Packer; 16-08-2010 at 10:31.

  2. #2
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    Gudrod Haraldsson Crovan
    Duke and Earl of the Western Isles


    Ruminations on the first years of his rule, 1066-1070





    Shortly before his death trying to seize England, Harald Siguardsson appointed me Chancellor of his realm. After all, I was one of his most trusted companions. I served with him in Norway, Denmark, Poland and even Byzantium.

    When King Harald died in England, his successor, Olaf Fish-Eater, “promoted” me to the status of a Duke and awarded me with one of Harald’s daughters, Ragnhild Haraldsdottir, in marriage. I thought marrying into the Royal family would improve my prospects. Instead, it left me sidelined with a tolerable wife and three tiny islands, bumps on the ass of Scotland.

    On the plus side, being sidelined in this way allowed me to survive Harald’s debacle. I was not recalled to court when his successor took over.

    My ambitions cannot be contained on islands so small I can spit across them.

    I have forged a plan for the next years campaigning season. I have a claim on the Isle of Man. They are vassals of the powerful Duke of Leinster. I have 135 followers.

    I’m going to attack.







    The first part of the plan went well, especially since the whole army of Leinster was somewhere else.

    The rest of the plan fell apart quickly.

    Not surprisingly, 103 men are not enough to really seal off a castle, so the siege proceeded slowly.

    Then, the Count of Man died and the Duke added the County to his demesne, so no separate peace would be forthcoming.

    Then one of his vassals arrived.






    The last 29 of us headed home to regroup.





    When the King of Norway finally did send an army in 1068, I had rebuilt my forces to 74 men and we rode with the King.

    While I awaited his army’s arrival, I did welcome my newborn son and heir presumptive, Halkjell Gudrodsson Crovan.


    It was my wife’s favorite uncle’s name. I get to name the next one.




    We laid siege to Man again, my 61 soldiers (a boat sank along the way) and some 600 Norwegians.








    Ragnhild gave birth in the siege trenches themselves, so yeah, her name isn’t really my fault…you’d have done the same.









    I supported her decision wholeheartedly, though I felt she didn’t really need to announce to everyone.









    He’s just about grown up in these stupid trenches. This miserable island better be worth all this effort.




    It wasn't, of course.



    The next thing I know, the King of Norway and his army lift the siege and head off to Dublin, leaving me, my wife and kids, and about two dozen men to face a very angry Duke of Leinster.

    After we run away, herring-breathed King Olaf of Norway makes peace with my now mortal enemy for a mere 11 pounds of gold.

    I wasted some three years of my life trying to get my hands on that lousy island.

    Twice now that villain Olaf has thwarted my ambitions.

    I will be avenged.




    Or, rather, I would have been.



    Miserable King Olaf died of a surfeit of Herring, leaving his one year old son Kare Olafsson Yngling as my new suzerain






    I was so angry I think I burst a vein in my head.


    Raising Halkjell myself has really taught me something. I hate children.






    While I am at it, by acclaim we have declared an end to Primogeniture in the Duchy. We shall henceforth follow Consanguinity. This is because Halkjell is proving to be quite worthless and I would like a non-murderous option for bumping him from the succession.







    For example, this young man. If he lives, he would be marginally better.
    His name is Erlend Gudrodsson. No comment.






    Will Our Hero Gudrod (HA!) finally get ahold of the Isle of Man? Will he exact bloody vengance on Not-So Herring Breathed King Kare? How worthless is Halkjell and who names a child that? Will our fearless author be served with cease-and-desist papers for such a wholesale theft of Anonymous4401's wholesale theft of Phargle's clever teaser? These questions and more will be answered in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  3. #3
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    Quite an adventure - can he truly be a man if he cannot get the island named so?

    Good luck.
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    1070-1079

    Gudrod Haraldsson Crovan
    Duke and Earl of the Western Isles


    Ruminations on the Middle Part of his rule, 1070-1079



    So, following my failed efforts at seizing the Isle of Man, I have hit upon another plan, one that will give me the power I need to eventually bring my foe, the Duke of Leinster to his knees (and to much later, exact vengeance upon the House of Yngling).

