Portugal:The race to the land down under.

[Slasher]

Introduction

Okay, I have decided to write an AAR about Portugal, because why not, and because I was bored of CK AAR's based around Northern Britain and wanted to spend some time in a warmer climate.

I am playing version 1.21 on Normal difficulty.

The point of this AAR is to play as Portugal and race westwards towards Australia and New Zealand, my course to cut through the Americas and travel westward over land until I am able to establish a colony on the west coast to act as a launching pad into the Pacific. From there it'll be a mad dash to get as close to the objective as possible. Hopefully I don't burn out like in my previous CK ones, and don't get bogged down fighting pointless fights.

I will try to infuse my stories with as much jokes stolen from comedy tv shows and various insults against long extinct countries as well, of course, against the evil Portuguese shadow empire of Nandos chicken and the juice of evil, Peri Peri chilli sauce.

Anyway, I will post the first chapter whenever I get the time, I am pretty busy so I will see what I can cook up in my off time. Oh yeah, in the Americas where I land is where I launch off from, so if I land in Northern Canada that is where I make my trip westwards, not just landing in Panama and going across.

Anyway, watch this space.

[Duke of Wellington]

This ought to be interesting. Good luck.

[Cyrus_The_Great]

interesting concept. Ill be watching.

[Slasher]

Book 1: The House of Aviz

Chapter 1: A holy messenger.

As the birds chirp and the sun rises early in the morning Afonso V of Portugal the year is 1448 and finally the young king is of age to rule his country, first order of business, revert all old laws etc. to what they were like before his regency. But, that can wait, Afonso thought maybe he should just make that around fifth order of business and hand it onto one of his various subjects, a king is not for action, more for delegating action, and setting new fashion trends, life of a king was hard work indeed.

Now, first order of business after the re-arranging of the other first order of business, meetings with people willing for Kingly support. First man, an inventor who was known for his wacky fashion sense.

As the man walked in he tipped his trucker cap and made sure to brush off his strange attire which appeared to be some kind of cloth material with no sleeves which seemed like housing an image of an iron horse on the front.
"Speak peasant", ordered the king flippantly.
"Alright, Alright, get this, you have horses at the moment right, yeah?"
"Get to the point, I am a King, I have various messenger pigeons to send."
"Okay, see my shirt, this is an automobile, it goes many times faster than a horse and if properly modified can be more effective in warfare and travel than 100 horses."
"Automobile?! What is this blasphemy! What is this godless thing made of and what is it fed?"
"It is made out of metals and fed oil, which quantities can be found beneath this very earth."
"Made out of metals? Perhaps, metals of a thousand dead Portugeuse soldiers and feeds of the underground pools of devil juice! BURN HIM!"

As the strange attired man was dragged out he screamed in terror while playing with some kind of jewellery on his arm that beeped. As the doors closed on the throne room Alfonso could still hear the man yelling about some kind of time travel device not working. Alfonso ordered the man to be given to the priests to burn as a heretic. It'll give the peasants something to think about.

As Alfonso looked at the next name on the list he fell to his knees in shock, the name was 'Jesus H Christ'. As the man walked in he was everything Alfonso believed him to be, a tall man wearing the latest fashions and accompanied by beautiful ladies.

In reality this was not the man Alfonso thought he was but a sailor called 'Jesus (Hey-Zues) Hernandez Christos' who had come upon fortune and the idiot scribes who wrote the daily messenger list got the name wrong. The sailor thought it was wierd a king would seem so happy to see a simple sailor, but life had been good to him.

The king stammered out his admiration quickly and loudly.
"I LOVE YOU JESUS!"
"Uh, it's pronounced 'Hey-Zues' actually, but thankyou, that is a very kind thing to say."
"Oh please great man, tell us your great message."
"Well, its an alright message, nothing to write home about, just a bit of a tip to make a bit of money."
"I KNEW God was joking about the whole living while giving, he just wanted us all to be really rich!"
"Okay, whatever, anyway, my ship got shipwrecked going around the sea around the Azores and when going into uncharted waters come across a stange land full of riches, I am not sure where, but it took us heaps long to get there. To be honest we just got really drunk one day and I think someone spiked our drinks because when we woke up we weree in a part of the world which spoke of a land of creatures called 'Orks' and a savage team of Sportsmen called 'All Blacks' and another land full of cooking implements used to cook meat to perfection while drinking various mind altering substances."
"But Jesus, to get to this strange land we will have to eat through the marshmallows which cover the uncharted waters!"
"Marshmallows? Are you serious?" As the sailor said this the sincerity in the Kings face was obvious...the king was simply an idiot.
"This adventure sounds kind of fun, LETS DO IT! Prepare the ships with massive teeth on the front! You see Jesus, since I gained power over Portugal a few hours ago I learnt many things. Primarily for a naval country such as ourselves I learnt the only way to cut through the marshmallows covering the uncharted waters is by putting big teeth on the front of the ship, and making the crew sleep on the decks so that the marshmallows eaten can be stored in the hollow centre of the ship. Sure, it takes a while to make these new ships but, as you said, we have an adventure to take, and I am pretty sure if Jesus was sent to me to tell me to go somewhere I should probably do it."
The sailor was speechless, this king had a mind of a 6 year old.
"So anyway Jesus....wanna hang out?"

The sailor left and the plans were put into action, 1456 was the year the ships were developed and set sail.

The ships sailed on, the merry men of the Portuguese Marshmallow eaters, it was cold in storms though ont he decks.

The men got excited when they found an island but when coming ashore and seeing from the natives there were no lookers amongst them, besides some of the hairier more, non-human native, the sailors went on thier way.

Later in 1459 the sailors saw a substantial landmass, so they decided to race, winner getting to keep all the marshmallows stored in the ship after thier long journey.

Unfortunately however the captains decided to up the ante by getting drunk and driving blindfolded....needless to say the ships all smashed into eachother and only the bigger warships managed to limp back.....Portugeuse sailors are stupid.

Anyway, two years later the King sent the smartest men in all of Portugal to the land sighted long ago, just because they wouldn't race the ships and wreck them, even though if they encounter hostile natives thier little nerd glasses will well and truely be broken. Not that there is anything wrong with smart people wearing nerdy glasses.

