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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #641
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Murmurandus: It sure is...sometimes it takes more work than evern Bard II can manage!

    4th Dimension: So, you've just reached the big move? The Saxon Dynasty was a fun bunch. It is worth noting the Crovan Rebellion Curse follows right on into EUIII, so it isn't just me! (or maybe that means it is just me)

    phargle: oh I know...the FYI events are kind of funny.

    Snugglie: I guess the "tough sh!t" element of the FYI peasant event does model medieval Crown/Serf relations pretty well.

    Junkyard_Pope: I think it's been 9 for a while...unless I miscounted (which isn't impossible) - and yes! We are back in action!

    Sokraates: Yeah, the "eating solid food phase" is my favorite phase of childhood (although "doesn't need to be carried everywhere phase" is another good one)

    Okay, only a few more days to offer suggestions on names for A Very Crovan Sequel and then I will think of some way to pick the winner (since they've all been so good)

  2. #642
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1421-1422: Bard II - Accidental Crusader

    Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia



    The Middle Years, 1421-1422









    The details are hazy, and immaterial, what is important is that the Duke of Vidin has just provoked a war with every single Turkish nation on Earth.

    What is even more important: the Duke of Vidin is my vassal.

    *sigh* I guess I can’t put off this crusade anymore. Time to Take the Bard II them.











    For the first time ever, I’m going to mobilize not just my demesne troops, but every one of my vassals.

    What could possibly go wrong?











    Even the dirty peasants support this war.

    At least, they better…if they know what’s good for them.











    Well now…all the other dirty Saracens have thrown their hats into the ring. I think Ossor’s Crusading Title is in serious jeopardy.











    While I agree you were all a bit hasty in challenging the might of my Viking Hordes, I think we’re just going to see how things shake out a bit before I make any treaties.











    You see, what is taking your little pile of gold compared to killed your entire family, destroying your serfs, burning your castles and taking your little pile of gold…and your land.










    This one I let keep his land, after he pledged undying fealty to the Crovan Crown. Oh, and got pillaged.










    Two more of my enemies surrender lands in exchange for their lives.












    This is almost too easy.












    And another Turk switches sides. If I’d realized what a push-over these vile Saracens were, I would have attacked them years ago!








    Wow! What a titanic War! As usual, this AAR skips over all of those dull battles, sieges, marches and counter-marches and takes us right to the action…the signing of peace treaties! Will this run of success continue? Will Bard ever realize how stupid his catchphrase is? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

    Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
    Things to surpass:

    1 - Going from Duke to King
    2 - Famous Crusader – getting really, really close!
    3 - Out-conquer King Half-Dan – complete Episode 119
    4 - Father 14 Kids – currently tally: 9 born (6 still living)
    5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
    6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116
    7 – Sweet catchphrase – complete Episode 119

  3. #643
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    I expect disaster to looming around the corner...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  4. #644
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Things are going all too well for this fellow. We need something to spice it up -- a bastard, or schizophrenia or something!

    (You could add to the list, "Court Body Count". When he surpasses Audun, or whatever his name was, he is within reach of becoming truly great.)
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  5. #645
    The Avatar of Time 4th Dimension's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglie
    Things are going all too well for this fellow. We need something to spice it up -- a bastard, or schizophrenia or something!

    (You could add to the list, "Court Body Count". When he surpasses Audun, or whatever his name was, he is within reach of becoming truly great.)
    Nah, conqueror are great because after them come their idiotic half brained sons.

    4th Dimension: So, you've just reached the big move? The Saxon Dynasty was a fun bunch. It is worth noting the Crovan Rebellion Curse follows right on into EUIII, so it isn't just me! (or maybe that means it is just me)
    No, I'm up to date, but that part about Balkans being peaceful (my theory is that we are peaceful out of spite to the rest of the Europe who simply have no class when it comes to rebelling), goes against everything. It's like saying "England is easily accessible by going over Dover Calais plains".

    And no, it's the game AI. Clearly he is jelous for your l33t CK skills.
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  6. #646
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Surely that crusader goal is nearing completion?

  7. #647
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    Alright, here are my suggestions for the future episodes

    Adventures of the Crovan Clan (CK)
    Adventures of the Crovan Clan II: Beyond Viken (EUIII. Beyond Europe, actually.)
    Adventures of the Crovan Clan III: For Those So Disloyal (Ricky. "Revolutions" is the name of the game.)
    Adventures of the Crovan Clan IV: How Could Corvans Be Any Worse? (HOI2. Since this is the last episode, they can't.)

    These are inspired by the titles of albums in my music collection. A special musical cookie for the one who finds out, which albums these are.