    Casting about Ireland for a suitable foe, I could not help but notice little Tir Connail. It was a small independent County, so I would not be facing any powerful overlords. There was an added benefit: they were busily fighting someone else, so I might even get away without having to fight a battle, once my own “mighty Overlord” stops sucking on a bottle long enough to send an army to his loyal vassal.


    So, one cold October morning, I loaded all 240 of my followers into longships, and we set off for Ireland once more. Just before making landfall, I sent a small ship with 12 men ahead to inform the Tir Connailians we were at war.


    It sank.

    I loaded 12 more followers into another small ship and sent them with the same message. This time they got through.

    By early February 1173, we settled in for a nice long siege.





    I keep Erlend by my side, just in case Harkjell isn’t my fault.


    Not surprisingly, 228 men have difficulty sieging larger Hill Forts effectively, no matter how large our trebuchets are.


    Somewhat more surprisingly, Count Ruidial, Lord of this swamp has kept his own army mucking around in some other Tir place rather than coming home and chasing me off.


    Even more surprisingly, the Infant King sent a very large and very effective army to support me, and did so quite quickly.





    By December, we were making great progress on the siege and Count Rudy had conquered another territory. This was actually very good news for us. Having another county with somewhat less swamp in it made Count Rudy pretty amenable to peace once Tir Connail fell to the Norwegians.

    While Magnus, the Great Marshal of Norway, was leading his best and bravest through the breach and into the city, I and my fastest rode like the wind away from the battle and to the new court of Count Rudy at Tir Eoghalblahblah to sign a peace treaty.

    Since I got there first, Magnus won the war, but I won the territory.






    This is Aslak Gudrodsson. I take full credit for this name, for it is awesome.
    Aslak is almost as useful as Erlend.







    Halkjell does not understand the importance of Court School, so he complains about it constantly.

    Halkjell complains about it for several months, in fact. He only stopped when I thrashed him with a birch branch. I hate that kid.


    Erlend complained that no one wanted to be his friend, so I sat him down for a good father-son talk. I carefully explained to him that friends don’t matter. Power matters. When you have power, everyone will want to be your friend, and even if they don't want to, they have to pretend to like you and do what you say. So, I told him to take pride in the fact that his family holds dominion over loathsome peasants and great warriors alike. He seemed to feel better after that.







    I sent Aslak to the nannies. I’m beginning to think I may not be the best parent.





    The Pope called a crusade. As a sickly, poor, rat-trap of a Duchy, I decide not to participate. My minions are neither disappointed nor surprised.


    When old Harald Hard-Rider and I used to talk about the future, “Killed by a putz who can't spell Harald right” and “exiled Duke of a swamp and three pimples on Scotland’s ass” never came up as possibilities.



    I find that while my ambitions cannot be contained on three islands I can spit across, they can be sunk forever in the miserable swamps of Tir Connail.







    Where they can be stolen by the roving bands of highwaymen overwhelming Tir Connail.








    And now, with thieves, outlaws and bandits over-running both of my territories, the economy in shambles and the finest possible military recruits going a plundering in the countryside rather than donning my colours, I really don’t know what to do except sit back and hope things get better.

    Well, I can think of one thing I could do...






    While visiting my court in Tir Connail, I met this nice young woman…


    I decided to name him Harald. Harald the Bastard. It has a nice ring to it.








    I send Harald to the monks for two reasons.


    1 – My wife lives in Western Isles and hates swamps


    2 – The Monastery is in a swamp in Tir Connail




    Join us next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan as the questions are asked and answered: Will Gudrod ever settle on a single verb tense? What about the Isle of Man and his arch-enemy the Duke of Leinster? What about Vengence on the Ynglings? Is there even a plan or is Gudrod all talk? Has Gudrod really sunk so low as to abandon both of his worthy adversaries and just pick on whoever happens to be smallest and closest? While Ragnhild find out about Harald? What about Halkjell? Weren't we supposed to find out how useless he really was?
    Last edited by Alfred Packer; 11-10-2007 at 13:42.

