Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

JimboIX said:

He's all grown up! So sweet and murderous! He has yet to rid himself ot Castillians however. Beware.

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Give him/me time...

Olaus Petrus said:

Glad to see that our good cardinal survived, although it's not honour to be rescued by Kurt Steiner.

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I see... so, next time I'll let thee save thy skin thyself... If thou canst...

Judas Maccabeus said:

Nope. I'm afraid not.

And the Reconquista is not over until the Castillans are gone. ¡Santiago Matacastillanos!

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Nope? Sure? We'll see...

Well, the Reconquista -in the original meaning, that is, against the Moors- is over. I dont meant that freeing the Peninsula is over, of course... You should now me better than that...

RGB said:

Judas Maccabeus said:

And the Reconquista is not over until the Castillans are gone. ¡Santiago Matacastillanos!

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Somehow I've the feeling that's not strictly a canonical interpretation...

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Matacastellanos is more accurate...

Llywelyn is the one to blame for which took place. After discovering that the county of Constantine had been conquered by the Moors -what the heck they were doing there is a mistery- Llywelyn decided that, as the Moors wouldn't be used to the cold weather of the region, he would make some gold with them. They would buy him skirts -"wasn't the Scottish weather hateful? so?" he answered to his wife when she wondered about his (in)sanity- and hw would get some gold in exchange. At least, the plan went like that. However, the Moors weren't quite sure about the issue, and they didn't bought the skirts. The Scots, on their part, were quite furious with Llywelyn, who had stolen them their skirts. So, Llywellyn found himself unable to go north, as the Scots were searching for him -and his wife too-, without money and with a lot of useless skirts. So he went southwards and tried to sold them to the Catalan king.

Of course he didn't sold a single piece, but cardinal Petrus went in rage as he heard that the unholy Pagans were iddle sitting in Constantine -well, he understood Constantinople, but he can be excused... -, thus he began to claim for crusade and so on. He was so succesful that, in August 1110, the Catalan army arrived to Constatine, defeated an enemy army and, four days after the war started, got the prize: Gausfred -weird name for a Moors, isn't it?-, count of Constantine, surrendered inconditionally, loosing his conty, which was given to Gerau, marshal of the Catalan kingdom.


As the historian David Beckham wrote, the key of the issue came when sir RGB claimed the county for himself. The problem was that sir Trashing Mad do so, as well as sir Veldmaarschalk junior. So they decided to settle the issue by God's Trial. Cardinal Petrus was against a fight between Christian brethern, and was going to say it, loud and clear. However, he saw a pretty young lady who smiled at them, and you know... To put it short, our good cardinal forgot the issue for some seconds. The few seconds needed, by the way, to start the Trial.

Sir RGB was quite fast to slay sir Trashing Mad, who, quite angered by his unexpected death, refused to go to his own funeral. A shame. Meanwhile, sir Veldmaarschalk junior beheaded sir RGB with his axe while sir RGB was attending a call from nature behind some trees. By this unnoble action -sir RGB was with his trousers down, you know, so he died showing the world his... his... that is... that part of the body which starts where the back ends...- sir Veldmaarschalk junior was made a Lord by the king of England and sent to the House. However, the Gods weren't happy with the action -they didn't care about seeing sir RGB dying in such a position, but they were quite unhappy about the tree, which had a terrible shock for the unexpected ivision- and sir, now Lord Veldmaarschalk didn't get to House, as it was expected, as he was attacked on the way by a vicious chipmunk. The terrific deed was so shocking that Lord Veldmaarschalk, although he wasn't injured at all, lost his memory and his underweaer. In such a terribles sitaution, unable to remember who the heck he was, he choose a terrible fate for himself and the English kingdom...

Lord Veldmaarschalk after the vicious attack, wondering what he was doing there, covered by blood, with a piece of paper in his hands. Of course, he knew it... blood, paper... he was to be the future editor of the Sun!!!!​

Thus was the way that a chipmunk became Lord in the House, by the way.

