Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

Murmurandus said:

I got the gameplay part, it's the play-within-the-AAR which was a little confusing...

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Oh, the old story. Old Judas tries to kill old Steiner and finds some dangerous entertainment on the way

JimboIX said:

Step by step, Steiner conquers the world.

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You kow, the Middle Ages were a quite boring time, but almost nothing happening... There was no internet, no TV, so, our good boy has to do something to keep himself busy.

Remble said:

From the comedy duo of Fry and Laurie to Black Adder and thus onto Dr. House, where it was thought his career had reached its pinnacle.

Little did the pundits know that he would reach even greater heights with a cameo role in The Book of Deeds, a slightly exaggerated tale by Kurt_Steiner.

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Slightly? I should work harder...

At a way-station, Judas quietly smokes a pipe.

Judas's Voice: This was where we were to join forces with Petrus. This stone-crazy cardinal had spent his whole life fighting evil.

Petrus strides out of the mountain mists. He wears a scarlet army tunic and a huge sword. His face is covered with old scars. Crosses of all kinds are pinned to his clothes.

Judas's Voice: Petrus put the fear of God into the Devil. And he terrified me.

Petrus is accompanied by a band of rough-riders of all races. They are his personal army of the righteous.

Petrus: You are Harker?

Judas: Cardinal Olaus Petrus, I suppose.

Petrus: The same. You wish to go to No Man's Pass, young boy?

Judas:That's the plan.

Petrus: Better you should wish to go to Hades itself, foolish young boy. Well, who cares? We go at once to take Borgo Pass. Such a stretch of river and its seet waves should be held for the Lord. The Un-Dead, they appreciate it not. Nosferatu don't surf.

Petrus rallies his men into mounting up. Judas dashes back to the coach and climbs in. Llywelyn looks appalled as Van Helsing waves his sword, coming close to fetching off Llywelyn's head by accindent.

Llywelyn's severed head: That man's completely mad.

Judas: Here, that just makes him normal. To fight what we have to face, one has to be a little mad.

Petrus's sabre shines with moonfire.

Petrus (shouting like a madman): To Borgo Pass, my angels ... charge!

Petrus leads his troop at a fast gallop. The coach is swept along in the wake of the uphill cavalry advance. Man-lifting box-kites carry observers into the night air. Wolves howl in the distance. Music pours forth. The overture to Swan Lake.

Life passeth by... Some sad news disrupted the welcomed peace of the kingdom. First of all the tragedies that came, Cardinal Petrus finally got a way to get out of Barcelona and sailed to Rome. However, due to an unxpected storm he had to return. No one could explain what he was doing during this time. The Pope, who couldn't wait to his arrival to Rome to die, did so. Thus Cardinal Petrus, changrined by this awful piece of news, set his mind and energies to give life to one of his dearest dreams: to create a new body of "Guardians of the Faith", or, as it was known, The Petrush Inquisition. Then, worst news came.

Returning from a nice walk with some of his closest ladies, the queen Agata pf Tolouse, injured her knee when her horse thrown her out in a quite unpolite way. Anyway, it was just a light pain in the knee, so no one cared. Thus, when she was found in her bed, the next morning, the shock struck the whole kingdom. The doctors couldn't stop crying, blaming themselves for being so utterly useless, as their failure to see the hidden and unexpected secondary effects that finally took the life of the queen. The king, broken by his loss, was generous enough and didn't punish them for their failure: they had enough with his grief.

Even good old Steiner couldn't stop crying when he remembered the big amount of gold expended in the "hidden and unexpected secondary effects"...


Well, the way was open for a new wedding. Thus, on November 7th the king was bethroted to Haduwa, the charming daughter of Pieter, Duke of the Lower Lorraine, which, by the way, was a place judged to be essential by Steiner to fulfill his "Germanic enterprise".


The fame and the prestige of the king and his realm didn't stop growing, as it was proved by the petition of Foulkes, duke of Ultrejordaine, to become a vassail of Jaume, who accepted at once decidiera arrimarse al sol que más calentaba. Outremer, then, kept growing, to Steiner's pleasure. The Kingdom of Jerusalem was nearer to its fullfillment. But some infidel resistance must be erradicated first.

Then, the duke of Urgell defied the king, and rejected his petition to mobilize his host for the Palestine campaign. Thus the royal armies, gathered in Barcelona ready to go to Palestine, just turn north and went against the unloyal duke. And the same did the army which was gathering in Morocco to be sent eastwards. They turn south to deal with the rebellious duke in his African positions.


