• We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
1219

Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

King of Norway



Reflections on the middle years, 1219





49-01.jpg






I am approaching Spymaster and certified homicidal maniac Audun with a rather audacious and sensitive plot. You see, Maria still doesn’t know about that booty call a few years back and, well certain troublesome pieces of evidence have emerged so…





49-02.jpg





The best part is that, even if someone realizes Audun did the killings, they will just assume it is because he is an insane mass-murderer and won’t even think to suspect me!





49-03.jpg





And Ale is sent to live with some local nobles. The kid cries too much and I am concerned that his last mission may have given Audun some mistaken ideas on how best to make me happy.





49-04.jpg






Inge Stencil-Kitten met with an Audun-induced accident in the hopes that his son will prove more willing to make peace and go live in the wilds of Inge’s old non-Norwegian lands.




49-05.jpg






Damn Samund is just like his father. Well, time to turn loose the Spymaster.





49-06.jpg






In case you were curious, this seemingly innocent victim is Samund’s Spymaster, charged originally with protecting the life of his diminutive master, he is now charged with learning to swim at the bottom of a 300 foot well.





49-07.jpg






Samund was just thrown out a window. Defenestration is always in style.





49-08.jpg






Ha ha Svein! You should be stressed! Audun has already murdered two diocese bishops!





49-09.jpg






Nice try Iceland, but no one dies around here unless Audun is doing the killing.





49-10.jpg





Bengt, having risen to the throne of Iceland solely through my machinations and faced with a peace offer that would only cost him Varmland (since I really need that back) and the title to Iceland (since he doesn’t own that anyway) and grant him an awful lot of gold to help protect his other provinces, wherever the hell they might be, should probably accept this offer.




And Audun’s killing spree got off to a smashing start claiming 1 Bastard Child, 1 (possibly – Audun wasn’t very clear) parent of a Bastard Child, 2 Spymasters, 2 Dukes of Iceland and a second diocese bishop (clicked through by accident), bringing his personal killing total to 9! Gunnar has found a whole new way to bring shame upon the Crovan name! Will he kill more? Find out in the next grisly episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
 
  • 1
Reactions:
Alas, and this king actually seemed sane in the beginning.

No matter what, "Stencil-kitten" makes me laugh every time I read it.
 
1219-1221 - Marking 50 Episodes of Crovans!

Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

King of Norway



Reflections on the middle years, 1219-1221





50-01.jpg






Bengt proves as stubborn and stupid as his predecessors. I’m really beginning to think that Varmland is cursed.





50-02.jpg





Here is my new son Svein. Ah, Svein, someday you may get to be Steward in your brother’s realm!





50-03.jpg





Here we have Bengt, critically weakened by this absurd war he won’t end, about to lose his last middle eastern province to some Heathens.





50-04.jpg






And here we have Bengt accepting a much, much worse peace offer from me.




50-05.jpg






And here we have me sending the title “Duke of Iceland” home from its long exodus.





50-06.jpg






And here I am making my cousin the Bishop of Varmland – maybe a Bishop can avoid the rebellion-madness that plagues Varmland.





50-07.jpg






And here I have yet another child. His name is Ulv.





50-08.jpg






Skane now has the largest castle in Norway AND a lovely palace. For some reason, I have not bothered to move the capital there from blighted Viken.





50-09.jpg






Ha ha! Glum is depressed! Get it?





50-10.jpg





So I had a big meeting with the Bishop of Gotland, one of my most respected peons, the other day – working out import-export rates for eels, very Kingly stuff you know – when I noticed that his Chancellor was wearing a helmet – I mean a full, closed face job – throughout the whole meeting. You couldn’t understand anything he said. His presentation was a flop because of this, I mean yeah his PowerPoint slides were great, but the Q & A portion was terrible.

Finally, the Bishop, annoyed, ordered him to take off the helmet. You’ll never believe who it was: Bengt!

I asked him if he had any second thoughts about that “rebel to the bitter end, not matter what the cost” thing he’d done.

He didn’t think that was very funny, but then I wasn’t trying to make him laugh.




So Gunnar gets to watch his enemy eat some crow, how satisfying, especially since that rebellion has consumed some 3 years of Gunnars rule and spread across three episodes! Join us next time as Gunnar’s PR team wins over the hearts and minds of the people of Naumadal on the next episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
 
  • 1
Reactions:
Gunnar's PR Team wouldn't happen to include Audun would it? He seems to be very persuasive.
 