  5. #5
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    Very good story, and funny too. Keep it up!
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    I'm just worried that monestary might sink into the swamp and you'll have to build another...that will also sink...you could lose the bastard ABD the monks that way and all you'll have left are thieves and enemies. But good work in Tir Connail.
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    1079-1085

    Gudrod Haraldsson Crovan
    Duke of Western Isles
    Count of Western Isles and of Tir Connail


    Ruminations on the latter part of his rule, 1079-1085


    The extreme violence and mayhem generated by the roving bands of thieves and brigands was making the local nobles regret my conquest of Tir Connail.

    In order to build up some positive PR, I decided to hold a lavish feast and I appointed a local Lord to assemble a feast the likes of which a Tir Connailian could only dream of.








    Based on the whole pound of gold the “feast” cost me; I can only assume large quantities of Rat were served.








    Harald the Bastard, it seems, is allergic to Rat.








    My daughter has become a complete sissy. She’s been hanging around with Harkjell too much.








    Ragnhild met Harald a few months ago. Now Ragnhild’s wardrobe is the envy of Royal Courts from London to Rome to Paris and the nation is just about bankrupt.







    Western Isles gets a beautiful new Forestry.



    Doubtless it will soon be shut down when the roving bands of thieves, thicker on the ground than flies, kill the lumberjacks and steal their saws.









    Aslak, if you recall, was my only son not raised at court, but rather fostered off on someone else’s court. Or maybe the nannies raised him, I’m not really sure.

    At any rate, he seemed to have lots of pent up anger and aggression when I saw him today, so I sent him off to live in a border post in Tir Connail. That way he can learn soldiering from the ground up and work off some of those anger issues he seems to have.









    Ragnhild took ill today. Really, she has never let me forget about that whole having sex with a serving girl and then fathering a bastard and then hiding the bastard from her in a monastery thing. I am secretly hoping that one of two things happen:


    1 – she dies.


    2 – it is contagious and I die.




    This Duchy, miserable, poor and demoralized is quickly becoming an albatross about my neck.










    I sent Harald the Bastard off to Church School. He and Halkjell the Useless clearly share a father. Sadly, that father is me.










    Halkjell Gudrodsson, known at court and at my insistence as either Halkjell the Useless or Halkjell the Wastrel has come of age today. In his honor, we decorated the halls of Castle Crovan in the Western Isles.

    I hired the finest skalds and poets to immortalize the event.

    I brought in the finest chefs and entertainers not from Tir Connail and issued a decree ordering every worthy man to appear. Every two-bit noble, knight, wealthy burgher and great warrior was present in the Great Hall for the celebration.


    I stood up and raised my mug of mead, as if to toast my son’s entry into adulthood. Instead, I publicly and officially removed him from the succession and named Erlend as heir to all of my lands and titles. The look on his face was worth every penny I wasted on his stupid party.





    After that, Halkjell got even more unbearable to be around, real sullen and irritable. Every time I saw him he just started crying and rand away. I hate that kid.








    So, a Polar Bear was loose in the countryside, devouring innocent farmers, hunting dogs, foresters, anyone it could get a hold of. When it raided one of my farms it devoured two whole plow teams – serfs, horses and all!


    Those horses were expensive. Something had to be done.


    The long years of quiet, without the funds or ability to smite my enemies, really wore on me, so when this opportunity for action came along, I called together my old companions, my friends from the glory days, such as they were, of the Isle of Man campaigns and the Tir Connail War.


    We gathered Dogs and Horses, Swords and Spears and set off in search of the mighty beast! Adventure Ho!





