Hakon II “The Double Duce” Bardsson Crovan
King of Norway and of Serbia, Emperor of the Greeks and King of Bulgars
Reflections on The First Part of His Rule, 1430-1434
Yeah, I’m pretty excited about being King and all. I mean, as the 5th son, what were the odds, right? Most importantly, this means I have unlimited funds to do the really important things I must accomplish. I mean, as King, I have an obligation to the people, and not just of my realm, but of the world! For example, Count Oleg of Estonia, one of my neighbors…
I’m totally obligated to out-boar hunt his ass! Whoooo!
Loser buys drinks right?
What the? One of my vassal’s violated the King’s Peace and attacked another vassal. Seriously Pelusia? In what world is this plan of yours anything but insane?
What the? I was going over the Royal Scutage receipts when I noticed the Duchy of Dyrrachion failed to send their mound o’ gold in.
I sent a Royal Accountant to investigate and they are claiming their Feudal Contract expired and they wanted to try free-agency before resigning.
I didn’t understand any of it, but apparently it was all quite legal.
Duke Vittorio of Toledo came by the Palace today to freely offer fealty to me, which was great.
I asked him if he liked hunting boar and, get this, he’s never been boar hunting before!
I took him on a tour of the Royal Severed Boar Head Display Rooms, showing him many excellent – and often partially preserved – trophies of my kills. I told the exciting story about each one of the hunts. I had him play the part of the boar in each scene so I could show him the excitement of the hunt in person.
Then I took him on a tour of the Royal Boar Spear chambers. I showed him every one of my spears and made sure to share an anecdote about each one, so he’d see what a great experience boar hunting is. So he could fully grasp the excitement, I had him pretend to be the boars again, only this time I had the spears used in each hunt, so he could fully grasp the excitement of the chase.
Then we stopped by the Royal Infirmary. My surgeons told him he’d only lose the one arm…and would walk with a limp even if they could save the foot. I apologized profusely for the accident and then left him with the doctors.
I could hear the screams all the way across the castle.
When I went to visit him in the infirmary the next day, the doctors said he fled sometime during the night. Probably went home to send off the pile of Tribute he owes me as my vassal. Or maybe to boar-hunt. I figured after all the excitement, he’d realize how cool Boar-hunting is.
My eldest son Kolbein has returned from fostering somewhere. I have offered to take him boar-hunting in celebration and he refused! He actually called it “a damned stupid thing to do!”
You know what else is a stupid thing to do Kolbein? Insult Boar-Hunting to my face!
Meet your new wife, Gisela “Man-Hands” von Eurasburg.
And now, off to Trebizond with you. You may be my heir, but I will not have your idiocy (and ugly wife) polluting my happy home!
Alright Yassir, let’s go boar hunting!
Loser buys whores, Whoooo!
Oh good. Hakon has found his purpose in life. The slaughter of wild pigs. Glad to see the author has decided to branch out from his usual 2 dimensional characters and is now trying out a character defined by one stupid event. How will Boar-Hunting be dragged into the game next time? Find out on the next exciting episode of