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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #661
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    Blast it .. another double post. The forum lags are ... slightly irritating.
    ReadAAR of the Mongol Week 30.10.2009 - 01.12.2009 in Thundergate's hilarious "The WRAITH of KHAN! All AARe mine!" (long week, wasn't it?)

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  2. #662
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    phargle: and the best part is, those lines write themselves!

    Kalenderee: It is a rather impressive footprint the Crovans have left behind. Most impressive is how much of it they don't own anymore.

    Eams: Yeah, that pretty well redeemed him, Crovan-wise

    Sokraates: No, Aslak's line is still in charge...Hakon is a legitimate son of Bard, so the Saint's line continues. Erlend's vile spawn still sit on several thrones (I'll do a full recap of the thrones of the Crovans as part of the "wrap-ups" following the last episode, but for now, I recall them ruling over Sweden, Finland, and Ireland)

  3. #663
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1430-1434 - Raise Hell, Smoke Crack, Boar Hunt!

    Hakon II “The Double Duce” Bardsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars



    Reflections on The First Part of His Rule, 1430-1434









    Yeah, I’m pretty excited about being King and all. I mean, as the 5th son, what were the odds, right? Most importantly, this means I have unlimited funds to do the really important things I must accomplish. I mean, as King, I have an obligation to the people, and not just of my realm, but of the world! For example, Count Oleg of Estonia, one of my neighbors…











    I’m totally obligated to out-boar hunt his ass! Whoooo!

    Loser buys drinks right?











    What the? One of my vassal’s violated the King’s Peace and attacked another vassal. Seriously Pelusia? In what world is this plan of yours anything but insane?











    What the? I was going over the Royal Scutage receipts when I noticed the Duchy of Dyrrachion failed to send their mound o’ gold in.

    I sent a Royal Accountant to investigate and they are claiming their Feudal Contract expired and they wanted to try free-agency before resigning.

    I didn’t understand any of it, but apparently it was all quite legal.











    Duke Vittorio of Toledo came by the Palace today to freely offer fealty to me, which was great.

    I asked him if he liked hunting boar and, get this, he’s never been boar hunting before!

    I took him on a tour of the Royal Severed Boar Head Display Rooms, showing him many excellent – and often partially preserved – trophies of my kills. I told the exciting story about each one of the hunts. I had him play the part of the boar in each scene so I could show him the excitement of the hunt in person.

    Then I took him on a tour of the Royal Boar Spear chambers. I showed him every one of my spears and made sure to share an anecdote about each one, so he’d see what a great experience boar hunting is. So he could fully grasp the excitement, I had him pretend to be the boars again, only this time I had the spears used in each hunt, so he could fully grasp the excitement of the chase.

    Then we stopped by the Royal Infirmary. My surgeons told him he’d only lose the one arm…and would walk with a limp even if they could save the foot. I apologized profusely for the accident and then left him with the doctors.

    I could hear the screams all the way across the castle.











    When I went to visit him in the infirmary the next day, the doctors said he fled sometime during the night. Probably went home to send off the pile of Tribute he owes me as my vassal. Or maybe to boar-hunt. I figured after all the excitement, he’d realize how cool Boar-hunting is.










    My eldest son Kolbein has returned from fostering somewhere. I have offered to take him boar-hunting in celebration and he refused! He actually called it “a damned stupid thing to do!”










    You know what else is a stupid thing to do Kolbein? Insult Boar-Hunting to my face!

    Meet your new wife, Gisela “Man-Hands” von Eurasburg.













    And now, off to Trebizond with you. You may be my heir, but I will not have your idiocy (and ugly wife) polluting my happy home!












    Alright Yassir, let’s go boar hunting!

    Loser buys whores, Whoooo!








    Oh good. Hakon has found his purpose in life. The slaughter of wild pigs. Glad to see the author has decided to branch out from his usual 2 dimensional characters and is now trying out a character defined by one stupid event. How will Boar-Hunting be dragged into the game next time? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  4. #664
    Detective Lt., Police Squad Eams's Avatar
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    Håkon... I was expecting someone much, much worse.
    Why is King of Serbia a separate title? Shouldn't it be "King of Norway, Bulgaria and Serbia"?
    "Taking over the world with the USSR isn't a mission... it's just a passtime." -blue emu

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  5. #665
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    The all boars will fall event cracks me up every single time.