The next silly war came, again, due to a problem with a commercial issue. Apparently, some Moor business men complained loudly about the poor quality of some wines they bought from Bruges. Bruges felt outraged and there went the Catalan king to defend the outraged and punish those fools who dare to do such a deed. The chronists are still wondering about why the Catalan king took that measure, as he had nothing to do with Bruges. Their only conclusion is that single one:

"With Kurt Steiner messing in the issues of the kingdom, anything is possible".

Again the war was swift and short, and ended by March 1111 with the conquest of the county of Beersheba. Meanwhile, Nikadea and Nikomedia asked the Catalan king for an alliance. They were at war with the Cuman Empire, so it's not surprised that the offer was turned down. At this point, every single vassal of the Catalan kingdom began to praise the good sense and generosity of the king who, despiste of the bad state of the treasury, didn't ask the Courts for a rise in the taxes.


Then the big game began: Alfons finally made up his mind and decided that the crown of Castille was his for birthright and asserted his claim on January, 9, 1114. The Castillain king didn't bother... till he saw the mobilization of the Catalan armies, who took place two weeks later. It was a slow process, with some unxpected setbacks, as when Hammud, count of Zaragoza, didn't follow the royal call to arms.

-What do you say that the count of Zaragoza has answered? Steiner?!?!

-He has been quite polite, m'lord. He has said "No, thank you".

-What is a moor doing as lord of Zaragoza?

-Well... the issue started when his grandpa married the wrong girl, you know...

-We don't want him as a duke of us.

-Wait... be patient...


The most digusting new came when Alfonso, count of Urgell, and Dalmau Berenguer, duke of Cordoba and uncle of the king, refused to join the royal standard. King Alfons, quite disapointed, decided he won't send them no more Xmas cards. When Ermengol, count of Biskra and member of the Empuries house, did the same, King Alfons decided that, in the future, those traitors would hang from their bowels. However, Castille was first.

And to make things worse, the kingdom of Jerusalem is born with the lands that WE had just conquered!


And, suddenly, the king of Jerusalem becomes vassal of the duke of Palestine, son of Alfons. Steiner didn't understood anything at all.

However, Castille was first, so, as the royal armies began to be at their destinations... king Diego of Castille declared war to Alfons on June, 23. France, trusted allied of Alfons, declared war at once to Castille, but, as the reader shall see by the absence of reference to the deeds of the French armies, the "trusted" allied did nothing in the issue at all.


And the war started in the fines way when the Catalan armies crushed the Castillian forces at Cáceres (July 16). It was a significant battle, as it saw the Catalan longbowmen triumphing over Castillian crossbowmen, making a twist in the course of warfare. The same day, by the way, a Castillian army laid siege to the Catalan county of Tobruk, defended by Lord Meugomery, and the Catalan hosts leaded by Lord Marshall Felix de Montsoliu gathered to attack Quattara, Ascalon and Damascus in a near future.

It must be said that, during the siege of Tobruk, a young knight called CrackdToothGrin won eternal praise when he fought a single-handed battle against ten Castillian knights. Despite of loosing his both legs and arms, he could kill them all with his teeth. Alas, he died of a massive loss of blood, due to the injuries received, but his body was embalmed and, later on, carried to Jerusalem, when it was buried in the Hall of the Crazy Heroes.

We shouldn't forget how another knight called Font de Llop saved the day when, as the garrison of Tobruk was running out of supplies, he arrived with two ships filled till the top of the masts with chips and fish. It is true that no one thank him for his action, as they were too busy eating, but their burps were a praise loud enough for him. Thus was the way that Font de Llop avoided Tobruk to meet the shame of surrendering.

