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Thread: Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

  1. #561
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    This is not an update. Nor an exit (Bateman pun intended).

    After a long lapse of silly situations, too many things and AARs to do, quarrels with RL (which is a bitch, but, hey, it's my bitch!) and some other unimportant things, I can say that, ASAP, this AAR is going to be back (mwahaha! and all that), after I got inspired yesterday by Lord Valentine's excellent update of today (no, there is no mistake in the dates).

    Thus, where his king has epic battles with daring enemies, mine will have epic quarrels with his naughty (and lustful) wife. Where he has glory and fame, I'll have nappies and po-poohs.

    And, of course, the ongoing quest of Comma of Gossie plus the untold tale of "Sir Peti Fog and the Holy Pizza".
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
    Palo Dixit: posible Anticristo, vacalentacialanonanista, Culé y Salido que provoca manifas por donde pasa.
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  2. #562
    Roman LibrAARian comagoosie's Avatar
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    There is no quest which I cannot complete! Onwards Kurt and Peti to glory
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  3. #563
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Nappies and po-poohs FTW!
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  4. #564
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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    I have sinned since I forgot the existence of this luscious AAR.
    I shall receive no Holy Pizza.

  5. #565
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by comagoosie View Post
    There is no quest which I cannot complete! Onwards Kurt and Peti to glory
    Ask thyself... Is there a quest that cannot complete thee?

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus View Post
    Nappies and po-poohs FTW!
    I decided to conquer the world by overpopulating the earth!

    Mwhahahaha!

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    I have sinned since I forgot the existence of this luscious AAR.
    I shall receive no Holy Pizza.
    Thou art right. No Pizza for thee. Unholy or Holy.

    Well, it's not thy fault. I'd wandered too much.
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  6. #566
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Chapter 28, 2nd Season
    Sex Drive


    Ramon was busy making a son to her beloved wife, Douce of Savoy, duchess of Zaragoza and countess of etc...

    Thus a problem arose.

    Kurt: I'm bored.
    Ramon: I'm making love.
    Kurt: There are things I don't need to know.
    Ramon (naked, as now Kurt can see): Don't care. I'm the king.

    And goes away.

    Then came the problem.

    Kurt: I'm still bored.
    Ramon: I'm still having sex.
    Peti: I'm a dog.
    Ramon Berenger, earl of Urgell (cousin of the king): I'm independent.
    Kurt: What
    Peti: The
    Ramon: Fuck! (no pun intended)
    Kurt: Bugger!
    Ramon and Ramon Berenger: Who?
    Peti: Good question.
    Kurt: You!
    Peti: Me?
    Kurt: Not you! Him!
    Ramon: Me!
    Ramon Berenguer: I think he's pointing at me!

    And he was right. Kurt was pointing at him. With a dagger, by the way.



    Then the results of Ramon's sexfrenzy came:



    Ramon: Shit.
    Kurt: Well.
    Ramon: I need a boy.
    Peti: Are you bisexual?
    Kurt: He means he needs another boy to have a replacement for his heir.
    Ramon: Time for sex!
    Douce: What the fuck?
    Kurt: She got it!
    Peti: Indeed.

    Then they went. Then Ramon Berenguer died. His son and heir didn't take nicely, so Kurt had to kill him too. To be sure that the following in the line got the message, Kurt also killed his mother. And his grandmother. And his pet (to Peti's anger). Then the boy got the message, but the rest of the nobility was, for unknown reasons, quite angered (perhaps killing the pet was a mistake. Perhaps he killed the worng pet and leaving Peti alive was a mistake. A mistery, indeed).

    Just to take care, in case someone may bother about it, Ramon stopped making boys to make his son Ferran count of La Mancha and Girvais d'Urgell, already count of Foucalquier, count of Provence, too (there would be plenty of time to kill him and to got the lands back, Kut said).