On further exploration it was discovered the bloody English had won the race to this new land, but in good news the markets of Portugal was king of trade over this part of the world, the reason= The shadow empire of Nandos Chicken, thier highly addictive Peri Peri sauce had grown amongst the natives until often they would be seen snorting and smoking this new sauce. Natives are wierd....

But yeah, this love of the evil substance caused the natives of Santee to submit to Portugeuse rule, and eventually, despite all they fought, they were drowned in the deadly sauce.

As the natives died, the Grand Chicken won, as he sat in his seat amongst the clouds, (he can fly) pondering the next move for his evil empire of food. Twiddling his thumbs thinking of future franchised stores he can open up. He is the original, and everliving Capitalist. The world was doomed amongst the warriors of the Grand Chicken, even if Portugal didn't know themselves!
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Okay, I got work in ten minutes so I had to wrap it up really fast, hopefully it is alright.

PS. Nandos is a chicken company which puts its chicken in a sauce called Peri Peri sauce, one of my friends is seriously addicted to the stuff and Peri Peri sauce is my fathers hot sauce of choice. I am sincerely worried about the evil Nandos empire!

[Duke of Wellington]

Great chapter. Plenty of laughs there but also worrying signs. The king is incompetent yet Nandos is efficient and ruthless. Perhaps they will seize the throne in the future?

[Slasher]

Great chapter. Plenty of laughs there but also worrying signs. The king is incompetent yet Nandos is efficient and ruthless. Perhaps they will seize the throne in the future?

The king isn't really incompetant, I mean, he managed to set up a trip across to the Americas, I would classify him more as a freaking idiot.

As for Nandos, the Grand Chicken has big plans.

[Slasher]

Book 1: The House of Aviz

Chapter 2: THE FIGHTING AVIZ!

Portugal, a land of contrast, known for its delicious chicken yet also, from what I have heard, you can get massive jugs of beer for real cheap. If anything wine is probably better to have with delicious chicken, as beer is more of a social drink. Or maybe better with red meat, I am trying to get sent to a wine course at the moment so I will get back to you later on what is better when eating delicious chicken.

I don't really know how this is contrasting but it acts as a nice segway into chapter 2, THE FIGHTING AVIZ!

You have to yell it when you read it by the way, or if there is a whole bunch of people around you yell it in your head, adds effect, I just saw Stephen Colbert reference the districts in his knwo a district segment as the 'Fighting...' so on so forth. Now, the origins of the saying is shrouded in mystery, but personally I think Stephen Colbert actually made it up for his show, as he is a pretty funny dude, and all those World War 2 movies that were made in the 50's with the 'fighting (battalion name)' was just a rip off Stephen Colbert. Now, I have done extensive research on time travel and I am pretty sure the producers ran really fast and fractured the time space continuum bringing them to our time where they stole it and then ran backwards to re-rupture the space time continuum. (as they are going backwards in time the space and time are flipped from when they are going forward)

Anyway, back to the story. Back in the day, in my fantasy AAR world that is, there was a time when the Portuguese were manly men and loved nothing more than beating up punks who disrespected thier women or just beating people up for a laugh. If a Portuguese person was on the end of a good beating up they would not get sad, when the fight was over both men would come together and have a beer, bloody and broken they would tell stories of various beatings they have given and taken and then they would retire and swap wives for the night. The Portuguese truely were the manliest of men. Now, this is where the crossroads for Portugal presented itself. We have the manliest of nations who were feared for thier giant balls or have the nation Portugal has become today, would rather have thier most famous person be a total wussy. (Christiano Ronaldo)

As the King of Portugal was with his buds playing stickball (the Kings stick was twice as long as all the others) Old man Jenkins, the Kings diplomat walked in.

"Heyyyyy, Old Man Jenkins, what up dawg!"
"...Yes, quite....we have a envoy from both France and England here to meet you."
"Dude....stickball....tell them to come back tommorrow."
"But my lord, it seems they come with news which could make or break Portugal."
"Well if I miss this next shot this could make or break 50 bucks for me, and I wanna go get myself a steak dinner tonight!"
"My lord, I implore you, for the sake of the nation."
"Bloody hell, this is the last time Jenkins, send them in then."

The king stormed off to the side of the stickball court in a rage over how his forfeit has just cost him a steak dinner. Life at court was boring and the king had not eaten for weeks in anticipation of his steak dinner, it was at one of those places where the steak is huge and if you finish it you get it for free. The king was a man of many dreams, and once again this greatest of dreams had alluded him.

As both diplomats walked in the French diplomat walked to the fore of the two to address the king.

"Wee, Wee, Bongour King, Sivu plet, Yoplait miam."(The extent of my foreign knowledge)
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU! SPEAK PORTUGEUSE!" Yelled the King inches away from the Frenchies face, while displaying a wide grin on his face, looking around the room to see if everyone was laughing. His advisors formed a line and walked past hi 5in the king. (of which origins I will get to later in this chapter) Oh how the king loved hi 5in, he once described it as like a connection with the gods whenever he connected with a good hi 5. In fact most of his life was dedicated to finding the formula to the perfect hi 5.

Anyway, the Frenchie was shocked by the Kings rudeness, and the French hate people being rude to them, as they invented the technique of rudeness, all because they looked kinda important on a map, and invented gross food but because it is so gross people charge much coinage to eat it. So, with a hastily assembled Portuguese sentence, spoken with the pomp of a total a-hole, the Frenchie spoke up.

"We of the nation of Frenchland hear of a change of drinking habits amongst your people."
"We'll drink what we want Frenchie, wanna fight about it?"
"I come from a message from our king....Abandon your practice of drinking massive beers for really cheap and adopt our practice of buying totally over-rated wine for much moneys, or else."
"Or else what, your gonna be made and write an angry letter to the editors of Portugal Enquirer?"
"Yes...and you will be terribly embarrased!"
"Oh noes! What will our parents think!"
With a wave of his hand the king dispatched his guards, with a swift swipe of the sword the Frenchie was dead, his head severed. As the King liked it the blood splattered over his face.

"....Oh gross, the blood smells like crap."

The King was in a jovial mood, he loved killing Frenchies and other kinds of wussies, it was the Portuguese way. Yet his mood soon turned into radical guitar solo happy, the greatest kind of happy. In walked to English diplomat with a big fat slab of steak.

"Greeting oh great king, we come from the greatest steak in all of England to strenghten our bond."
"I think I love you oh great English guy."
"I am glad you enjoy our gift, now, onto business."
"I will give you anything you want, just give me the steak."
"War with France and Norway?"
"France, of course, Norway...why?"
"Ummm, I heard they called the Portuguese overrating and brawling. Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!"
"Wow, that last bit added the final effect to sway me....LITS GIT IM!"
With that the English guy and the King hi 5ed.

Now, the origins of the hi 5. Now we all know the Italians are hell wussy, but they sometimes get riled up and have girl like fights. Anyway, one day two nobles challenged each other to a duel, thier weapons=slapping. So anyway, the wussies went in for the first slap and thier slaps were so in sync that they blocked each others shot with thier hands, they thought nothing of it and continued thier girly little fight, but a great Portuguese Prince was in the crowd and was astounded. The Prince soon dissappeared from public life, perfecting his art but only the Portuguese royal family knows the true story. One day the Prince returned from Italy and retreated to the country side, he was seen by various peasants training throughout the place (think Rocky) until one day a single farmer saw the Prince training with a wooden log (think Karate Kid) he was training to perfect the hi 5, the farmer thought nothing of it and as he walked back to tend to his flock he saw in his side view and massive blue flash, as he looked back he saw nothing. The log was there, the Prince no longer was, he had vanished.

Once the royal family heard of this they killed the farmer and all who heard of this event and since that day all who know of the hi 5 have been sworn to secrecy, the punishment being death. The royal family has, as part of thier secret creed, the quest to reach the plain of 5 englightenments, and thier secret coat of arms, the turkey made out of a hand, because the Portuguese royal family quite enjoyed turkeys....

Anyway, let the war begin!

The Portuguese didn't care too much for fighting inside other European nations, they sucked pretty much, Brittany was wussy though so soon after declaration of war they came they wanted peace, Portugal took it, because Brittanys possession was kind of boring, Norway was kind of boring too, but France had some pretty cool stuff for the Portuguese, so they would be kicking some serious Frenchie ass...if they felt like it that is.

The Frenchies cunningly took over one of the Portuguese Islands, the King didn't really care but he got bored of fighting the French, he had the grand plan to contend with.

1470, A new colony, a closer step towards the grand goal.

In 1471 war started between Portugal and England, versus Burgundy, Portugal couldn't be bothered fighting so they sat back and let the English fight it out. The English were a tough lot, they could handle thier battles themselves, and if Portugal was attacked on thier homelands, dead time!

Okay, now to the fun stuff, 1475, Scotland foolishly attacked England, pulling France into a war as well, the war that Portugal was waiting for, against France who was well intrenched in the Americas yet without the huge Colonial army that the Portuguese had at thier disposal, through the French colonies the Portuguese rushed, burning and pillaging as they please.

In September 1476 the Portuguese army had soon reached the end of the road, yet the King was saavy, he remembered the olden days of the great marshmallow fleet, and he cunningly drew up a complicated plan for victory.

The supreme plan paid off and a sneaky block of French colonies was discovered, of course the Portuguese with thier mighty bands of Hot Sauce warriors(formed from the crazed natives who had been overcome by 'Hot Sauce madness') overcome the perfumed French, with the dead French smothered with sauce and eaten by the crazy natives....apparently Human flesh tastes like chicken.

The french ran to the Portuguese crying and asking for peace, but the warriors in the Americas were having too much fun, so why not continue kicking ass.

After the destruction of the French colonies the Frenchies did what they do best...be cowards.

Off they came with a measly army, moving like lightning taking colonies left and right, not even fighting the Portuguese army. Yet they couldn't run forever, and in the final battle between the two nations in America the French army was destroyed, woman and children murdered.

They French started colonies up to try and gain a beachead for another attack, yet Portugal soon snapped these up and was planning an attack on the French mainland.

Yet tragedy struck, 25th of January 1480 the greatest soldier in Portuguese history passed away, to end the war the sneaky Frenchies dispatches assassins to kill the man who discovered and conquered the Eastern edge of North America. He was the last of the swashbuckling generals of Portugal, there was bound to be conquerors, great generals, but none with the total disregard for all things stable and love for all things dangerous. Rambo would be moddelled on the legend of this great man, especially the exploding bow and arrows. That was so cool when Rambo shot down that helicopter with it. Take that Commies!

Peace was declared to give the Portuguese people to mourn thier loss, besides, bullying France was too easy.

As for the evil empire you ask? They are biding thier time, awaiting the perfect moment to expand thier shadow Nandos empire, trouble awaited...double trouble (not really, just wanted to say that.)
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That is the longest thing I have ever written, took me ages...probably coz I got distracted too much.

I hope you liked my tangents, I will need feedback on that aspect, or is it more important to keep to the story?

Respect to all the ANZACS btw.

[Duke of Wellington]

That was most entertaining. It may have taken a long time to write but I think it paid off. Great to see high 5's getting their rightful place in history. And here here to the Portuguese drinking beer. They seem to know a thing or two unlike every other wussy nation (and there's plenty of them it sounds) in Europe.

[Graymane]

I really hate sounding critical, but the centered formatting is not easy for me to read for some reason. I start reading, but then I just have to look away.

There are a lot of great gems in there though, I liked this one =)

...who were feared for thier giant balls or have the nation Portugal has become today, would rather have thier most famous person be a total wussy. (Christiano Ronaldo)

[Slasher]

I really hate sounding critical, but the centered formatting is not easy for me to read for some reason. I start reading, but then I just have to look away.

There are a lot of great gems in there though, I liked this one =)

Critisism is what I want, because if something sucks I will change it, I changed the formatting, I used to just center the pictures as is now the case and kept the text uncentered, but I got lazy I suppose, glad you enjoyed it

[Graymane]

"But Jesus, to get to this strange land we will have to eat through the marshmallows which cover the uncharted waters!"
"Marshmallows? Are you serious?" As the sailor said this the sincerity in the Kings face was obvious...the king was simply an idiot.

my god, where do you come up with this stuff?

[Slasher]

my god, where do you come up with this stuff?

Easy, I figured the clouds of unexplored lands look kinda like marshmallows and that people of the time were pretty damn ignorant...hence marshmallows marking uncharted waters

PS. Day off both of my jobs tommorrow, so expect an update of some variety.

[Slasher]

Chapter 3: Gays and other social issues....oh, and a whole lotta lovin/killing.

Various envoys would often visit the King of Portugal with little to no prior warning, coz the King was a gangsta and everyone wanted a piece.

Anyway, one day a random envoy came in, I think he was from Tembekistan or some stupid country which had already been dissolved when the king went to sleep that night. (granted the king loves his energy drinks and has a fascination with Arctic hours, so his days usually lasted around 6 months...he was a crazy mofo) So this envoy came over to chill with the king and as he opened the door to the room the king kept all his stuff he came upon an unusual sight indeed. The king was on his throne clapping while watching a man dance around in a pink tutu.

This shocked the envoys Evangelical sensibilities and the man stormed out.

Soon a shocked diplomat, basically the kings secretary walked in after gettign a whole bunch of crap from the angry Tembeki.
"...what the hell?"
"Oh, hey dude, yeah, just watching old Jakey boy showing me some of his moves he learnt during his time in France. You can go now Jake."
The king didn't begin talking again until the man had left the room.
"Hehe, that guy is hillarious, now, what's up?"
"Why do you insist you have this Jake guy around you all the time? He is almost sickly homosexual!"
"And you have a problem with that?"
"Of course not, but you see, people have begun to talk....alot of the nations at the moment are highly religious and don't believe in such..... peculiarities... and also, we are in the manliest nation of all, how do you think this reflects on your subjects, who view you as a god yet you trounce around with this.... this....RAGAMUFFIN!"
"You, my dear sir, are an idiot...can you not see my plan?"
"Plan to disenfranchise the christian world?"
"Look, I am the smartest and best looking in all of Portugual, hence why I won this job in the traditional way, a beauty contest....I need a trusted employee, so I decided to make this gay dude love me, you see, when he loves me he will work harder for me for no pay...all I need to do is have sex with him now and again....it is the perfect plan!"
"....that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard....why don't you just hire someone who is good at thier job instead of someone who is in love with you? At least choose a woman so you wouldn't be going against Papal edict."
"Hiring a qualified person? Look, I'm the king, I think I know how a Kingdom works, it is all about feeling, not about skills...I mean, look at the Roman empire, they were destroyed by a bunch of barbarians who relied most on thier feelings and less on thier technical skills....are you a loser Roman or a winning barbarian? As for the woman crack....you must be a fool, everone knows women are only good for a few things because of thier miniscule brain...so sure they could fall in love with me....as I am in fact so charming it hurts me down there....after a long night with my many admirers... but dammit, they would be too busy seeking 'maternity leave' and having periods that they wouldn't do thier job properly....not to mention they will be giving me like....ten boners all the time when they wear thier skimpy uniforms...oh yes, and also they totally screwed up paradise by listening to the snake and eating that apple that one time.....and I will NEVER forgive them for that...and THAT, my dear sir....is why I prefer gay dudes in my top jobs...oh, and they also help me keep up with the latest fashions...I mean...look at my hair! It sticks up so high it is like Jesus himself is holding it up with his various Jesus powers!"
"Oh yeah, well your logic is astounding.....I quit....my family has long served yours....but...your a freaking idiot."
And off the secretary guy stormed.....of course the kings guards stopped him and burned him at the stake....gotta kill someone, may as well be a close friend right?

After killing a close friend and watching a grown man dance around in a tutu the king loved nothing more than to start wars....so he started one.

War against the Shawnee in the Americas meant two things...no, three things... firstly Portugal was at war, secondly they were fighting the Alliance of Shawnee, Creek and Cherokee, and thirdly they had to make up a cunning plan.

And there was only one man for such a job. Thinking made lines go into the kings face, ruining his complexion, so he did not like to do thinking himself, there was only one option.
"Guards! Bring in....the planninator!"

20 or so minutes later a rodent of a man wandered in, looking around at the walls in an absent minded stupor, he was a man throughout the land known for his idiocy...and stench....but the king saw a kindred spirit in this horrible man, so why not take important decisions from a man who is of this esteemed calibre.

"Ah, if it isn't my trusted adviser Baldrick, how are you?"
"Good m'lord, the recent rains have been good for the turnip farm you granted me after my last cunning plan."
"Ah yes, the bacon and egg coup of '69, that Humpty Dumpty and Three little pigs didn't know what hit them.....I ate well that day, anyway, I need to find a plan to beat they damn Natives in America, what have you got for me?"
"What do I have m'lord...well, I have a cunning plan!"
"Oh please embrace me with your wisdom oh great Baldrick, bringer of cunningness."
"I have heard on the streets from Ballsout Barry that the Natives hate the colour orange, now what we do is hide behind tigers and slowly sneak up on the natives and force them to eat carrots, and this will naturally kill them."
"Pure lunacy! No wait, that isn't the word I was looking for, Pure GENIUS!"
"Glad to serve m'lord."
"Guards, make to it that the great Baldrich is given a duchy of his own to turn into a turnip farm, and prepare the tigers and carrots!"

With that preparations were made for war, and the kick ass festival of the Americas begun.

Firstly, the war against the Shawnee, they were total dicks to the Portuguese, it seems they heard of the cunning plan and armed themselves with some kind of forcefield to stop the tigers and carrots from killing them, peace was made fast, they were a little rough for the king, so he let them keep a little land for themselves....frankly the Shawnee were, in the kings words 'a bunch of big meanees'.

The war with the Creek was a war of holding, against the Cherokee and Creek the Portuguese were able to hold thier own but not go on the offensive, the advantages of the cunning plan were nullified by the lack of men to do so. Peace was made with the Creek so as to go one on one with the Cherokee and thier legendary 'Jeeps'.

The war, one on one, against the Cherokee was always a sure thing, around the time of peace with Creek a mysterious man in a robe embroidered with a chicken floated, yes floated, into the kings throne room with an offer that the king could not refuse. A juicy piece of chicken smothered in a sauce that could only be described as 'boner enducing'.
"Holy crap, this shiz is deeeeeelishus!"
"Bok Bok Bok, *cough* I mean, yes, it is a special recipe, I call it...Kingly delight!"
"I think I just made a man mess in the front of my pants."
"Indeed...now, to business, we have a special weapon for the use against these savages in the America, follow me outside if you will."
As they went outside the king was jumping around like a child, he loved gifts.

As he walked out and saw his gift, he made a mess in his pants again....both sides this time....which was kinda wierd. But needless to say it helped his army kick some serious ass.

As the king marvelled over his gift the mysterious stranger walked off. Taking off his robe as he walked off the stranger was revealed, only to god....as the Grand Chicken! Finally he had gained a foothold with the monarchy with the help of his great military might and chicken laced with acid.....good, goooood.

Observe below the progress in the quagmire that used to be the Americas.

I know readers...that is some serious kick ass action!

Needless to say, the Jeeps did not stand up to the Portuguese secret weapons, and they were annexed quick smart!

Yeah, anyway, here is the map after the big ass war....as it was later known....the crossed represent the land given up by the Portuguese, no loss....the sewerage system was made by students from Porto University so the colonies literally stunk....they didn't have the funding to fix those two colonies.

And, I am sure you want to know what the secret weapon is...well....observe the weapon and what it did to a Cherokee village.....the icon in the larger explosion in the size of the weapon.....

Yes people it is the SPIDER MONKEY ROBOT!!!

I bet you didn't expect that.....unless you scrolled to the bottom to see what the secret was...in that case....cheaters...

[Duke of Wellington]

Quite a handy weapon to have there. Great chapter plenty of laughs i particularly liked this part:

And there was only one man for such a job. Thinking made lines go into the kings face, ruining his complexion, so he did not like to do thinking himself, there was only one option.
"Guards! Bring in....the planninator!"

20 or so minutes later a rodent of a man wandered in, looking around at the walls in an absent minded stupor, he was a man throughout the land known for his idiocy...and stench....but the king saw a kindred spirit in this horrible man, so why not take important decisions from a man who is of this esteemed calibre.

[Slasher]

Chapter 4: The Wonder Years

After the war against the native tribes the Portuguese settled down into a period of time called 'The Wonder Years'. Children such as the ones above had a relatively free from harm upbringing and forever viewed the time as peace as the best times in thier lives. Until they were conscripted into the army and thrown into the cauldron and 'Winnie' was sold into the lucrative sex trade after being captured by the natives. The Wonder Years were forever wonderful compared to the horror of normalcy.

Anyway, seeing as Portugual was killing a bunch of heathens while stile managing to think about Jesus on a regular basis they won the office of Papal Controller...an office they would keep until the very end. No Protestantism for the Portuguese.

During the Wonder Years there was only one real sign of trouble, that of a revolting province called Cheraw. It was so blatantly and totally disgusting it was deemed absolutely 'revolting'.

Also some natives got high on Peri Peri sauce and looted the nearest supermarket...they were promptly shot and killed by the children in the first photo...the Wonder Years in Portuguese society also meant ability to kill all those who look at you funny...

The Wonder years were also a time of great discovery. Through careful exploration the great and powerful Aztec Empire was discovered.

This was extremely rich in resources, especially gold, as modelled by thier leader at the time, only known as 'The T'.

But the greatest discovery in the Wonder Years, it was not peace, it was not a borderline retarded black man covered in gold. It was a discovery found by the humblest of Portuguese, yes...thats right, the King himself discovered that which would change religion for all of time. At least that's what he told his courtiers soon after the discovery. Curiously a whole village of peasants was found floating down the local river a few days after the discovery...but, oh well, cult suicide.

Anyway, I am sure you are all like 'Oi douchebag! Get to the point and tell us what this bloody discovery is, stop wasting my time!'
Which I reply 'HEY! If you don't appreciate a good yarn you can go and get stuffed! I am TRYING to add context here so you gain greater appreciation for the following story!'

Stop being so impatient inner voice who I convince myself is the reader.

The discovery was that of three scrolls, each of great importance to faith as a whole. One told of a galactic emperor who banished a bunch of his enemies to volcanoes and for some reason the enemies burst out of the volcanoes and apparently are trapped inside the human body.....this work was put straight into the 'toilet paper' pile.

The second scroll told a story of how Jesus took a whole bunch of Jews to form the current natives of America...and how people must wear magic underwear for some reason.....the King used this one for diapers....as he had not yet learnt to use the potty. One day he will go from diapers to those pull ups and then big boy pants!

The third scroll was the one which caught the imagination of the King, and would shape faith for the rest of ETERNITY!

It told of a time long long ago, in a place far far away, we will just say...Lichenstein. Anyway, Jesus and his Apostles were going around, as they often did...doing a touch of skateboarding here and there when the evilest of evils came along. Two guys dressed in suits!

The suits walked up and all thier evilness went to Jesus and thier Apostles, "Hey street hobos, how bout you get a job and stop skating the boards!"
Now this hurt, Jesus had recently applied for a job at the local Music store, but the shitty Indie elite at the front counter looked at him and said there was no room for him and his 'electric guitar solo' brand of music. Jesus was crushed, as he and his Apostles were the raddest guitar players around yet in this time of high commerciality, money and sexy ladies were on top of the list and innovativeness was not.

After this encounter Jesus and Apostles vowed to battle the two below guys....to the end....OF THE DAY! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

The battle was scheduled for the place later known as 'Le Grande Canyone'.(or something stupid like that) The suits brought the most heanous army they could find, they paid of the 21st century American Navy Classical Band, in this time the music was cutting edge, so this rag tag group of young hotshots not only knew how to fire all kinds of guns, they could also play some rad tunes while serenading the ladies as well. And lets just say since arriving in this time the band had started referring to it as 'Bone City!'. And not just because of the large elephant graveyard outside of the canyon.

As the battle between the bands commenced the classical band seemed to be gaining the upper hand, the recent failure in the local battle of the bands had really hurt the confidence of the Jesus Christ 11, now, 11 you ask? Yes, you see, the suits had paid off Judas, the most skilled of the guitars 'shredders' to not show up, and seeing as Judas was a total stoner he got well high. But as they say in the streets of Jesustown, (a town I am creating far in the future) "Never trust a suit, exploit him and screw him over soon after." And that was the Judas motto, it actually said that in the text. Anyway, as the Apostles and Jesus were falling back Judas appeared over the ridge as the sun was setting, ripping out the knarliest shred since God created the world using the magical powers of 'Stairway'.

This moment of total awesomeness cause the momentum to swing and soon Jesus was coming in for the killing blow, riding in his Rolls Royce down onto the battlefield while shooting his Uzi's at the suits and the band....Jesus was a gangsta!

The day was won! For Jesus and the Apostles and for the world, never more would douche bags rule the day and only the power of electric guitar could ignite the flames of human ambition and greatness.

After hearing of the triumph former US president Jimmy Carter and some lady decided to hi 5, as that was the style in the day. As you can see Jimmy Carter looks quite old in the picture....this is explained too...he is a ghost and gets older and younger in cycles.....

The King, using his Kingly power as Papal controller got this particular scroll put as the main belief of Christianity. As it suited the manly aims of Portugal. Yet after hearing this some total fag called Martin Luther, (what type of gay name is Martin anyway<---view not supported by writer) decided he could not swallow being all manly and wanted to go back to the days when the Catholic church was corrupt and used to powder thier noses with various perfumes such as deodorant.....but anyway, this guy was a douche, Portugal will surely kick Protestant ass right?
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Just a side note, the story about Jesus was an adaptation of a story a friend wrote as he was completing his Commercial Law and Finance degree and University. I can recall slight amounts of the stories but it is mostly re-done so as to be...well, an actual story and not a bunch of random guitar playing and driving around in Rolls Royces as was contained in the original.

[Duke of Wellington]

A most interesting tale of Jesus there. I wasn't aware of his gangsta side before.

[Slasher]

Chapter 5: Cruising the plains of the Americas.

Above: A filled in picture from a Portuguese colouring book, done by a king of Portugal, hence the divine quality of keeping it in the lines.

Peace never lasts long in the land of Portugul, especially in the colonies. The Wonder Years were over as normalcy soon returned to our brave heroes. 13th of November 1490 the King of Portugal was preying to thier new version of Jesus, praying for help for his nation to free the American lands to allow freedom for all people to be totally sweet and manly, and eventually the discovering of the totally manly fabled Southern Lands. As he prayed for the death of all those savages who didn't even have the decency to speak Portuguese the doors of his church flew open. A man dressed with English garb stumbled in, splattered with a red substance, perhaps some kind of blood coloured substance, and fell to the floor. As the king finished his churchly duties....he didn't want to keep Jesus waiting, the man on the floor groined now and again. Once the King finished, it was King time!
"Can someone PLEASE, find out what his problem is and then drag him out of my damn church, REALLY getting on my nerves alright."
As the king courtiers hussled into action the king started of the Eucharist, consisting of Mountain Dew and Super Supreme Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Crust pizza, coz that stuff is delicious, and the king thought it would be radical if he could eat this each week without his wife going on about him needing to be healthy and eat greens etc. It truely is great to make up many points of a religion which is not supported by the religious texts whatsoever. So the king went around telling people that Jesus used to be a pizza man before he became such a bad ass gangsta. How else could he afford his sweet Rolls Royce, back in the day pizza men were paid more then kings. The motto of the day was largely "Bless the pizza man, he brings us delicious food and braves the deadly heat of a volcano to make it for us." According to the kings account Jesus made the pizza in volcanoes....yeah I know, I have no idea why this account actually worked.

Anyway, it turns out that the messenger carried news that the Shawnee had viciously attacked the English colonies, and it turned out he was covered in jelly donut jelly, not blood...he stopped by the donut store on the way and ate so much he got integestion. The English have crappy food, besides Yorkshire pudding, roasts and basically anything I can smother in gravy. Anyway, time to kick some native ass.

The meeting of the kings advisors commenced, as it does before every war...because the king won't see his buddies for a while thereafter as he will be too busy ordering them to do stuff and they will be spread throughout the theatre of war. But the king smelt a rat.
"Damn, what's that smell! Anyway, here's my plan, bordering with the Shawnee lands we have the lands formerly of the Cherokee, screw those lands...they suck. We attack the heartland of the Shawnee, leave our lands to suffer in thier jocks and take all we can before the Shawnee realise that they have been duped, we must cut through thier lands like some kind of....um, what's that weapon they use?"
"A tomahawk sir?"
"He's a spy, GET HIM!"
As the advisor who spoke up was taken out the back to be submerged in a vat of peri peri sauce and sold to the children the king grinned at his own brilliance.
"How dare you 'Dogsonfire', and after all your claims to be of patriotic Portuguese stock. Actually, now I think of it....chuck some flaming dogs into the vat guards, we will make a 'special edition' dish for the children."

The battles went much the way the king wanted it, the Shawnee were given free reign, beaten back now and again while the Portuguese took control of all that they could and searched for peace. All the stupid Shawnee did was feel like they were winning back land but instead if they turned around they would have seen all thier lands which had been thiers for generations in flames....peace of cake.

Exciting stuff, but not particurarly representative of the war, Portugal lost alot of useless provinces but seized all the Shawnee had to offer, until they only had one province left. That is when peace was declared, the English can take the rest...they are pretty cool so why not.

And there is the new gains of the Portuguese, notice the deep penetration by the Shawnee armies, but only really into the worthless Cherokee land. Also notice the reinforcements just landed, the best trained of all the Portuguese troops, the Home troops from Portugal itself acting to take care of all those Shawnee armies if they acted up and didn't surrender peacefully.

The English didn't do too well....useless.....but, I suppose that they don't do too well when you don't have the supreme military power of the Portuguese behind you. They eventually accepted a white peace so everything went back to how it was when Portugal left the war, except that now the Cherokee and England have a whole bunch of less people walking around. Death is a bitch.

After the war with Shawnee there was about another 8 years of peace. But of unstable peace. The king had gained high cholestorol from all the pizza and Mountain Dew and had in the arena of 6 heart attacks within a few months. Luckily in the past he had saved up a few 'lives' and was able to respawn. But in the year of 1500, a new century, a new problem arose which was set to tear Portugal asunder. England and Castille commenced a war to fight over the heirless Portuguese kingdom after the death of the king. The 'Phantom' factor with the seemingly ageless kings, in fact being sons of the king seemlessly taking the place of the king, was over. Portugal of course joined the English in thier war, but this soon proved to perhaps be a bad idea. Despite the long friendship of the two nations was on the side of Castille could have proved rewarding. Not only would they no longer have huge armies on thier border ready to invade but they could have siezed the English lands in the Americas. Oh well, you live, you learn....the nobles wanted some Castillian heads on a plate...not the mention that Castille was in an alliance with France...and if there is something the Portuguese love, its kicking some French ass.

The war of Portuguese Succession, the end of a great country....or the beginning of a great empire....only time will tell.

[Duke of Wellington]

A white peace with Shawnee? What happened there? A respawning king too? Now that is interesting. I'm yet to go through a succession war on any side of it. I look forward to seeing how you handle it.

[Slasher]

A white peace with Shawnee? What happened there? A respawning king too? Now that is interesting. I'm yet to go through a succession war on any side of it. I look forward to seeing how you handle it.

I am a sucker for bad boy points...only attack when my badboy is down to zero....a personal house rule I suppose. The capturing of the Shawnee colonies bumped it up more then I wanted, so an annexation was off the cards.

The respawning king is to combat my laziness in not paying close enough attention to who was the king at the time.

As for the succession war, it will essentially change the face of Portugal, I can confidently say that, yet to what ends? You will have to just see.

[Slasher]

Chapter 6: The Rise and Fall of a great hero.

When we left our story Portugal was involved in a succession war for thier throne. Cutting through the fog of war was Castille, to claim thier throne. PS. What is the reasoning besides fog of war anyway?

Portugal had its home army vacationing in one of thier islands, so thier armies were composed of 'George Bush-like' national guard servicemen. Mercenaries were bought immediately of course until the home army vets could come back. So we had the cream of the Portuguese coop stuck in a ship while the homes of thier families is being defended by a bunch of opium addicts whos proudest achievement is discovering, through thier mixing of tobacco with opium that opium is actually pretty sweet to smoke on its own, not just to eat. Oh, and also they were armed with long sticks.

Above is an image of the national guards patrolling the border getting wooped by Castillian soldiers after building bonfires with thier long sticks after getting doped up. Or it could be a image of the Brits fighting Americans in the revolutionary wars 250 years afterwards, who knows.

Just after the beginning of the war, everyone hates us, Castille is sieging our border provinces, mercenaries are galavanting around doing who knows what, yet our home army comes closer by the day.

Note for the following sections:The ommisions of much of the battle reports have been taken out so as to not flood the page with images, only the important stuff is current.

As Castille got well inside Portuguese borders they won province after province, the mercenaries would fight back, would win here and there against the smaller Castillian armies yet the sheer weight of number would mean whenever the mercenaries would move to relieve another siege another army would re-seige the province that they just liberated. It was a battle they could not win, and one they would not win until the brave mercenaries were defeated in 5th July 1500. This was the stage they retreated back to the capital to re-organise and wait for reinforcements while leaving the provinces to thier own devices.

Good news from the Pope, Portugal are Papal Controllers, yet soon they will not have any lands to control it from, holy intervention would be just great.

The reinforcements of veterans that the Portuguese needed to turn the tide never came, they were beaten before the defeat of Portuguese mercenary forces by the combined navy of France, Castille and Aragon. There was no longer any money to rebuild and ship the troop over from the Americas, Portugal was cut off. A nation of mercenaries, a non existent national guard and basic garrison troops.....yet a whole lot of heart. Even the mercenary troops loved Portugal for its beautiful women, big beer, nice chicken and most of all for it's total bad ass-ness, a mercenaries paradise.

After news spread throughout Portugal of the double defeat of the home army and the mercenary army the people despaired, all around Portugal garrisons surrendered with ease and it seemed that all the great manliness and honour the Portuguese once had was gone, evaporated into a French like surrender-ness. Yet from this time of darkness came a story of bravery, one which reignited a flame and passion within the hearts of every Portuguese citizen, every woman and child, even young man serving thier country in this time of need because of the deaths of all the greatest military heroes in this costly succession war.

The year of 1500 is coming to a close. The province is Porto, it is integral to Portugal, it IS Portugal. From the grassroots of this province sprung the nation and from these very grassroots it shall sprout anew. Lightly defended yet under a brilliant commander, marginalised because of a simple accident with the former kings daughter, the general was a total stud, what can you expect? Anyway, the generals name is lost to history but his deputy and best friend is known. He was a man called William Bailley, yet because of disgrace of his forebears he soon was known as Axl Rose, adopting his name that was now known to be his biological fathers name, along with some wierd first name.....he was a Scot wacked up on some Whisky, who knows.....anyway, this man was not important to the current story but soon rose to prominance above that of his commander because of his dramatic stand in the final battle of the Portuguese. The real driving factor however was the commander, lets just call him Arnie.

Porto held out the longest of all provinces and would be taken and re-taken over the coming years, but the last battle of the first stanza was one which would become Portugals catch cry for the entire imperial period.

The fortifications of Porto were reduced to rubble, all that stood between Castille and Porto were a small band of soldiers fighting Castille through the streets of Porto itself. Conducting a fighting retreat better then Sir Fighting Retreatsalot the third, even the Castillian generals appreciated the buggers these Portuguese garrison troops were being, but ammunition for the Portuguese muskets couldn't last forever. The brave garrison was soon stuck with no musket, only thier swords. Against what was a large, well armed enemy. If they had surrendered at this point they would be hailed for thier bravery, as thier comrades in other provinces simply opened thier gate without a shot being fired. Yet Arnie and Axl were men of pride and honour, and thier soldiers would follow them to the brink of hell. They would fight, and die.

As Arnie looked around the corner to make a plan he saw what he despaired, it was either watch the city be burned and his woman raped or rush across the large courtyard to where the Castillian soldiers were assembled and hope for a breakthrough. Fight he would. No word needed to be spoken amongst his troops, they knew thier mission. As the men prepared themselves they didn't speak, they had grown as kids in the city of Porto, had trained together, no amount of speech could convey what they all knew they were thinking....and Arnie was there to convey it.
"Lads, there is not much to say, today we don't fight for ourselves, soon we will not be of this world, soon we will be legends of Portugal, because we died for our land, our families, and most of all to kick some Castillian ass!"
With that the brave troops surged over where they were hidden towards the Castillian lines. The sprint was done in fearless determination as the soldiers watched the Castillian troops preparing thier guns. Closer, closer, the Castillian troops were but 50 metres away, still closer and then BAM!