The campaign was quite fast and the ill-fated count, Ramon, had to surrender some weeks later. His title ended in the hands of the son of Jaume, fullfilling the dream of the king to gather under the Dukedom of the Spanish March ("Spanish?" -Steiner thought- "What an ugly name...") the lands of Urgell, Roselló and Empuries -plus Provence, but this was an unexpected collateral effect, so to speak...




Peace, at least...

Or not...


Apparently, one of our nobles was quite upset by the "arbitrary" ways of Jaume, and rebelled openly against him. A silly idea, apparently, but...

Petrus (turning to Judas, who hardly manages to keep himself over his horse): Music. Tchaikowsky. It upsets the devils. Stirs in them memories of things that they have lost. Makes them feel dead. Then we kill them for good.

As he charges, cardinal Petrus waves his sword from side to side. Dark, low shapes dash out of the trees and slip among the horses' ankles. Petrus slashes downwards, decapitating a wolf. The head bounces against a tree, becoming that of a huge highlander warrior, and rolls down the mountainside. Petrus's cavalry weave expertly through the pines. They carry flaming torches. The music soars. Fire and smoke whip between the trees. In the coach, CrackdToothGrin puts his fingers in his ears and Myth smiles as if on a pleasure ride across Brighton Beach. Judas sorts through crucifixes and haxes.

At Borgo Pass, a small highlander encampment is quiet. Elders gather around the fire. A girl hears the Tchaikowsky whining among the winds and alerts the tribe. The highlander bustle. Some begin to transform into wolves. The pounding of hooves, amplified a thousandfold by the trees, thunders. The ground shakes. The forests tremble.

Petrus's cavalry rushes out of the woods and fall upon the camp, blazing through the place, knocking over wagons. A dozen flaming torches are thrown. Shrieking werewolves, pelts aflame, leap up at the riders. Silver swords flash, red with blood. Petrus dismounts and strides through the carnage, throwing silver arrows which explode in wolf-skulls.

A young girl approaches Petrus's aide, smiling in welcome. She opens her mouth, hissing, and sinks fangs into the man's throat.Three cavalrymen pull the girl off and stretch her out face-down on the ground, rending her bodice to bare her back. Petrus drives a five-foot lance through her ribs from behind, skewering her to the bloodied earth. The cavalrymen congratulate each other and cringe as a barrel of gunpowder explodes nearby. Petrus does not flinch.

Judas's Voice: Petrus was protected by God. Whatever he did, he would survive. He was blessed.

Petrus kneels by his wounded aide and pours holy water onto the man's ravaged neck. The wound hisses and steams, and the aide shrieks.

Petrus: Too late, we are too late. I'm sorry, my son.

And with his sword, Petrus slices off his aide's head. Blood gushes over his trousers. The overture concludes and the battle is over. The encampment is a ruin. Fires still burn. Everyone is dead or dying, impaled, dismembered or decapitated. Petrus distributes consecrated wafers, dropping crumbs on all the corpses, muttering prayers for saved souls.

Judas sits, exhausted, bloody earth on his boots.

Judas's Voice: If this was how Petrus served God, I was beginning to wonder what the firm had against Steiner.

The sun pinks the skies over the mountains. Pale light falls on the encampment. Petrus stands tall in the early morning mists and farts. Several badly-wounded highlanders begin to shrivel and scream as the sunlight burns them to man-shaped cinders.

Van Helsing: I love that smell ... spontaneous combustion at daybreak. It smells like ... salvation.

Olaus Petrus said:

Saving the innocent souls in the name of God is the finest profession man can have. Good to see that so many innocents were saved from the Devil.

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Indeed, indeed. Ah, the pious work of our humble Cardinal... A pity you lost the race for St. Peter...

JimboIX said:

Catalonia everywhere!

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Of course...

JimboIX said:

I'll have to smell spontaneous combustion at daybreak sometime..sounds tasty.

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Well, if you don't mind, my dear Peti has a bit of napalm waiting for being used...

DarkReborn said:

Spanish March? NO NO NO and NO!

We must Aragonize it, call it, Aragonese March, sounds very pomp, doesnt it?

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If you make "pomp", you don't stop... er... It shouldn't be Spanish March, indeed, but neither Aragonese March.

Just Catalan March.

***Aragonize... I like it... you're going to aragonize a lot, my dear Aragonese being... *** Sendai's coming to my mind...

Even the loyal council of the duke of Morocco agreed with that. The declaration of war was everything but a good idea. However, it cannot be said that it was an easy affair. The armies were ready, indeed, but the treasure was... well... Poetically speaking we can say that the Catalan kingdom had more soldiers than money. However, when Will is stronger, Miracles happen.

At least, that was the motto of Steiner...

No one knew, by the way, which was the opinion of that unknown Will. Historians are still puzzled about this enigma...

Meanwhile, Steiner kept on "reorganizing" the Holy Land. Folc, duke of Tanger, was persuaded with some money to sell to the crown his earldorms of Damascus (he did it by March 1160) and Baalbek (the following April). Having achieved this, and with the idea of creating a big Kingdom of Jerusalem, both counties were given to Perpinyà, the Catalan duke of Palestine. As the historians agree today, bearing in mind that delicate situation of Morocco, this was a quite risky movement. Even Steiner was amazed by his own success, but he didn't pay too much time to think about it and kept preparing the "Moroccan" game.

Well... the war didn't start well. The commander of the Catalan army, the corageous Berengerus des Moulins managed to get defeat by Vidal d'Urgell, marshall of the Duke of Morocco. Wasn't for the fact that the same very day Ramon, earl of the Canary Islands surrendered, perhaps des Moulins would have find himself in danger of watching an axe in a quite disgusting situation.



Mists pool around No Man's Pass. Black crags project from the white sea.

The army proceeds slowly. Everyone looks around, wary.

A voice: Remember that last phial of laudanum ... I just downed it.

Another voice: Good show, man.

Judas is looking up at the ancient castle that dominates the view. Broken battlements are jagged against the boiling sky.

Judas's Voice: Steiner's Castle. The trail snaked through the forest, leading me directly to him. Steiner, that bitch. The countryside was Steiner. He had become one with the mountains, the trees, the stinking earth.

The army halts. Cardinal Petrus sighs in amazement.

Petrus: Borgo Pass, Judas. I'll go no further.

Judas looks at Petrus. There is no fear in the warrior's face, but his eyes are slitted. A sliver of dark bursts like a torpedo from the sea of mist. A sharpened stake impales two soldiers who are behind the powerful cardinal, bloody point projecting a foot or more from his chest. Gasping, the holy warrior falls from his horse making an amazing and delicate movement in the air, while his legs go in one direction and his body in the other. Judas, who, trying to escape from the flying arrows, finds himself with his head sunk in the watery ground when Petrus' ass suddenly lands on his neck.

Covered by dirt, Petrus sputters hatred, when suddenly notices poor Judas under him, struggling in silence. He pushes and Petrus's grip relaxes. A fart is heard.

Jacque d'Artois: Good grief, man. That was extreme.

Judas: That smell... it... it... it does not smell like ... salvation.

Cardinal Petrus: Er... I'm a Holy Man, you know...

Judas: I'm not going to say what kind of man are you, your Excellency. I'm just going to ask you something...

Cardinal Petrus: Tell, my son...

Judas: Change your diet, please.

Johann von Habsburg: Indeed.

And von Habsburg thinks

"My gosh... still five centuries to have the gas mask invented..."

Meanwhile... Joan of Tarrego, duque and earl of Marrakech, received the county of the Canary islands in exchange for his loyal service. Likewise, William de Normandie, received Agrigento and Trappani, just to keep the heads of the rebellious Sicilians down. If this was to be with words or axes it was up to William...

War was unstoppable, so was life. October 8th. Princess Teresa is born. King Jaume wasn't quite dissapointed, as the war was working somehow, so he decided to have a party. The nanny of the little child wasn't so happy as the young princess decided that her first royal act would be to pee over the mentioned nanny. Steiner couldn't avoid noticing that... Perhaps this act was the start of a diplomatic career for her?

More happines was to come, when, a few months later, on December 12th 1160 a prince was born to the royal coupple. Berenguer was his name

Wait, wait, wait...

Tell me, my dear Peti...

Ok, man... er... Kurt. What are you doing? A girl on October and a boy on December? And with the same lady? Come on!

Have you ever heard of the Bug Phenomenon? The Experiment of Bughadelphia? Bug Fiction?

Stop it... I can't stand your "sense of humour".

That's for asking, then... As Sendai would say: now you go and cask it.

Well... as I was telling thee, my dear reader, on December a boy was born. Jaume, of course, had a party, where you could see Ronald de Macon, the famous troubadour, reciting some poems, as "The Rhyme of the Ancient Paradoxer".

