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Thread: There might be Vikings out there! Or: how I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut

  1. #1
    Your Friendly Dictator Grubnessul's Avatar
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    There might be Vikings out there! Or: how I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut

    There might be Vikings out there! Or: how I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut

    Warning: Stop reading until you’ve read the following warning (…)

    Warning
    This AAR is know to contain trashes of sarcasm, sex, foul language, unnecessary violence, bad jokes and overall hints of cynicism and insanity. The minimum age for reading this AAR is roundabout 25 with guardians attending, it should be considered safe for people over the 40.

    This AAR could be considered offensive by: Norwegians, French, Swedes, Dutch, British, Russians, Finns, Germans, Austrians, Vikings, Turks, Hungarians, coloured people, mythological gods, native Americans, Japanese (though I don’t see how), Chinese, Swiss and human beings in general.

    Any resemblance between any person, happening, location or item, real of fictional is purely intended, coincidental and accidental and should be considered as homage to the work or person in question. The author takes no responsibility for any damage physical, psychological or material, real, imminent, likely or purely imagined that could possibly occur from reading this AAR

    or from any other possible source.

    All rights reserved, nothing of this production is allowed to be reproduced, copied, corrupted or used as reference material in any other way than intended by the writAAR, except for anyone who reads it, their grannies, sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, uncles, cats, dogs, fruit bats or halibuts.

    Now back to our AAR.

    The beginning

    In a long long time, in Norway, which is pretty far far away…

    We start our story in the beautiful country of Norway… land of the free and brave, daring Vikings, mother of the most murderous, barbarous, cruellest, most vicious and certainly most smelling bastardly sons of motherless bitches the world has ever seen. Well at least it used to be… Now it’s a boring small, but still smelling country. Where the fjords outnumber the inhabitants and the times a year those inhabitants wash themselves outnumbers the amount of ducats in the treasury. Did I mention already that it was a smelly country?

    (Sudden female voice) Norway is changing, I feel it in the vodka, I feel it in the fjords, I smell it in the air... (Not that the smell is getting any less or something) Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember what it was like to be a Viking…

    (Back to the original narrator voice) Yea, right, as I was saying. We write the year 1453 A.D., the Byzantine Empire has finally collapsed under the might and fury of the Ottoman Turks (actually, they cheated by using cannons), the 100 years war is about to end (The French are just soooo much cooler than those smelly British), a goldfish with three heads is found. And in Norway a new prince is born. But because it would be extremely boring to hear how his first burp was, when he first eat a living dog or that his first two words were ‘beer’ and ‘women’ we will fast forward to his 20th birthday, when the young Harold Hammerhoft had a very interesting vision…

    Next: The interesting vision
    Last edited by Grubnessul; 19-08-2007 at 12:02.
    "History is form of cybersex!"
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    - General Schenkhuizen, Timeslines: What if Spain failed to control the world?
    There might be Vikings out there! Or: How I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut (pining for the Fjords since I lost my USB and the save game)

    Patriotism leads to nationalism, nationalism leads to racism, racism leads to suffering...

  2. #2
    Your Friendly Dictator Grubnessul's Avatar
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    So, this is my first attempt to write an AAR, in fact, it is my first attempt to write something humorous. Comments and critics are most welcome. Also as english isn't my first language, I'd appreciate it if you would notify me of any typo's or weird sentence constructions.

    (Last note, as you might have guessed if you came this far, don't take anything here serious, ever)
    "History is form of cybersex!"
    EvilSanta
    "Please, call me Grubby"
    - General Schenkhuizen, Timeslines: What if Spain failed to control the world?
    There might be Vikings out there! Or: How I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut (pining for the Fjords since I lost my USB and the save game)

    Patriotism leads to nationalism, nationalism leads to racism, racism leads to suffering...

  3. #3
    Good luck! Nice start

  4. #4
    Alien Space Bat Judas Maccabeus's Avatar
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    Ah, good, Grubby's got his own AAR now. Looks pretty good so far, and although I've never been to Norway I think your assessment of the place is spot on (which is why I've never been to Norway).
    SHEEP ARE THE FUTURE

    While Thou Shalt Flourish Great and Free (Saxon England, pt. 3) (Started 11 October 2010)
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  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Grubnessul
    This AAR could be considered offensive by: Norwegians, French, Swedes, Dutch, British, Russians, Finns, Germans, Austrians, Vikings, Turks, Hungarians, coloured people, mythological gods, native Americans, Japanese (though I don’t see how), Chinese, Swiss and human beings in general.
    Next: The interesting vision
    God bless i'm polish xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Grubnessul
    (The French are just soooo much cooler than those smelly British)
    http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

  6. #6
    Pistrix! Pistrix! Wetew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IAmTheSpoon
    God bless i'm polish xD
    This AAR could be considered offensive by: Norwegians, French, Swedes, Dutch, British, Russians, Finns, Germans, Austrians, Vikings, Turks, Hungarians, coloured people, mythological gods, native Americans, Japanese (though I don’t see how), Chinese, Swiss and human beings in general.






