Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

[Kurt_Steiner]

A mad gigolo... great, just great...

Mad... mad... well... a bit eccentric, actually...

Well I didn't need the help with the Spanish.

That's my boy!

Does Steiner really think that he has chance with Gorgo. He might have chances with Gorgon though.

Indeed, he thinks so. Steiner is all mighty, you know. About Gorgon... Perhaps our mad gigolo would like to care about this issue.

[Kurt_Steiner]

Chapter 15th: The Catalan Crusaders



Leonidas: Catalan crusaders? Not Spartan Crusaders? Boooo...

If it is too hot -the weather- Steiner is unable to think properly...

[And if it is not too hot, too, Steiner has always problems to think. Peti Niebla dixit.]

...er... as I was saying... writting... well, you know what I mean. Well, if it's too hot, Steiner has problems to think, so he's too busy sweating, swearing and making love... er... well... again... In short, it's too hot, so he's too busy and that makes him quite angry. Thus, the dark side of Steiner -"el cabronismo Steinerniano", as it was called in those times- takes the control of our anti-heroe, as King Jaume and his half of his entourage learnt those days. It is unknow if what happened was Steiner's way to relax or his dark soul allowing himself a bit of fun, but, the fact is that half of Jaume's entourage had a chance to learn to fly. Basically, it worked that way: Steiner saw a nobleman -well, or someone (a male someone, he wasn't so crazy yet) who had the habit to stand upright on two legs-. Then, he looked for a window and, once the window was found, the male someone felt a kick in his lower rear part and, by some unknown reason, that male someone found himself flying across the window down to the ground, which, for a regretable mistake, was quite far away from the window. The abrupt end of the voyage, of course, tend to end in a fatal way for the male someone, but, for Steiner, it meant some seconds of peace.

Awfully worried by this, Jaume, who didn't want to learn to fly, commanded that some ice was brought to Steiner, in order to try to refresh his loyal but a bit vicious -in the Spanish and the British meaning of the word - and humble adviser. Calmed, Steiner said:

-Next time you have the brilliant idea of sending me to take care of the Crusade in Middle East, please, send me in winter and at night. We've conquered As Zarqa in December 1163 and Al Habbaniyah in February 1164.

-...By the way, your loyal Perpinyà de Barcelona, duke of Palestine, is now now duke of duque de Ascalon and Damascus since January 1164, and your charming wife, Haduwyn, is now the countess of Mzab and Beni Yainn.

- Al Habbaniyah... that place is not quite a bit far away from Medina? -Jaume asked, a bit surprised by the turn of the events.

- It's on the way - Steiner replied.

Gorgo: To Picadilly?
Steiner: Gosh... Are you not too dressed, your...
Gorgo: Shut up.

A bass voice rumbles.

Steiner: I ... am ... Steiner

'I am Steiner... I am Steiner! I am Steiner? Steiner am I. Am I Steiner?

The name's Steiner. Kurt Steiner

'Hey, I'm Steiner.

'Me ... Steiner. You ... liquid...

They call me Kurt Steiner, universal troublemaker: I have the power to get into the hottest clubs, the hottest dressing rooms, and the hottest chicks. I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory. Why am I here? Why do I want the whole of the world to.... well, you know what...'

He read the line as Stanley Kowalski, as Don Corleone, as Charlie Chan, as Jerry Lewis, as Laurence Olivier, as Pierce Brosnan, as Andrew Dice Clay.

Thus the future kingdom of Jerusalem grows bigger -it's Steiner wish that this kingdom will cover from the Sinai to Bagdad and from Media to the Caucasus.. he knows, it's a too humble proyect, but, "you know, someone has to do it, men", he says-. In this process a little dusty corner called Ar'Ar -perhaps it's the place where Jar'Jar Binks came to the world- is conquered by the Catalan armies.

And, finally, the first big battle- The sheik of Medina send his army to stop the Catalanoaragonese Crusaders from going to Arabia. The Crusaders, who weren't on the mood because of the dust and the heat they had to stand during his silly trip through the desert, gathered to face the battle. They were sure that it was going to be an easy battle, as the little bunch of Muslim warriors they had faced till that moment weren't very much of a trouble.