While the siege of Cáceres went on, the Royal armies leaded by count Berenguer Ramón attacked Vizcaya. On the 27th, Caceres surrendered, followed by the victories at Negev (Sinai) and Silves (Portugal), at then end of July and the beginning of August. It was a nice start for the war. Finally, the brave garrison at Tobruk was annhilated in a final onslaught and the city was raized to the ground on August 10th, just to be recovered a few days later by expedition sent from Barcelona to help the city. Thus the Castillians troops, who had massacred their enemies a few days later, found themselves facing the same fate... Fate and its jokes, methinks...

Then, suddenly, France did something. On August 20th, the French King signed a White peace with Diego of Castilla –no words can express how grateful Steiner was to the French ally... -. At least Damascus was conquered toward the end of September and Alfons became Duke of Damascus. Not bad...

More good news came on these days...


Meanwhile, in Castille, the war went as it was used. Sieges, sieges and sieges... in Valladolid, Vizcaya and Salamanca. No big battles, no minor fights... just sieges... as the main Castillian armies were fighting in Africa, to everybody surprise...

So, when the few scattered Castillian armies in the Peninsula are annhilated remorselessly on Alcántara (September 8th) and Burgos (September 11th) no ones was surprised. However, Alfons wasn't pleased when his armies were annhilated in Cyrenaica. Actually, he was quite furious, mad of rage, I must add. Not even the surrender of some cities along october (Salamanca, Alexandria, Alcacer do Sal...) put himself down. So, then on October 17th, Diego offered a simple peace, acknolewdging Alfons, king of Aragon, as rightful count -well, duke now- of Damascus, Alfons accepted, even if the result of such a long war was quite meagre. As a celebration, he gives to his son Pere, duke of Palestina, Damascus and Darum. So, the First Castillian War was over.

However, the Castillian issue wasn't over at all...


Meanwhile... what was doing the most well know undead person in the world? What was Judas Maccabeus doing? Was he preparing some evil plan to take revenge upon Steiner?

Stay tunned...

Llywelyn said:

Sadly, this is very similar to my experiences in high school.

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Oh damn it... So, your relation with short skirts comes from long ago...

What the heck is Richard IV doing there?j.

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I love his hair style, you know...

Olaus Petrus said:

Glad to see that brave and noble crusaders liberated Constantinople...

...Hey, wait a minute. This isn't great city of Constantinople, but some crappy Numidian village in the middle of nowhere.

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Actually, it is in Brittany... So, in a corner of France... Yep, you're right, almost in the middle of nowhere...

Olaus Petrus said:

Heh. I thought you meaned Constantine which is ancient city in Algeria.

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I know you thought I meant it. In fact, I was quite surprised when I saw it, then I remembered that Algeria was a French colony, and I thought that the French would think what I would feel puzzled and you would think that I would mean that Constantine and not the other one...

Again, those French people...

JimboIX said:

The whirlwind is reaped.

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And more whirlwind they shall reap. There can be only one house ruling the Peninsula.

Judas Maccabeus said:

Nope, I'm fine... happy watching Castillans being killed... not plotting at all...

*whistles innocently and waits for Kurt to turn his back*

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Little Judas... thy loyalty will be rewarded, trust me.

*smiles tenderly while he thinks "the horror... the horror... the horror...*

Actually, all the issue began quite smoothly. The king was hunting on his own, thinking about the last girl he has seduced, about the last fiefdom he had given... that is, the usual things, when, suddenly, a though came to him.

Paralysed by a sudden fear, he forgot about the deer he was going to kill and returned as fast as his horse allowed him to find the whereabout of Steiner. The loyal royal adviser was busy trying to convince a charming lady to show him her... her... well, that part of the female body that the old Anglo Saxons called breost, you know. However, neither the lady nor the husband weren't keen on that question, so the king arrived just in time to avoid a disgusting incident.

Thus, the king took Steiner by his left ear and took him away from his fate.

Alfons, looking in straigh in the eyes shoot at him:

-Steiner...

-Yes, m'lord?

-I've been lost in deep thoughts about my noblemen while you were deeply concerned with their wives...

-Indeed, my noble king, I was...

-And this cannot be. I cannot tolerate this kind of things.