December, then, appeared with its usual calm way, with the Catalan armies marching to Morocco to end the issue when the Duke of Flanders send us a quite unfriendly and unchristmastically message to make us know that he was on war with us. It was a shameful issue, it must be said, as the war was quite short -that's the problem of messing with Steiner, methinks- and unheroic. Thus, by February 1161 the duke of Flanders had enough so he give up his bellicous humor and put and end to the comedy. His gold and the rest were glady welcomed, though


Again... Wait, wait, wait...

Tell me, my dear Peti...

Ok, I think that you had gave the title of Trapani above, my dear boss

The Bug Phenomenon...

Bug Fiction?

You got it...

Yeah

Thus, as William of Flanders (hi, Ned) had spoiled our Xmas season, it was time to give some presents to our little child Berenguer...

Murmurandus said:

Interesting update...

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Thank you. I dunno if Judas's neck is going to like or not, but...

JimboIX said:

Steiner's motto is irresistable.

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Steiner is the irresistible one of the two

And he's so humble and charming... :rofl:

Judas Maccabeus said:

Indeed, my neck is not appreciative, but that's how it works sometimes...

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Put the blame on our Cardinal, who is not quite able to choose where to land, you know...

Olaus Petrus said:

Ignorant barbarians. There's nothing wrong with diet of peasoup, beer and onions. How can they claim that it makes you smell?

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Tell that to Jacque and Judas... Both begin with "J"... interesting... perhaps it's some kind of conspiration? Burn them all, Cardinal!

Later on Stenier blamed all that took place to the Bug Phenomenon. Alas, it was a poor excuse. An a false one, it should be added. Good old king Jaume, who wasn't in the mood to write a new Bible, began to give some titles to his most trusted friends as he needed to have some loyal men in Portugal and Egypt, becuase he -the king- felt that some turmoil was going over on those places. Thus, the loyal Mateu, earl of Faro, became duke of Viseu; Ponç Abba, earl of Cairo and Saquiriya, duke of Cairo. Achieved this, Jaume decided it was time to "tempt" a bit the "loyal" Sunyer de Rocabertí, earl and duke of Cordoba and earl of Badajoz, who became duke of Badajoz.


Steiner, who didn't understand this movement, asked the king what on earth he was doing. Theoretically, Steiner said, their common purpose was to curb the power of the nobility. Jaume agreed and, as he was in a wonderful good mood, replied that this was exactly what he was doing. Steiner, of course, didn't agree at all, so he asked why he made Sunyer so powerful with this new title. The answer was quite straightforward. And wrong, we must add, as time will tell:

King Jaume thought that Sunyer, with his new and powerful role in the kingdom, would seek more power, as he had been done until that moment. This it was question of time that Sunyer would go to far. And then...

Jaume (with a big smile): He'll make a mistake and I'll send good old Sunyer to pay a visit to the devil.

Steiner (not quite sure about this claim): What if he doesn't do a mistake?

Jaume (smiling broadly): Thou wouldst help him, my dear friend.

Steiner (taking a sharp tool): Impressive... But something may go wrong...

Jaume: Be water my friend... trust me, my loyal boy...

Steiner couldn't stand such a calmy way, so he went in seach of someone who would make him feel better. So, as my grandpa said once "Thou seakest and thou foundest, even if what thou foundest wans't at all what you wantest".

Finally, on foot, Judas arrives at the gates of the castle, with some of his followers. They are hungry and afraid, as they are surrounded by a silent crowd of Catalan men and women who let them to go through. Judas notices human and wolf teeth strung in necklaces, red eyes and feral fangs, as well as four red stripes on a yellow background which many of those people have in a tattou on their forefront. These are the children of Steiner.

In the courtyard, a big furry dog noses among freshly-severed human heads. Judas is smitten by the stench of decay but tries to hide his distaste by farting. JimboIX and Llywelyn groan and complain. They don't like farting.

A gigolo-like figure scuttles out of the crowds.

Murmurandus: Are you Russian? Yo'm an Englishman. F. Murmurandus, at your service.

He shakes Judas's hand, then hugs him, then he kisses Judas on the lips. His eyes are jittery, mad. Judas looks around, but he has nowhere to run.

Murmurandus: The Master has been waiting for you. I'm a lunatic, you know. I eat pies. Fish and chips. Hamburgers, when I can get them. It's the grease. The grease is the life, as the book says. The Master understands. Steiner. He knows you're coming. He knows everything, even the cell number of Paris Hilton... well, who doesn't know it... Never mind... He's a poet-warrior in the classical sense. He kills you while reciting Petrarca and Woodsworth... wait... I think I'm a bit further in time... I meant... who cares... he's a poet-warrior, and that's all. And he has visions. He's a foreteller. He has the vision when he farts. You'll see, you'll learn.