"Ha ha! Glum is depressed! Get it?"


Took me a second.....that is kinda funny.

You got some pretty solid names in this family...it's like a bunch dwarves from snow white.

Glum, Grim, Ale dwarf who's always hammered out of his skull.......
 
1221-1222

Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

King of Norway



Reflections on the later years, 1221-1222





51-01.jpg






Ale is such an excitable little rascal. Don’t get too big a head little guy! You won’t be owning any of those lands anytime soon. Or ever.





51-02.jpg





Here we see the Varmland curse in action once more. As a bit of a variation on the theme, it will be a Bishop rebelling instead of an Earl or Duke. As for the rebel being a Crovan, yeah, that’s been done already.





51-03.jpg





There is an old saying in Norway: “Nothing calms the nerves of the people like brutally executing their populist leaders.”





51-04.jpg






Oh wait, I was wrong…the saying is “nothing causes violent social revolution like brutally executing populist leaders.” My bad.




51-05.jpg






The Diocese Bishop was looking very calm and relaxed today. Surprised by this development, I asked him what was going on. Apparently Audun the Mass Murdering Spymaster passed away last night, which was a shame. I was about to turn him loose in Naumadal.





51-06.jpg






Not content with refusing to pay their proper taxes, the citizenry of Naumadal have decided upon violent revolt and have laid siege to Naumadal Castle. This is not one of the citizenry’s brightest ideas.





51-07.jpg






Marshal Dag happened to be visiting Naumadal Castle and led the 800 man garrison into the field against the 200-odd besieging peasants. The results were predictable and the surviving rebels in Naumadal decided to go back to griping and hiding their taxes.

Another old Norse saying: “If you want a serf to quit bitching, stab him.”





51-08.jpg






*sigh* the Naumadalians are really getting on my nerves.





51-09.jpg






This is Zakariyah Knytling. He is an Arab Catholic, though with a Danish last name. He is also the Duke of Strathclyde, although no one in Scotland even knows he exists. The only people who do know about him are his subjects in the County of Toledo.

He has just embarked on an ambitious empire building scheme in Sweden.





51-10.jpg





Half-Dan, my diminutive son, is not too pleased to be in Church School. Apparently something in Leviticus says that Dwarfs can’t be priests, so they have given him duties as servant to the Chief Monk. The Chief Monk keeps resting his drinks and spectacles on Half-Dan’s head. He also regularly uses the little man as a living podium and once even as a foot-stool.

Half-Dan tells me he has hunted about the Talmud and the Bible and that a Babylonian King and an Egyptian Pharaoh were both Dwarfs, so maybe, since he is the oldest son, he should get a shot at being king too. I patted the little fellow on the head and pointed out that since both were burning in Hell right now; we probably shouldn’t rush out and copy everything they do.

Then I sent him back off to Church School.




Well, it seems Half-Dan’s gambit to replace Grim as heir has failed. Meanwhile, Gunnar continues to Make Friends and Influence People in Naumadal. Plus, why so much time investigating that Spanish Lord? Foreshadowing? Probably not. Anyway, tune in next time as Gunnar gets a pair of surprises and the Naumadal question is settled once and for all. All this and more on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
 
  • 1
Reactions:
1222-1223 I have just won an award, so you get double Crovan fun today!

Gunnar Hakonsson Crovan

King of Norway



Reflections on the later years, 1222-1223





52-01.jpg






I’ve decided on a nice small Crusade, a little project my Great-Grandfather Ossor embarked upon before his death: That would be the re-subjugation of Angermanland.

Since they turned Pagan again several years ago, they have cleverly disguised themselves as a Swedish province, an idea they seem to have gotten from the other independent Pagans in Vasterbotten. I may go ahead and overrun Vasterbotten while I’m up there.





52-02.jpg





And here is little Ragna. Believe it or not, she is only the second daughter out of 10 children.





52-03.jpg





Never, never, never just shove a dagger down you pants when you can’t find a sheath. Good Lord. The pain has no equal.





52-04.jpg






For obvious reasons, I am somewhat suspicious.




52-05.jpg






That’s great. Angermanland is mine in all its pooping-to-death glory.