    Will Gudrod catch the bear? Will the hunt leave him energized and valorous, ready to face the world and his troubles with a fresh face, drive out the thieves and at last wreak his vengeance on the vile Duke of Leinster and Ynglings of Norway or will he just get drunk with his idiot friends? What was the point in being so mean to Harkjell at his birthday party? Was anything worthwhile accomplished in this episode at all? Tune in next week for another exciting episode in the Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  8. #8
    GunslingAAR coz1's Avatar
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    You must really despise Harkjell to spite him so with a party you could barely afford.
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    General Lordban's Avatar
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    Horses are certainly expensive

    Loved the parts about trying to invade Irish counties with 200 men. It's good on Gudrod that his ducal heraldry looks more impressive than that of a random Irish count, because it's the only thing that looks more impressive than what the Irish count has

    What do you mean, you have a king and he doesn't? And it is relevant?

    Oh, well.
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  10. #10
    Good luck with the Crovans! In time you'll have as many Crovans floating around in various nations as I do in my game. Plus the Western Isles are fun to play. First Ireland then the World.
    Isles of Glory: A Dynastic History
    An island duchy off the coast of Scotland, and elsewhere.

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  11. #11
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    Tee hee.

  12. #12
    The White Rose of York Rex Angliae's Avatar
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    Loving it. Most entertaining. You have a new subscriber.
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  13. #13
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    Reply to All!

    This is a general reply to all of the nice comments thus far,

    Thank you all for reading and enjoying. This is a very enjoyable AAR to write and I'm glad to see it seems to be a not-too-painful experience to read

    Hardraade: Thanks! I will!

    coz1: I'd have spited Harkjell if it meant destroying the whole nation. He's that big a jerk.

    Lordbahn: How is it a one year old infant is the most useful overlord I've ever had?

    Anthonyp: Western Isles has been a lot of fun to play. A dump of a Duchy, but fun nonetheless.

    Phargle: See even this I steal from you!

    Rex Angliae: Welcome aboard! Hopefully the very short update following doesn't drive you away!

  14. #14
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1085

    Gudrod Haraldsson Crovan
    Duke of the Western Isles
    Count of Western Isles and Tir Connail



    Ruminations on the end of his reign, 1085



    Well, the first part of our plan went great. We dug a massive pit and covered it with leaves. Suspended over the pit, we left Halkjell.



    Ha Ha, I jest. I did tie him up there for part of the afternoon, but we cut him down long before the bear would have found him. Instead, we left big, bloody hunks of meat.



    That night, my companions and I got very drunk.



    The next morning, we went out to the pit. I brought along Halkjell so I could torment him some more if the bear was actually caught.



    I brought along Erlend because, if the bear was caught, I decided to let him deliver the killing blow, since he is my heir and all.







    Ohh, look we did catch him! Wow that’s a big bear! Heh, hey Halkjell, why don’t you climb on down there….wait, whoa, hey…Someone shoved…..AAAAHHHHHHHHHH*














    Great Scott! Who saw that coming? Mighty Duke Gudrod eaten by a bear? Who could be behind such a nefarious deed? Is it Halkjell the Useless? Was it the new Duke Erlend? Could it have just been some schmuck companion who really wanted to get close enough to see the bear? Will the new Duke be any better at seeking vengeance on the enemies of the House of Crovan? Could he be any worse at it? Is this update really this short? Come on? How lazy are you anyway? Find out next time in The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  15. #15
    General Lordban's Avatar
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    Erlend inherited -38 gold.
    Wait, if there's a succession tax to pay, it means Erlend will end up with less of a debt than his father left him!
    "Mankind has only one science. It is the science of discontent." -- Count Hasimir Fenring
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  16. #16
    Great stuff! I've seen many AARs that try to be funny, but this one actually succeeds! Still tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! Absolutely wonderful!

  17. #17
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1085-1090

    Erlend Gudrodsson Crovan

    Duke of Western Isles
    Count of Western Isles and of Tir Connail



    Reflections on the years of his minority, 1085-1090



    First off, my father was foolish and weak. His fate was well earned. Despite his mighty pledges to restore our line to greatness, he accomplished nothing except the conquest of a swamp.



    Mother says he shamed our family more through his infidelity than through his nonsense declarations of vengeance. Mother has never forgiven him for that. I never really cared, you see, I just wanted to be certain that when he did die, I was still in line for the throne.



    Oh don’t act so shocked. You’d have done the same. Here he is, leaning over a big open pit with a monster at the bottom. Standing right behind him are both of his sons, one a living object of ridicule, the other burning with desire to right the family’s fortunes. If Halkjell weren’t so worthless, he’d have shoved him. As usual, the difficult path had to be walked by the strong brother. That is why I am Duke and he has been fired from his job as Chancellor.



    There was an attempt to set up a regency, but I would have none of it. I am fifteen years old and ready to rule. Besides, to share the power with any of these nitwits would be to invite disaster. After all, my accelerated route to the top could be repeated.








    Father’s last child was born today.








    I reflected some on Father’s death today.



    Hee hee.









    Halkjell the Useless had a son, Torstein Halkjellsson. He mostly takes after his father.










    I’ve married my sister off to this Prince of Denmark.










    This is Halkjell’s wife. She has just come of age.






    I gave Halkjell’s job as Chancellor to his wife, because she is more man than he. Father was right about one thing. Halkjell cries a lot.









    I have turned sixteen years old today, the age of maturity.



    In celebration, I have grown giant muttonchops.












    I have taken a wife. Svanhild is a pleasant woman and tolerable on my eyes. She is also “good to go,” if you take my meaning. Sometimes she wears her old nun-habit. Rowr.



    She is rather old though, so I hope she dies soon. I could use more Bride-money, that being my plan to right the economy.











    Halkjell has given birth to a daughter.



    I can only assume his wife cheats on him frequently.





    Having taken care to reduce our debt, take a wife, remove Harkjell from his position of responsibility, and deal with some other boring family matters, I am ready to begin planning my family’s revenge on the vile clan of Yngling and the miserable Dukes of Leinster. Both roads run through Iceland.




    Father, in spite of his constant babble about friendship with powerful dead kings, did not leave me with the necessary powerbase to avenge the sins of our enemies.



    I will gain that powerbase.












    In October of 1089, I loaded my 471 loyal warriors into longships and set sail for Iceland. I sent a fast ship ahead with the declaration of war.





    Unlike my father’s expeditions, the ship did not sink. An auspicious sign.











    A further auspicious sign was the epic Battle of Austisland, wherein Lawspeaker Gunnar and the hundred-odd farmers he scraped together, came to battle with my much larger force and about a thousand Norwegians.



    Killing Icelanders: so much fun we killed some twice!



    If King Kare keeps up this high level of support, I may have to rethink my undying hatred for his clan. At least for the next couple of years.





    Will Erlend actually accomplish something besides Patricide by siezing Iceland? How on Earth is he paying for this? Last time I looked, you don't get a ton of gold for marrying old ex-nuns! Has he invented deficit spending? Is the author's head cold having a negative impact on the AAR or has he merely been exposed for the fraud he is? Find the answers to some of these questions in the next exciting chapter of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  18. #18
    The White Rose of York Rex Angliae's Avatar
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    Very entertaining. Loving it. Times sure were hard back then, 16 year olds looking like that!
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  19. #19
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1090-1094

    Erlend Gudrodsson Crovan
    Duke of Western Isles
    Count of Western Isles and of Tir Connail



    Reflections on the early part of his rule, 1090 – 1094









    Here is my “dear” younger brother Aslak. He has really turned out to be quite a warrior, and a handsome chap at that. I must find a way to ruin his career before he becomes a threat.










    Here is Lawspeaker Svein, the “Special Friend” of late Lawspeaker Gunnar handing over the Eastern part of Iceland to my rule.

    With that haircut, his defeat was assured.











    We push on into Western Iceland, since we brought lunch.













    This is Halkjell’s son Torstein.

    Torstein has spent the last five years following me around the Ducal palace, annoying me with questions, and always trying to help me, but generally just screwing things up and being a nuisance.