    Ramon, the king of sex: Why is everybody talking dirty about me?
    Kurt: Perhaps because some people got killed.
    Ramon: The king of murder: I didn't do it.
    Kurt: I did it for you.
    Ramon: Well, that changes everything. I was worried about everybody talking about me because I'm alwasy having sex.
    Kurt: That helps, too.
    Ramon: Really? Oh, time to make boys again. See ya.
    Kurt: I need a dagger...
    Peti: I need a pizza.
    Canonized: I need a shower.
    Kurt and Peti: What the heck?
    The Pope had sent an special bishop to take charge of Comma's son. It was a Cardinal -I said it was a quite special bishop- Olaus Petrus, who had been recently promoted.

    Locked on his cell, Comma's son, called Commie, wasn't in the mood for no one paying a visit to him, so he told that to Cardinal Petrus, who, filled with kindenss and tender spirit, kicked Commie's balls with his boot a few times. Thrice, to be exact.

    -If it doesn't hurt, it doesn't count. Remember that.

    Had Commie been able to say something he would have earned himself a few kicks in the balls. Luckily, he wasn't able to say nothing but the sacred word.

    -Gñé.

    -This -began Petrus- is a letter from the Pope. That letter makes you my prisoner. Understood?

    -Fug you -replied Commie. Then Petrus kicked his balls again as a reply. Again, with care and Christian mercy, of course.

    -Understood?

    -I guess so -Commie managed to whisper.

    -Good, now you're my prisoner. I'm going to take you to Rome. Prepare to take leave.

    -What if I don't want to go?

    -I'll kick your balls.

    -I knew it. When did you say we were departing?


    Meanwhile...

    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Thou!
    Peti: Me?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Yes! Is any other dog around that thou canst seest?
    Pet: Mmmmh... I guest no. What do you want?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Thou'vest been selectedest...
    Peti: To test the HOI3?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): ...to findest the Holy Pizzast!
    Peti: My Goshness...
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Thou shall depart to the West...
    Peti: Are you nuts? To the East there is only water!
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): What? Erm... Lemme check... Oh yes. Got the map in the wrong direction, sorry.
    Peti: I see.
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Thou shall depart to the East, where the land where the moon meets the sun...
    Peti: I love clear instructions, really helpful, you know
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): ... to find the Holy Pizza!
    Peti: I think you've already told me that.
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): ...and when you findest the Pizza...
    Peti: What?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): No idea. I'll tell you then.
    Peti: Bugger. Kurty has gone nuts again.
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Indeed.
    Peti: By the way. Do you know what meant the reference of Kurty to Keira Knightley?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Indeed.
    Peti: So?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): They have something in common...
    Peti: Really? What a sob! What is it?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): The K.
    Peti: What?
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Kurt. Keira. Knightley.
    Peti: The worst joke. Ever.
    (BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE): Jurl, jurl, jurl!!!!
    Peti: What a ...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 08-07-2009 at 14:27.
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
    Palo Dixit: posible Anticristo, vacalentacialanonanista, Culé y Salido que provoca manifas por donde pasa.
    Palo Dixit redux: Escatológico bipolar

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  7. #567
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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    Kurt, have ever thought of visiting a psychiatrist?
    You have just not a divided(tripled, quartet, quintet?), personality, it just gets worse here because you try, quite successfully, here to make every character have part of you in the way they act, talk and behave(if that be worth calling behaviour).


    Furthermore, I must admit that I've been missing this masterpiece of garbled incoherent random jeremiad.

  8. #568
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Maybe an actual shower scene should be included in the future...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  9. #569
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Dear Readers,

    I'm still alive. Peti too.

    As soon as my inspiration of the Middle Ages is back, I'll keep on telling you the Odissey that I'm going through the CK. I've been plagued again with the old malady of a young king dying, but with a twist: he went nuts, very charmingly schizo, so he decided that it was time for fun. All in all, the Catalan version of "Four legs good, two legs bad".

    And Enewald is to blame, for mentioning a psychiatrist, of course.

    Soon, the Bloodening!
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  10. #570
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    Yes, there will be blood.

  11. #571
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    I like the subtle ways how Holy Roman Church can convince people voluntarily do as the Cardinals wish.
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

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