I can’t believe I’m going to die for this miserable place.





52-06.jpg






I don’t know what “gangrene” is, but the barber felt that leeches would be a good treatment. I don’t know what is more humiliating. Having a grown man place leeches on my damaged nether-region or the fact that I stabbed myself there in the first place.





52-07.jpg






Ha! He thought he was Glum before!





52-08.jpg






Okay, and now Vasterbotten is mine. I guess they didn’t have another giant pile of gold lying around.





52-09.jpg






Half-Dan picked the absolute best time to harass me some more about wanting out of Church School – right in the middle of my “pine-nettle” treatment for the gangrene.

They’re all yours Danny Boy. Enjoy.





52-10.jpg





Well that is just great. Now I am dead. What a humiliating exit. I hope Grim makes life truly miserable for each and every one of those Pagans. I hope the Naumadalians rise up and lynch Half-Dan. I also hope this Gangrene is contagious and my miserable cheating wife gets it too. I am also going to haunt that crack-pot doctor. Pine-nettle treatment my ass.

Wait, what do you mean I’m not dead yet? I can’t see anything, so…wait…who is in the room with you? Wait don’t go! You need to mourn! Get back here and tell me how much you’ll miss me! Hey!

Jerks.




Gunnar has passed and the throne falls to his 11 year old son Grim. What future fate awaits this next King of Norway and Patriarch of the Crovans? Will he avenge his father’s death? Will his vassals rebel? Will he fight with Sweden and father dozens of bastards? We’ll find out soon enough as the newest Crovan takes charge on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
 
  • 1
Reactions:
I really laughed my head off (or something)! :rofl:
You need to put your AAR into PDF or DOC after you finish it, otherwise I'll have to do that - but you do prepare it ahead anyway, don't you?
You really enrich CK a lot, playing it I start to think in your style of writing.
 
Last edited:
Biges said:
I really laughed my head off (or something)! :rofl:
You need to put your AAR into PDF or DOC after you finish it, otherwise I'll have to do that - but you do prepare it ahead anyway, don't you?
You really enrich CK a lot, playing it I start to think in your style of writing.

I've thought about doing that (putting it into a PDF or DOC file). I have all 57 completed episodes and their pictures stored on my hard drive just for this reason. The only thing I'd have to do is remove the HTML tags from the post files and then insert the images in their place...which seems tedious, though some would argue that I enjoy producing tedious things. :) (and don't think I won't remember your offer...because I am a lazy mooch after all!)

Seriously though, I'm glad you've enjoyed reading the Crovan story, I know I have enjoyed writing it. Hopefully you like the short adventures of King Grim, since they are coming up right now!
 
1223-1226

Grim Gunnarsson Crovan

King of Norway, the Ill-Advised



Reflections on his reign, 1223-1226





53-01.jpg






Dad’s last son Ottar was born today. The man was a rabbit!





53-02.jpg





A merchant named Anthony Robbins popped by today, offering to teach me how to be a selling machine by unleashing the “Power Within,” a series of tapes which would show me his proven techniques to win friends, influence people and make upwards of 5000 pounds of gold a week working part time out of my house!

The Spymaster and Regent, Niels, advised me not to give this guy a penny, but you know what, I am really rich and the King, while Niels is a low-born nobody, so I’ll do what I want.

Niels looked really mad when I told him that, but he’s just a stupid spymaster. What’s he going to do about it?





53-03.jpg





My generals killed a bunch of Pagans in Vasterbotten. Have fun in Hell heathens! Oh hey, it’s Spymaster Niels!

Have you come to apologize for daring to tell a King what to do low-born dirt-bag?

Hey that’s a big axe you have there Spymaster Niels!





53-04.jpg






Viken, Norway – Today, King Grim was found hacked to death in his Royal Chambers with an axe. An investigation by the Spymaster Niels and the King’s brother and heir Half-Dan, has found definitive proof that the young king committed suicide because he felt guilty for ignoring trusted advisors and wasting lots of gold on charlatan tutors.