    Today, I caught him dressed up in my armor and waddling around the palace with my sword declaring that he was Duke Erlend.

    I thrashed him with a birch branch for attempting to usurp my throne and packed him off to the monastery of Tir Connail.

    Halkjell whined and complained that I was being unreasonable, until I thrashed him with a larger birch branch.











    Harald the Bastard has become a pawn of the barons. They must be grasping at straws if their plans require a forgotten bastard son of a dead and disgraced Duke who has been living in a mud pit of a monastery in the worst county in the world.












    This is Aslak’s son Erlend. Named for his uncle. I’ve sent children to the swamps for less.



    If I had the money, I’d have that jerk Aslak killed, but I don’t.













    Thanks, I’ll take the rest of Iceland, and no, I don’t want a “Victory Hug.”














    Ha! I’ve got it!

    Enjoy your swamp Aslak old Chum.











    Harald the Bastard comes of age. I’ll let him hang around court in case Halkjell isn’t around to abuse.












    Halkjell was visiting his son in the swamp today, so instead I picked on Harald the Bastard. Meet his new wife: a selfish and violently cruel suicidal nun!






    Holy Cow! Is Erlend a jerk or what? Is this all because of his father’s talk with him way back in the day? Was he just born this way? What about Aslak? He’s spent time in Tir Connail before? How mad is he about this turn of events? Has anyone else noticed that Erlend doesn’t seem to be very good with money? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  20. #20
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Erlend Gudrodsson Crovan

    Duke of Western Isles
    Count of Western Isles and of Austisland and of Vestisland



    Reflections on the early middle part of his rule, 1094-1103










    Snofrid Halkjellsdottir heads off to Court School. I only mention this for one reason:
    Snofrid Halkjellsdottir? Seriously? That’s what he named her? God Halkjell is a jerk!









    So, Harald the Bastard, how’s married life treating you?










    That bad? What a shame.











    This is Halkjell’s son Torstein.

    Somehow he has turned out a complete dysfunctional A-hole. I guess Church School isn’t for everyone.












    Harald the Bastard dies of crazyness. I guess married life isn’t for everyone.












    On the International / Revenge scene, I’ve noticed that Strathclyde has declared independence from Scotland. Independent Counties mean easy pickings, so I raise the full military might of my Duchy and we march to war!

    You’ll notice Aslak and Halkjell are marching with the army as well.

    I have brought along Aslak because I want him and his troops where I can keep an eye on them.

    Frankly, I don’t know why Halkjell is here. Surely a stable groom could command the Icelanders as well as he.











    Unfortunately, it becomes readily apparent that I’m not the only one interested in Strathclyde. The King of Scotland has taken an interest in the county as well. Since we’re here, we go ahead and set up some preposterously large siege engines in an attempt to overawe King David











    We go ahead and stick out the siege in hopes that the Dukes of Strathclyde will prefer a new master to the one they rebelled against. This turns out not to be the case.


    Halkjell, of course, arrives long after the fighting is done. Thanks for the assist brother.











    Since I still have my soldiers under arms and the Norweigens have just arrived to battle Strathcydians, I declare war on the Duchy of Uliad (using the old Crovan strategy of picking on the little guy whose armies are off doing other things far away). I’ll be damned if I’m not going to get something out of this whole mess.











    Both counties fell quite quickly to my military machine. Aslak’s men mostly guarded the baggage, no glory for them.



    I must admit, I’m not too excited at the prospect of adding more swamp to my already damp domain, but I really needed some glory in battle after the Strathclyde humiliations.






    Okay, so we bought Iceland, but are we really to believe the roads to the Ynglings run through Uliad? Is Erlend any more purpose driven than his father or is he just an opportunistic jerk? Does the author really think he can get away with another large trebuchet joke? What kind of treaty will be forced down the throats of the Lords of Ulaid? Will the King of Norway get anything out of this latest attempt to help his vassal? Seriously. Snofrid? Come back next week for the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

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