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Thread: Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

  1. #41
    General JimboIX's Avatar

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    WHat a singularly motivated individual..he's unstoppable. And Catalan. How unlikely.

  2. #42
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    Judas...MacCabeus...I think I recognize the name...
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  3. #43
    Alien Space Bat Judas Maccabeus's Avatar
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    I knew as soon as you introduced me in place of Tommassi that things weren't going to end well... ah, well, at least I got to have a bit of fun with my death...

    Cabrooooooon!

    EDIT: Wait, if I'm dead, how am I supposed to read the AAR?
    SHEEP ARE THE FUTURE

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  4. #44
    Field Marshal Llywelyn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judas Maccabeus
    EDIT: Wait, if I'm dead, how am I supposed to read the AAR?

    OMFGIH!
    Judy is Turcotore!
    All Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!
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    have inspired or saved a single soul, had not the loyalty, zeal, and diligence of writers
    triumphing over sloth transmitted them to posterity
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  5. #45
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by JimboIX
    WHat a singularly motivated individual..he's unstoppable. And Catalan. How unlikely.
    Just wait and see...

    Quote Originally Posted by RGB
    Judas...MacCabeus...I think I recognize the name...
    I was, I swear it, prone to make him appear dressed in kilt and with the Torah in one had and a dish with haggish on the other, but a Jew half-Aragonese and half-Scottish was too much, even for me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Judas Maccabeus
    I knew as soon as you introduced me in place of Tommassi that things weren't going to end well... ah, well, at least I got to have a bit of fun with my death...

    Cabrooooooon!

    EDIT: Wait, if I'm dead, how am I supposed to read the AAR?
    As a ghost, of course... I was tempted to let you life, but I still needed your wife, you know..
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  6. #46

  7. #47
    Alien Space Bat Judas Maccabeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Llywelyn

    OMFGIH!
    Judy is Turcotore!
    Well, I was the one who set him up into his unusual position...
    SHEEP ARE THE FUTURE

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  8. #48
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    Poor McCabeus. I wonder why he ever trusted to Steiner. I thought that he would be wiser than that.
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by linque
    Good AAR(even though i have never played CK)
    Time to play CK, then...

    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    Poor McCabeus. I wonder why he ever trusted to Steiner. I thought that he would be wiser than that.
    I never told the trusted me... Mmmh... errr... Petrus... dunno why, but I have found a role for you...
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  10. #50
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt_Steiner
    I never told the trusted me... Mmmh... errr... Petrus... dunno why, but I have found a role for you...
    That doesn't sound good at all.
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

  11. #51
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    Chapter 4: Unexpected affairs

    o

    Thus here the story changes... a bit -1-





    Unexpectedly, the count/king made an unexpected move. He proposed an alliance to an unexpected allied -and it was not the Spanish Inquisition, but the Sheikdom of Toledo. And he got it.

    The Pope was so amazed that he forgot to excommunicate Ramón Berenguer...

    The Christian kings were so surprised that they forgot even to break their ties with Barcelona...

    The Muslim powers -but for Toledo- were so bewildered that they went to war all of them against Toledo.

    Steiner was so wild for his unexpected surprise that he forgot to take some screenies...

    Linda Evangelista was so impressed that she forgot to give me her cell number...



    So, Berenguer Ramón decided it was wise to conquer a bit, while the enemy was not looking... and, when it was suitable, he replaced the Moorish ally by the King of León, who didn't seemed to be quite offended by the Unholy Alliance of the Catalan king. Perhaps the growing power of Barcelona couldn't be despised so easily...

    Then, everything went mad. The sheikdoms of Seville and the Balearic islands conquered all the Iberian Peninsula which Ramón had not conquered by then. Worse of all, Toledo is destroyed by the two ruling powers to the rooth.

    Could it be worse?




    Yes, indeed!!!! That's me!!!!

    Meanwhile...

    Steiner, that is, me, was working in his plans to conquer the whole Peninsula, when something happened....

    -....aaarrrdddddd...

    Steiner raised his head and thought -“Holy Sh... the writer has lost his head again... What silly thing is going to happen now?”. But the voice kept on saying...

    -....aaarrrdddddd...

    Steiner couldn't avoid feeling some strange feeling of uneasiness as he thought "I've heard this before..." He was near the door of his room when the same voice, comming from the window, shouted:

    -¡¡¡Kurty, you bastard! That's me, here, at the window, and it's too cold to remain here too long!!!

