Eadbert Thurcytelsson Crovan
King of Norway and of Serbia, called “The Mover”
Reflections on the early years, 1360-1362
You know what I see when I look at this list of my titles? Mostly a list of rebellious, degenerate cretins who broke my dear father’s spirit and sent him to his early grave. Seriously? Endless rebellions? Endless wars with England? Polar Bears?
Why bother.
Seriously. Here I am, the mightiest monarch in the world, and I live in Viken Castle. This dump was run down 220 years ago when my ancestor Ossor stormed the palace.
So, degenerate Vikings, prepare for your comeuppance. First, meet my Cousin Arne The Crazy Violent Bastard.
He is your new King you lousy Swedes.
I am breaking all the bad habits. Rebellious vassals trying to return to the fold? Dad and Grandpa would have welcomed them back after humiliating them. King Eadbert, on the other hand, has just two words for them: Sod off.
Check this out: One of Old King Skule’s Bastard sons is still alive! To reward his longevity, I have made him King of Denmark. Enjoy sucker.
Finally, all you treacherous Norse bastards, enjoy your new ruler, Wiglaf the Inbred. I have granted him all of the Norse Ducal titles, but out of Spite, I have kept the title to the Kingdom of Norway for myself.
Having disposed of that Nordic dump, I can focus my energies on my new home in the toasty-warm and decidedly Polar-Bear free southlands. I’ve moved the capital to the Imperial Palaces in Constantinople, something Grandpa should have done ages ago. It is roomy, well furnished, warm, and decidedly less rebellious down hear.
Especially since the Count of Hellas’ lands have been annexed to my demesne.
Of course, I still have to subdue all of Epirus, owned by the Duke of Gascony, but seriously, these are old rebels who were led astray by the jerk vassals of the north.
Uncle Olaf, my Bishop has begun having visions. He has declared himself Christ Reborn. I have sent a message to the Pope requesting this be investigated. If he is Jesus, well fantastic, but if he is just suffering from Stroke, who needs the hassle.
Father’s rebel vassals keep trying to lure me back into owning lands up north. Nice try, but Eadbert is no fool. It is White Peace or no peace villains!
Euboia has declared war on me. Usually this would be a rebel vassal, but here in the Southlands it is an actual neighboring free country. Granted, they are a puny island, and I control the massive Army of Constantinople, but then Count Leo of Euboia is not very wise.
I think I am going to like it down here.
In the most dramatic break since Duke Ossor Crusaded against his King, King Eadbert has abandoned the ancient Crovan Homelands in their entirety, moving his whole court to Byzantion. Of course, he is still fighting rebellious vassals and he is still fighting an island nemesis, so some things haven’t changed, but still. Join us next time as Eadbert goes to war and the Pope responds with all the tact of a rabid hippo in a swimming pool on the next exciting episode of