The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

[Rex Angliae]

Alfred, Great to see you back and as prolific and humorous as ever. This remains hugely entertaining even if a bit size-ist! RA (6ft 1in)

[Alfred Packer]

General_BT & Snugglie: Great things are indeed on tap for Half-Dan, but it wouldn't be epic if he didn't have his struggles first! (and they come in spades this episode!)

Rex: It's good to be back! I kind of missed posting the daily update over the break...I don't know what I will do when Crovan Chronicling reaches its end

[Alfred Packer]

Half-Dan “the Man” Gunnarsson Crovan

King of Norway, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)


Ruminations on the early years, 1228-1230











And here is my son Sigurd.










When mighty Lithuania is in trouble, who do they turn to? Me, King Half-Dan, that’s who. I’m going to join in since there is a good chance I’ll be able to seize Osterbotten for myself.










The battle itself went well, but the Count of Osterbotten abandoned his regalia on a very high shelf as he fled the castle. None of my men will get it for me. I hopped up and down trying to grab it for a while, but I finally just gave up. Their snickering was intolerable. I shall return when I have executed every single member of my guard and purchased a sturdy stepladder.











I have been staying out of the whole Mongol War until now – mostly because when I made my earlier pledges I didn’t realize how far I would have to march. Unfortunately, the dastardly child-king of Lithuania has bamboozled me into declaring war on a close, personal friend of the Khan.










I’m going to go ahead and send Marshal Harald off with a token force, think of them as a vanguard for the Viking Storm sure to follow. Maybe the Mongols have a mountain of gold they’d like to part with in exchange for a quick peace?











You know what Lithuania, I’m not sure how or why we are allied, but I am pretty sure that it was not so that you could drag me into war with every single nation in the world. You are on your own now.











The token force I sent against the Mongols seems to have deserted. What is more, I have overheard some of the greater vassals declaring it was because I was too cowardly to lead them in person.

What really pissed me off was that I was standing right next to them when they said it. Then the damned Bishop of Angermanland set his drink on my head. Worthless clerics.











I’ll show them. I’ll show the lot of them how the King of Norway rolls! I’m taking another, less tokeny army, over to battle the Mongols and I’m going to run it myself. I’ve brought along Marshal Harald, so he can learn a thing or two about how to run an army along the way.











Yes, I know that I am already home. Yes, I know the Viken Regiment is being rebuilt from scratch. Yes, I know – now – that the Mongol armies often number as many as 40,000 soldiers. Just shut up already.










Niels and I had a little talk today. I thanked him profusely for his help raising me to the throne. I also apologized profusely for handing him over to the church after accusing him of being a witch.

I’d been thinking about it, and these last couple of years have not exactly been the most prestigious in the history of the Crovan family and, well, Niels has been known to, well, unmake kings before…

Fooled by a child and mocked by his own guard – not to mention the whole “didn’t bring enough soldiers to make credible war on the Mongols” and “accused of cowardice and used as an end-table by the vassals” things. This has not been a good episode for our hero! Will Half-Dan salvage his reputation and restore the Crovan name to glory, or will he continue to sink into the dregs like most Crovan Royalty? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[Malthaussen]

Reading this AAR reminds me of why the "Wheel of Fortune" was such a popular concept in the middle ages. I'm amazed you've been able to prosper through so much chaos.

Really good read.

-- Mal

[Murmurandus]

Mmmm, I really wonder how come I missed this nice little story so far...

But I must confess I have a craving for Crovans now...

[RGB]

Fooled by a Child? You're this close to impinging upon Knytling territory, you know.

[Alfred Packer]

Reading this AAR reminds me of why the "Wheel of Fortune" was such a popular concept in the middle ages. I'm amazed you've been able to prosper through so much chaos.

Really good read.

-- Mal

Frankly, so am I. I fully expected the game to end quickly with Gudrod's attack on Leinster. That it has lasted into the 1260s with this merry band of heretics, madmen, child-kings and murder-victims is something of a surprise.

[Alfred Packer]

Mmmm, I really wonder how come I missed this nice little story so far...

But I must confess I have a craving for Crovans now...

I'm glad you like it! The Crovans are the red headed step-child in the 10-picture-few-words-every-post genre, but then, they deserve it.

[Alfred Packer]

Fooled by a Child? You're this close to impinging upon Knytling territory, you know.

Yes, but then I always ride that ragged edge of plagiarism. Also, Half-Dan might actually get revenge - he is less hapless than the average Crovan.

[Alfred Packer]

Half-Dan “the Man” Gunnarsson Crovan

King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)


Ruminations on the early years, 1230-1234











Oh I didn’t forget…I’m back with my stepladder. As for the guards…they all went Mongol hunting with me last time. I don’t think we need to go into much detail there.










Now Osterbotten is all mine and I’ve fathered another son. Things are beginning to look up for the King of All Norway.










I think it is time to capitalize on this run of good fortune and engage in the ancient Crovan pastime of making war on Sweden.