Judas (scratching his head): To fart?

Murmurandus (not caring about Judas): He's lived through the centuries. His wisdom is beyond ours, beyond anything we can imagine... he has seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, he has watched c-beams ... glitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. How can I make you understand? He's promised me lives. Many lives. Some nights, he'll creep up on you, while you're shaving, and break your mirror. A foul bauble of man's vanity, foolnesh, pride. The blood of Attila flows in his veins. He is the Master.

Judas looks at the sky and thinks about a lost garden in Kent.

Murmurandus: I know what bothers you. The heads. The severed heads. It's his way. It's the only language they understand. He doesn't love to do it, but he knows he must do it. Some one has to do it, after all. So he kills, as he knows the truth.

Judas ignores the prattle and walks across the courtyard. Scraps of mist waft under his boots. A huge figure fills the doorway. Moonlight shines on his head. Heavy jowls glisten as a humourless smile discloses two red eyes and two long fangs the size of thumbs...

Judas halts.

A bass voice rumbles.

Steiner: I ... am ... Steiner

Thus Steiner found one of the most intrepid and courageous soldiers ever born.


Leonidas: I don't like the plan of your king.

Steiner: Neither do I. Too many things may go wrong.

Leonidas: I don't give a damn about it. There is no massive killing planned. While I was travelling to that place, I haven't found a single narrow place worth of being filled with 300 brave Spartan soldiers. How can you massacrate your enemy without a narrow pass?

Steiner: Gosh... My friend, I think you've come to the wrong AAR...


Leonidas: Is not this place SpAARtaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?!?!

Steiner (trying to know if his ears still work...): Er... not, it is not, methinks...

Leonidas: Ok, see ya later, folk.

Steiner: Hey! Wait! Can you tell me the cell phone nomber of your queen?

Thus Steiner, by this unexpected meeting, came to put an end to this state of affairs. So our brave heroe (?) had to do something to kept himself busy while he managed to get to know queen Gorgo of Sparta, don't you think? So, Raimundo, earl of Lisbon found himself accused of a sodomy, treason and, worst of all, of being awfully ugly -had been Cardinal Petrus there at that time, this last charge wouldn't have go to Raimundo, but...

The result was quite obvious, as the reader may guess. Raimundo, once deprived of his title, was sent to prison a cold 30 of December of 1162, where he would wait his execution. Thus passeth away Le Comte sans tête...

Jaume (unable to understand): Was Raimundo dangerous for me?

Steiner (reading a letter): No.


Leonidas: No killing, no murder, no shedding of uneeded blood?!?!?!?!?!

Steiner: No.

Leonidas: You affeminate boy-lover. I bet you were born in Athens...

Jaume: So...

Steiner: I was just testing my muscles.


But life went on, and Steiner did his bit to fulfill his plan to create a big kingdom in Palestine. Thus, Perpinyà de Barcelona, duke of Palestine and Galilee and earl of Damascus, Acre, Beirut and Jerusalem, became the duke of Tyre.

It was in this time, March 1162, when Steiner heard that the Norwegian civil war, which had started in may 1161, had just ended. It seemed that Halsen, duke of Bergen and brother of Grelen, sister of Eric the Black, conqueror of the Orkneys, well... as I was saying, Halsen duke of so and so, rebelled against his king Leofwine. Defeated, Halsen lost everything from his neck upwards. Wondering what to do about it, Steiner informed his king about it, who didn't see what interest could find in that distant place. At least, not in that moment.

Then, when Steiner had just begun to court the fair Gorgo, unexpected news arrived.


By some unknown reason Basora declared war to Irbid, in the distant kingdom of Outremer. As Steiner knew later on, someone called Leonidas had killed some of the cousins of the ruler of Basora, just to see what came next. So, the Aragonese armies went to war. First the just broke throught the closest allies of Basora that the could find.


[Note= "Seguido del asedio de rigor y rendición habitual" means "followed by the usual siege and the common habit of surrendering after such a siege". Just to help you to learn Spanish...]

And then they put themselves to work. Next stop: Medina.

What do you say, my dear Leonidas?

Leonidas: Medina is not in the way to Basora.

Steiner: True, very true, my brave Greek king.


Leonidas: Then what the heck are you doinggggggggggggggg?!?!?!?!?!

Steiner: This I'll tell you later on.


Gorgo: When?

Steiner: You should wait to the next chapter, my fair queen... by the way... Have I told you later that you have the most wonderful...