The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

[Skyman]

I thought Bard's manner of speech would get annoying after a bit. But it didn't, it just got funnier.

[Murmurandus]

Good God, this is getting worse quickly... I guess I preferred Skule's Tent...

[Alfred Packer]

demokratickid: he does. Hence the delay, because I know lisping jokes will wear out quickly.

cloneof: They are indeed. They are from the Deus Vult expansion. If you have Crusader Kings, I highly recommend getting Deus Vult - it really adds alot to the game.

Skyman: I'm glad you liked it. It won't work as a running gag, but for one or two episodes...

Murmurandus: fear not gentle Murmurandus...I have...a plan!


Update to follow quite soon (forgot to edit screenies yesterday!)

[Alfred Packer]

Bard Skulesson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Wefwections on his weign, 1328 – 1329











Wifuwania is fwawwing to pweaces. Wike evwywon ewlse.










I fwink dis means I am at wawwrrrr wif Engwand. And the Duke of Twondewag is a Fwuck Fwace.










My fwust wictwim wiwwwl…wiwww…is gowing to be the Dwuke of Nowwfuk.











Pwoor widdew Ogmund. Fwust Weposwy and nowww, pwague.










A Hewawd appwoched me at the sweige of Nowfwok. The Cwount of Swufwok wants pweace.

And he wants to gwive me twewve thousand gold!

I don’t nowww whewww he got that money, but okay!











Fwust Nowfwok gets piwwaged












Den de Engwish Kwing’s Cwapitaww get a piwwaging!











And thwen I took Gwent! I am the gweatest Cwovan Wawwiowww evewh!











Ahem. Pardon me. Is this thing on? Okay, most excellent.

My name is Ogmund von Sockthroat. I have been officially retained by His Royal Highness, King Bard Skulesson Crovan, King of Norway, as his official Public Speaker.

His Majesty would like it too be known that he has received a rather severe series of stab wounds in the throat, left arm, both legs, and his stomach during the Battle of Gwent.

He was also run over by several horses.

It would seem his majesty was attempting to lead the soldiers from the front and tried to lead a charge, but no one understood his command to Run Down the English And Drive Them Into a Rout.

So he charged alone.

And lost.

His rather serious wounds have required him to take to his sick-bed. The neck wound, in particular, has rendered him unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, so until such time as he recovers, I will be acting as his living voice box, transmitting his commands from the Royal Apartments directly to his minions.













News of My Lord’s injuries seems to have traveled quite quickly, for now the Duke of Trondelag has expressed a desire to try his hand at the helm of the Norse state.

The local denizens of Viken Castle seemed rather unconcerned about this and, indeed, have advised me to get used to announcing constant rebellions.

I wonder if I have made the right career move coming here?

Well, it is nice to see that the author can come up with a cunning plan of his own every now and again. Let us all hope for a slow recovery for King Bard! Tune in next time when Bard realizes he is bedridden, severely wounded and only has girl children on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[demokratickid]

Pwerfect! A new voice for the Kingdom.

[Murmurandus]

Thank God for cunning plans!

[Eams]

Most stellar updates sir!
Though of course, taking Bard's speech impwediment in consideration, it would have been most fitting had a papal legate with a name such as Gargantio Testes or Phallos Maximus appeared...

[Fanzun]

I can't wait to see, what the plague will do to the royal family, when it arrives.

[General_BT]

Ah... made the move to DV, I see

I wove Bawd Cwovan's spweech!

Something tells me the plague won't have much of an effect. If anything, the Crovans have always found more creative ways to die than simply from some sickness.

[Alfred Packer]

demokratickid: and the first third-party perspective on Crovan rule

Murmurandus: You'd better hope for a long illness

Eams: Gah! I wish I thought of that...of course...Bard isn't dead yet...

Fanzun: Jinx!

General_BT: Yes, the switch has been made and thanks! Bard's speech will pepper the posts until (or if) he recovers. And you're right, no mere plague can kill a descendant of Gudrod!

[Alfred Packer]

Bard Skulesson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Wefwections on his weign, 1329 – 1330











Greetings again, it is I, Ogmund von Starchshirt, your humble narrator. This morning, I bring news of Great Import, for my Lord, King Bard, through the act of raw courage and nobility which has left him terribly injured and bed-ridden, and also from the overwhelming victory the rest of his army inflicted upon the heirs of King Arthur, has achieved a stunning peace from the perfidious King Olaf.











Emissaries from Duke Wulfhere the Saxon of Slesvig have reported to Viken Castle to request Royal Aid in their epic struggle against the Earl of Orkney.