    Funny start on this AAR by the way

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  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Grubnessul
    Warning
    This AAR is know to contain trashes of sarcasm, sex, foul language, unnecessary violence, bad jokes and overall hints of cynicism and insanity. The minimum age for reading this AAR is roundabout 25 with guardians attending, it should be considered safe for people over the 40.

    This AAR could be considered offensive by: Norwegians, French, Swedes, Dutch, British, Russians, Finns, Germans, Austrians, Vikings, Turks, Hungarians, coloured people, mythological gods, native Americans, Japanese (though I don’t see how), Chinese, Swiss and human beings in general.

    Any resemblance between any person, happening, location or item, real of fictional is purely intended, coincidental and accidental and should be considered as homage to the work or person in question. The author takes no responsibility for any damage physical, psychological or material, real, imminent, likely or purely imagined that could possibly occur from reading this AAR

    or from any other possible source.

    All rights reserved, nothing of this production is allowed to be reproduced, copied, corrupted or used as reference material in any other way than intended by the writAAR, except for anyone who reads it, their grannies, sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, uncles, cats, dogs, fruit bats or halibuts.
    With a delicious disclaimer like that how could anyone fail to read this! Great start and I'll be keeping tabs on this.
    you have 1 chance to give back the clay

  8. #8
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    good start!
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  9. #9
    Untrustworthy poo EvilSanta's Avatar
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    The minimum age for reading this AAR is roundabout 25 with guardians attending
    Fine, I did not even want to read this THAT much...



    Very good start. I am waiting for your Finn-bashing.
    Was würde Brian Boitano tun?

  10. #10
    General chefportnen's Avatar
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    What happens if we're under the recommended viewing age?

  11. #11
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    Grubby finally started an AAR ! Hooray ! A very funny beginning ; I'll be keeping tabs !~
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  12. #12
    Your Friendly Dictator Grubnessul's Avatar
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    The Interesting vision

    Spooky voice: Haaaaroooold, Haaaaaroooold! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaroooooooooooooooold!

    Harold: And who the hell do you think you are? Waking up the prince of Norway in the middle of the night?

    Spooky voice: I am Thor

    Harold: Yea right, and my name is Luke Skywalker

    Spooky voice that claims to be Thor: It’s true!

    Harold: … This is a dream, do you really expect me to believe some kind of voice in my head? You are not Thor!

    Spooky voice who claims to be Thor: Yes, I am!

    Harold: You most certainly are not!

    Spooky voice who claims to be Thor: I most defiantly am!

    Harold: No, you ain’t!

    This continued the whole night…

    The next night:

    Spooky voice: Haaaaaaaaroooooooold, Haaaaaaarooooooooold, it’s me again, Thor

    Harold: I hate it to have the same dream twice in a row, please tell me something else.

    Spooky voice: …

    Spooky voice: You’d better start to believe that I am Thor, because this is beginning to annoy me, Harold.

    Harold: Whatever.

    Thor: You don’t know what you’re dealing with, don’t ya?

    Harold: I do; with some kind of annoying voice in my head.

    Thor: I’m more than a voice, I am Thor, ancient lord of the mythological gods!

    Harold: You get off on annoying people, don't you?

    This went on for many nights, until Harold finally was so tired and desperate for sleep that he decided to listen what this Thor-voice-guy wanted.

    Harold: *yawn* all right, all right, you win, you silly voice. Fine, whatever you’re Thor, what do you want?

    Thor: Well that was about bloody time. Listen Harold, I want you to become a Viking.

    Harold: A Viking?

    Thor: yes, a Viking, why else do you think I kept you awake for all those nights? Just to come over for milk and biscuits?

    Harold: Well, I don’t know… that is, I don’t know… anyway, being a Viking sounds fun!

    Thor: Good, I want you to go and loot, pillage and rape around Europe. Make Norway the most feared country in the world again!

    Narrator: And so Harold’s quest to become a Viking started. First he grew a fancy dandy Viking beard, than he started with practicing with looting, pillaging and raping by invading Sweden.

