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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #361
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1318-1324

    Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark



    Thoughts on his reign – the latter-latter years, 1318 – 1324











    Another hot young lady requested a little Skule-Time.

    The chicks still dig the hair.

    It should not surprise you, since I am a walking bag of human fertilizer, that this coupling has also produced a Royal Bastard.










    The Papal Nuncio stopped by and pointed out that having 8 (maybe 9, I think I've lost count) children by 8 or 9 different women is a sin, no matter how many die or are brutally murdered.

    I apologized and went to church once to appease him.










    The Papal Nuncio didn’t leave like usual though. Instead he stayed around Viken Castle, just kind of making a nuisance of himself.

    A few inquires revealed that Mr. Big-Shot Papal Nuncio’s visit might have been prompted more out of homelessness rather than the usual holier-than-thou shenanigans of the Papacy.

    I had the washer women chase him out with brooms.











    As we watched the Papal Nuncio flee on his gilded horse, little Sigurd looked up at me as asked, “Daddy, why are the priests all so fat and rich and ride such nice horses if they are supposed to be helping the starving poor people?”

    I looked down at Sigurd. “I don’t see you donating any of your crap kid.”

    Then I went back into the castle.










    The Duke of Uppland, who lives in Aland, and his 1000 retainers just declared war on me, King of Norway and commander of up to 120,000 “loyal” demesne and vassal troops.

    He should have tried his luck a few decades ago.











    At the big War Council, I was meeting with my top vassals when the Knights and Barons of Viken, the home province, made a suggestion.

    Apparently, in France and England, the King and his nobles get first crack at all nubile young brides.

    I was shocked at first. We can do this? And the Pope is cool with it?

    I put the war plans on hold and went scouting the churches for local weddings.












    The embarrassing part of acknowledging Agnes’ claim isn’t that I’ve produced yet another Bastard. No, it is admitting I slept with Agnes “Man Hands” Oland.

    The guys will never let me live that down.











    And Duke Erik Noforesight of Uppland surrenders.











    Now the Duke of Bergslagen has rebelled. Well, as long as nothing major happens, I should be able to stamp this all out without too much difficulty.













    I don’t know who is to blame for this flurry of official dispatches cluttering my desk, but I think it means I’m at war with England again.





    Skule’s reign has come full circle as we see rebellious vassals and (maybe) war with England. The author is not even going to comment on his continued debauchery. I mean, the guy is pushing 60! Join us next time as the war with England is resolved and Skule finds a way to stop dealing with rebellious vassals on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  2. #362
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Oh, and I forgot to mention that since Monday is President's Day and I do not work on President's Day (and also because a significant portion of my wife's family will be at the house this weekend) there may not be an update until Tuesday.

    If possible, I will post one tonight or tomorrow to make up for this, but if I cannot, this is the reason why.

  3. #363
    Second Lieutenant Chilperic's Avatar

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    Skule's virility must be legendary!

  4. #364
    Tzar of all the Soviets RGB's Avatar
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    I think some English bastards from English wenches may be in order.
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  5. #365
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alfred Packer
    The author is not even going to comment on his continued debauchery. I mean, the guy is pushing 60!
    Yep, 60 bastards.
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  6. #366
    If Bard does have any musical talents he could try to write something like Seven Brides for Seven Bastards .

  7. #367
    Crazy Crusader Kings Creator jordarkelf's Avatar
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    Wow, rebellions always happen all at the same time for the Crovans, don't they?


    Do you have any screens from the rest of the world? I know it will probably be the unrecognisable CK patchwork by now, but I'm interested.

  8. #368
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Oh, a jolly good time to come, chaps...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  9. #369
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    I just finished reading this. Quite a good story, and extremely funny! I'm hooked! (Like Skule? )
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  10. #370
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Chilperic: No kidding, I've never seen so many bastards from a King before!

    RGB: I don't know...he'd have to got to England for that...Skule's not a very Englandy kind of guy

    Sokraates: Ha!

    Sled Dog: I hate that Bard's humour potential will be wasted with an Elmer Fudd voice rather than on such comedic possibilities as these!

    Jordarkelf: They sure do...it's crazy. As for screenies of the rest of the world: I will dig up some (I deleted my old saves last week, but I don't think I purged the recylce bin - so I should be able to post some). I can tell you that France is gone, Byzantium is gone and I think the Fatimids are gone. Lithuania is a powerhouse in the east, Apuila still exists and Bohemia dominates central Europe. Germany, Italy and Burgundy take turns appearing, destroying each other and disappearing.

    Murmurandus: Indeed there are!

    demokratickid: I'm glad you liked it! I hope Bard's reign doesn't scare you off!

  11. #371
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1324-1326

    Skule Half-Dansson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark



    Thoughts on his reign – the latter-latter years, 1324 – 1326











    The problem with the Bergslagen rebels was quickly solved by killing them all and taking their land.










