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Thread: The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

  1. #501
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    "Surely, the author has to make the vassals rebel on command to keep the image of the story?"
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  2. #502
    Blasted Conniving Roman General_BT's Avatar
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    What would a tale of the Crovans be without rebelling vassals and mysterious, hilarious deaths? En masse?

    It wouldn't be a Crovan tale, that's what.
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  3. #503
    I am the Law Sokraates's Avatar
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    Oh my god ... one Englishman leaves and another takes over the throne. And what's his name: Eggbeard! No, wait: Eadbert ... that's even worse.

    Vassal1: The king is dead. Hooray!
    Vassal2: Hooray!
    V1: Drats, stop the celebrations. It seems we already have another king.
    V2: A true Norse? A Viking through and through? With bloody axe and crimson beards and ...
    V1: Another Englishman ...
    V2: *sighs* Alright. I'll get the axes, you'll get the swords and I'll arrange for a herald to deliver the formal notice of rebellion. What's the name of the new king, anyway?
    V1: Eadbert.
    V2: Oh ...
    V1: "Oh" what?
    V2: I don't know but he seems somhow ... likable.
    V1: Bert?
    Bert: Yes, Ernie?
    Ernie: I hate you.

    Thank's for the extra update and have a nice holiday!
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  4. #504
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    I have returned! It has been a delightful week at the beach. None of my kids drowned and I am not sunburned. I call it a win.

    I also find the Crovans have been bumped to page 2 for the first time since October! Without further ado, an update

  5. #505
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    Yay! *waits with a huge smile for more Crovan action*
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  6. #506
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1360-1362 In which Eadbert does something completely different

    Eadbert Thurcytelsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, called “The Mover”



    Reflections on the early years, 1360-1362











    You know what I see when I look at this list of my titles? Mostly a list of rebellious, degenerate cretins who broke my dear father’s spirit and sent him to his early grave. Seriously? Endless rebellions? Endless wars with England? Polar Bears?

    Why bother.












    Seriously. Here I am, the mightiest monarch in the world, and I live in Viken Castle. This dump was run down 220 years ago when my ancestor Ossor stormed the palace.











    So, degenerate Vikings, prepare for your comeuppance. First, meet my Cousin Arne The Crazy Violent Bastard.

    He is your new King you lousy Swedes.











    I am breaking all the bad habits. Rebellious vassals trying to return to the fold? Dad and Grandpa would have welcomed them back after humiliating them. King Eadbert, on the other hand, has just two words for them: Sod off.












    Check this out: One of Old King Skule’s Bastard sons is still alive! To reward his longevity, I have made him King of Denmark. Enjoy sucker.












    Finally, all you treacherous Norse bastards, enjoy your new ruler, Wiglaf the Inbred. I have granted him all of the Norse Ducal titles, but out of Spite, I have kept the title to the Kingdom of Norway for myself.











    Having disposed of that Nordic dump, I can focus my energies on my new home in the toasty-warm and decidedly Polar-Bear free southlands. I’ve moved the capital to the Imperial Palaces in Constantinople, something Grandpa should have done ages ago. It is roomy, well furnished, warm, and decidedly less rebellious down hear.

    Especially since the Count of Hellas’ lands have been annexed to my demesne.

    Of course, I still have to subdue all of Epirus, owned by the Duke of Gascony, but seriously, these are old rebels who were led astray by the jerk vassals of the north.










    Uncle Olaf, my Bishop has begun having visions. He has declared himself Christ Reborn. I have sent a message to the Pope requesting this be investigated. If he is Jesus, well fantastic, but if he is just suffering from Stroke, who needs the hassle.












    Father’s rebel vassals keep trying to lure me back into owning lands up north. Nice try, but Eadbert is no fool. It is White Peace or no peace villains!













    Euboia has declared war on me. Usually this would be a rebel vassal, but here in the Southlands it is an actual neighboring free country. Granted, they are a puny island, and I control the massive Army of Constantinople, but then Count Leo of Euboia is not very wise.

    I think I am going to like it down here.