But...

Judas finds himself hanging upside down into the great hall of the castle, Suddenly, he finds himself sprawiling on the straw-covered flagstones, emaciated and wild-eyed, close to madness. He cannot stop farting. Steiner doesn't mind. Peti is worse than that.

Steiner sits on a throne which stretches wooden wings out behind him. Murmurandus worships at his feet, tongue applied to black leather boots of Steiner's girls -they are there by hundreds, by the way. Cardinal Petrus, a blissful smile on his face and scabs on his neck, stands to one side, with Steiner's vampire lusty brides. The good Cardinal has his body covered by pages from Horatio's works, but he looks... good? Horatio doesn't complain, at least. Nor the brides...

Steiner: I bid you welcome. Come safely, go freely and leave some of the happiness and money you bring.

Judas looks up.

Judas: You ... were a Prince.

Steiner: I am a Prince still. Of Darkness.

The brides titter and clap. A look from their Master silences them.

Steiner: Judas, what do you think we are doing here, at the edge of Christendom? What dark mirror is held up to our unreflecting faces?

By the throne is an occasional table piled high with books: Dei gesta per Francos by Guibert of Nogent, Historia rerum in partibus transmarinis gestarum by William of Tyre, Policraticus by John of Salisbury, The Mabinogion, Perceval, le Conte du Graal by Chrétien de Troyes, Oscar Wilde's Salomé.

Steiner picks up the volume by Wilde. His voice rumbles:

-This shouldn't be here...

The Catalan Crusaders were confident till they saw that the Medina armies have called his friends from Mosul. The sons of the grat Medina... what a stroke of bad luck... Thus, the Catalan commander, Jordi de la Bastida, had an idea: he put the Aragonese infantry in the center, with the Castillian heavy cavalry on the sides and, in the rear, the Catalan, Leonese and Navarrese knights, with some infantry, ready to play a dirty trick to the enemy.

Oddily enough, the Muslim army went on headway, straight to the point, breaking the enemy lines and advancing mercelessly... till they found surrounded by all sides by the enemy and with the Catalan knights shouting

"Chaaaaaaaaaaaarge!!!!!"

like madmen. The end is fast, swift and bloody. The carnage spreads and the Muslim armies, decimated, flee from the field.

It's more or less, a victory.

Then, everything happens too fast for the human eye.

10th August. After a brief battle and a long and bloody persecution, Al Jawf is conquered. No one stands on the way of the Crusaders, who takes, two days later, Medina. Thus, next stop, la Mecca, con muy malas pulgas.

Another army from Medina tries to stop them. To call "battle" to this pitiful and bloddy failure would be too much

The rest of the campaign is a hot dream. Or a nightmare, depending on the side who looks at it. On January 9th, 1165, the Hijaz is conquered, after the usual massacre, er... battle. Incredible enough, the Muslim armies manage to put a last stand till they are finally destroyed on January 21. The future Kingdom of Jerusalem looks promising.

Jaume: I can be bald, but I'm a king.
Steiner: A bald King.
Jaume: You bast...

Non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed Nomini Tua da gloriam!

Leonidas: Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Steiner: I knew you'll like it...

Leonidas: But... Ok, some massive killings. Ok... But, while I was travelling to that place, I haven't found a single narrow place worth of being filled with 300 brave Spartan soldiers. How can you massacrate your enemy without a narrow pass?

Steiner: Not again, please...

Well... it was time to return to Europe... Or not...

[DarkReborn]

What, Jar Jar again?!

I want his head cooked at 5 o'clock, in time for the tea...

And for the sake of Ares, SPARTA. KICKS. PEOPLE. INTO. PITS.

[Judas Maccabeus]

What's wrong with Salome, it's probably the best one of the lot!

Also: Leonidas isn't happy. You might need to work on that, or you'll end up killed in a spectacular but impossible manner.

[Olaus Petrus]

Poor Cardinal, infected with girl germs. I hope he didn't get cooties.

Well, at least your campaign in Arabia went well.

[Kurt_Steiner]

What, Jar Jar again?!

I want his head cooked at 5 o'clock, in time for the tea...

And for the sake of Ares, SPARTA. KICKS. PEOPLE. INTO. PITS.

About Jar Jar... absolutely agree

About Pits... do you know how hot the desert is? Too much for digging...

What's wrong with Salome, it's probably the best one of the lot!

That's the point, methinks

Also: Leonidas isn't happy. You might need to work on that, or you'll end up killed in a spectacular but impossible manner.

True... I guess I'm too busy watching Gorgo...

You've given me an idea... I have a group of 300 crazy warriors with a death wish... I have the odd feeling that I know who is going to lead them. I'll send them to conquer... Byzantium, for instance And then Athens and finally Sparta. Why not...

Poor Cardinal, infected with girl germs. I hope he didn't get cooties.

Well, at least your campaign in Arabia went well.

Oh, my good Cardinal didn't look as he was suffering too much

And yes, I was lucky about the Arabian campaign. I thought I could get a beating when Mosul DoW on me. But... True Crusader are blessed, methinks

[Olaus Petrus]

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention:

[And if it is not too hot, too, Steiner has always problems to think. Peti Niebla's dixit.]

Why you have 's there. I think "Peti Niebla dixit" is the correct form, although I don't know why you don't just use said instead of dixit.

Saepe stilum vertas, Olaus Petrus dixit. (although I think that it was Horatius originally)

[Kurt_Steiner]

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention:



Why you have 's there. I think "Peti Niebla dixit" is the correct form, although I don't know why you don't just use said instead of dixit.

An internal joke against myself is the reason for this... So, time to correct me...

Thank you very much, my dear Cardinal. I've added a little bit about you, as a way to say, thanks!

About your dress, actually.

[Olaus Petrus]

An internal joke against myself is the reason for this... So, time to correct me...

Thank you very much, my dear Cardinal. I've added a little bit about you, as a way to say, thanks!

About your dress, actually.

[Kurt_Steiner]

Well, just for you, my dear readers, to know. I'm in that hateful moment of your life when you move from one house to another -you know, everything goes up and down, all lost in boxes.. well... that kind of things.

So, I'm afraid that my ARR is going to suffer a sudden and unwanted stop. However, don't worry, I'll return. I won't live you without knowing the end of the Catalan attempt to conquer the world nor without knowing the fate of our Judas and the powerful Cardinal Petrus.

And more to come...

Sooner or later, I hope...

[coz1]

Damn...you stop it just when I catch up. Oh well, here's to waiting for the return.

This has been some hilarious stuff, KS! The literary and cinematic references keep me chuckling often, though I hesitate to comment for fear of dying soon after. Poor, poor Judas. I do enjoy the play within the AAR, however.

I definitely look forward to the return!

[Murmurandus]

So Mr. Steiner, how is the house move going?

[Kurt_Steiner]

Well, it has been happily ended... So, soon, you'll have the Catalan menace... er..., the Catalan tales back. With our dear Judas and our dear Cardinal Petrus, of course.

Plus more surprises... That's the problem of having too much time to seat iddle, you know...

[DarkReborn]

This incited me to play a game as Aragon, of course,its rulers are the only and true Sanchez dinasty

[Kurt_Steiner]

Yes, yes... put the blame on me, boy

[Woody Man]

ROFL love the Leonidas bits , whens the next update!?

[Kurt_Steiner]

ROFL love the Leonidas bits , whens the next update!?

As thou asketh, it was being given, my boy...

Stay tunned...

[Kurt_Steiner]

Chapter 17th: The Troublemaker

Father and son couldn't stand each other. Both of them had too a strong determination about how things must be done, and no one could stand on their way. Thus, the father of the son put a solution to the problem.

Something must be done. And it was done.

To be honest, it was not the first time the a father killed his son. However, as the killer -or instigator of the crime- was the king of Aragon, the whole matter took a different consideration for the whole European nobility. Even if Steiner managed to put out the fire that the murder caused -gold is as powerful as always-, the damage to the Catalan prestige in Europe was done. And make things worse, Jaume had to show his pride to his beloved son and heir, Berenguer, to whom he bestowed the titles of his deceased brother. Steiner coudln't avoid wondering wheter the king was insane or not. Or whether Berenguer had something to do with the fate of his slained brother.

