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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #241
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Admit it, it would be completely awesome to have Half-Dan become King of Jerusalem.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  2. #242
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    Definitely. They had a leper king, why not a hobbit?

    -- Mal
    "OF two choices, I always take the third."

  3. #243
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Snugglie and Mal: as exciting (and tempting) a prospect as Half-Dan storming Jerusalem might be, we must remember, he is a Crovan and they tend not to travel well. Still though, he will be making some waves in the Crusading world very very soon...maybe even right now!

  4. #244
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1241-1244

    Half-Dan ďthe ManĒ Gunnarsson Crovan

    King of All Norway, of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)



    Ruminations on the middle years, 1241-1244











    So the Spymaster popped by yesterday with an offer to kill my newest Bastard Havard. Iím really starting to worry about that guy.










    The damn Papal Nuncio is back. I told him I was still mulling over a Crusade. He responded that the Pope was mulling over a Bull of Excommunication. Then he asked how many trusty vassals I had.

    I suppose it couldnít hurt to make Moors fear the name Half-Dan the Man.










    The Pope can make me Crusade, but Iím going to have some say where. Iíve decided to begin my Crusade in England. The independent Sheik of Exeter is sure going to be surprised when 14,000 Vikings show up at his door.












    The vassals are feeling a bit uppity again. I guess they think that just because they halted my Finlandian Campaign and just because I backed down to the Pope for fear of them getting a license to rebel that they can just walk all over me.

    One of the lesser vassals on board my ship demanded that I revert to Elective Law. His exact words were ďthere is more than one way the nobles can change an unfit monarch, little man.Ē

    I had the vassal bound and tossed overboard. Lets see if he is fit enough to swim to England on his own.










    Havard the Bastard died today of an illness, which happens. Still, the Spymaster has looked suspiciously happy lately.











    Just so there would not be any doubt over who The Man really is, I left Marshal Harald and 10,000 of the troops on the transport fleet and stormed the beaches of Exeter with my personal guards.

    I personally led the army into battle, which was really exciting. I personally killed and wounded over a dozen men Ė groin shots mostly Ė before Svein the Big Oaf, my bodyguard, stepped on me. Weíd pretty well won by then, but still. It wasnít a dignified way to leave the battle.











    Exeter fell pretty quickly after that. Crusading is not so bad, itís a lot like conquering Sweden, just the enemies sound different when you stab them.











    Now my 12,000 Crusaders march on the Sheik of Galez and his 185 immortals. Crusading in England is like swatting flies with a catapult.











    It has been a busy year. Weíve mopped up a huge portion of southern England, crushing the local Muslims because I am the baddest Crusader to ever take the Cross and fight for the Lord.

    To celebrate these great conquests, I am going to treat myself to a hooker.










    My boy Sigurd has turned 16 today. Apparently, life in Slesvig can be pretty hard. He looks like a doddering old man. I may need to consider making someone else the heir.





    Half-Dan is quite the crusader, liberating huge portions of England between pictures! Of course, itís not Antioch, so will the Pope forgive this? Will Half-Dan conquer more? Will the vassals rise up in rebellion? Did that vassal manage to swim to England? The answers to some of these questions will be answered and Half-Dan goes sight-seeing on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  5. #245
    I think you should give away your Norwegian land...a demesne around Essex can net you much more income than one around Viken. Of course keep them as vassals, and press the Crusade North! Regain England to Christendom!
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  6. #246
    Tzar of all the Soviets RGB's Avatar
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    "Swatting flies with a catapult"

    Roflcopter.
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  7. #247
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RGB
    "Swatting flies with a catapult"

    Roflcopter.
    Seconded.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  8. #248
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Riptide: Someday they may, but Half-Dan likes Viken Castle's stairs: they are small steps and well spaced.

    RGB and Snugglie: I don't usually laugh out loud at my own jokes (usually because they aren't funny) but I did when I proofread that one.

  9. #249
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1244-1248

    Half-Dan ďthe ManĒ Gunnarsson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)



    Ruminations on the middle years, 1244-1248











    Itís like I canít help myself. I start out planning to seize Bedford and I just couldnít stop until all of southeast England was in my grip. Seriously, I am an unstoppable force.










    I know, you are probably dying to hear the minute by minute account of my advance across northern England, but I will sum it up for you in three simple words: Half-Dan kicks Saracen ass.

    As King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark, I am above Math.









    All in all, this has been a really successful Crusade. Even if the Pope still wants Antioch taken, I am calling this one a win. I even stopped off in the Western Isles, the Crovan homeland, and restored that, once more, to Crovan control.