    In the most dramatic break since Duke Ossor Crusaded against his King, King Eadbert has abandoned the ancient Crovan Homelands in their entirety, moving his whole court to Byzantion. Of course, he is still fighting rebellious vassals and he is still fighting an island nemesis, so some things haven’t changed, but still. Join us next time as Eadbert goes to war and the Pope responds with all the tact of a rabid hippo in a swimming pool on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  7. #507
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    Alf! You're back!

    And what a come-back. Surely, abandoning Norway for the Mediterranean can only be extremely wise.

    ...although I do hope that Wiglaf will usurp the title as king of all of Norway, thus forcing the Crovans to remain Greek!
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  8. #508
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Now could we really have met a smart Crovan?? Nah, I think not... He's probably as insane as the rest of the lot but hides it better...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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  9. #509
    Blasted Conniving Roman General_BT's Avatar
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    Remember, the line between brilliance and insanity is very thin. Its called success.

    I'd say the Imperial palaces of Byzantion are a far more fitting accommodation for a clan as powerful and great as the Crovans. Plus, there are numerous interesting steps for them to slip and fall down, battlements to tumble off of into the sea. Interesting ways for them to die!

    Looking forward to seeing where Eadbert goes next!
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  10. #510
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    Er, that makes you a Fellow Byzantine.

    The Crovan Roman Empire. Sounds like fun in the sun. Rrrr...
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  11. #511
    Who else suspects that by the end of the game, rebellious vassals will have finally overthrown the Crovan Clan and driven them back to the original godforsaken isles?

    Because that would be entertaining. And fitting.

  12. #512
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    Yay to Alfred Packer! Yay to the Crovan clan! Yay to having all children still in one piece after a holiday!

    So Eadbert has decided to look for cozier places to terrorize ... erm, rule ... I meant to say rule. Given this, I can't believe he was truly brought up in England. If he was situated far enough north, he might have gotten proper food and beverages but also a fancy for short skirts, cold temperatures and farm animals (which reminds me: young Wiglaf's heraldry looks as if the depicted animals were engaged in acts you wouldn't want a child to witness ... nor any grownup).

    But I digress ... I am sure Eadbert has managed to somehow leave England undetected, spend some capital time around the Mediterranean, enjoying his life, his youth and his daddies money (now that's what I call a debt! ). Somehow I like this guy.

    Now Arne, on the other hand, he's a true Crovan. Just look at those stats! Here we have a country that truly got what it deserved. (Did you "bless" Sweden this way for any special reason or did you simply give Viken castle to the most crovanesque Crovan you could find?)

    A great update and a fitting return to this AAR!
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  13. #513
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    Snugglie: Wiglaf has trouble tying his shoes. The title to Norway is safe for now!

    Murmurandus: Now that is a good question...was it Norway that made Crovans crazy or is it in the blood. Let's watch and see!

    General_BT: There are definately some new and exciting ways for Crovans to die in the middle east.

    RGB: Hey that's right! Now I can rip off all new people since this is the one place the Knytlings haven't trod (I think)

    kalenderee: it would be fitting but its not how it all ends I actually completed the final update last month, so I know the last phrase the last Crovan Monarch will utter in this AAR...now it is just writing and preparing the last 35 updates to get us there!

    Sokraates: He has still inherited the Crovan spite for England...and Arne was given Sweden specifically to spite the Swedes...the oldest Crovan enemy and home to some of the most obnoxious serial rebels

  14. #514
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1362-1363

    Eadbert Thurcytelsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, called “The Mover”



    Reflections on the early years, 1362-1363











    So the Pope replied to my request for an investigation of the Bishop Olaf-Jesus question.

    Not as thorough an investigation as I had hoped for but whatever.












    Meanwhile, my war with Duke Velasco of Gascony is going quite well. He is even sending out peace feelers. Unless those feelers include all of his Balkan lands, I won’t be touching them.











    This is why Wihtred is not the Royal Cartographer.











    The man thinks he is Jesus. What do you think he’s going to do?












    My armies marching to liberate Hellas stopped off in Athens for a short invasion, sacking and conquest.












    The Pope seems to be concerned that Jesus wasn’t paying proper attention the last time he was consigned to Hell-Fire, so he has gone ahead and issued another Bull.











    You may have noticed I never gave away my English lands. This is why: I plan to use every able-bodied man in York and Lancaster to help me conquer my new Empire and then I plan to ruthlessly plunder every piece of gold, silver, copper and pewter in all my British territories.