    So, when Ostergotland rebelled, it only seemed natural to solve this issue the same way.

    Plus, there are always so many hookers that march with us. It’s a veritable smorgasbord.










    NARKE – Today King Skule was found dead in his tent, a tragedy by anyone’s estimation but especially for the Viken “Red Light District,” where King Skule was personally responsible for approximately 34% of earned revenue. While the Royal Surgeons would not have a chance to perform an autopsy for several days, since the army was going to battle against rebels at the time of this report, this reporter has been informed by reliable sources that the cause of death is a “surfeit of whores.”

    Good King Skule is survived by around 10-12 known children, each fathered with a different woman. This reporter cannot name them all, but will note that the heir to the Crovan Fortune, Lands and the Kingdom of Norway is Bard the Bastard.







    Good King Skule has passed. The author suspects his death was hastened by a program unable to handle another round of Bastard Creating events. At any rate, the lecherous second part of his reign made up for the chaotic first part and it could be said his conquests in bed equaled his father’s on the battle field. The same will not be said of his son on the next exciting episodes of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  12. #372
    First Lieutenant Skyman's Avatar
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    Aw, sad for Skule to go that way! I was hoping he was going to die of exhaustion after too much bastard-fathering in one day. Funny stuff though.

    Can't wait to see what kind of a crazy Crovan Bard is.

    Edit: Ignore my top comment. I read this at 3 AM and thought surfeit meant exactly the opposite of what it does. What a mistake for an English major... anyway, I guess he died just how I'd hoped.
    Last edited by Skyman; 19-02-2008 at 18:18.

  13. #373
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alfred Packer
    and it could be said his conquests in bed equaled his father’s on the battle field.
    Though the author felt inclined to detail Skule's conquest more vividly and explicitly than he ever did Half-Dan's. This could be telling in regard to the author's disposition or it could simply mean, that Skule's father received half the attention Skule got.

    Now onwards to Deus Vult!
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  14. #374
    Crazy Crusader Kings Creator jordarkelf's Avatar
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    The King is Dead, Long Live King Bored!

    At least I am assuming that's how to pronounce the å in Bård

  15. #375
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    For one reason or another I read:

    Quote Originally Posted by some silly reporter
    NARKE – Today King Skule was found dead with a tent...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  16. #376
    20 level finnish ninja cloneof's Avatar
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    Bravo! Long live Skule, the guy who didn`t totally dig British Island (including the Ireland where he`s dynasty is originaly from) instead he sticked with the hair.

  17. #377
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Skyman: I am glad you found Skule's passing so appropriate...and no worries...I was an English Minor, and you see where that got me!

    Sokraates: Indeed, into Deus Vult! And I'll be ignoring the potential implications of the rest of your comment

    Jordarkelf: Beats me. I just pretend the accents don't exist.

    Murmurandus: I should have you edit all my work

    cloneof: Well, the chicks did dig the hair!

    And now - after almost a 12 hour delay - the debut of King Bard...I just couldn't decide how to proceed with him, but, in the end, since his impediment is canon (and I didn't want to just run screaming away from the AAR), I just plunged on.

  18. #378
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1326-1328, well, here goes nothing!

    Bard Skulesson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark



    Wefwections on his weign, 1326 – 1328











    Gweetings! I am King Bawd! Vwiken Caswul has bween home to Cwovans fowr hundweds of yeawrs.

    I think it is time to make a few changes awound hewre. Dis pwace is a dump.










    Ah, vewy good, no? I wike the wibbon. Spwayshus too.










    My poowh bwudder got wepe…wep…his awrm fwell off.











    Den his udda awn fweewel…fweeww…he got no awms an died.










    I am twying someting no Cwovan has twyed bwefowe.

    You may keep youwr wand, Dwuke, swo wong as you pwedge fweawlty again…and give me Vwamwand.

    And stwop snickerwing.











    De Cwont of Smawand jwoined us twoday of his own fwee wiwwlll.












    A cwertin Cwount decwared waaw on me. He wiww…wiiiwww…weeeeeeewwlllw.

    He is in twuble.











    Pwehaps swix thouswand swoldews. *sigh* wikings.

    Swix thouswand wikings wiwwl chwange his mind.











    The Spwymwaster twold me he stowle the bones of swaint wodewick the wewwwll gwoomed.

    I think he his mwocking me.













    Now the webewell suwwendews!





    Oh dear lord! Are we really going to have to deal with nonsense like this for the rest of Bard’s life? Let us all hope it is a short one, because trying to read (and write) his lines will get very tiring over the next exciting episodes of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  19. #379
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Oh no! He wisps! Well, I'ww just have to suck it up and rwead it!
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  20. #380
    20 level finnish ninja cloneof's Avatar
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    What are those new graphics? Soem sort of expansion pack?

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