The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

[Snugglie]

This AAR cannot end until Bard has died the most epiuc death of them all.

[demokratickid]

Wow, I haven't checked on this in a while, and now its turned into a 30 page monster! Congrats on such a wonderfully funny story!

[Sokraates]

I second General_BT. Maybe Bard II won't do great things, but having someone from the "saint and crazy"-branch of the Crovan clan as king should give you plenty of opportunity for character humor. And that, after all, is what this AAR is all about.

[Alfred Packer]

Okay, since it's unanimous...The Adventures of the Crovan Clan will continue on Monday for another 64 years of chaos!

[Sokraates]

Ernie and Bert just told me, they weren't happy with my vote ... nor with the outcome.

[Alfred Packer]

Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

King of Norway and of Serbia


The Early Years, 1388-1392











Of course, my first official act as King is to crush utterly the traitors of Euboia.

I have been giving some serious thought as to how best replace the hated line of traitors and usurpers in the people’s memories with my own beloved line. Towards that end, I have scoured the archives, interviewed the noted historians and prelates, and interviewed the vile peasants to learn which of the monarchs they considered the “Greatest.”

They came up with the following list:

King Ossor because he took the Crovans from a Duchy to a Kingdom and was a famous Crusader.

King Half-Dan because he conquered more kingdoms than anyone ever has.

King Skule because he fathered more children than anyone else, ruled longer than anyone else, and also because he had totally sweet hair.

Now then, I shall make it my goal to surpass them in every way, thus proving forever that the Line of Saint Aslak houses the Purest and Greatest Crovan Blood.

Okay, lets see…My hair is totally sweet.

Check!










There won’t be any more dirty Saxon Crovans.











As I look about my new dominions, I cannot help but to notice these lands have passed to the Duke of Finland!











I will spare you the gory details and expensive trips taken by my army. Suffice to say, I am working on item 3 on my list.

And also, if you will note, even the very stylish French Duke of Finland has copied my hip coif.











Ha! Excellent! And I have a son. Only 13 more of these things and I have bested Skule again!











You know what would make a Crusader more famous than Crusading against Christian Norway?

Crusading against Saracen Rome!











And now the Muslims will learn a hard lesson on why the “Widely Scattered and Politically Distinct” method of province-ownership is flawed.










2 down, 12 to go. Skule, your memory will fade in no time.












What is cool is that I was going to conquer this place no matter what, but since they are vile Muslims, it gets to count towards my Half-Dan and my Ossor tallies.












And we have a toe-hold in the holy-land.

So King Bard II has set his sights on out-Crovaning the Crovans! Will he pull off this goal? Will he be the greatest Crovan Ruler ever? Or will he surpass certain other Crovans who are better left forgotten? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
Things to surpass:

1 - Going from Duke to King
2 - Famous Crusader
3 - Out-conquer King Half-Dan
4 - Father 14 Kids
5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116

[Sokraates]

St. Aslak's lood runs true in Bard II. It's been a long time since we've seen a nut accumulate so many mental problems. Considering that haircut handsome is already enough to put St. Aslak's assorted mental illnesses to shame. Though out-fathering Skule sounds like fun.

I think I speak for all of your readers when I express my eternal gratitude for you to continue this AAR. Bard II is certainly a character we wouldn't want to miss.

[Eams]

I wonder, should the new baby-machine die, will Bard flood Europe's courts with preposals in the hopes of getting two acceptances in one day? Doubling the amount of mother's is a good way of breaking that record, after all.

[Count Lake]

All I can say is great job, I love your style and humor. Keep it up!

[RGB]

14 kids!

He'd best get real busy.

[Alfred Packer]

Sokraates: Thanks! And thank you, after all, if it hadn't been for the postive support and comments from readers, I doubt the Crovans would have made it this far!

Eams: I didn't know it was possible to get a harem! Oh won't Bard II be disappointed to hear he missed out!

Count Lake: Thanks! And thank you for reading

RGB: It's the number one priority

[Alfred Packer]

Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

King of Norway and of Serbia


The Early Years, 1392-1393









I have produced 3 of these things now…only 11 more to go…ever closer.











Ha! And the Saracens surrender Rome itself to my Crusading Armies…and also pay me a moderate stipend.











Well, well Saracens…it would seem another Crusade is in the making! Ossor will be kicked to the curb soon enough!











One of my progeny has caught some sort of illness. I have, accordingly, ordered him sent to another portion of the Palace. Great things are in the offing and do not need my sleep disturbed by its incessant coughing.











At first, I was very disheartened. I mean, I was thinking, “hey, now I have to have 12 more,” but then I remembered that not all of Skule’s children survived into adulthood either.