And now we know what will happen: he will be murdered by his Spymaster. Now the throne falls to the shortest man to ever sit on the Norse Throne, King Half-Dan! I would wonder what excitement he might bring to the halls of Viken, but I think we all probably know the answer to that question! Tune in next time when Half-Dan maybe does something on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
 
  • 1
Reactions:
Wow... I can say I have never seen that event before in CK. Impressive. Seems like the Crovans are finding all sorts of ways to die, lol :)
 
General_BT said:
Wow... I can say I have never seen that event before in CK. Impressive. Seems like the Crovans are finding all sorts of ways to die, lol :)

they are an industrious lot...just not in a conventional sense.

I have to say, that came as a total shock to me when it happened. I really wonder if it had anything to do with a minority ruler with majority age full brothers. Hopefully someone who knows something about CK reads this and can enlighten me, because I have heard of this "research" thing, and it sounds painful.
 
Alfred Packer said:
I've thought about doing that (putting it into a PDF or DOC file). I have all 57 completed episodes and their pictures stored on my hard drive just for this reason. The only thing I'd have to do is remove the HTML tags from the post files and then insert the images in their place...which seems tedious, though some would argue that I enjoy producing tedious things. :) (and don't think I won't remember your offer...because I am a lazy mooch after all!)

Seriously though, I'm glad you've enjoyed reading the Crovan story, I know I have enjoyed writing it. Hopefully you like the short adventures of King Grim, since they are coming up right now!

Maybe put it into HTML then? HTML tags coudl be easily removed (search and replace). Yes, images are tedius, but the sooner you begin, the less annoying the work will be later :)
Well, maybe it would be simply possible to copy what was posted here (directly into DOC), but that would copy images as bitmaps (I believe), which would make the document much larger.
Anyway, thanks for the AAR :)
 
I've seen that event before and it's awesome!

And a very Crovanish way to go.
 
1226-1227

Half-Dan “The Man” Gunnarsson Crovan

King of Norway, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)



Ruminations on the early years, 1226-1227





54-01.jpg






Ha ha! Hey Niels, I guess dad was wrong about my chances of becoming King! I will show them all. No more will King Dan be a source of laughter, no! I shall call myself Half-Dan…I shall dare anyone to laugh when they say it.





54-02.jpg





This is Duke Bo of Slesvig. He has picked a bad day to cross me.





54-03.jpg





First we crush his armies brutally – no prisoners!





54-04.jpg






His son Harald doesn’t even wait for a siege, he just surrenders.




54-05.jpg






Bo apologizes all the way to the gallows for his bad jokes.





54-06.jpg






I just had a son today, his name is Torbjorn.





54-07.jpg






Today the Mongols arrived in Persia, well, actually a few months ago. News doesn’t travel that fast.





54-08.jpg






More Mongols showed up on Great Lithuania’s border. The Mongols are said to be very dangerous and powerful foes, so, you know, good luck Lithuania!





54-09.jpg






Lithuania is pretty strong, so I actually wouldn’t mind if they get mauled a bit.





54-10.jpg





Of course, when I said that, I didn’t think the Lithuanian King would be killed in a bloody melee in the heart of his empire leaving a 13 year old to fend off the Hordes. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to lend some Viking Steel to this war effort. Big bad Viking steel. Led by a very, very manly King.




Huh. It seems Half-Dan suffers from some sort of complex about his height that has caused him to become rather belligerent and warlike. Now what should we call that? A Half-Daneon Complex? At any rate, it seems with such a pugnacious monarch we might actually get some serious action and adventure on the next episodes of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
 
  • 1
Reactions:
If there is one thing that history has shown us, it is beware the short people. Short people tend to be angry. Then also tend to be conquerors. Their fists tend to fit right into taller people's crotches.

Alexander the Great - short.
Napoleon Bonaparte - shortish (a little below average for his time, but not much)
ArchDuke Charles, his main opponent - pint sized
Iosef Stalin - short
Halfdan Crovan - I shan't say, I like my life. :)
 
General_BT said:
If there is one thing that history has shown us, it is beware the short people. Short people tend to be angry. Then also tend to be conquerors. Their fists tend to fit right into taller people's crotches.

Alexander the Great - short.
Napoleon Bonaparte - shortish (a little below average for his time, but not much)
ArchDuke Charles, his main opponent - pint sized
Iosef Stalin - short
Halfdan Crovan - I shan't say, I like my life. :)
And of course we need to add the Violent Vegetarian, Adolf Hitler :p

This bodes for great doings.
 
Last edited: