Schizofrenia In Motion, by Haile Selassie

[LordAumerle]

A second AAR from a confirmed newbie - I know! But this one is certain to be far, far shorter, at least in time period covered, than Call of the Pipes. Anyway, this one’s more for fun.

Normal/Normal, with no real aim in mind except to see how short a period of time I take to get utterly squashed.

Schizofrenia In Motion, by Haile Selassie


Hail, friend, and welcome! I am Haile Selassie, Emperor of Abyssinia. See our mighty empire? How the Italians tremble, with their pitiful 18 regular divisions. Our 6 militia divisions and one 1918 infantry division will see them off with ease. I, Haile Selassie, the Emperor and best general will command the two militia divisions and one infantry division in Addis Adaba. General Hapte Mikael, our next most able commander, will command the southern two militia divisions against Graziani’s four divisions. General Desta Damtew will command the northern two divisions.

Hi, I’m Voltaire, the Emperor‘s split personality. We’re screwed.


The cabinet! Desta Damtew (I bet he‘s saying “DAM TEW, HAILE!”) is replaced by the infantile Ras Kassa. I slide (!!!) towards the Hawk Lobby, hoping this may help us to create an airforce capable of falling upon the Italians and pecking their eyes out.

Oh, the puns. I hope we get conquered soon.


Ethiopia has some excellent tech teams.

Taezaz is surely a fake name. It’s one step from being “tasers”.


We are an advanced, industrial nation! I, meanwhile, as our greatest scientist, as well as strong Emperor and greatest general, begin to research basic machine tools. I especially enjoy playing with the clacky metal balls on my desk that Herouy got me for Christmas.

We have the ability to make one elderly Dutch fighter plane. I hate you, Haile Selassie.


Given the inevitable victory of my armies, I felt sending reinforcements to them would be utterly futile. However, after being told by Herouy that the Land Turtle of Doom, Ethiopia’s powerful amphibian friend, did not, in fact, exist, I decided to hedge my bets.

I think I just summed it up, but let me repeat: I hate you, Haile Selassie.


0700, January the 1st: The war is going well. Graziani’s penchant of heading away from the enemy is as strong as ever. He must have heard our armies were in the field.

THE field. The ONE field we had planted with winter wheat in the entire nation. Sigh.


0000, 2nd of January: It is becoming clear that our fearsome strategy of sitting put is working out. Perhaps our erstwhile Chief of Staff/Chief Latrine Digger/Lead Singer/Head Chef for the Army has warned the Italians of my ruthlessness regarding his perversions. The coward are fleeing! I boast of this great victory to the British Ambassador, before suggesting a rather generous trade agreement. He says no. He then says I must excuse him, as he had bags to pack. I wonder where he’s off on holiday.

I then visit the French Ambassador, who is a little intoxicated, so I save him the trouble and sign the trade agreement in my best counterfeit hand. Friendly drunks are so cute.

And yet I am stuck in your ever more befuddled brain, without plane tickets or brandy close to hand. I hate you, God.


As January 4th arrives, all is well for Abyssinia. All Italy’s armies are in flight, only three resources are in the red, and the British Ambassador gifted our Imperial Grace a fake moustache and wig, shortly before leaving for his holiday for “Old Blighty”. I wonder where that is - the Riviera, perhaps. Regardless, he said the disguise was for “if worst comes to worse”; he must know Bedjironde always holds his fancy dress ball in mid January, and I can never find a costume in time. Last year I went as Ethiopian Emperor “Saile Helassie”. I think that was the night Bedji lost his last hairs.

We are so screwed.

[oddman]

Interesting concept.

Don't normally go for the personality-driven AARs, but I think I'm going to like Voltaire.

[Baneslave]

Interesting start and very interesting nation. Keep going, please.

[Miihkali]

Hurrah, Ethiopia! Keep going!

[4th Dimension]

You know that concept of playing as Ethiopia ain't new right?
Anonymous did it before. And it turned out to be a GREAT AAR

[JMJ]

Poor Voltaire stuck in Selassie's head...

[Murmurandus]

While fun to read, I have no high hopes on the future of Ethiopia...

[rcduggan]

interesting.... you spelled schizophrenia wrong.

[likk9922]

Good start.

[LordAumerle]

Oddman, JMJ: Yeah, of all the places Voltaire might want to be, Abyssinia 1936 is not one - he glumly reminds me that "God is on the side of the big batallions".

4th Dimension: Curse that anonymous and his stunning creativity, doing everything before me =( But did he have a LAND TURTLE OF DOOM (tm)?

Murmurandus: Neither does Voltaire. Myself and the Emperor, however - do you see how the Italians are fleeing? My reckoning is that without serious AI idiocy (matching the Italian idiocy of the time), we won't survive beyond February, at the latest.

rcduggan: Pedant =p Anyway, alternate spelling~!

Baneslave, Miihkali, lik9922: Thanks guys, glad you enjoyed it =)

[omegasranger]

Heh, the witty banter is a nice touch; especially for a country like Ethiopia (which, in this game, almost needs "the hand of God" to succeed).