Since Duke Wulfhere is not only a good Crovan and one of the most powerful of the Norwegian Lords, but also a direct descendant of Half-Dan the Great through the Senior Slesvig Line, I thought King Bard should have offered to dispatch a pair of English Regiments to his aid.

King Bard, had other designs. Apparently, he felt Wulfhere’s very name was a personal insult directed at himself, replying “Wuwwfhewww….Wuwwfff…Wuffheweew…The Saxon cwan dwo what he wawnts, but my vwikwings wiwwwll bwe stwaywing hwome.

Exwept fwor de wowns attackwing Twondewag.”

You know what, if I were a vassal of these imbeciles, I would rebel too.











Now the Earl of Vasterbotten has rebelled against his lord the Duke of Norrland. I did not tell King Bard, but dispatched a regiment on his orders as soon as the Duke’s emissaries arrived seeking assistance..

Someone has to desire some order in this place.











I think King Bard has some sort of father-complex. Like an Oedipal Complex, but without the murder and incest.

I base this hypothesis on the fact that he insists on promoting men to high office based on their resemblance to the late King Skule, for example, Ottar Ringnes, the new Duke of Trondelag.










The Black Death has arrived in the dominions of the Crovan Kings. There is some hope in the higher circles of power as well in the upper church offices in Viken that it is a disease which only afflicts the poor.

Accordingly, I have asked for a raise.











Today, I broached a rather sensitive subject with King Bard.

You see, while the King is still rather young, he has been bed-ridden from his injuries for well on a year now.

He also has no sons and current Norwegian inheritance laws would hand the whole Crovan Empire to his distant cousin, King Einer of Scotland. To me, this is not a bad thing. Einer is a King and a Crovan, so the crowns would stay in the family and, indeed, the Crovan Empire would but grow in prestige and power.

But no, King Bard says that “A Scwotish Cwovan may neva wrule fwom Viken!”

Apparently, the Scottish Branch is somewhat looked down upon.

I asked King Bard who should gain the throne instead.












His reply was startling. He felt that Duke Wulfhere the Saxon, as a good Crovan cousin, descendant of Half-Dan the Great, and the most powerful of all the vassals should be the King. He ordered me to have a charter drawn up changing the inheritance laws of the Kingdom to remove King Einer from the succession and supplant him with Duke Wulfhere, since no one would willingly cross Wulfhere the Saxon.

Ahem…except King Bard. I did not bother to mention his stunning lack of support when Duke Wulfhere came requesting aid.

I really do think the Crovan Rebellion Curse I have heard so much about is largely self-inflicted.










Although it is hardly seems necessary, since Wulfhere is so powerful, but King Bard wanted me to draw up his lineage so that all might know that he is no mere Country Cousin. His father, Duke Harald of Slesvig from 1304 until his death in 1318.

Duke Harad’s reign was marked by conquests in England and Excommunication from the Pope. Most of the tapestries he commissioned emphasized the former rather than the latter.












Duke Harald’s father was Duke Ale of Slesvig, who held the Ducal power from 1296 until his death in 1304 and really didn’t do very much at all.













And, of course, Wulfhere’s great-grandfather, Duke Kare of Slesvig who held the Ducal crown from 1284 until his death in 1296.

Duke Kare and his father, Duke Sigurd the Unlucky – who was in fact Half-Dan’s oldest son and heir to the throne until King Half-Dan disinherited him and exiled him to Slesvig – fought well and loyally for King Skule during his Civil Wars, indeed Duke Sigurd died during one of the final great battles.

As far as I can tell, the promotion of Duke Wulfhere to the Royal Dignity could be considered a “restoration,” of sorts, replacing King Skule’s line of bastards with the legitimate older Crovan Line.

But don’t tell King Bard I said that.

So King Bard has reached a decision on his succession, Wulfhere the Saxon is going to be the next king. I guess all we have left to do is sit back and wait for King Bard to kick the bucket…or father a son. Either way, good times are coming on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[Sokraates]

So Norway is now ruled by an ancestor of Elmer Fudd, who is represented by a news spokesman with split personality. At least he has decided on one first name.

Hmmm ... maybe Ogmund is in fact a former herald who has escaped execution and now tries to hide his true identity. Or maybe he actually tries to take revenge for what the Crovans have done to his former master-now-pig-farmer.

Hmmm ...

Whatever, this is great! I like it!

Now please introduce a Crovan news years speech by the King of Norway which will have to be delivered verbatim.

Bawd swpw ... swpwee ... swpwEEEEWWW ... talk WUUULEWZ!!!!

