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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #141
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    "Skofte the Sarcastic" definitely has a noble ring to it - I think his PR bods should get onto the propaganda campaign right away. Oh, and good luck crushing the King of Sweden into abject submission, I'm sure it's what he really wants...
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  2. #142
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    I loled. Several times. And then i rolled of the floor. And then i cried tears of joy until my eyes were red. Then i loled some more and did some more rolling. I only thank god i wasn't at work while reading this.

    Funny stuff.
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  3. #143
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    Devious Caitlin comes through again
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  4. #144
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    hjarg: thanks and enjoy!

    Specialist290: There will be a special treat for the Caitilin Fanclub (population: you) in update 40!

    Farquharson: I'm sure the Swedish King would...but that is the subject for a different (and quite risque!) AAR!

  5. #145
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    1174-1176

    Skofte Ossorsson Crovan

    King of Norway, The Heretic King



    Grumblings about the later years, 1174-1176











    Well done Harald, you may not be such a waste after all! Let me teach you the patented Crovan Cnut Cstomp…it’ll take the fight out of anyone.










    Today Viken has been restored to me, the rightful ruler of all Norway. I can’t help but to notice that the serfs seem to be a bit rosier-cheeked than when last I saw them, and all the merchants seem to have slightly fuller purses. Lousy Swedes! You bring disgrace upon the noble title of Viking! Oh wait.










    Today I seized the Swedish capital. I showed them how a plundering army is supposed to function by dishing out a little Crovan Vengeance on the locals.











    That pretty well broke Old King Bror. He accepted my demand of 500 pounds of gold and an end to any nonsense-talk about Sweden owning the Shuses.










    With the addition of the Shuses, my realm was getting a bit unwieldy, so I assigned Jamtland and Herelien or whatever it’s called to these two nit-wits. If they have the sense to betray me quietly, they should make for nice buffer states between me and those blasted Swedes.











    So, of course, Jamtland insists on a violent revolution against my rule. The bishop and all 84 of his followers declare war on me and prepare to march on Viken.

    I don’t know who the bigger idiot is. The guy who plans to tackle the King of Norway with 84 men or the Excommunicated Heretic who appointed a Catholic Bishop to serve as his vassal. *sigh* I hate being king some days.











    And you know what, since we don’t want that dump back, we go ahead and pillage them old-school Viking style.











    I took all his gold, but let him keep the land. It was all pillaged anyway and those dead serfs smelled awful.












    It is off to Church School for you Harald! This way you may get to be a clerk or a scribe when your brother rules all of Norway!











    Oh for God’s sake Hakon. Just look under your own bed. I’m tired and it is nap time.





    So the wars have ended (probably) and Skofte is home again. Now comes the real question: was this whole expedition a sign of greater things to come, or just a road-bump on the naptime-express. Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  6. #146
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    "Herelien, or whatever it is called."

    Comical since people from Härjedalen speak a rather cool but the more incomprehensible accent. Skofte is excused for not knowing what it's called.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  7. #147
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    1176-1179

    Skofte Ossorsson Crovan

    King of Norway, The Heretic King



    Grumblings about the later years, 1176-1179











    Herjedalen rebelled today. He has even less men than that damn Bishop had. I guess they grow ‘em brave and dumb up in Herjedalen. I dispatch someone to crush and humiliate the traitor.










    Today a Herald arrived from Otto the Traitor laying formal claim to the Earldoms of Vestfold, Oppland and Agder. That Otto! What a card. I hate to lose such a delightfully amusing vassal.










    And the jokes kept coming as the Papal Nuncio popped by requesting my aid in restoring Roma to the Pope. Seems that His Holiness, God’s Special Bestest Friend, was chased from his home by Saracens and now he needs the guy he excommunicated as a child and branded a heretic to pop by and save him.

    I took great delight in personally tossing the Nuncio out the castle door.











    Marshal won an expected victory, killing all 68 of Otto the Traitor’s followers plus 4 other random people he met along the road. That marshal is a true Viking!










    After a good plundering, the broken waifs of Herjedalen are turned loose, hopefully to be devoured by wolves. Or pagans. Which ever hurts worse.











    Here is my latest daughter Ashild. I have officially run out of “yet another girl” jokes.











    Oh look Harald, you may not have to be a miserable scribe in your brother’s court! When your evil grandmother finally returns to Hell, you will get to have her lands!

    I wonder what has prompted such generosity from that miserable hag. I shall have Caitilin investigate this!











    And little Hakon, since you will rule over this land someday and you have not inherited your mother’s skill at manipulating others, hopefully a good trip through Court School will help make you a better King someday.












    Caitilin reports that my miserable wretch of a mother seems to be doing a pretty good job of running Scotland. Good enough to add Strathclyde to her titles at any rate.











    And, it is worth noting, the Pope has somehow gained control of the Crovan ancestral home. The Pope has enough sense to not actually live there. I don’t know where he is staying now, but I know where he isn’t staying: Rome!