    I have managed to get one of my Bishops Arnaud chosen as the new Pope. Iíll bet the Duke of Norfolk wouldnít have that smug look plastered all over his face if he knew his ass was about to be excommunicated.










    My thunderous victories have impressed everyone. Not only have my own vassals stopped trying to bully me (and, curiously, many have started taking swimming lessons), but others have come to Half-Dan the Man seeking his protection. Something I am always will to grant to people who bow down before me in abject obsequiousness.











    I know I just said the Crusade was over, but this is really a border rectification. By which I mean, I was bored and I needed to rectify that situation by killing some more heathens.











    The Sheik of Cornwall just rebelled against his overlord in Spain. The culmination of a brilliant plan to get himself killed and Cornwall sacked by the 11,000 crusaders led by the mightiest Lord in Christendom who were sitting around in Wales looking for something to do.











    With the border war over, I commissioned a survey of my empire. The most interesting thing to come out of the western survey is that I have had an Irish vassal for quite some time now. Weíre talking decades. Who knew?










    And here are my Scandinavian dominions. Once again, there is a German fellow who claims to be one of my vassals, but I donít know where he came from either. I wonder if they are just faking it so Burgundy leaves them alone.










    My latest Heralds to Finland and Scotland gathered in two more vassals for my great empire.





    Well, now we know the Pope will forgive it, since heís a close personal friend of Half-Dan! Plus, those conquests! I bet you wish the author had not gotten lazy with screen shots during Half-Danís CrusadeÖIím telling you. It was action packed stuff. Oh well, maybe next time. At any rate, if you think Half-Dan is done with his conquests, you have clearly not yet read the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  10. #250
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Half-Dan, what he misses in height he makes up in conquests...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  11. #251
    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus
    Half-Dan, what he misses in height he makes up in conquests...
    Short man's complex.

  12. #252
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    Sleddog: In this universe, it is known as a Half-Daneon Complex

    Murmurandus: Indeed he does...if only he could live 200 years and the whole world would be his!

  13. #253
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    1249-1252

    Half-Dan ďthe ManĒ Gunnarsson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark and of England, The Terror of the Moors, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)



    Ruminations on the middle years, 1249-1252











    The heathens havenít given up on England yet. Of course, they sensibly beat up on Brittany rather than messing with Half-Dan, the Terror of the Moors!










    The Sheik of Westmoreland threw off his allegiance to a powerful Muslim Empire and decided to go it alone in a land ruled by a known Crusader and brilliant general and warrior dedicated to destroying tiny single province Muslim powers. I would send him a thank you gift basket, but instead, I think I will deliver it personally, along with about 10,000 of my closest friends and associates. Plus a few trebuchets.









    The comet we saw in the sky clearly meant that I should go ahead and take Northumberland too. At least, thatís the way I saw it. All the vassals agreed.

    Nobody argues with me anymore. Itís good to be the King.












    See, and I was right, it was good news. I formed a Witan of leading English Lords. Curiously, most of them were Norwegian now. Then I surrounded their meeting house with 10,000 of my troops. They elected me King of England.

    Half-Dan can be generous with his power. The vassals finally got to vote on a King.










    Norfolk, tired of being the excommunicated recipient of not so veiled threats from yours truly decided that nothing could be better than to kneel at the feet of Half-Dan the Man. The Duke is quite tall, so watching him writhe to stay under my knees was quite gratifying.











    King Charles of France offered to form an alliance with me. I remember how these alliances work from my Lithuanian one. We pledge to assist each other in wars, then my associate declares war on everyone he can think of simultaneously in some insane plan to drive both our nations into ruin. I summoned the Royal Stool Bearer (an innovation after the Humiliation of Osterbotten) to place my step-stool behind the French Ambassador. I strode up it boldly and delivered a swift kick in the rear before having the guards toss him out the door.











    The time has come to take care of the Count of Finland, the only remaining one province power in the whole area.











    And now, it is just us and Lithuania in the east. *sigh* The pagans are gone. An era has passed.

    Oh well. Still plenty of opportunities for mayhem in the British Isles.










    The Duke of Strathclyde just pledged his undying loyalty to me. This came as something of a surprise. Not that someone would want to pledge fealty to the mightiest general and ruler since Alexander the Great, no, what was surprising was that the Duke of Strathclyde lived in Scotland.










    I donít usually bother with countries I donít rule because they are just not important, but I felt it worth noting that Burgundy has finished collapsing into non-existence, leaving the King of Italy to snatch up the pieces. I wish Iíd noticed sooner. Then Crovan Blue would have been the national color of the Germans. Oh well. Italy will probably fall apart soon enough.