    Steiner, speechless, couldn't believe what he was seeing. But the ghost didn't give a damn:

    -¡¡¡You bugger, listen to my voice, which comes from the realm of those who are not but who are without being with or without you oh yeahl!!!

    Oh yes! It was Judas Maccabeus!!!! Or it was Bono? Er... let's see...

    It was Judas Maccabeus!!!!! He had returned from the Walhalla of the Scottish... Jew... whatever... of the Walhalla of the Fallen -never better said- heroes! Judas looked in a quite earie way with his ghostly clothes and furious look. But Steiner was too Steiner to be scared of a ghost, and, while Petiso Tiso searching for some clean underwear and Peti Niebla looked the scene from behind the bed, our anti-hore managed to say:


    Juddas in his clothes, designed by the very Posh herself. Beckham claims he had nothing to do with it, and I believe him


    Ramón sends part of his army to conquer Toledo before the Moors take it while he follows with the siege of Valencia -too much paella, you know-. Then the rage and the foolishness -the well know Catalan rauxa- appeared, and the king decided to take the city himself, and stormed it.

    Steiner, while looking at the armoured king in the first ranks of his army, couldn't avoid thinking:

    "My gosh... won't be he so fool to get himself killed? Of course he won't. Kings doesn't die like that... do they?"

    And Ramón manages to take Valencia and to win a battle a El Cid way... that is, being dead, as he is killed in the storming of Valencia.

    And the Pope -blessed by his soul...- that announces that is time to go on crusade, you see!

    And I found myself with Alfons, 1 year old, as king!



    Hey, and as a Papal controller!!!!



    And the Pope is called Bogomilo?!?!?!



    Mmmh... that sounds brings me heretical memories of past times...

    "Ok, don't worry...", Steiner thought...

    Meanwhile, Steiner kept chatting with the unexpected visitor...

    -Oh Gosh... that's going to end badly... so, let's use the balls... er... the brain... er... both... -and, while gasping a bit, he began talking like that:

    Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd, Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell, Be thy intents wicked or charitable, Thou comest in such a questionable shape...

    -Cut it short, boy –Maccabeus answered back-, or Kenneth Brannagh will be here in five seconds to direct the scene and to write the...

    -Real Men don't Stop Another Mean while Iddle-Chatting - Anonymous4401 said, a few seconds before Maccabeus kicked his ars.

    -!O, answer me! Let me not burst in ignorance -Steiner went on-; but tell why thy Maccabeusized bones, hearsed in death, Have burst their cerements; why the sepulchre...


    ¡Ah, poor Maccabeus! Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Fellat... Hora... er... Peti...


    -You're very kind reminding me that I died full of sins and with no time to repent... thank you very much, you kind son of bi...

    -Oh, ghost, tell thee to me from thy to me, thou, who comesth from...

    -...from the Kitty Club... come on, men, cut it short!!!!

    -...from the black hell when only wandering souls and witches go out to...

    -.. and those ladies who work under a red light –the ghost replied-. This boy is going to be a myth...

    -Er... -a little voice said...- someone called me?

    -Oh shit -the ghost shouted- You! Myth! Kept on conquering China and drinking sake, for God's sake!!!!

    After some minutes to bring back some kind of appearance of order...

    -... thou, then, tell me... what odd event art thou to announce me? Oh, thou, mighty gosh, tell me, to which soul you belong...

    - ... now it's when I cannot help thinking about all the dammage that Bill Shakespeare did to humanity...

    -...so, here myself, I ask thee and command thee and exort thee to tell me from which corner of that unknown ring of hell thou comest out in that early hours of the still-born day!!!!

    -I'm thy father, Luke!!! Er... Steiner... er... oh shit...

    In that very moment, a dark figure appeared and the room and shouted...

    -Daddy!


    The dark figure, you know


    -1- Here is where the twist in the story comes, just in case, but, this time, with a change within the change...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 01-05-2007 at 13:06.
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  12. #52
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    Chapter 4: Unexpected affairs Part 2

    o

    With a revenge



    Then news came from León. Apparently, the king of Castille had conquered León and was the new ruler there -and no one told me?!? How unfair! I hate unpoliteness. Someone is going to catch hell for this...- But, as it was foretold by the Saint Bobby Mc Ferrin and his twin broter Bruce Lee, the niece of general Robert E. Lee, father of Annabel Lee, er... well, as the saint and his bro said: don't worry, be water, or something like that.