    Then I will give them away to some crazy and violent relative.










    The young count of Arta is swept into my protective arms, into protective custody and out with his eyes. Hey, when in Rome…er…Byzantium.

    Gascony is going to give up even if I have to kill every one of his vassals.












    Of course, I can always find time to swallow a small, single province sheikdom. I am so glad I moved down here, this beats the crap out of ice-fishing and waiting for my relatives to stab me in the back.

    Also, I put the Marshal in charge of directions this time.













    The Countess of Epieros has figured out how this all goes and wisely surrendered her lands and titles to me, saving one of us a lot of hassle. Good times.





    So Eadbert has shown an active and conquering side that has been missing from the Crovan line for several centuries! Will he overrun the Balkans? What is the Duke of Gascony doing in Serbia? Will Olaf get excommunicated again? Does he care? Is he really the messiah? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

  15. #515
    Zealous Firebrand Snugglie's Avatar
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    It would be rather awkward if the one that would restore the civilization stemming from Greece and Rome, would be a Crovan, of all the creatures on Earth.
    Stand up, all victims of oppression,
    For the tyrants fear your might!
    Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
    For you have nothing if you have no rights!
    Let racist ignorance be ended,
    For respect makes the empires fall!
    Freedom is merely privilege extended,
    Unless enjoyed by one and all.

  16. #516
    It's a lot harder to get sand out of your pants, shoes and hair. Then it is snow.

    I fear he might learn this lesson all too late!

    Yours is actually the only AAR i've really read,I love it. But sorry if i can't help but burrow the style from it.

  17. #517
    Detective Lt., Police Squad Eams's Avatar
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    This is what happens when you hand over the throne to sane, competent Crovans: success and expansion.
    Where's the tales of failure and stupidity on which we've come to rely? I suggest that Olaf or Wihtred be put next in the line of succession!
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  18. #518
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Eadbert seems to be flourishing under the Mediterranean Sun...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

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  19. #519
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    Snugglie: Awkward is putting it mildly!

    MechtheDane: Thanks for the compliments! Your AAR is great in its own right, and besides...I borrowed this style from phargle anyway.

    Eams: fear not! Trouble always stalks the Crovans!

    Murmurandus: Indeed he is (until now!) dun dun duunnnnn

  20. #520
    Off Again Alfred Packer's Avatar
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    1363-1366

    Eadbert Thurcytelsson Crovan

    King of Norway and of Serbia, called “The Mover”



    Reflections on the early years, 1363-1366











    Dumbasses. That was our smithy.












    And now Euboia and the Duke of Gascony’s vassals have yielded to all my demands. My new empire is shaping up nicely.











    The problem was, Olaf thinks he is Jesus, while I think he is a mutton-head.











    My idiot brother Wiglaf is attempting to rebel in spite of the fact I abandoned that miserable place years ago. What’s great about living down here on the Mediterranean, is that I don’t even have to pretend to care.












    Today a man I do not know from a place I do not care about came and asked me to accept a large pile of gold in exchange for an end to a war I didn’t know I was in.

    Thank you foolish stranger.












    Wiglaf sent envoys to my court offering me lands and gold in exchange for peace. Even down here these morons annoy me. I had them chased from the palace. Imagine! Me taking lands in Norway! Insanity.











    I never mentioned that the Count of Thrace rebelled. I was hoping I could crush him quickly and no one would notice that the Crovan Curse of Disloyal Vassals seems to have followed me to the south-lands.

    My plan would have worked too, if not for those meddling kids and their swords.










    On the plus side, my generals have successfully invaded Asia Minor, adding Abydos to my realm. I am starting to think that, perhaps, there is a new successor to the Roman Empire.












    Oh yes, and now to dispose of England. While my cousin is not as incompetent as I would like, he does have a serious heart condition, so there is a good chance those Englishmen will have to suffer through some sort of child ruler.













    Great. Now the Duke of Vidin has rebelled. Am I going to end up like my father?





    The scenery is different, but the story is the same. Yet another Crovan is succumbing to Crazy Rebel Vassal Syndrome. Will Eadbert survive? Will he go mad? Will Olaf return to the court? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!

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