Lappland yields quickly to my hordes. In fact, they yield so quickly that their Herald has to actually hunt down a horde well outside the Lapplandian border in order to surrender. The Lappians rightly fear Half-Dan the Mighty, King of All Norway!










Gastrickland falls quickly as well. Somehow, beating up on the Swedes just doesn’t seem very fulfilling. I don’t know. Maybe a century of Crovan revenge has spoiled their appetite for war. Yes. I think I may have to look farther for a challenge worthy of my attention.











Of course, I still plan to finish crushing Sweden first, you know. Put them out of their misery and all.











Erik the Dirty Swede accepted my proposal eagerly. Henceforth, I will be Half-Dan the Man, King of All of Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark. Erik will be known as Erik the Pig-Farmer and Hereditary Serf.











I celebrate by fathering another son. I am Half-Dan the Man!











My boy and heir Sigurd has taken to ruffling my hair whenever he walks by and often asks if I am his “widdle brudder.” This is rather unseemly and, since it would be wrong to kill my heir, I have decided to send him off to live in Slesvig, which should be punishment enough.










Now then, I have achieved the dreams of every Crovan since Ossor, namely the total domination of Scandinavia. Lets see…where else have Crovans trod and failed?

Frankly, I don’t know how to react. Half-Dan clearly must be a bastard. No natural Crovan does this much! And he’s planning more? What is wrong with him? Seriously! Get some lifts in your shoes and take a nap man! Half-Dan’s plans will be revealed in the next (unexpectedly) exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[Murmurandus]

I wonder which achievements he would have reached if he had been a Full-Man, that Half-Dan...

[Malthaussen]

It's early in the morning, I haven't had my coffee yet, and somehow my bleary eyes read "Osterbotten" as "Oysterbottom."

That's it! I'm definitely going to change the name in my game files!

It's a fitting mistake, since it seems that the world is now Half-Dan's oyster.

Go, short stuff!

-- Mal

[Eams]

If there is one thing that history has shown us, it is beware the short people. Short people tend to be angry. Then also tend to be conquerors. Their fists tend to fit right into taller people's crotches.

Alexander the Great - short.
Napoleon Bonaparte - shortish (a little below average for his time, but not much)
ArchDuke Charles, his main opponent - pint sized
Iosef Stalin - short
Halfdan Crovan - I shan't say, I like my life.

True, and it works the other way around too, with tall people tending to be emancipators:
Abe Lincoln - that's not a statue at Lincoln Memorial, it's his embalmed corpse, painted grey!
Gandhi - For a man that shunned foodstuffs, liquid or solid, like most of us shun cocaine or people who consider spymaster Audun to be a good role-model for their children, he was positively gargantuan.

As for this AAR and the claims from its writer that it's a plagiarism of phargle's Knytling tale, I say there's less sex and more twistedness in this (No sexual innuendo has been made in relation to Half-Dan's height, instead vertical defficiency has rendered him a murderous midget megalomaniac).
Alfred's funnier than Alferd, and I've subscribed.

[Snugglie]

Woo, Scandinavian domination. Now, that's a treat.

[Alfred Packer]

Murmurandus: Ironically, probably half as much

Mal: Damn...Oysterbottom! I wish I'd thought of that

Eams: Hooray! Another convert! Great Spymaster Audun reference by the way *doffs cap* now there is a man who went too soon!

Snugglie: Yes and Half-Dan has only just begun!

[Alfred Packer]

Half-Dan “the Man” Gunnarsson Crovan

King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)


Ruminations on the early years, 1234-1236











The Great Khan has been killed in battle (or maybe died in his tent from a surfeit of new wives – the news is kind of sketchy). At any rate, his successor is a very un-imposing five year old boy. Based on this information and the results of my last Mongol expedition, I’m going to let Lithuania handle this problem on their own.










Today I learned that some of the great vassals were going “suggest” that, as King of Sweden, I should follow the old Swedish protocol of having the great vassals elect the new king. I also learned that they planned to strong-arm me into this tactic by standing very close and towering over me.

Damn fool vassals. Half-Dan is not a monarch to be trifled with. I rode into the meeting on the shoulders of the largest and smelliest serf I could find – a pig farmer, no less. This prevented the nobles from crowding me and allowed me to tower over them for once (fun fact: the Duke of Iceland has a large bald patch!).

Then I pointed out that I was currently riding on the shoulders of the last elected King of Sweden and that they were currently enjoying lordship over the lands of the Swedes who had elected him.

That kind of shut them up.










My son Gunnar died today. Usually this is a sad occasion, but I was regretting naming him after my jerk of a father anyway.











Little Torbjorn, my non-heir son, was very upset about the death of his little brother Gunnar. I am led to understand that they were rather close. I pointed out to him that he would die too someday, which didn’t cheer him up.

Kids.










The Estates-General held a meeting and offered me large sums of money. Since I am the King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, I don’t really have much need of dirty merchant-money, so I had the army “escort” the estates back to their hovels.