With one shot the Porto garrison were utterly obliterated, earning the respect and downright fear of the Castillians. These men fought like no enemy the Castillians had ever seen, they died in a fruitless attack for no other reason then to show the enemy they were the manliest of men. The city was spared and no more houses were burnt and the inhabitants were untouched, the brave soldiers of Porto gained immunity for thier city.

Yet as the mythical fog of war cleared, there was movement in the huge pile of Portuguese corpses. Out crawled Arnie, the commander, the one at the front line, riddled with half a dozen wounds, mortal to your regular man but not to the one who the people called 'The Terminator', he was unstoppable amongst the Portuguese and this legend would continue. Arnie got up and found the city abandoned, apparently the army who they just fought considered the city cursed because of the vicious warriors which lived thier, the Castillians had an old wives tale from back when the Germanic tribes settled in Iberia about a great Iberia province that had men who were not afraid of death as they were death incarnate, the ability to rise and destroy all those who had crossed them, crazy Castillians.

Arnie had to join the battle for the Portuguese nation as a whole, as he suited up to ride to Lisbon a tap of the shoulder startled Arnie and he turned around with a swinging arm towards the offender. When looking down however he saw an extremely wounded Axl Rose.
"What the hell man? You're a dick!"
"Hey man, I thought you would have survived, like a cockroach you are, lets go to Lisbon and kick some ass."

As time passed the two travellers joined up with the now marauding Portuguese army and watched in horror and province after province fell, the only option was a final stand in Lisbon.

The Portuguese army were amazed at the reports of Arnie and Axl's bravery in the Battle of Porto and the grand commander of the Portuguese mercenaries was replaced by Arnie, already a titanic figure amongst the mercenaries, the Wednesday fight nights were frequented by Arnie who managed to obliterate all he faced, the respect was earnt. Axl was granted the role of 'head rocker', he had the perfect 'pump up voice' for the integral Portuguese rock band, which granted awesome tunes as the main Portuguese army fought.

Oh yeah, and the dirty French once again got scared and decided to go make crossaints n stuff since they found out the Portuguese still had fight in them, damn wussies.

As 1502 kept on Porto changed hands a few more times, more provinces were taken, Lisbon was the last stand.

Friday June 5 1502. The eve of the greatest battle in Portuguese history, the newly invigorated army versus that of the Castillian horde, which like a python had bled the Portuguese white. Arnie and Axl were working great together, they had organised the perfect pump up music for the battle and the mercenaries were totally amped to kick some ass.

Before the battle Castille demanded peace, with the succession of a few provinces, yet not all they had taken, Porto for example would still be thiers. But Arnie would have none of it, he would enter his beloved Porto as a hero and would not enter it at all.

The first song was an instrumental, to pump up the soldiers. As the Castilians marched to the fortifications of Lisbon a song which was composed by Arnie himself was played, in his wisdom as a soldier he knew its mystical qualitites. It was derived from the anthem of the greatest empire the world has ever seen, that of the Cavemen, the manliest men of all, yet were dismissed as brutes and not a great empire by the damn French, damn them! The song would be lost to history after the battle as it was so great not even the ones playing it could remember it. It woudl be ressurected however 500 years later in an American movie Terminator 2, it would be the movies theme, and one of the greatest pump up songs from that day forth.

The men were totally pumped when this was being played and when the two armies line up ready for battle Axl let out a song which would forever stop Castillians ever taking Portugal lightly, once again, lost to history for around 600 years Axl belted out 'Welcome to the Jungle' as all hell broke loose and the Portuguese army fell upon that of the massive Castillian army and absolutely kicked ass much like Jesus did in the holy scriptures found in Aztec land which was now central to Papal belief.

As various pump up and battle songs were ripped out by the band, with Axl ever present standing on the highest point of the walls of Lisbon, the various 'missiles' wizzing by him, with no fear he spurred the Portuguese onto victory. This was the day of destiny and Castille died under the barrage of Portuguese awesomeness.

As the day came to a close and the Castillians fled and surrended Axl sat down on his perch and sung one to the soldiers who would, after this battle, throw loose the shackles of mercenary armies and join the Portuguese army as full time soldiers. 500 years later the song will be dug up and changed slightly so as to seem written to a female. The song was 'Patience', and it was about Portugals stuggle against all odds and the need for them to bide thier time to not only win the great victory they won today but also to reach the general objective.

With the end of this song both Arnie and Axl somehow dissappeared. The Portuguese claimed they had ascended to join God in heaven as they were great prophets of God but in actual fact they had caused a rip in the time-space continuum because of the sheer awesomeness of the situation and wound up being transferred to the early 1980's. In the coming decade they had in the shell of the hosts they had taken Axl started a freakin sweet band and revived some of his old pump up songs, as long as the ones he wrote for the love of his adopted country of Portugal, yet of course it had to be changed to suit the times. Arnie was hailed for his general kick ass ability. Unfortunately Arnie was often made fun of because of his strong accent, which was actually early Portuguese. As the mid 1990's approached Axl and Arnie once again dissappeared, only leaving the shell of the people that they had once inhabited, leaving only a whole bunch of lameness for both of them....the people they had taken the bodies off were pretty sucky but they realised that they needed to take the most out of the fame Axl and Arnie gave them. As a side note, when in the future Axl and Arnie were still good friends yet only worked on one project, Terminater 2 where Axl contributed a somewhat subpar song, while Arnie revived the great pump up song decended from the great cavemen, it was the theme of the movie, which, was a pretty bad ass movie for its time.

After the dissappearance of Axl and Arnie peace was declared and Portugal was left to thier own devices. Yet with the space created waltzed great evil. A dark figure convinced the army to support him for power, as he was a great friend of Arnie. Through a few tests of strength this figure was granted power. This dark figure was the GRAND CHICKEN! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

Portugal had been brought to the brink and through a few great heroes had even increased the manliness of Portugal. Yet thier mysterious dissappearance left a vacuum was filled by a great evil which had bided its time until it could gain power. The Nandos shadow empire was now entering the light, and a terrible light it would be.

Yet at least history was changed and even the wussiest of Portuguese men were more manly.

Now, as a special treat, Arnie in all his glory, kicking ass in Terminator 2 like a total bad ass accompanied with the ultimate pump up music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdQzk8qDSRU