    Okay, and we have the answer. Skofte is back to sitting home and complaining. How about his mom – still plotting and scheming at 70 years old! And what about Caitilin, what will her mission uncover about Agnes’ plans? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  8. #148
    Skofte's gotta be gettin old. Not doing a bad job either consdering he's a heretic.

    Did you decide to try and convert to DV?

  9. #149
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rastak
    Skofte's gotta be gettin old. Not doing a bad job either consdering he's a heretic.

    Did you decide to try and convert to DV?
    He's 46 at this point and, yeah, I'm pretty pleased at how well he's held up.

    I've decided to convert when the ruler I'm currently playing as dies (current game year is 1280). He's young (14ish), but has had a pretty hard life, so probably by 1300, you'll start seeing DV screenies in here...kind of far off, I know.

    Speaking of which...I know you were having some DV problems, has the 2.1beta helped out with your game stability at all?

  10. #150
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    The updates are coming thick and fast here, and as enjoyable as ever. Good to see your treacherous vassals are now providing you with plenty of light-hearted entertainment, not to mention the Papal Nuncio of course. At least they're good for something!
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  11. #151
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Farquharson
    The updates are coming thick and fast here, and as enjoyable as ever. Good to see your treacherous vassals are now providing you with plenty of light-hearted entertainment, not to mention the Papal Nuncio of course. At least they're good for something!

    I always find it amusing when 1 province counts rebel and make outrageous territorial claims

  12. #152
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    1180 - Alas poor Skofte, I knew him well Hakon.

    Skofte Ossorsson Crovan

    King of Norway, The Heretic King



    Grumblings about the later years, 1180











    Ha ha mom! I knew I’d outlast you! See that Ma, it’s me, Skofte dancing on your grave you wretch! (hey my left arm feels all tingly…must be elation from outlasting evil mom!)










    Hey wait a minute! If Harald is Duke of Meath…he outranks Hakon…that means he will be King…oh wow…her plan really was clever…maybe….*huff huff* I should stop dancing for a second. Oh wow…I’m feeling a bit dizzy. And my chest…










    Oh God…must get to pen…must make Hakon…Duke of…Something…gasp….ugh





    Holy Cow! Knytling Vengeance from beyond the grave! Skofte has fallen at his moment of greatest joy! Hakon disinherited by technicality! Harald as King! What will become of the Crovans and Norway? What about that mysterious Caitilin fan club teaser? Are we at episode 40 yet? Find out on the next tear jerking episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan! (and no, next episode is 39)

  13. #153
    Quote Originally Posted by Alfred Packer
    He's 46 at this point and, yeah, I'm pretty pleased at how well he's held up.

    I've decided to convert when the ruler I'm currently playing as dies (current game year is 1280). He's young (14ish), but has had a pretty hard life, so probably by 1300, you'll start seeing DV screenies in here...kind of far off, I know.

    Speaking of which...I know you were having some DV problems, has the 2.1beta helped out with your game stability at all?
    YES! Much fewer fatal errors and none so far that couldn't be recovered. Multi-player LAN didn't crash as often either.

    On the Crovans

    Wow, I jinxed him! That was an interesting inheritence sequence. I gotta scroll up and take a look at Harald.

    edit: Yuch. He wasn't too impressive a few years ago. Roh Roh Rorge...could be more tough times for the Crovans. BUT, if Skrofte could do it as a heritic....who knows.
    Last edited by rastak; 06-12-2007 at 13:15.

  14. #154
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    1180-1181

    Harald "the Brief" Skoftesson Crovan

    King of Norway



    Memories of the only years, 1180-1181











    Losing dad really stinks. Luckily, I have my friends Holger Stewart and Abelard de Normandie from my (admittedly) brief time in Scotland. Mommy said she should be the regent, but these guys were real nice when I was in Scotland and I promised them before we left that they could be in charge in Norway too.










    This is my brother Hakon. He thought he was going to be king. Ha Ha! I gave him some Earldoms so he would go away from my castle. He’s stinky.










    Mommy told me that I should punish Skjalg the Disloyal by having him killed. She is a super-awesome spymistress, so I’m sure he’s doomed!











    Wow! Mommy never fails at this kind of stuff! Abelard and Holger got real nervous after the plot was discovered. So was Mommy, I think, because she left the castle. I guess her whole spy network were pretty nervous too, ‘cause they left too.










    Hey, who’s that in my room? It is kind of late…are you Sandy Claws? Toof Fairy? Oh! hey m….

    *Ack*




    VIKEN – Today King Harald was found dead in his bedroom, the victim of Murder Most Foul. Queen Mother Caitilin, renowned Spymistress and Master of Intrique announced today that all signs pointed to the King being murdered by the two treacherous Regents, Abelard and Holger, both of whom are considered at large, armed and dangerous. A reward is being offered for their capture and immediate execution.