    Seeing Thor appearing in this AAR might seem a bit strange for people unfamiliar with ancient mythological gods and stuff, however, for those who know the background of this AAR it makes sense that Thor is interfering personally with this AAR (well, more or less…). So before we continue our story first a short flashback of before the beginning of this AAR.

    Next: Before the beginning
    Last edited by Grubnessul; 21-08-2007 at 14:08.
    "History is form of cybersex!"
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    There might be Vikings out there! Or: How I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut (pining for the Fjords since I lost my USB and the save game)

    Patriotism leads to nationalism, nationalism leads to racism, racism leads to suffering...

  13. #13
    Your Friendly Dictator Grubnessul's Avatar
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    So first real update, hope you guys like it (I am a pretty chaotic writer so updates won't be coming as fast as possible cause I work on multiple at the same time, I try to post one every two days at the very least)

    Bad Santa: Thanks a lot!

    Judas Maccabeus: Thanks! I haven't been there either, hope it's less smelly then it was in Harolds days

    IAmTheSpoon: Funny fact is that Poland is one of the few countries that never attempted to kill me, yet. Thanks for the interesting link btw

    Wetew: Thank you. And yes, I guess IAmTheSpoon revealed us the true nature of the Polish

    rcduggan: Thanks!

    EvilSante: Yes you really do want to read it that badly . Don't worry about the Finnish for some time, Sweden is first.

    chefportnen: I'm not sure, maybe your head explodes if you cannot stand a bad sense of humour? Let us know if anything odds happens to you :P. Untill then, welcome on board!

    Cannonized: Yea, about time isn't it? (As will be revealed soon you're not the only one with that opinion). Welcome!
    "History is form of cybersex!"
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    There might be Vikings out there! Or: How I accidentally traded my wife for a halibut (pining for the Fjords since I lost my USB and the save game)

    Patriotism leads to nationalism, nationalism leads to racism, racism leads to suffering...

  14. #14
    General chefportnen's Avatar
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    It was funny; it reminded me of the The Simpsons' Tales from the Public Domain, when King Hamlet visits Bart. Ah, when you can make connections to such classics as the Simpsons is when you know this AAR is gonna be good.

  15. #15
    Alien Space Bat Judas Maccabeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grubnessul
    than he started with practicing with looting, pillaging and raping by invading Sweden.
    That sounds like an excellent place to start.

    And silly Spooky Voice, he didn't even try to provide proof he was Thor. At least carry around a hammer or throw out a lighting bolt or two!
    SHEEP ARE THE FUTURE

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  16. #16
    Stupid and without purpose Charle_88's Avatar

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    Thor lies. He isn't the lord of the mythological Aesir gods. Odin is the lord of the Aesir. Thor is just the God of thunder and strength, who rides across the sky in chariot drawn by four immortal goats and causes lightning and thunder with his magical hammer Mjölnir.
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  17. #17
    Lt. General BBBD316's Avatar
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    mmmmmm immortal goats........

    Good start viking boy, but I demand screenies. I Loki god of mischief and other random things like plastic dog poo have SPOKEN!

  18. #18
    General chefportnen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charle_88
    Thor lies. He isn't the lord of the mythological Aesir gods. Odin is the lord of the Aesir. Thor is just the God of thunder and strength, who rides across the sky in chariot drawn by four immortal goats and causes lightning and thunder with his magical hammer Mjölnir.
    It seems Charle_88 has just offered a major plot scheme. Perhaps Thor is merely the puppeteer controlling Harold to do all sorts of crazy things, while the god secretly supplants himself into the kingdom and eventually the throne itself! The madness! Oh the horror!

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Grubnessul
    IAmTheSpoon: Funny fact is that Poland is one of the few countries that never attempted to kill me, yet. Thanks for the interesting link btw
    Yeah, the other funny thing is that Poland and Lithuania doesn't tend to attack other countries attack other countries, meaning they're not aggressive, unless theyre 2nd ally attacks you. And 3/4 AAR's that involve germanic countries(Brandenburg, Saxony, Bohemia), russian countries(Novgorod, Moskva), Ottoman Empire, Hungary, Austria and the teutonic order - they all want to destroy them xP kind of sad :P In my aar i simply diploannexed them both xP You might try that too, i'll be thankful :P It usually works when you're BB is low and your income is at least 2 times bigger than lithuania's or polands, then theres a likely chance itll hapen:>

  20. #20
    Untrustworthy poo EvilSanta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judas Maccabeus
    That sounds like an excellent place to start.
    All I can do is to agree.
    Was würde Brian Boitano tun?

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