Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

Olaus Petrus said:

Kid seems to be quick in his judgement, well it's nothing Steiner can't handle I think. What is king of England doing is Hispania?

Click to expand...

Gooooooooooooooooooood question... Going on crusade, methinks... Cause the match Chelsea-Barcelona has been postponed... war and holy things, you know...

JimboIX said:

What a remarkably annoying child..he'd better hurry up and grow before someone does too much warmongering in his name.

Click to expand...

I fully agree... I cannot leave him alone. But you know the good thing? I have no need to care for finding no lady at court pregnant by him!!!! :rofl:

Dunno why, but I feel that I'm going to swallow those words in a near future...

DarkReborn said:

Well you know Kurt, the crusades make strange bedpals :rofl:

Click to expand...

I'm not going to bed with you, so no need to propose it, you ugly Aragonese... :rofl:

Judas Maccabeus said:

Yep. I'm visiting my worst nightmare--having to deal with a 5-year-old child--on you.

Nine more years until he's a full-grown man... then he'll keep annoying you, but at least he'll be able to do it while keeping the land he conquers.

Click to expand...

I need someone to clean his deapers, Judas... Have I heard you shouting: "Me! Me! Me!"

Nine years... how long is going to take... Oh heavens... :wacko:

Llywelyn said:

I don't know what people are complaining about. The young master seems to have his priorities imminently in order, considering he's Catalan and yet hasn't discovered any use for women besides breastfeeding.
j.

Click to expand...

Just imagine what he'll do when discovers money AND women...

It was a long childhood... at least, ot seemed so to Steiner. Alfons, king since he was in the playground, had to wait 16 years till the was old enough to rule by himself. Sixteen long years... Endless years... If we forget the warrior actions that took place until 1083, Alfon's childhood was a pleaseant and calm time for Catalunya. The peace years boosted the economy, and saw a magnificient rate of building and growing and a river of new settlers were sent to the conquered lands.

Then the Pope said:

-Excuse me? I think I told something about crusading... isn't it right, Stenier?

-Luther... Luther... Even Lex Luthor would suit me fine...

Thus... Alexandria was asking for being freed, according to the Pope. Let it be, then. To go there, Steiner thought, there was a bitch of water to cross. We need some bases on the way. So, with Judas' ghost packed in the luggage, Steiner and the Catalans hosts crossed the sea and landed in the Ballearic Islands. And, as they were there, they conquered them, of course.


...plus the lands that the Emir of Majorca had on the Peninsula. As it was usual in those time, the conqued fiefdoms went to the hands of the nobilty. The count of Empúries, I should add, was the one who took the biggest part, something that boosted his pride... and Steiner's hatred.


At least Alfons was happy as his dear marshal, Acfred Ross, got the title of s count of Majorca.


And as the boy king couldn't keep the conquered lands for himself, the noblemen were quite cheerful about it, and couldn't stop saying it loud and clear (I'm black and proud... er... I'm noble and proud!). At least the presitge of the king rose and rose...

...and Steiner's rage, too...

...meanwhile, a voice was heard from Rome...

-Excuse me? I don't see any Catalan crusaders near from Alexandria?

Steiner, on his part, was wondering if he could do something a là Beckett, but on bigger scale...


And time went by so slowly... new technologies appeared -but for the ones who Steiner wanted, of course!!!!, the new buildings grew at a good rate while the Templar houses began to appear in the South and the Mediterranean coast.

To congratulate himself for the success, the boy king had a big idea: to promote to noble rank the parents of two of his friends of the playground. Steiner didn't protested. So what, he thought, once the king is older enough, I'll solve the issue... Where did I put the axe? Oh yes, here...

I must add that during this time a silly accident took place, when a Zulu from Estonia -we all now that Zulus como from Estonia, don't we?- called Estonianzulu -just to be sure that everybody know his originis- got himself impaled while playing cards with a charming fellow called Jason Bateman. Shit happens, you know...

But the law system of Catalonia worked fast and wonderfully fine, so a fellow called RGB was judged for the crime, found guilty and... set free. It was just a pity that noboy remembered to send the order to put him out of the jail and worse still that somebody finally remembered to send it, but, due to some kind of stupid mistake, send the order to behead him -which is a way to set someone free, at least from the misfortunes of life, as Hamlet would say.

Well... shit happens, you know...


And finally...

the day came!!!!


On June 5, 1090 Alfons came out of age and began to rule by himself. He had not eaten his brithday cake when he found himself married to Toda Jiménez, from the court of the count Urgell. Thus, Alfons, king Aragón and Navarra, duke of Catalunya, of the Marca Hispánica and Valencia, y count of Barcelona, Tarragona, Lleida, Menorca, Castellón, Valencia and Toledo,


married the Castillian lady -oh shit... to hurry is not good, Steiner sighed-. Some days later, she got pregnant. Not bad...