Just a dead???? This is not enough to bloody my fork!!!! You are a jerk!!!!!!




Steiner: My Lord, giveth me strenght... and a big sword...

Furthermore, the queen was absolutely incensed about the whole matter. Her sadness was impossible to describe. Her rage... well...

The Queen, flirting with Kurt. Even if she doesn't look quite sad, she was. Indeed. Absolutely.


What are you doing with that silly girl, boy? Do you want to know a real queen?

Steiner: This is a tricky question, I know... for sure...

All the eyes were pitiless.

The giant black elephant is lead into the courtyard. Swords are drawn in salute to the animal. It whinnies slightly, coat glossy ebony, nostrils scarlet. Inside the castle, Judas, who dresses in pink, descends a circular stairway carefully, wiping aside cobwebs. He has a wooden stake in his hands.

Everybody but Judas close on the elephant.

Judas's Voice: Even the castle wanted him dead, and that's what he served at the end. The ancient, blood-caked stones of his Catalan fastness.

Judas stands over Steiner's coffin. He opens it and... it's empty.

Steiner is reading a book. Patricia Cornwell's Portrait of a Killer: Ruppert Bear the Ripper - Case Closed. Steiner is trully interested in the reading. Judas comes closer. Outside, the swords stroke the elephant's flanks. Blood erupts.

Steiner's eyes turn on Judas, red marbles in his fat, flat face.

Judas pauses. Then Steiner sees the stake in his hands.

The elephants neighs in sudden pain. Axes chop at its neck and legs. The mighty beast is felled. Peti farts.

Judas plunges the stake into Steiner's vast chest.

Thus...

As to clam everything a bit and to show his love to his sons, the king give a title to his bastard son. Thus Sunifred, duke of Salamanca and count of Zamora is made duke of Niebla -to Steiner's surprise and to Peti's rage-. Steiner was a bit slow, so he failed to undestand the move, till he show that it was a way to give the necessary titles to Sunifred until it was the momento to make him -or his sons- king of Leon.

Looking at the map, Steiner had the feeling that Leon was going to be larger than he thought. Well, so it be. And, following the same way, the king made his king-of-Portugal-would-to-be son Ramón Berenguer count of Évora, after the unexpected death of the former countess. Ugly and childless, she had commited suicide, as her doctor concluded after giving a quick look on the knife that, sunk in her back, looked quite innocent upon the bloody sking of the deceased lady. So it be, Ramón Berenger was made duke of Tejo, too. Meanwhile, Steiner kept telling jokes to the queen, to cheer up her a bit, as the queen was as sensible and sensitive and so many deaths had a terrible event upon her tender soul.

The Queen during the mess for the decesaed countess of Evora. The pain was unbearable, as we can see

The elephant jerks spastically.

A gout of violently red blood gushes upwards, splashing directly into Judas's face, reddening him from head to waist. The flow continues, exploding everywhere, filling the coffin, the room, driving Judas back. Steiner's hands grip the sides of his seat as he tries to rise. Around him is a cloud of blood droplets, hanging in the air like fog.

Judas takes a shovel and pounds at the stake, driving it deeper into Steiner's barrel chest, forcing him back into the filthy ground. At last, Steiner gives up. Whispered words escape from him with his last breath.

Steiner: The horror ... the horror ...

Then, odd news came from France... Jaume felt that his time had come...

Steiner, dead? Too good to be true. Anyway, what is this guy doing, Gorgo? Just three deaths in a whole chapter? Perhaps this Steiner is an affeminate Athenian boy lover... News from France -where is it?-... I hope that they mean war... or battle... any narrow pass there? Where are my three hundred men?

Gorgo: Dunno, they've taken all the oil they could find in Sparta muttering something about going on on a trip somewhere...

Leonidas: Wise boys.

Gorgo: No cooking, then.

[Murmurandus]

Troubles, troubles, so many troubles...

[Judas Maccabeus]

I'd like to think I succeeded, but I know better than that. And too many queens for Steiner's good, methinks...