    Caitilin has announced that only a mother can protect her children in these difficult times and has assumed the Regency for her second son Hakon, who will be crowned in a ceremony later today.





    Oh my. Well. Regicide is never pretty, but it’s a good thing Caitilin was there to punish the guilty and to assume total control over Norway while her…heeeyyy. Wait a minute. Do you think? Maybe? Wow! You’d have to have a pretty high Intrigue and an awful cruel streak to pull off something like that! Hakon gets his crown and Caitilin takes charge in our next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  15. #155
    Tzar of all the Soviets RGB's Avatar
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    Motherly love takes a whole new meaning.

    And is it just me or is this channeling Phargle somewhat?
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  16. #156
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    Hey, I was right!

    Fan club? Who said anything about a fan club? I was just making some random comments

    At any rate, it should be interesting to see what happens next. Regicide is definitely not cool, but I suppose that as long as she keeps the secret from getting out, she'll be safe (in a relative sense).

    What I'm wondering, though, is how Hakon will take the throne when he reaches maturity. Will he try to undo his mother's schemes, or will he remain an easily-manipulatable puppet for his mother? (My guess is probably on the latter, given his performance so far...)
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  17. #157
    Mad Clansman Farquharson's Avatar
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    Wow! That's quite a reputation Harald had (-11.0% loyalty per month). I wonder if Håkon has a plan for getting people to like him more? Well, I guess everyone loves a vengeful coward don't they?
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  18. #158
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    RGB; I don't know...Phargle pioneered this sort of AAR and is still unmatched in its implimentation (although Farqhaurson and Anon's aren't such carbon copies as mine, what with them having talent and clever ideas and all), so his influence undoubtebly shows up quite often.

    edit: you know, thinking on it - he did have a woman regent run the show for a while - she shattered the Knytling Empire if I remember - so yeah, this whole AAR is simply a blatent rip-off.

    specialist290: random comments...but...episode 40 was supposed to be just for Caitilin fans! Oh crap! Now what am I going to do?

    Farqhuarson; I only let him inherit for story purposes (specifically for Skofte's death scene), but now I kind wish I'd let him live...I think catastrophically bad kings are much funnier than competent ones. I've learned so much about CK playing the Crovans...I only realized how bad his rep was when I read your post. Now I really wish I'd let him live!

  19. #159
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    1181-1185 Oh yeah, here's what I'll do: just post the damn thing

    Hakon Skoftesson Crovan

    King of Norway



    Regency Dreams – Caitilin’s Reflections, 1181-1185











    Hello. Ahem. Is this thing on? Sorry. It is not customary for a woman or a Regent to get to have these Reflections, so I wasn’t sure if it would work. Here is my dear son Hakon. Unlike his obstinate brother Harald, he was delighted to have me as his Regent.










    As you can see, the Kings of Sweden are now being invaded by Spanish Moors. Skofte used to boast tediously about besting them in war. Really, I am glad he did not live to see this nonsense. It would have burst his bubble.










    You know, I do have a plan. Something you are probably not used to seeing, what with all of the morons who have risen to the throne around here. If women had any voice at all during this stupid time period, you would know that Gunnhild, my second daughter with Skofte, is my dearest friend in the world. We are more like sisters really. All of my minions comment on how we look more like sisters than a mother and daughter. Anyway, we are very, very close. If I could have, I would have made her Queen of Norway, but these back-woods Earls would never have allowed it. What I can do is use the might of Norway to create her a proper Kingdom.

    I have chosen Scotland. There are many good reasons, but you are all probably too simple-minded to grasp them. Suffice to say, it is over-run with Muslims who have broken with their powerful supports in Spain and, thanks to Skofte’s horrid mother, we already own half of it.

    I shall start with the Shiek of Berwick.











    Our vassals start a series of wars which would normally get themselves destroyed, but this time the Norwegian Army is already en route, so all this does is make my job easier.










    The Duke of Meath must know that changes are coming in Scotland. Once again, the timing is impeccable. He shall be destroyed in short order.











    First Berwick falls.











    I have been informed that it is customary to attempt to be “funny” during these internal monologues, so here goes:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?





    To stick an ice-pick between the ribs of a certain traitorous step-daughter.











    Duchess of Strathclyde is a title which suits you dear Gunnhild.











    But Queen of Scotland suits you more.

    And look, I have achieved my goals. I only married a Crovan, I didn’t turn into one of the beastly hammock-dwellers.











    Hakon! Barbarian Saracens are attacking your sister’s new Kingdom. Be a dear and send the Norwegian Army out to destroy them!





    Caitilin achieves her dreams of placing her favorite daughter at the head of her own Kingdom. What took Ossor a lifetime to achieve, she achieves in one update! Well, she was always the active one. Join us next time as we find out what happens when Hakon reaches maturity on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  20. #160
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    Victoria 2Rome: Vae VictisMount & Blade: WarbandEuropa Universalis IV

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