It was during the wedding party when bad news came. After sixteen years of crusading... better said, after sixteen years of saying "we are on crusade" but "we do nothing"...

After...

Sixteen years of crusading...
Sixteen years of waiting for my king to grow older enough...
Sixteen years of nothing happening...
Sixteen years of no battles...

In short, sixteen years of nothing new on Alexandria.


...and someone conquers it... And who could it be? Just do your bets, my dear readers... who...


A Castillian nobleman???? Castille got a hold on Africa and fulfilled the Crusade???? There are no words to expresss neither the rage that Steiner's eyes reflected while looking at the new queen... nor the murdering mood that crossed the mind of the king while gazing at her wife...

That very same night, once the king had fulfilled his duties as a loving husband, Alfons had some words with Steiner:

-We think that there are too many Castillian noblemen in our kingdons, don't you think, mon sehner Steiner?

-Absolutely, my king, I fully agree

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Alfons and Steiner looked at the dog, who smiled happily.

-...Peti too, I see -Steiner added

-I see... er..–Alfons commented, while looking at his finger-. You know what are we going to do, Steiner?

-First we take Manhattan, your Majesty?

-What?

-Sorry, I got... what were you saying, your Majesty?

-First we end reconquering the Peninsula... and then... do you know how is the weather in Burgos, Steiner?

-Mmmh... I don't really know, my king... Cold, I guess... Who knows... perhaps the Castillian king may get a cold...

Olaus Petrus said:

Good to see that noble Castillans did what wretched Catalans couldn't do.

Click to expand...

No problem. They have wasted their blood in some lands that, sooner or later, will be mind, once the crown of León and Castille ends in my hands. It will be, as it is my will, and I'm unstoppable... and humble, of course.

JimboIX said:

Beware the rage of Steiner, all Castillians.

Click to expand...

Mark you all JimboIX words. The Castillians will learn to speak Catalan, to dance Sardanas and to be fan of the Barça

Judas Maccabeus said:

First class all the way!

Bloody Castillans. Finish off the reconquest, and then finish off the other Iberian kingdoms, I think that's a good plan.

Click to expand...

I fully agree. Thy will be done... because it's my will, too... :rofl:

Gosh...

That's a good problem... :rofl:

RGB said:

I hear Popes make excellent martyrs. And you can always blame overzealous underlings.

Click to expand...

I only say this... my mentor and one of my inspirations in the arts of the AAR, Obelixeke, sacked Rome in his Hohenstaufen's AAR...

Capítulo LV: Il Sacco di Roma (Parte I) / (Parte II)

Click to expand...

In Spanish, of course.

In French... God forbids... :rofl:

As usual, if anyone needs some kind of translation, let me know, please, don't hesitate to ask me. It will be a pleasure.

RGB said:

Mamma, i Lanzenecchi!!!

snicker snicker...

Click to expand...

Ouch... I'll comment that...

Judas Maccabeus said:

You'll excuse me if the smallest things amuse me, but:

Click to expand...

I hadn't noticed that! I'm gonna laugh a lot!!!! Time to make some jokes!!!!

You know... the wine from Burgundy has some unexpected consequences upon the human mind...

As soon as Alfons had eaten his 16th birthday cake, he rushed to conquer the last bits of the Muslim kingdoms. The same very day that his heir Berenguer is born (March 1st, 1091) Granada is stormed and taken. This time the king was in the rear -God be praised-, not in the van.

After this heroic day, he had some words with Steiner

-Steiner... I'm not changing my mind... I don't want any castillians ruling in my lands!

-Your Majesty, calm down, put thyself together, don't hurry, don't...

-Kill them all, kill them all...

"Oh shit -Steiner thinks-. Damned colonel Kurtz... I've run out of napalm right now... damn")

-Ups, Kurty, it seems that the boy has become a charming serial killer with psycopathic tendencies...

-Ok, Peti, you're a bit pesimistic...

-Kurty, the king has taken an axe instead of the crown...

-Perhaps he's hungry...

-Well, he's talking about killing Mr. RGB because something related with martyrs...

-Gosh, what a day... And my dear Palo Chan is not here, to calm them down...

-I see dead castillian people alive... -Alfons utter, while looking at Olaus Petrus, who is reading the life of St Thomas Beckett.

-Wait, wait, sire. Olaus Petrus is not from Castille.

-Are ye sure, Steiner?

-Absolutely. He's a Cardinal.

-A good reason to kill him, then.

-Wait, wait, wait!!!! He's in on our side!

-Is he?

-Ask him.

-He may lie.

-Then I'll ask him if he's lying.

-And if he's lying again?

-If he lies about a lie... do you want me to go on and on with this, sire?

-Stop it. Let's make it short. Is he Catalan?

-Nope.