    Alfred Packer, did you consider taking episodes from various suggestions? Like Ricky from ReadAAR 1, HoI2 from ReadAAR 2 ... and EUIII from your own suggestion.

    Seriously, there are episode titles I like better than my own suggestions. Then again, there are some where I prefer mine.
    ReadAAR of the Mongol Week 30.10.2009 - 01.12.2009 in Thundergate's hilarious "The WRAITH of KHAN! All AARe mine!" (long week, wasn't it?)

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  8. #648
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Murmurandus: It's always looming...but Bard II...I don't know...he's like the anti-Crovan: happy vassals, friends with the Pope, etc...

    Snugglie: That's why I almost ended the AAR after the geneologies...Bard is just too successful. It's no fun. Good news: he dies in Episode 126* and the madness resumes.

    4th Dimension: and the AI should be! For I rock at this game (unless you include the part where my chronic debts mean there is no development at all over the whole of Europes - excluding certain large castles)

    phargle: That goal has now been reached. And don't call me Shirley.

    Sokraates: That's good idea, just cherry pick the best of them...I might do that...my L33t CK skills do not extend to album titles, so I don't win the prize

    *Kurt Vonnegut always said to tell your audience everything upfront...so what the heck...I'll try stealing his ideas too!

  9. #649
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Where the Elite Meet to Beat on Turks and Eat Pickled Pigs Feet...(I got nothing)

    Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia



    The Later Years, 1422-1424









    We’ve officially begun the conquest of the Holy Land.











    Remember that guy who pestered me about joining the Kingdom for years? He’s actually quite useful.











    Baron Smilac’s European Tour continues to be a great success, drawing thousands at each stop. Who are then massacred.

    Foolish Turks.











    Ha! And now Jerusalem has been liberated! King Ossor; You have been surpassed by the children of St. Aslak!











    Once again, Turkish vassals are jumping at the chance to join the winning team.











    And by winning team, of course, I mean me.










    The Palestinian Egyptian Kingdom drops their jihad like a dead lizard as my Viking Hordes approach their borders.










    Baalbek switches sides, pledging undying fealty to your truly.












    More Turk Vassals switch sides. This has begun to get tedious. So tedious that I am left with only one option.












    That’s right: offer the Turks a humiliating Peace Treaty, which they have no choice but to accept.

    And That is how you run a crusade.








    So another Crovan Record falls as the march of the Anti-Crovan continues. No rebellions, successful conquest and crushing debt…the Late King Skule remembers what can happen in these situations when an old and strong monarch dies. Hey, speaking of Skule? What about record #5? Does that even have a chance to fall? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

    Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
    Things to surpass:

    1 - Going from Duke to King
    2 - Greatest Crusader Ever – complete Episode 124
    3 - Out-conquer King Half-Dan – complete Episode 119
    4 - Father 14 Kids – currently tally: 9 born (6 still living)
    5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
    6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116
    7 – Sweet catchphrase – complete Episode 119

  10. #650
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    I still can't figure how he'll manage to go from duke to king. Demote himself maybe?

    And whoever's the heir, he's inheriting a crumbling tower. That might get really fun.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  11. #651
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    He's seen a million faces and he's rocked them all. Or at least forced them to become his vassals.

    I kinda think that forcing-to-become-vassals thing is broken. In the DV game I've been playing, it's like free no-badboy conquests.

  12. #652
    I just discovered this AAR and have read the first few episodes. What shall I say? I haven't laughed that much at anything I've read in quite some time. Wonderful work.

    I'm looking forward to savouring the centuries of adventure of the Crovan Clan!

  13. #653
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Snugglie: you are about to find out!

    phargle: I quite agree. I found Bard II to be absolutely no fun to play (or write about). By all rights, Norway should have collapsed into civil war long ago. I suppose it makes a WC possible, but what fun is that?

    The_Guiscard: Hooray! A new reader! Welcome aboard. Sadly, if you have reached the part where Gudrod is eaten by a bear, you have read the best this AAR has to offer. Hopefully you stick around though.

  14. #654
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1424-1428, years in which no monarchs are turned into prey items by predators

    Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars



    The Later Years, 1424-1428









    My son Eirik (the good one), perished in that long, drawn out Crusade, so I’ve got a new heir. Since I’ve ignored the other children, I’m not certain who that is.











    I’m feeling pretty inclusive today, so I will officially forgive Finland for rebelling, what? Last century? And welcome them back into the fold.











    Ugh. And Aleppo has drug me into another Crusade by attacking my son Hakon’s fief. Since I need to be fathering more children and don’t need to be away from the missus making more conquests, they will pay for this.











    The plan was pretty straightforward.