  6. #666
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    My, my ... what a lovely character this Hakon is. Though it seems he has forgotten his viking ancestry and hunts with spears instead of axes.

    Which reminds me:

    Once upon a barren moor
    There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
    The bear could not bear the boar.
    The boar thought the bear a bore.
    At last the bear could bear no more
    Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
    And so one morn he bored the boar--
    That boar will bore the bear no more.


    While I found the part on Kolbein and his wife funny, looking at Hakon's wife I get the impression that Hakon has also pissed off his father. Maybe he was an avid PETA supporter?
    ReadAAR of the Mongol Week 30.10.2009 - 01.12.2009 in Thundergate's hilarious "The WRAITH of KHAN! All AARe mine!" (long week, wasn't it?)

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  7. #667
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Eams: honestly, I don't know. With Bard it split the other way, with Serbia grouped with Norway. I suspect its because Byzantium is still technically a "King" tier and so just clumps in with the other King titles

    phargle: CK events are some of the funniest written ones in the paradox universe.

    Sokraates: its all those years in the sunny south...soon their longships will have ducks on the prow.

    All: I've decided to follow Jordarkelf's advice and only chose titles 1 out...the EUIII title has been chosen and will be revealed when the Crovan Clan moves into EUIII. Including today's episode, only 6 Crovan Clan episodes remain in CK, although I plan to wrap things up with a chart or map or something showing where in the world the 2 main Crovan Lineages have ended up (Aslak and Erlend - maybe the Halkjellians if any have survived) and a short history-book entry for each ruler saying when they lived, highlights, lowlights and maybe a grade.

    That will make for 18 entries (maybe split into 3 posts). I'd also like to do a Rogues Gallery for other memorable characters (such as Audun the Mass Murderer and Aslak).

    The idea for that is so that I can link to it from the EUIII game periodically.

    Are there any characters you, my beloved readers, would like to see profiled?

  8. #668
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1434-1437: Boar Hunting? More Like Bored Hunting!

    Hakon II “Boaroktonos” Bardsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars



    Reflections on The Middle Part of His Rule, 1434-1437









    One of my vassals had a great idea for an absurdly lopsided crusade against a small, 1 province Muslim minor.











    So I led the troops into battle personally. It wasn’t a very close run thing.











    And, of course, we won handily.











    Blast it! That sneaky kid stole my thunder, and the new province that should have been mine!

    You know, things like this don’t happen when I am boar hunting. There, whoever stabs the boar first keeps the boar. No exceptions.











    Alrightly then, I’ll try this one more time.

    Step 1: Invade 1 province minor.











    Step 2: have minor surrender to another country instead of me.

    Seriously, this little foray into international diplomacy isn’t going according to plan.










    Time to go back to doing something I’m good at. Boar-hunting. This time with my cousin, Svein.

    Loser buys Mead! Whooooo!










    I’ll bring that Duchy back into the crown once piece at a time.













    This seems like it would be much more work, so I’m just going to pretend I don’t see these petitions for aid and go hunting. For boar.












    Ugh. But first, I have to stop and accept Strymon’s surrender. Blah blah, eternal fealty. I get it already.








    Well, now you know. Will this boar hunting nonsense ever end? You know, the author really hopes one of these boars strikes back because, come on, boar hunting? You can’t sustain multiple episodes on that! Will Hakon…oh I don’t know…Boar Hunt more? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  9. #669
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    He should go bear-hunting, methinks. Wasn't that what accounted Gudrod's demise?

    And regarding highlighted characters, I have to admit that I don't remember that many by now... Except for Audun, and Halkjell. Oh, and that marshall in the beginning... what was his name again? Skule MacLeod, wasn't it?
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  10. #670
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglie
    He should go bear-hunting, methinks. Wasn't that what accounted Gudrod's demise?

    And regarding highlighted characters, I have to admit that I don't remember that many by now... Except for Audun, and Halkjell. Oh, and that marshall in the beginning... what was his name again? Skule MacLeod, wasn't it?
    It's nice to know my characters are so memorable. I guess I won't be wearing out my typing fingers on the Rogues Gallery!

    Oh well...I never thought I was Character Writer of the Week material anyway.

  11. #671
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alfred Packer
    It's nice to know my characters are so memorable. I guess I won't be wearing out my typing fingers on the Rogues Gallery!