What a relief!











I have made the oldest child the Count of Rome. He should have great fun ordering about the locals.











On the war front, as if you care, we are adding slowly to our Asian Dominions.










Only ten away! Goal number 4 is by far the most enjoyable to work towards.












And now, more Muslims have piled into the war, which is great. The generals say we are conquering them like crazy.












Only 9 more to go! We are running out of Royal Nannies. I sent word to the Pope that I liberated Rome a couple of years ago, but I guess the messenger got lost or something.

Well, the man – and his wife – are quite the rabbits! Bard is well on his way to surpassing another Crovan. Will he make it? Find out which on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
Things to surpass:

1 - Going from Duke to King
2 - Famous Crusader – getting close!
3 - Out-conquer King Half-Dan
4 - Father 14 Kids – currently tally: 5 born (4 still living)
5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116

[Eams]

Alfred Packer:
"Eams: I didn't know it was possible to get a harem! Oh won't Bard II be disappointed to hear he missed out!"

Yep, I flooded the courts of Europe with marriage proposals once and got two positive replies at the same time by chance. Experimenting with the byzantine-cheat, I've managed to acquire three loving wives for my king. Will bastards count against Bard's goal of 14 kids?
Excellent update, as always, will you try to coerce the christan lords of Anatolia and Syria to join the kingdom of South Norway?

[Sokraates]

Only ten away! Goal number 4 is by far the most enjoyable to work towards.

As long as you don't have to pay child support, that is.

Go Crovans,GO!

Oh, by the way: hasn't goal number 1 been reached already? Bard II was Duke before he became king, wasn't he? (I admit, I'm too lazy to look it up)

[jaddboy]

This definitely ranks as one of the most enjoyable AARs I've ever read.

From a Saint driving away all the evil amphibians to Caps in your Ass to a King with a speech impediment it's been tears in my eyes!

Thanks very much!

[RGB]

Conquering like crazy. Sounds like fun.

[Murmurandus]

Great! The Greatest of the Great Crovans already created five Great Greatlings! Just great!

[Alfred Packer]

Gah! So many replies! This weeks lesson: 3 AARs is more than Alfred Packer can handle at once. Luckily, one of the 3 is about to end...it isn't this one though.

Eams: Bastards are totally legal, since most of Skule's were bastards.

Sokraates: no, his dad lost the Duchy...he went from obscure Spymaster in some Count's court to master of the Crovan Empire...a pretty good jump, I admit...but Bard II has loftier ambitions!

jaddboy: thank you very much, I'm glad you have enjoyed it. The gang-banging royal sibling storyline was always one of my favorites.

RGB: I got into two conquering-fests during this game, Bard II's was like Half-Dans, but with the Constantinople Regiment and a player oblivious to debt

Murmurandus: Great! Your back!

[Alfred Packer]

Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

King of Norway and of Serbia


The Early Years, 1394-1398









I have produced a sixth child. Only 8 more…the missus is getting weary, but then, she never really understood the importance of all of this.











These little independent sheikdoms are really making the whole “out-conquer Half-Dan” plan quite easy.











See what I mean?











The new one died. Hmm…I wonder which Crovan had the most offspring die in childhood?











Seven to go! Damn the chaffing, back to the Royal Bed!











Quickly Horatio! Bring me another wife.

Oh, and another Spymistress.

God, I love that play.











My idiot son Skule has just given away his County to the Pope. He asked for nothing in return.

Fortunately, as I just remarried, I have something to take my mind off my son’s stupidity.










Maybe the conquest of Sparta will help sooth my anger towards Skule the Simple.












Their overlord, the Kings of Egypt have declared war on me, which frankly suits my goals admirably.












A Dirty Swede has inherited Adana, removing it from my domain. De Monfort! I will get you for this!

Bard II has already worn out one wife in pursuit of his goals, how will the second fare? What about his idiot son? What about these latest wars? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
Things to surpass:

1 - Going from Duke to King - Gone from Spymaster to King...but wants one more step
2 - Famous Crusader – getting close!
3 - Out-conquer King Half-Dan
4 - Father 14 Kids – currently tally: 7 born (4 still living)
5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116

[Sokraates]

Bards does it again ...

... and quotes THE Bard when his wife prefers suicide to giving birth to another misbegotten son of Bard (thank God she didn't live to witness Skule's stupidity).

I absolutely, positively like this guy.

Regarding goal No. 1: Going from nothing/spymaster to king beats going from duke to king in my book. So I'd say that goal is not only accomplished but also a new record is established.

Hail king Bard!