    I can’t help it…her burka is hot.











    You may have noticed that I am looking extra Kingly lately. That is because I have added the titles King of Bulgaria and Emperor of the Greeks to my name.

    Ossor went from a Duke to a King, I have gone from a mere courtier to an Emperor! Put that in your pipes and smoke it, children of the lesser Erlend!










    And while I am at it, Aleppo has ceased to be.










    What the? A vassal has rebelled? This has never happened before! Probably just a one-off thing and nothing to worry about right?












    Oh wait, I see the problem. It seems many of my vassals prefer the low, low introductory Scutage Rates* that the King of Italy offers new vassals.


    *Offer only valid for 6 months. Offer only good for new vassal enrollees. Must bring own lands to fealty signing and sign over Primae Nocturne rights to the King for the introductory period. Offer not valid for Heretics, Orthodox or Muslim Nobles, check with your local Archbishop for eligibility












    Certainly nothing consigning the King of Italy’s soul to Hell for Eternity can’t fix!








    Another victory for King Bard II, but will he be able to complete #4? He is getting up there in years. And, of course, that raises questions about #5. I’m sure he will prevail, are you? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

    Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
    Things to surpass:

    1 – Went from Courtier to Emperor! – complete Episode 125
    2 - Greatest Crusader Ever – complete Episode 124
    3 - Out-conquered King Half-Dan – complete Episode 119
    4 - Father 14 Kids – currently tally: 9 born (5 still living)
    5 - Rule longer than 59 Years
    6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116
    7 – Sweet catchphrase – complete Episode 119

  15. #655
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Hah. Eternal damnation - is there anything it isn't appropriate for? If so, I don't wanna know!

  16. #656
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1430 - The Year of Reckoning

    Bard II Torbjornsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars



    The Final Years, 1428-1430









    Of course, excommunicating the King of Italy had the desired effect. My beloved vassals began returning to the fold post haste.











    The Pope sent me an “atta-boy” today, thanking me for my hard work destroying the vile Saracen Hordes that have plagued Jerusalem for too long, and instead having the Holy Land guarded by Good, Christian Viking Hordes.











    It seems pretty clear my reign is winding down. As promised, it has been a doozy. My courtiers are mostly decrepit, old and incompetent.











    Of course, I’m no spring chicken either. Despite finding another toddler hiding under the wife’s burka (and bringing my numbers to 10), it seems clear I am not going to father more children than Skule. Of course…I have fathered more legitimate children than Skule…heh heh and that’s what really matters, so I’m crossing #4 off the list. God, I’m so tired, but still, I have one more thing to do to be the greatest Crovan ever.



    All I have to do is live for another 17 years and I’ve reached all my goals. Good Christ. 17 years…I’ll be 86 when I can finally die.



    That Skule was a Bastard. It shouldn’t even count since he was only 1 when he got the throne.



    Son of a bitch. Once again Erland’s Spawn seek to steal Aslak’s Thunder! No! I will consult with the Royal Lawyers and see if there is some loop-hole! This record will…













    *hurk*


    *thud*











    Join us on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan when Bard’s successor returns us to the Crovan mayhem we have all grown to tolerate.

    Bard II Goals play-at-home checklist!
    Things to surpass:

    1 – Went from Courtier to Emperor! – complete Episode 125
    2 - Greatest Crusader Ever – complete Episode 124
    3 - Out-conquered King Half-Dan – complete Episode 119
    4 - Father 10 Legitimate Kids – complete Episode 126
    5 - Rule longer than 59 Years - fail
    6 - Sweet Hair – complete Episode 116
    7 – Sweet catchphrase – complete Episode 119

  17. #657
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Fail!

    I dunno why, but these are always my favorite lines:

    *hurk*


    *thud*
    They puts a smile on my face, they does.

  18. #658
    "Hakon has inherited claims on the titles of most of Europe." Nice.

  19. #659
    Detective Lt., Police Squad Eams's Avatar
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    I love how Bard carried out a brilliant reign which saw his kingdom expand from the rather pathetic "Norway outside of Northern Europe" to an empire, and still managed to be peeved off at not managing to beat the least important of his goals. He should have killed his way to the throne on the day before his 12th birthday, the little wimp.
    Now, will Håkon manage to reverse his father's successes?
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  20. #660
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    *hurk* *thud* indeed.

    Fare thee well, Bawd teh Second. Hello Hakon. Met a Marit lately?

    I'm shure all those vassals who have been grinding their axes for about half a century hoping for the right King to appear, will be eager to try them out in good old fashioned rebellious ways (if Hakon meets the necessary low standards, that is).

    By the way: is Aslaks line now gone from the throne?
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