-....errrr... what do you mean by that?

-If you take a look at my vassals, you'll se that they are not form a single origin -Alfons realized suddenly that Steiner wasn't following him, so the king shouted furiously-: This is not the Catalan nobility. This is the Foreign Legion!

-Well, my king... it would be the Foreign Legion... provided that it existed. You'll see, m'lord... the Foreign Le...

-Don't play tricks on me, Steiner... Do you see what I mean?

-Frankly speaking, m'lord? Not a chance.

A sudden thunder, a mad laugh, a distant cry, all it is hear at the same very moment, while the dead rise from their resting places...

A voice: Steiner is going to go too far away.

Another voice: Steiner has to be neutralized.

A third voce: And we have the man for that.

-Look at Zaragoza, for instance -Alfons shouts-. Look at his lord!!!!

-Kamal, the moromaño (1).


-Right. Can you explain me how the heck a Jimenez becomes a Moor?

-Something about to do with his mother, m'lord?

-No! if they had to change their culture is to become Catalan! All of them.

-Even Cardinal Ximenez, from the Spanish Inquisition?

-Steiner... We must convert them.

-I gather that by "we" you mean "me", that is, I, Kurt Steiner, isn't it, m'lord. Well, don't worry. At least we have a Catalan count in Navarra. Initially, all the Navarrese nobility were Castillians... er.... Let's change the topic...


-...they are unworthy of their titles, Steiner, unworthy... and that moor...

-...in love with the moooooooooooooooooooooon... errrr.. damned be the Fary -2-. Sorry, my king... what were you saying, m'lord?

-... We need trully Catalan people ruling those counties and earldorms, that's my point!!!!

-Mmmh... My charming and calm king, let me ask thee something... thou art quite prone to rage lately -since thou werest born, actually-. Thus... have you any sexual problem?

-Do you want me to solve your sexual problems, Steiner?

-I don't have any, m'lord.

-Try to say that with you b***s hanging from a tree, Steiner.

-I gotcha.

A treeline at dusk. Tall, straight English trees. The red of sunset bleeds into the dark of night. Great flapping sounds. Huge, darks shapes flit languidly between the tress, sinister, dangerous. A voice wails in despeair...

People Are Strange

Judas's Voice: London... shit!

When You Are a Stranger

Judas Maccabeus, from the glorious clan of the McCabeus, lis uneasy on his bed, upstairs in the inn at Southwark- His eyes are empty, he avoids his own gaze in the mirror and takes a squat bottle of plum brandy. He wears only a kilt turned upsed down. His arms and chest are sinewy, but his belly is white.

Judas's Voice: All the time I stayed here in the inn, waiting for a commision... I was growing older, useless, wasting precious life, while Steiner sat on top of his mounting, leeching off the land, growing younger, powerful, thirstler...


-I see... so... you want to get rid of the Jimenez, my peaceful king? But... what to be do, m'lord? Do we hang the Jimenez with their own bowels from a tree or do we go after the crown of Castille while...

-Both things. At the same time. At the same very moment.


-And the same goes for that lover of spaghettis and the Castillian Ribagorza... -Alfons annouces, whith a dark smile on his lips. A fart is heard in the distance. Peti whistles innocently.

-Mmmh... I see that his humble majesty is in quite xenophobic mood today.

-At all, Stenier. I want to kill you too, and you're a Catalan son of...

-Of my mother, I see...

-How is it possible that a king is the vassal of a duke? Are they crazy in Palestine?


-Er... the sand, you know...

The blind crucifix above the mirror, hungs with cloves of garlic, looks down on Judas. He misses his footing and falls on the bed, then gets up, farts, reaches and takes down the garlic. He bits into a clove as if it were juicy apples, and washes the pulp down with more brandy.

Judas's Voice: Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission. And for my sins, they gave me one

Steiner looks at the map. Alfons, in his rage, as tore it up with a knife. A big hole lies were Burgos should be.

Burgos, the principal city of the Castillian kingdom. Its capital.

Steiner smiles, looks at the map and, moving towards the window, sees a new dawn. It looks promising.

Far away, Judas keeps on with his exercises, waiting for his commission.

(1) Moromaño= a native from Aragon (also called Maño or Mañico -just ask Dark Reborn-) who has as his culture the Arab one.

(2) Spanish singer -so they say. Better don't ask further, my friends. It would be mentally unhealthy for ye all.

Llywelyn said:

Kamy's got a lot of titles. That's gonna be a pain to fix.

Incidentially, I'll give you three guesses who the heir is of the might and majesty of Barcelona in my Khazar game right now.
And a fourth about what the AI decided to do about him.

j.

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We agree... Kamy's do look troublesome, so young....

Mmmh... KhazAAR... Barcelona... I hope the heir is not from Madrid...

JimboIX said:

Looks like there's going to be a purge. Imagine the shame if the Dukes themselves were converted..

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That's right. That's the idea. Until reality comes, then...

Olaus Petrus said:

Kings wants to get rid of non-Catalans and Steiner and Judas is back and wants to get rid of Steiner. Also most enlightened readers want to get rid of Steiner. This can't end well for Steiner.

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My dear Cardinal... Do you want to become Pope? Nothing else to add.

Bearing in mind that Steiner, who, by sheer chance, it's the most charming, lovable, humble and sexy man in the universe, is fated (apparently) to conquer the world... Do you think that poor little Judas, who got killed once, is not going to be killed twice? Or thrice?

Come on... :rofl:

End of October, 1117.

A cold day was breaking when Cardinal Petrus almost stormed the royal rooms. He was quite upset and disturbed: The Pope had written him and it was not to congratulate him for his red robes. Not at all. It seemed that the Pope was quite disgusted by some interpretations of the Bible that some enlighted men were doing in the Catalan kingdom.

Cardinal Petrus, of course, shouted about hell and fire and so on, as he had a role to fulfill, but he knew quite well that nothing would come out of it, as one of the king's daughters was one of the main leaders of the Catacritic movement, as it was called by then.

As it was foreseen by many, nothing happened. The Poppe muttered something about "excommunicating someone", Stenier played with a knife, Petrus resumed his usual hobbies -that is, selling Papal indulgencies and pursuing his beloved Sisters of Mercy...- and, all in all, bussiness when as usual.

Towards the end of the year the king decided that it was time to conquer some Southern lands.

-But, m'lord -Steiner couldn't believe his ears- why the heck are we going to conquer the Saharian?

-I want to conquer the Canarias Islands.

-Darn it... we can use our fleet for that your...

-I'm seasick.

Thus the issue was settled and the army departed in his usual conqueror mood.


Servants usher Judas Maccabeus into a well-appointed drawing room. A table is set with an informal feast of bread, cheese and meat. Dr JimboIX, in a white coat with a stethoscope hung around his neck, warmly shakes Judas's hand and leads him to the table while one of his fingers -JimboIX's fingers- hungers deep on his nose -Judas' nose. Lord Nightcrawler sits to one side, tossing and catching a spade-sized bowie knife which looks dangerous.

Cardinal Olaus Petrus, well-dressed, napkin tucked into his starched collar, sits at the table, forking down a double helping of paprika chicken. When Judas's eyes meet Petrus's, the cardinal looks away.

Dr JimboIX: Harker, help yourself to the fare, Judas. It's uncommonly decent for foreign muck.

Judas: Thank you, no. I took repast at the inn.

Dr Dr JimboIX: How is the inn? Natives bothering you? Superstitious babushkas, what? Lascivous girls trying to rape you? Boys? Both?

Judas: I am well in myself. But I miss a decent coup of tea.

It was a slow march, it must be said. The heat didn't help either, but the Catalan army was too stubborn to withdraw. Meanwhile, the king decided it was not good for him that a Moor was lord of Zaragoza -had he been a Castillian lord it wouldn't have helped either...- Thus, by the Lord's Grace, Kamal, duke of Zaragoza, was given the chance to renounce to his titles.


Meanwhile, as Steiner remembered suddenly, they were at war with Castille. The conflict kept going at a silly pace: the Catalan king kept his siege around Burgos and sending offers of peace to the Castillian king. Perhaps the rightful lord of Burgos wasn't happy as the proposals came in the mouths of those Castillians soldiers who had been made prisioners by the Catalan army... Well, I must add that the Castillian King was too obsessed with every single detail, you now... It didn't help that he died due to an unexpected stroke, as his son, Diego, was as stubborn as his late daddy.


Suddenly...

While Judas's interview goes on...

During the fight between the two armies, the corageous sir RGB conquered all alone a little pub in the outskirst of Burgos. Charmed by the lovely owner of the pub, a lady whose beauty bring sir RGB memories of Venus, our valiant knight decided to marry her. That same night he attempted so, and, while he was going to say "yes, I do", he was suddenly pierced by an unexpected sword. His surprised wife-to-be didn't have time to regret her loss, at the killer, sir Thrashing Mad, to repair her for the loss, proposed her to marry him. The lady, of course, agreed, and sir Trashing Mad decided to drink a beer to her sake. However, the dark lord Font de Llop had poisoned the beer, so our poor Mad died in pain, sending his hate to Font de Llop. The new husband-to-be, after throwing our poor Mad to the dustbin, said to the priest:

-Yes, I doggggggggggggggggggghhhhhh....

...but couldn't end the sentence, as my lord Llywelyn cut off his head. So Llywelyn said

-Good, good, padre... take it easy, but not too much, that I'm in a hurry...

So, in that bloddy way, the lady got married


Meanwhile, the Castillian war kept his silly way of doing things. Everybody surrended, but the one Steiner wanted to do so...


Dr. JimboIX: Splendid ... the vampire, Countess Marya Dolingen of Graz. In 1883, you cut off her head and drove a hawthorn stake through her heart, destroying her utterly.

Judas: I'm not disposed just now to discuss such affairs.

Dr. JimboIX: Splendid ... the vampire, Countess Margaret Tatcher of London..., you cut off her head and drove a hawthorn stake through her heart, destroying her utterly.

Judas: I'm not disposed just now to discuss such affairs.

Lord Nightcrawler: Come on, Juddy-Boy. You have a commendation from the church, a papal decoration. The frothing she-bitch is dead at last. Take the credit.

Judas: I have no direct knowledge of the individual you mention. And if I did, I reiterate that I would not be disposed to discuss such affairs. And call me Juddy once more and I'll cut your b****, with all due respect, sir-

Dr JimboIX and Lord Nightcrawler exchange a look as Judas stands impassive while looking at nowhere. They know they have the right man. Cardinal Petrus, obviously in command, nods. Nowhere isn't happy the way Judas is looking at him.

Dr JimboIX clears plates of cold meat from a strong-box that stands on the table. Cardinal Petrus hands the doctor a key, with which he opens the box. He takes out a woodcut and hands it over to Judas.

The picture is of a knife-nosed mediaeval warrior prince, with black hair and a curious expression on his face.

Dr JimboIX: That's Steiner, Kurtz Steiner, called 'the WindowMaker', but the "WidowMaker", too. A good Christian, defender of the faith, but somehow a son of a bitch. Under his "advice" the count of Barcelona has conquered the Catalanic Peninsula, throwing away the enemies of the true faith and killing a million of them.

Judas is impressed.

But Diego didn't wanted to give up, so his army kept being beaten till...


the following month. Tired of war, king Alfons of Aragon manages to reach an agreement with Diego of Castille. It was a bitter-sweet agreement for all of them, but, as the treasury wasn't in shape for a longer war, the first Castillian war came to an end...

Thus it was time to following with the "depuration" of the kingdom... Meanwhile, the war in the Sahara raged on, too...