[Murmurandus]

Me thinks that narrator is becoming far to disrespectful of King Bard the Incomprehensible. Time to decapitate...

[jordarkelf]

I've never been happier to hear of a terrible injury on a Crovan, King Bored was hard to read.

So the Scotch line will be bypassed in favour of the Germans? What are you, the British royals?

Excellent update as always!

<self-promote>I extended the Crovan family tree quite a bit in the last DVIP... Godred Méranech's family can be reliably traced at least a century back, to his great-great-great-grandfather Sihtric Caech, aka Sitriuc ua Ímair, King of Dublin and York. The name Crovan probably comes from the nickname of Sihtric's son "Olaf Cuarán", aka Amlaíb Cuarán
At least now I know where the claim on Dublin comes from. I also linked that lonely Crovan in Scotland to the family tree as a brother to Godred (based on only one source, but probable)</self-promote>

[Skyman]

I think King Bard has some sort of father-complex. Like an Oedipal Complex, but without the murder and incest.

Brilliant. Dang Freud made it so that myth would be applied to every daddy-issue ever...

Anyway I'm interested to see what Wulfhere and his 1 Diplomacy will be like.

[Alfred Packer]

Sokraates: I'm guessing a spokesman for Bard Crovan cannot help but to become jaded.

Murmurandus: If Bard ever rises from his bed, he will have good cause to punish Ogmund.

jordarkelf: this is the second time in a row the Scottish king has been passed over!

skyman: Ahh, Good King Wulfhere. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict Vassal Troubles for him.

[Alfred Packer]

Bard Skulesson Crovan

King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark


Wefwections on his weign, 1330 – 1331











Greetings again, it is I, Ogmund von Starchshirt, your humble narrator. It would appear that the nobles were not as pleased with King Bard’s switch to an Elective Kingship as one might have expected.

The Count of Smaland, for example has declared himself elected King by his army and has decided to march on Viken.












Not to be outdone, the Duke of Smaland has declared war on King Bard, pressing his own claim to the throne.











The Duke of Norrland has also declared himself the rightful King of Norway and marched on Viken.

I think what is strangest about this mass-uprising is not so much that the nobles are rising en masse against a form of succession which can only benefit them.

No, what is strangest is how no one in the castle, from the King himself to the lowliest scullery maid seems the least bit concerned or surprised by all of this.











And now the Duke of Jamtland rebelled.

I asked Marshal Sigtrygg why no one seemed panicked or even slightly concerned.

He just sort of shrugged and said, “I dunno. I guess it is that time of year.”











King Bard gave orders to have the rebels forcibly brought into line, but he didn’t want them stripped of titles, although all their lands were to be good and pillaged.

I asked him why known traitors were going to be left in positions of power throughout the country.

All he said was “youwwe havwent wivwed in Nowway vewwy wong hwave you?”

I am updating my resume, if any of you are aware of job openings at a nice, normal Kingdom, like Bohemia.










Today the Duke of Ostergotland rebelled. It would seem even I have become accustomed to this. When the Duke’s Herald finished reading the latest insult-filled diatribe, all I did was shrug and say “meh, the Duke of Jamtland had better insults.”












A Herald from the King of Ireland, another Crovan family branch, stopped by Viken Castle asking for assistance in battling a rouge vassal – seems to be a family rather than national trait – so I went to King Bard with the request.

He replied, “Any man whoww cwannot beat Twir Eoghwan awone does not deswewve his cwown.”

I worded it nicer to the Herald, but no help would be forthcoming.










The Duke of Smaland sees the benefits of shutting up and being a good vassal. Or rather, the new Duke of Smaland, since his father only saw the benefits after being speared through the heart. That is a lesson only learned once.












With the Duke of Jamtland’s groveling submission alongside King Bard’s bed, only the Dukes of Norrland and Ostergotland remain in outright rebellion.













I think I will have some tea, take a hot bath and a nap before I bring these missives in to King Bard.

Okay, so I lied about the good times. I should have said rebellious vassals and war with England coming up! But if you have been following this at all, you didn’t need me to tell you any of that. See you next time when King Bard learns the Pope has no sympathy for the injured on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

[Murmurandus]

Decapitate him! Now!

[Sokraates]

King Bawd the Ewcwom ... Ewcwomwunwicw ... Hewwetwic.

[jordarkelf]

The Black Death has arrived in the dominions of the Crovan Kings. There is some hope in the higher circles of power as well in the upper church offices in Viken that it is a disease which only afflicts the poor.

Accordingly, I have asked for a raise.

Brilliant