    Oh well...I never thought I was Character Writer of the Week material anyway.
    Oh, I would say they are. The problem is that it is a long while since it started, it's been on hiatus, and I'm reading about fifty others as well. I've got a lot of time at my disposal tonight though, so I think I'll start doing a recap... For old time's sake.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  12. #672
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Will this boar hunting nonsense ever end?
    Never!

    You can’t sustain multiple episodes on that!
    That's a dirty lie!

  13. #673
    Quote Originally Posted by King Bard
    The Spwymwaster twold me he stowle the bones of swaint wodewick the wewwwll gwoomed.

    I think he his mwocking me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ogmund von Starchshirt
    It would seem his majesty was attempting to lead the soldiers from the front and tried to lead a charge, but no one understood his command to Run Down the English And Drive Them Into a Rout.

    So he charged alone.

    And lost.
    Quote Originally Posted by King Eadbert
    So, degenerate Vikings, prepare for your comeuppance. First, meet my Cousin Arne The Crazy Violent Bastard.

    He is your new King you lousy Swedes.
    Just a few of my more favourite quotations of the later Crovans; there must be dozens more.

    Seriously, Aflred Packer, your AAR is one of the funniest pieces of writing I read, like, ever. I've read through it all now and it gave me so many chuckles and instances of laughing out loud that I have long lost count. Thank you. The Crovans are a treat.

  14. #674
    The Crovans are indeed the rightful heirs of the Knytlings.

    (Actinguy gets honorable mention despite an entirely different AAR layout.)

  15. #675
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Ah, yes! Arne the crazy violent bastard, king of Sweden! We want to see what happened to him! (In my games, Swedish kings -- no matter what dynasty -- always have a disturbing habit of marrying theeir nieces...)
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  16. #676
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    phargle: I shall test your claim right now!

    The_Guiscard: thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you've liked the story and, by the way, I'm really enjoying your AAR as well.

    kalenderee: Thanks kalenderee...I always blush when compared to phargle's work because I don't feel I'm in his league, but I do consider that a very high compliment and I hope someday to live up to it.

    Snugglie: I'll have to investigate that...I can tell that either him or his heirs manage to lose most of Sweden in exchange for a smidge of Scotland, so...you know...par for the course.

  17. #677
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1438-1443 - in which boar hunting plays a major role.

    Hakon II “Boaroktonos” Bardsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars



    Reflections on The Latter Part of His Rule, 1438-1443









    Heh. For some reason, my son Viglik is displeased with my choice of spouse for him.











    Blah, blah, blah Lothian. Screw you guys, I’m going Boar-Hunting.

    Loser buys Replacement Serf/Boar Grabbers! Whooooo!











    These little German vassals come and go. I suppose it means I’m popular right now, but whatever.











    These guys are kind of cool. We haven’t owned any Scandinavian lands since Eadbert went goofy.











    You know, I’m willing to ignore it when little Lothian pulls a stunt like that, but you’ve offended my sense of color.











    Much better. Anatolia looks much nicer in an unbroken flow of Crovan Blue.










    I’ve got to admit, I’ve been feeling pretty down. I mean, it’s been what? 4 years since my last big Boar Hunt?










    Sorry Cornwall, it’s time for the King to Get his Groove Back.

    Loser buys dinner! Whoooooo!













    Jaromar was my last hunting partner. I reward those with quality hobbies. In this case, with a gift-basket of mercenaries.












    I’m thinking it’s a good sign…a promise of great things to come…like a Boar with Record-setting tusks!

    Loser buys virgin sacrifices! Whooooo!








    Sweet Jesus on a stick. This is getting preposterous. Will Hakon boar hunt more? Well duh. Will something awful happen to him? We can only hope. Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  18. #678
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    With that many traits I'm only surprised he hasn't gone split personalities yet. How's his spawn coming along?
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  19. #679
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    I don't know how often the hunting trip event usually fires but it seems that they swarm to Hakon like ... flies to a boar cadaver.

    Regarding Anatolia: You missed a spot.
    ReadAAR of the Mongol Week 30.10.2009 - 01.12.2009 in Thundergate's hilarious "The WRAITH of KHAN! All AARe mine!" (long week, wasn't it?)

    Paradoxian Idol - The Musical AAR that needs YOU!

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  20. #680
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Snugglie: conniving and vile as always!

    Sokraates: it fired like 6 times for him (maybe 7, I've forgotten). I've taken "artistic license" as to where they sit in the AAR, but I really thought he'd end up killed by a pig.

    -----------------------------

    And now: Monday's episode some 4-8 hours early!

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