    And the Castillian king of León and Castille dies. And there you have a boy, a jimenez, by the way, ruling the kingdoms. So, the Iberian Peninsula becometh the kindergarden of two boy kings.

    Charming, isn't?



    Spain towards the end of the wars



    Well, it's not charming at all, damn it! You see that the kingdom goes from the Pyrinees towards Cadiz, isn't it? Well, from all this big land, few demesnes belong to the king, as his nobles had used the minority of the king to take the lands for themselves!

    Meanwhile... Steiner, the ghost, Hamlet, or Mr Brannagh, well... that's difficult to explain... well, you know...

    Maccabeus looked at Steiner and, while feeling an odd feeling in his gutts -which, after all, weren't there, as he was dead-, he began again...

    -Ok, look, you bugger, that's me, old Judas, remember? Good... I'm here to take revenge for my murder... I cannot win back my lands, my wife and his two... thou knowst what... but I'm going to destroy you!!!! Wahahahahahaha!!!!!

    -Yes, I remember the two... er... getting lost... what two... wao... er... you need to improve thy Wahahahaha!!!! doesn't sound wicked enough...

    -I'll practise a bit more... like that, perhaps: whahahahahahaha!?!?!?!?!

    -Better... the previous whahahahaha sounded to me a bit... well... female, you know...

    -Art thou calling me anything?

    -No, of course not...

    -Oh, good, go on then...

    -Thank you, sir... er... you're too obsessed with the past... and some people say that we, catalans, are always complaining and crying about the past... Or those saying go about the the Scots? Dunno... Anyway... a little help to jump, and here you have my reward... So, watcha gonna do, man? Attack me with thy horns? Let's see... the one who went to bed with thy wife was the king, not me... although I wouldn't have minded, you know...

    After some minutes of iddle chatting, a voice was heard...

    -Morninggggggggggggg... may I? I'm the Itinerant Exorcist and Reserve Pope, Llywellyn, in short. I come from the Vatican to do some exorcism, if you don't mind... Here you have Cardinal Olaus Petrus, a rocky boy. Don't be afraid of his killing looks. He just kills when told. Well, and when not told, too.

    The ghost, of course, minded, and he minded a lot, but that's another tale...



    he Itinerant Exorcist and Reserve Pope, Llywellyn. Cardinal Petrus didn't appear in the photo, as he was busy killing some heretics at Harrod's and too covered with blood, for Posh's dismay. Actually, he looked more like a wild sausage than as a Cardinal, but don't despair... yet
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 01-05-2007 at 13:03.
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  13. #53
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    "I am John Hale. Minister of Beverly. And Susan. And Juanita. I've come to help you, dear.
    Begone ye demons!" [sprinkles holy water on Jude & then hits him in the head with an Acme mallet]



    Always glad to be of service to the papal controller.



    Now, do you want some cocoa and marshmallows, little boy? Just let me know where you keep your matches and your Jews.
    j.

    ooc: It's always fun how I can't tell if your English isn't the best, if you're insane, or some combination...
    Last edited by Llywelyn; 01-05-2007 at 13:18.
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  14. #54
    Field Marshal Llywelyn's Avatar
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    Also, for those curious about the further adventures of the heretic pope Bogumil...

    j.
    All Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!
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  15. #55
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    This cardinal Petrus seems to be a nice fellow.
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

  16. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by Llywelyn
    "I am John Hale. Minister of Beverly. And Susan. And Juanita. I've come to help you, dear.
    Begone ye demons!" [sprinkles holy water on Jude & then hits him in the head with an Acme mallet]
    Good sentence... I'll remember it...

    By the way, poor Jude is already dead, there is no need to hit him... just do it, anyway... just in case, you know...

    Quote Originally Posted by Llywelyn


    Always glad to be of service to the papal controller.

    Glad to have such a faithful servant...

    Quote Originally Posted by Llywelyn
    It's always fun how I can't tell if your English isn't the best, if you're insane, or some combination...
    My English is... well... If some of my teachers could speak...

    Insane... I am, indeed...

    So, it's a combination, I guess...