[VonTrapp]

Great jokes in there. Love it! I think you have a shot to survive into the spring, if you play your cards right.

[chefportnen]

I think I'm gonna like Voltaire. This is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde gone Ethiopian. Yay!

[4th Dimension]

Heroy is lying to you. You just need to find the crescent vale and the power of doom turtle will be yours.

Don't be fooled by it's look. Even tough it does look like a normal turtle and there is a child nearby cruying for his dear Tuku turtle which dissapeared, he's just an agent of Italians trying to make you not understand it's power.

There is only one small catch. To start the turtle you need to bring it to catacombs beneath Rome. Beneath Benito's mansion to be precise. And the entrance is nea the local garrison, sorounded by mines.

A small catch realy ;D

[The_Carbonater]

seconding stuff, this will be great

[Charle_88]

Looking good so far, though I feel obliged to add that schizophrenia doesn't actually cause split personalities. Schizophrenia is actually a condition when the poor victim can't differentiate between reality and his own imagination, usually hearing voices, acting very confused and hallucinating.

But don't let that discourage you.

[LordAumerle]

Charle_88: Oh I know the difference between MPD and schizofrenia, I am painfully aware of it after many years of studying psych as a minor.

But schizofrneia/phrenia is a beautiful word to fit the title =) and Voltaire is more a voice in a head than a separate personality anyway

chefportnen, vontrapp, TheCarbonater: Thanks for the support guys - I'm glad it involves some amusement!

4thDimension: Then I shall have to take my army to Rome, to rescue our shelled ally!

[4th Dimension]

Well technically it's easy to get the turtle. Just follow the setting sun for two blocks and turn right. You will see a kid with a turtle. That's THE turtle. But you need Rome to activate it's powers.

[LordAumerle]

Update soon =)

[LordAumerle]

A most worrying start to the 4th of January. I have, truth be told, just gotten over my hangover from New Year’s Eve. Desta has informed me the Italians in the north have turned round.

We’re so screwed.



However, some of the pale skins have stayed suitably terrified of my mighty Imperial forces - in some cases now at 60% strength! See, as the doomsayers tell me the Italians will be in Addis Abada for the Feast of St Thomas Stearns Eliot, I can say to them - Rudolfo Graziani flees from Haile Selassie!

Rudolfo Graziani flees from over-aggressive garden gnomes. I hate you, Haile Selassie.



As Napoleon demonstrated so ably - a fellow Emperor, a fellow misunderstood poetic genius - offence is the best form of defence.

You read that on the flashcards Herouy gave you for Christmas. Nice to know you CAN read, though.

Therefore, I have decided to strike at the enemy; not, that is, to literally engage the enemy in combat (what poor-spirited wretch truly desires such ignoble blood upon their swords?). No, rather we shall take their land and pillage it and leave entire villages bearing Ethiopian babies. Then who shall have won, wretched Italian Somaliland? THEN WHO SHALL HAVE WON? I call it Operation Death Before Dishonour.

Haile, I think, does not know much of the true nature of Somalian women. Our boys face both death and dishonour at the sharp edges of their slices of mango.



Desta woke me early today (the 5th) to tell me one entire formation of Italians had seen the error of their ways and decided to head for a beach holiday in Eritrea instead. Little do they know, soon we shall reclaim Eritrea and its world-famous featureless coastal plains!

Which resemble nothing more than the interior of our Dear Leader’s cranium.

To celebrate, I invited round the local South African, Piers von Boek. For a long time, I have suspected him to be a member of the Boers’ intelligence operation here; my guess was confirmed when he arrived wearing tinted spectacles. He’s mysterious. He poses as the owner of the local garage; alas, Bedji owns the only automobile in the country and that is dragged by unicorns.

We got to serious discussion, and agreed upon a trade arrangement. I would supply his “poor, starving family” (which I take as meaning South Africa”) with food; I, in return, will receive a few 8 volt batteries and some scrap metal, with which to build a generator for my sprinkler system.

To be fair, our lawn does look most beautiful, even at this arid time of year.



Soon after breakfast that day, news almost as big as the country itself.

Oh, I see. Because the news box is almost as big as the country is on the map. Clever. A visual pun.

I need money to continue collecting Meccano, so I spoke to another Frenchman, except he said he liked something called “hockey” and invited me over sometime for a bacon sandwich. He asked I supply the bacon, however, and rather more of it than the other French chap had requested.

I, too, refuse to acknowledge the existence of Canada.



As midnight came on the 6th of January, however, Herouy personally brought me the bad news - the Frenchman had absconded with our bacon, and left nary a tip to be found!

However, my rage was somewhat dissipated by good news from news from Military Intelligence, following a tip-off from a source of theirs:



Our steadfast shelled comrade, the Land Turtle of Doom! However, to activate his powers, we must reach Rome; therefore, brave Abyssinians, to Rome by St TS Eliot’s Day!

We’ve survived longer than I expected.