    Half-Dan is really on a roll now. His conquests are coming so thick and fast the author can barely keep up with them! Where will the diminutive master of Norway strike next? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  14. #254
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Something is bound to go wrong soon...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  15. #255
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Wtf? A Duke of Strathclyde actually living in Strathclyde? What what what? What's the world coming to...
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  16. #256
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Murmurandus: Half-Dan's roll can't go on forever, but he might have a few more bloody conquests up his sleeve!

    Snugglie: I don't know when the Arab Duke of Strathclyde who ruled Toledo lost his title. I wish I'd followed his career closer, it could have been an amusing story in its own right.

  17. #257
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1252-1256

    Half-Dan ďthe ManĒ Gunnarsson Crovan

    King of All Norway of Sweden of Denmark of England and of Scotland, The Terror of the Moors, the Pocket Monarch (not said to his face)



    Ruminations on the later years, 1252-1256











    Two more lesser men pledge their loyalty to Half-Dan the Man. At the same time, the clergy of the realm sent a messenger offering to help out with the Crusade. They wanted to raise up some armies and lead them in person.

    The thought of spending my whole Crusade in the presence of those damn clerics appalled me, so I just took the money theyíd raised for the venture and wished them good day.










    Would you care to guess which Muslim English power will be the next to taste my wrath?









    The Count of Nyland rebelled against his overlord, the Duke of Finland today. Ha! The tables truly have turned. Now it is the great vassals whoíve plagued my family for generations tasting the joys of violent rebellion. I offered to help, but I didnít mean it. If you canít keep the Nylandese at bay, you donít deserve your Duchy.












    Iíve considered this for a while. To date, Iíve mostly avoided wars with the greater Spanish powers dominating the British Isles. But if the Moors are truly to fear Half-Dan the Man, they will need to be crushed one and all. My first target will be the Emir of Toledo. His time in England is officially numbered.










    The Emir of Mosul did send an army to try and retake Devon, sending an expedition of 5,000 men into England. Ha! That may have been good enough to stomp the life out of a Norman Kingdom, but now you are facing Half-Dan the Man and his Viking Hordes!

    They were crushed in short order.











    The coffers were somewhat depleted, so this time I was okay with a little dirty Merchant-Money. I did accept it with bad grace, though.











    I received a messenger who declared that Vestisland had been recovered for the crown. This somewhat surprised me, because I didnít remember them not being part of the crown. I know that Earl Yaropolk was in charge there, and according to the messengers, he has surrendered outright, which, you know, hey great.

    The funny part is, I donít remember doing anything here. Was Yaropolk and independent Earl who I just invaded? Was he a rebellious vassal? I donít know. I donít even know who I sent to capture the place or when I sent them!

    Maybe Half-Dan the Man should stick to heroic conquests and leave the multi-tasking to lesser monarchs.











    Now I do remember sending troops to Nyland, since the Duke of Finland has proved himself totally inept at dealing with his vassals, I finally had to step in. I gave the county back to him, a decision Iím sure Iíll regret. Still, I sure didnít need to bother with it, since I had a much bigger fish to fry.










    And that fish would be the Kingdom of Scotland, officially recovered for the Crovan family.

    The really sad part is, that for all these great conquests on this Crusade, at some point in the past one of my idiot ancestors had already owned about half the land I am seizing.










    The Earl of Moray decided that it would be much better to serve King Half-Dan the Man as a powerful vassal rather than as a blighted pig-farmer. I salute that sort of foresight.





    And the conquests continue! Now Scotland is added to the realm! Mosul has been taught a lesson, will Toledo be next or is Half-Dan going a Moor To Far? Find out in the next action packed (if you ignore the fact that weíre skipping all the action filled battles) and exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  18. #258
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Mmm, I love to see those actionpacked updates without any actionfilled battles, I really do...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  19. #259
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    So "The Man" is conquering the lands of his forefathers, isn't he? Well, if you think about it, the Scandinavians migrated to Europe from Asia, while if you think about even earlier history, all mankind evolved in Africa. All the more excuse to beat those Muslim emirates and whatnots!
    .

  20. #260
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    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    Murmurandus: Half-Dan presented me with some unique problems. His wars were so massive in scope, it was really hard for me to keep up with them, for example, even though they haven't appeared in an update or so, he's still at war with Mosul (something I forgot during gameplay with unforseen consequences) and the Fatimids. The armies were so large, I just couldn't keep up with them and stopped taking screenies of the big movements. I kind of regret that now, because I think it takes something away from Half-Dan. Oh well, live and learn.

    Legolas: I can assume you will be a fan of the end part of the following update (rife as it is with promise)

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