-Then I'll kill him...

-You can't, your Majesty.

-Why?

-Peti has stolen you the axe while I was fooling you.

-Damned dog! Someday I'll kill ye, Steiner.

-You can't, your Majesty.

-Why?

-You don't have an axe.

-Thou art quite hateful, thou knowest...

-Thanks very much indeed, m'lord...


Conquered Granada. Alfons returns to Barcelona, while his army keeps on conquering. Back home, the king manages to make love to his wife, just to pass the time. Nine months later, a charming daughter, Mafalda, is born.

-A daughter!!! That Castillian traitor bitch!!!!! -the king has run out of temper, as Peti sees clearly. So, as the dog is the cleverest of the three, runs under the bed- I'm going to take my sword and slay that... !!!!

-Stop it, you fool, er... your grace!!!!! -Steiner shouts, awfully worried- Give me the sword, please. I need it to open the diplomatic letters!!!!


Unexpectedly, the German emperor asks us for an alliance. Steiner is perplexed, as he didn't expect some kind of German Inquis... er... as he didn't think that the Catalan prestige was so high...

-Perhaps they want to send us some beer-.. –utter Llywelyn, a Welsh warrior well know for his expedition to take Jerusalem. What a pity he read the map wrong and ended sacking Oslo...

-Now, now, now... my lord Llywelyn... may I offer a beer? - Steiner asks with a big smile.

-Yes... Why are you asking me that, my lord Kurtz? -Llywelyn answers.

-Otu of curiosity, you know.

Two days later Llywelyn was found dead. He had drowned in a butt of malmsey wine. It was said that it was a German trick to get rid of unwanted questions but...

-You must admit: alcohol is dangerous. -Steiner says while smiling

-Er... Kurty... why killing him?

-Very simple, Peti, very simple... How long since the chapter started, my loyal pet?

-A bit... a long bit...

-Soi it was time to kill somebody, don'st thee think? Just to change the rhythm, thou knowest.


Meanwhile the army kept conquering and killing moors by thousands, without even stop to take breath. And when everything seemed bright and wonderful... the heir dies.

Of course, the one to blame was Llywelyn... Bad things happend even with him dead.


Once Seville is conquered, the army takes a rest. It is not till May 16, 1094 that Algerias is taken, after a long and bloody siege. The city had been smashed by the constant use of the siege machines. Obliterated, the city was nothing but a pack of broken bricks. But it was free.

As one of the heroes of the day, the marshal of the Veld, Veldmaarschalk, commented.

"The rotten corpses cover till the horizon, and the air was filled with sickening smells... but it smelled to victory..."

Meanwhile, m'lord CrackdToothGrin had managed to conquer Lucena, while burning and razing it to the ground. Had it not been conquered two months ago by the Christians forces, it would have been a glorious success. Shit happens, you know.



But the war was over, and the peninsula ended like that. For God and of Catalonia, the Reconquista was fulfilled!!!!



Won this wonderful achievemente, a sad new came to the royal court. An odd catalan called Font de Llop, whose father was a wolf and his mother a dwell -Paris Hilton was busy that day-, was found dead with a chicken crossing his head. The chicken, by the way, wasn't arrested, as he run away before Sheriff Truman and the agent Cooper could arrest him. Actually, it wasn't their fault, as they had run out of pies and were busy asking for more. A sad affaire, indeed..

Then, a new prince is born


Just to avoid that the newborn got dead as his bro, some criminals were arrested. DarkReborn, GothmogDeMorgul, the Olsen sisters, Stynlan... well, the usual people. Well, ok, Stynlan wasn't arrested because he was a criminal, but because he was a demi mod, and Demi Moore was jealous of him. That's the danger of being too cute, my friend. GothmogDeMorgul, on his part, wasn't arrested because he was a criminal -indeed he is-, but because his name was quite hard to spell while being drunk. So, he got it.

Then the king began to give the conquered lands to his loyal people. The trusted count of Majorca and the charming Malfada got their share... but daddy got angry, as his daughter began to turn her county in some kind of "little Castille" and daddy revoked the title as fast as a lighthing. Steiner, just in case, put the axe in an unknown place.


-Damned Castillians!!!!!!!!

(Oh bugger... –Steiner looks the clouds in the blue sky while prying for some rest-. We'll end conquering Castille before time at this pace)

-Please, your Majesty, calm down!

-I'm going to kill that bitch!!!

-Wait wait wait, man!!!! You're king Alfons, not a ripper called Jack!!!!

But... Alfons wasn't Jack... but Steiner wasn't Mary Poppins either... things happen, you know...


So, the kingdom was free of Muslims... but the king wasn't free of Castillians... and was single, again...

Oh, gosh... this is going to be harder than I thought....

And I had already killed Judas... damn... I cannot kill him again... Can't I?