    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    This cardinal Petrus seems to be a nice fellow.
    Absolutely. I hope it's not the last time we heard -or read- about it.
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  17. #57
    General JimboIX's Avatar

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    You mesh so many allusions, it's intriguing.

  18. #58
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    .



    It was a sunny and quiet Sunday afternoon.

    - ...This is awfully boooooooooooooring -Peti said.
    - Well said -Judas Maccabeus added, with her eyes fixed in Steiner's neck.
    - Thou art dead, Judas, thou can't be bored -Steiner retorted back.
    - Guess who did it... -Peti added.
    - Well, as "meizer" the Dead doesn't want to play his dead role, I'm going to give him some company... Peti, why are ye running away? Return, ye fool!!!! I'm not talking about dogs this time!!!!


    Barcelona, early January, 1180.

    The little kingdom was awakened by sad news:


    Oh yeah! Errrr... what a silly accident, I meant


    The king looked at Steiner. He wasn't pleased. At all. Anyway, he kept playing with his toy soldiers and his teddy bear...

    -Who has killed my cousin? -he said with a threat in his voice.

    Steiner smiled and answered back:

    -Someone carrying a knife, your Majesty... well, now you...


    My charming boy, so young, so quick in his judgements...


    -Now I have to hear his heir to swore me the loalty oath, you fool!!!! -Alfons shouted, pointing at Steiner with his feeding bottle- And this ceremony is awfully boring! And it's sunday!

    -Ey, ey, ey, wait, wait, your majesty... Heir? What the f... - Steiner couldn't believe his ears and rose from the chair, just to stood motionless and almost speechless- what the h... what are you talking about? An heir?

    -Yes, that pretty silly man who is waiting outside!!!!

    -This cannot be... -Steiner couldn't believe his ears- Jaume had not heir but you! For that reason I... well, you know what...

    -This time the game has played with you, I'm afraid...

    -Oh shit...

    "Such a big amount of BB for nothing" -Peti thought.


    Steiner, petrified by his failure.


    Thus, as it was, this murder wasn't well received by the whole world, so Steiner and his boy king prepared for war. There were plenty of royal and noble cousins who may try to take advantage from the situation.

    -My King! My King! We are at war!!!! -a messenger was shouting in the courtyard.

    -What a surprise... -Steiner replied.

    Well, it was a surprise, indeed. In this situation one would have thought that one of Alfons' counts may rebell, or one of his Christians neighbours...

    But the Sheik of Majorca?

    What the heck was he doing? Perhaps was Jaume of Empuries having some kind of uncommon relation with the Moor... Interesting...

    So well... Alfons, while playing with his toys in the kindergarten, gathered his host, and, with his schoolmates, made a trip to Peninsular lands of the Sheik of Majorca, and conquered them, leaving the islands for the time being, as it was too expensive for the royal treasury.

    -Steinerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!What the heck!!!! -Alfons shouted- All the conquered land went to my lords, not a single bit for me!!!! Steinerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

    "My Gosh... he's just a kid and drives me crazy... that must be some kind of punishment for killing Judas, I bet...


    The southern lands, after my brief war.


    -My King! My king! We must go on crusade, says the Pope! -the same messenger shouted again from the courtyard - AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! -he shouted, when an arrow pierced his head.

    Steiner, leaving the longbow aside, just sat down and began to consider the situation

    "Wonderful -Steiner thought, while fighting not to cry-. A crusade... right now... could the Pope have waited a bit? Er... how long it will be till Henry VIII makes his move???"

    So it was. The Pope asked to free Alexandria...

    "Ey, ey, Poppie... that's me who pays the bill of the trip!!!! Luther, when art thou when one needs thee?!?!? Errr... what are those English doing here!!!! Hooligans, perhaps! Damned sangria, I knew that some day it will give me troubles"


    Oh Lord... who needs them...


    Summing up... this is the AD 1083. My boy, er, my king is 7 years old and I'm going to wait till he grows a bit. Otherwise, if I conquer anything it would be the nobility who takes the prize, so... Anyway, why I'm planning anything, if my plans never get anywhere...

    So, stay tunned... The next dead may be you
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 07-05-2007 at 13:58.
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  19. #59
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    Kid seems to be quick in his judgement, well it's nothing Steiner can't handle I think. What is king of England doing is Hispania?
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  20. #60
    General JimboIX's Avatar

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    What a remarkably annoying child..he'd better hurry up and grow before someone does too much warmongering in his name.

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