When you are three and a half feet tall, you take advantage of any offers you get from the ladies. Besides, many excellent vassals, marshals and other courtiers are Bastards of Kings.











Unfortunately, my son Hakon the Bastard is not exactly the child prodigy I was hoping for.











You saw the boy right? He’s not exactly a threat to the throne.











I had a daughter. True, having girls isn’t very manly, but she is easily the manliest of my brood. Which is kind of depressing really.










Little Torbjorn stopped by with more of his annoying “meaning of life” questions. This time, he was wondering where heathens come from. I told him that they are demons from Hell, sent to drag his gibbering tortured soul to the nether regions and there, to torment it for all eternity. He ran off crying.

Maybe next time he will take his stupid questions elsewhere.

Ah, this is more like it: tormenting children and scrapping with the vassals. Half-Dan may be a true Crovan yet! Still, there is more to this diminutive monarch and his plans for glory are not yet finished! Find out what they are in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[Eams]

More comedy gold, particularly Half-Dan's handling of those Swedish nobles!

Fun fact: Värmland (that cursed domain which haunted previous Crovan kings) is Sweden's West Virginia: lots of people believe it to be filled with inbred, violent alcoholics who speak with a funny accent, to the point that movies are made portraying them as such... a glorious location to place in the centre of this AAR

[Murmurandus]

I suggest promoting all your children to vassals, so at least you have one problem less...

[Alfred Packer]

Eams: I am not shocked to learn that about Varmland...the drunken rebellions must be hard coded into the game then!

Murmurandus: Well, except for the girl children; fate and medieval social mores have a different fate in store for them.

[Alfred Packer]

Half-Dan “the Man” Gunnarsson Crovan

King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)


Ruminations on the middle years, 1236-1240











I sent my heralds off to all the minor independent lords of Finland with very nice gift baskets and nice cards offering them all the rights and privileges of native Lords of Norway, so long as they bow down and pay homage to King Half-Dan the Man as their new lord and master.

Kajanaborg saw which way the wind was blowing and wisely decided to sign up with Norway before the plundering begins. He, apparently, was the only Finlandian to notice the big Norse army sitting around in Osterbotten with nothing better to do.










Count Eystein of Satakunta was not so far sighted as his neighbor. I guess I could have mentioned this earlier, but I’ve decided to add Finland to my realm.

This is for two critical reasons:

First, if I don’t, Lithuania will and they are strong enough already.

Second, it looks kind of easy.










And boy was it ever easy! I’ll bet Eystein wishes he had paid closer attention to my heralds now.












I’ve decided to give Satakunta away to Mathieu the Ill-Spelled. I could keep it myself, of course, but it would seem the conquests of the last few years have made my vassals jealous, mostly because they only wish they were half as bad as their King.

Nevertheless, I’m going to have to sit in Norway for a while and keep an eye on things.

Great-Grandpa Skofte was right. Vassals suck.










Word has reached us that the IlKhans are making another attempt to invade the Turks, which kind of reminds me: wasn’t I at war with the Mongols? I wonder whatever happened to them? You never hear about those guys anymore.











When you are three and a half feet tall, you take advantage of any offers you get from the ladies. Besides, many excellent vassals, marshals and other courtiers are Bastards of Kings.











Unfortunately, my son Havard the Bastard is not exactly the child prodigy I was hoping for.

Wow. Deja-vu!











I had another daughter as well. Not that it matters. I probably won’t even bother to tell you when she gets shipped off to a nunnery, or nannies, or whatever. You also will probably never hear about her growing up and getting married off to some random 60 year old man at court – maybe a marshal or steward, but possibly to the moron with the 2 intrigue who keeps insisting he deserves a chance to be Spymaster – just because it isn’t worth the effort to go out and hunt down a possible husband who might actually be able to give her the good things in life and maybe even make her happy. You will also probably never learn about her multiple marriages to the aging courtiers, as she bounces around from one dying geezer to another until she is fortunate enough to finally die of a horrible disfiguring disease herself. No, you will never hear about these things because they are awfully depressing to think about, which is why I never think about my daughters and you never hear about them.










The burghers demanded the wretched peasants stop selling their homemade “crafts,” disgusting food, and broken junk masquerading as antiques in the town squares. Frankly, I agree as the smell from my altitude is intolerable. Instead, they are ordered to take their flea-bitten wares back to the miserable countryside. I have commissioned a set of rural “markets” where the flea-bitten savages can sell their crap to one another and leave the rest of us alone.










The Papal Nuncio arrived spreading annoyance and dread as usual. Once again, the Pope has made the request that a Crovan drop everything and declare war on the Turks, the mightiest empire in the world, in order to seize an indefensible scrap of land several thousand miles from home.

I told him I’d think about it.

Hmmm…do Half-Dan’s vassals think he is a Bad Boy? Maybe so…what else could explain the dropping of the conquest of Finland. And how about that Papal Nuncio – another crusade…will Half-Dan be tempted or will he fall back on the old Crovan stratagem of beating up on the local heathens? The fate of Norway (among other places) hangs in the balance on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!